Nothing pairs with the trials and tribulations of life with small kids like alcohol. At the end of a long day of what feels like futile parenting efforts, pouring a hefty glass of pinot (or bourbon or beer or moonshine…we don’t judge) can help it all feel better. As you take that first sip and your toddler’s day of screaming directly at your face fades into the darkest recesses of your memory, a little drink can make all the difference so you’re ready to face the music again tomorrow.
Because it will all still be there tomorrow. Good god, keep pouring.
The funny parents of Twitter totally understand the power of alcohol in soothing the worst parts of parenting and are here to make you laugh with these hilarious tweets about how well parenting pairs with pinot. And craft beer. And vodka. Just read the tweets.
1.You’re gonna have to learn to chug.
My husband took my son outside & my daughter went to the bathroom & I have a second to drink my beer in peace oh nvm time’s up
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) June 11, 2016
When you’re parent, time is at a premium. Don’t waste it not drinking.
2. Tough love.
You have 4 kids so the only baby shower gift you’ll be getting from me is a box of Trojans and/or wine.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) September 28, 2015
If you’re going to keep reproducing, it’s on your friends and family to keep you well-stocked with wine. It’s more valuable than diapers after kid number three.
3. Shhh mommy has a headache.
Me: ugh I’ve got a headache
Me: I must be coming down w/ the flu
Me: So sick
8: *eyes empty wine bottle on counter
Me: DON’T JUDGE ME
— Sarah del Rio (@est1975blog) October 26, 2016
It’s the flu. That’s the story we’re going with or your iPad is mine.
You say I drink too much.
I say my kids are still alive.
— Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) September 16, 2016
Maybe don’t judge so much. We’re all very happy over here.
5. No thank you please.
Unless “how you lost all your baby weight in 3 months” involves drinking to excess, I’m not interested.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) September 21, 2016
Seriously. Until Shakeology has vodka mix-ins, we don’t want to hear it. Shoo.
6. How dare you.
There’s a tiny chance you’re not as cute as you think you are on the wine nights.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) October 17, 2016
That’s right, we’re probably even cuter.
7. *bottle smashes*
PLAY THE HITS, NO ONE IS HERE FOR YOUR NEW STUFF!!
-Me, drunk, yelling at the Chuck E. Cheese band.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 30, 2015
Well. That’s one way to get kicked out of a Chuck E. Cheese. Worth it.
8. Literally any liquor at all will do.
What breakfast liquor pairs best with Daniel Tiger and day 2 home with sick kids?
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) May 17, 2016
Even that bottle of Sour Apple Puckers your younger sister brought for Christmas Eve seven years ago that’s been sitting up on the shelf. Now’s not the time to be selective.
9. Check, please.
I wasn’t going to drink alcohol tonight, but then I remembered I’ve been home all day with 3 kids, so… Yeah, I’ve had 2 cranberry vodkas.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) January 28, 2016
Only two? It must be early.
Moms drink wine because they’re like liquid epidurals for when your child is dive-bombing you or climbing you like Mt. Everest.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 3, 2016
Just a little something to take the edge off when your preschooler kicks in your spleen.
11. That’s literally it.
Making new mom friends is actually pretty easy. Just compliment their kid’s outfit, and offer them some boxed wine.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 19, 2016
Did we just become best friends? I think we just became best friends.
12. Parenting Level: Actual Wizard
Parenting Level: convinced kids we are going on a magical night time pajama adventure bc I forgot to buy beer & ice cream earlier
— Spookypants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 20, 2015
What could be more magical than a nighttime grocery trip to get mommy’s favorite coping mechanisms? Saddle up, kids!
13. Blame it all on them.
I’m not saying kids turn you into alcoholics but I am saying I never drank this much prior to kids.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 24, 2016
So your recycling bin is as full as your diaper genie? Welcome to parenting.
14. A complex equation.
High school math comes in handy when you’re determining whether the benefits of your kid fetching your beer outweigh the cost of the spills.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 28, 2015
It’s always worth the spills. No math necessary.