Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
People are weird. So weird. A surefire way to discover just how very weird they are is to check out search results from Google Analytics. I present you with some bizarre searches which have led people to this site over the last few months. Fortunately, none of them stayed more than a few seconds. Unfortunately? These are the people we share the planet with…
“Where did I leave my car charger?” Is Google suddenly psychic?! (P.S. Check under the passenger seat. Just a hunch.)
“Is a bunk bed safe for my one year old?” Um, no. Wouldn’t say that’s a wise idea.
“girls, dogs and peanut butter” I really can’t imagine how these things go together. And, I don’t really want to.
“Dead Vagina Walking” Thanks, Erin!
“Is having 5 kids tougher on a woman’s body than 1?” Um, yes. Can’t speak from personal experience, but I would most definitely say yes.
“My finger is turning green and gushing goo, but I don’t feel like seeing a doc” I’d really like you to see that doctor. Badly.
“How do I win at hide and seek with a three year old?” That must be one smart three year old you’ve got there.
“What was that Strawberry salad that Jennifer brought to the baby shower?” Again, how the hell would Google know this?! (But, perhaps it was this?)
“fuck. I’m a parent what the hell do I do now” Good question.
“Who is really the tooth fairy?” If you’re searching on Google for this, I’m pretty sure you should know the answer.
“Would anyone know if I hid in Marshall’s and shopped at night?” I don’t know the answer to that, but it sounds like a blast. Can I come?
“I know I was Abraham Lincoln in a past life, but nobody believes me.” Imagine that!
“I love eating taffy, but feel my teeth starting to fall out” May I suggest another kind of sweet? I mean, I love taffy too, but…
“I’m 64 and think I’m pregnant” Um, congrats?
{ 117 comments… read them below or add one }
“fuck. i’m a parent what the hell do i do now” Good question.
That is a good question. I ask myself that every day and still don’t have an answer.
If I’m not mistaken the first word explains how they became a parent in the first place. It would have been a good idea to have known that ahead of time.
LOL. Good point.
This post was hilarious and it finished with me reading this comment trail. Now I am laughing so hard I’m crying!
I’m laughing my ass off and reading these aloud.. and the men in my family are not amused. They’re also not bloggers obsessed with keyword searches… losers.
Total losers. Ahem.
Wow… I really don’t know what to say to this… It’s… Just wow. People need… something.
Thanks for the laugh! I’m heading to look at my searches right now!!
I don’t think it should be too difficult to win at hide and seek with a three year old. You hide well, and then they give up and start playing with toys and you get quiet time. Simple as that.
Those are some funny searches! Unfortunately, most of the ones leading to my site are just gross… or related to Asterix. I love checking those things out.
Oh, I have my share of gross & scary. Those, I like to just ignore.
Aren’t people just crazy?? Makes you wonder how some people survived childhood. Probably the nutso overprotective moms who never lie to their kids or let them eat hot dogs or get dirty or watch tv. ;)
ROFLMAO…Seriously??? Someone actually Googled this stuff and came here? Wow. You’re right…people are truly weird. Great post!!
Thanks for the laugh!!! These were really great… but my favorite is Dead Vagina Walking!
People who are very grumpy and inaccessible, apparently: Doctors and Jennifer. I would discuss, but I’ve just learned that you can sleepover in Marshall’s.
How much fun would that be? Seriously?!
I love google analytics. Those people probably have NO idea we can get that kind of info. Powerful. And, yes, pretty scary. :)
Ha! Thanks for the laugh – I needed that tonight! I’m often shocked by the absurd things people search for online…
hysterical. I have done my own fair share of weird google searches both before and after kids so I reserve judgment… ahem. But, this is funny stuff.
Yeah! Another good one!
I used to laugh at the google search for pictures… When my children are not next to me. Than it’s not too funny…
Dead Vagina Walking will forever hold a special place in my heart after I heard Erin read it at LTYM BlogHer, at least that searchee got something awesome to read…
No kidding! I adore that one.
The real question is… how did those searches lead them HERE?!?!
The scary thing is that I know the answer to some of that. You should see the searches I get for the one I called, “Fuck you, kids.” Ugh.
I really, really wonder about the searches sometimes. Also, please write something about spam. What do the spammers really gain from it? I’m sure you have something entertaining to say about it. Thanks for the laugh :)
I know!! And the spammers have gotten funny lately, haven’t they? I’m sure I do have something I could say about them.
heehee… thanks for the giggle. I needed it. Bad night.
I came here by searching ” should I give my teenage daughter away or read Scary Mommy’s confessions ” ;)
I’d say you made a wise choice. Maybe?
LMAO
These are awesome. I always find it entertaining to see what brings people to my blog.
All that – like really! I would love to know how i ended up there- ahahahhaha- been somethime and i have forgotten.
I have been following u for a while- am in India and love all that you all keep writing- keeps me guilt free;)
However you did, I’m glad you’re here!
“Dead Vagina Walking” ROFLOL!
I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve had the some questions pop into my head, but I never thought to Google them for the answers…
I have just discovered this site. FABULOUS! Dead Vagina Walking – I love that so much I am going to try and include it in casual conversation on a regular basis!
OMG “I 64 and I think I am pregnant” almost made me spit my coffee out. I WOULD CRY!!! Then jump off a bridge…just sayin…but yes ummmm…congrats?
I’m totally cracking up. Your google analytics search terms win, hands down. Now I need to go back and check mine. I usually gloss over them.
I can’t get over the variety of searches that get people to your site—hysterical! My daughter has recently gotten obsessed with looking at mine to see how people came to my blog—but NONE are as good as this list. She also loves going to the google bar and beginning to type (slowly) “Why is . . . ” “What is . . . “Why didn’t . . .” etc. because Google will show you the question they THINK you are going to ask. Funny results (but still not as funny as yours). Thanks for the laugh!
Thanks for the morning laugh . . . I really needed it this morning!
When every I look at the keyword searches that brought people to my blog, I am equally horrified and brought to fits of laughter.
Oh and can you tell me what post ppl went to for this one, “girls, dogs and peanut butter” I am just a bit curious. ;)
The pb&j on hot dog buns. Of course. :)
Sorry about the tooth fairy search…
People find my site looking for porn — should have thought twice before using the word “wife” in my url!
I wish I knew how to check……………
I usually read your daily posts and chuckle. However, today, your comment about pregnant women @ 64 touched a nerve. As the writer and creator of NURTURE: Stories of New Midlife Mothers, the website http://www.MotheringintheMIddle.com, and several other entities designed to support women choosing motherhood over 40, I wanted to bring more awareness to your comment. Understanding that you are younger than I am and that all comments reflect the writer’s perspective, several of the women in my projects have indeed chosen motherhood in their late 50′s and early 60′s. As a new older mother, I am here to bring societal awareness to womens’ ability in the 21st century to make a myriad of life choices (esp. regarding motherhood) irrelevant of age. Thanks for the opportunity to express our point of view!
Love these! Makes me feel a little better about being on the first page for Google’s search of “third nipple.”
I just enjoy when people across the country are googling my name. And I don’t have a common one either. Anthony Recenello.
Thanks Jill. These are fabulous! I think the key word search is the funniest thing.Would love to know who some of these people are! That would make for some lively entertainment too. Who they are IRL.
First ..CONGRATS ON THE BOOK DEAL!!! Next. BWAHAHAHA! You just made me piss my pants with laughter.XO
Too funny!!! I do love that specific question about the strawberry salad – it’s like they think Google is a person!
One of the weirdest ones I got was ” naked” – wait, what???? Mortified. (DM me if you want to know who hehe)
This post strikes a nerve because the #2 search terms people use to find my website (and I am talking consistently, and I swear I am not making this up) are “outdoor litter box”. Really? I *almost* have Jenny McCarthy’s name, I write about s*x for a living, I have a VIDEO OF MYSELF IN THE BATH TUB on my home page, and the OLB is my second-biggest traffic-getter? At least I’m pretty sure I know who the tooth fairy is.
If Google doesn’t know what that strawberry salad was that Jennifer brought to the baby shower…who does know?
My favorite has been “are people in Iowa ugly.” Hell no, I am hot! And what kind of moron are you? Do you think we are some strange mutation of humanity that only exists in the center of our country? Although, at least they knew there was a state called Iowa.
The parent one made me laugh out loud (not just LOL) :) It reminded me of when I had my daughter and the docter reminded us not to drop her! Thanks, good advice, doc!
Someone should enroll that three-year-old hide and seek expert in the CIA stat. Best undercover agent EVER.
I think “how do you win hide-and-seek with a 3YO” is just a sly way of asking “how can I hide really, really good so my kid will never find me?”
This was the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Maybe all week. I shared it with all my co-workers so they didn’t think I was going nuts sitting in my cubicle cackling to myself.
The google search terms that my newest blog readers typed in last week:
*funny picture of man obsessed with feces
*i like pooping on my husband’s face
*my baby makes yummy poop
*fatbaby pooping
*is it normal to eat my own poop
People are sick. That’s why we like them.
My sides ache from laughing.
My favorite one from my blog this week: “How can I break my own finger.” People are nuts!
I was just looking at mine this morning. Mine aren’t as crazy as yours, but here are a few:
*cooking with ice (I get a LOT of hits on this and it was one of the first posts I ever wrote)
*pee pee pants (lots of variations of this)
*can I win the lottery
*how to stop the walking farts
I have no idea on that last one, but I’m thinking Jen’s post from yesterday is a good solution.
Ok…so I know this is the sleep deprivation talking, but when I read car charger; I was thinking…uhh, what type of car needs a charger to run it…and why would it be located underneath the passenger seat? Shouldn’t it be outside the car?
Yea…I rock that much.
Love the tooth fairy one. Makes you sit back and think…man some people are freaking special.
Holy shit I just laughed so hard at this one: “fuck. I’m a parent what the hell do I do now”
If they figure out the answer to this question, I hope they will let me know.
PS- Loved meeting you, although brief, at the pool on Thursday at BlogHer. Next time, we need to share a cocktail. Well, we can each have our own cocktails….
I’d think the first baby is usually the ice breaker, the one that stretches and tears everything first which would be the hardest coz it’s the first time your body is going through all that. Then anything after that is routine…your body is already too stretched out and saggy that it’s practically calloused by any future pregnancies. Which probably explains why Michelle Duggar withstood 19 childbirths…
Cool Beans!
I am waiting for the day when Ms. Duggar’s uterus falls out. It can happen. I’ve Googled it.
My neighbor was telling me about her mother who had that problem. She only had 4 kids and cleaned offices at night. Everynight when she was walking home, she would have to duck into doorways to tuck her uterus back in because she couldn’t afford to have a doctor take care of it. I thought that was so sad!
I always wonder if it was happening to her with four kids, how come it isn’t happening to Mrs Duggar!
Omg, Mary! That’s horrible! And with just four children. That poor woman:(
Hi, That was so funny! I am also someone who google for everything when I don’t have a clue. It’s surprising, most of the time I get my silly questions answered by somebody’s blog. People have written about all kinds of weird things that I’ll never be able to write something unique other than my own life!!;)
I have a tendency to ask Google politely, in a proper question format. Why the hell do I do that?
These are hilarious!!
Love that Sarah!
:-).
This list is hilarious! And much better than getting sickos looking for kid porn. I posted about my 4yo son loving his poster of Jake and the Pirates and now I get people looking for images of “boy love” or “little boy love” frequently.
ewww gross!!! can’t they track people like that via ip addresses and arrest them?
roflmao… what does Ab Lincoln have to do with you? did you ever write a post referring to him?
My mom had a friend that thinks he built the Titanic in a past life. He has full memories of being the engineer and refers to himself in the third person as “Tommy”. He wrote a book about it. The kicker is he bought my Mom’s car. It was a 15 year old buick that did not run and had flat tires. Now that is Karma for you. In you last life your ride was the Titanic. In this life its a piece of crap old lady buick. He traded her some god awful tiffany looking lamp to which my husband asked if it was from the Titanic. I wish I was making this up. It would make me feel better about people in general.
thank you for the laugh cannot believe people ask these things!
I have only one response to this: What the hell is wrong with people??
My favorite search had to do with someone’s aunt’s dexterous toes. I gagged.
umm…girls, dog, peanut butter might have been in reference a ranty post i made elsewhere…several yrs. ago i came home from work, baby sitter was on the effin’ phone, daughter was butt-ass naked in front of the open fridge covered in ranch dressing, that she insisted was lotion. i was watching a friends dog, and the dog walks up wagging his tail, covered in peanut butter. so was my son, who was in his underoos,playing video games, also covered in peanut butter. and dog hair. actually, everything was covered in peanut butter and dog hair. except for the daughter. i was totally pissed and went OFF. i scared that lazy little bitch so bad she didn’t even ask for her money. at least, i would hope so. otherise, that’s really gross!
This made me snort repeatedly.
And these are just the ones you CAN publish, right? ;)
People are weird, and nothing convinces me of this more than the search terms on my stat counter…
Hysterical! Really made me laugh
That last one is freaking terrifying!
Ha! I always imagine the expression on the person’s face who puts in a raunchy google search, and clicks on a blog where it’s just us moms talking about motherhood! Yuck! Go somewhere else! Good riddens!
Jen :)
Wow….do these people think there’s someone reading the search requests? Why write out a whole sentence? I think my favorite was where they thought google knew about the person who brought the salad to the baby shower! ROTFL
I love hearing how people stumble onto other people’s sites. Especially since the search results for mine are either extremely boring or borderline terrifying. I don’t know how many times I’ve had someone get to my site by searching for ruffled socks. Really?! Sorry, no ruffled socks there.
Dead Vagina Walking…I think that was me. ;)
Some Google searches that led people to my blog:
* all about camouflage
* glow in the dark penguin
*how to play pirates (this is actually quite valid, and apparently worth 9.5 minutes of someone’s time)
* nene thomas princess tais (huh?)
* playdoh buddha
* robot baby blanket (say that 5 times fast)
So freaking funny. The number one search term for people hitting my blog is tight butts! All because I used that term in a title a LONG time ago. They only stay for a split second though, cuz there ain’t no pix of tight butts on my blog! HA!
This is hilarious. I could read these all day! Google is one crazy place!
OMG. I just clicked on my stats, and the last person on my landed there by typing in “cream filled puff pastry that looks like diapers.”
WTF!
OMG! Thanks for the laugh. My co-workers prob think I’m crazy…but they prob already thought that.
Sorry if I led the 64 year old pregnant lady to your site. lol
I love the gushing goo one. Does someone *really* need to ask if they need to see a doctor?!
I would write a longer comment, but I am laughing too hard and think I just peed!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laughing out loud while sitting at my desk. Hope no one wanders by and wants to know what’s so funny.
Thanks for the laugh!
Maija
Hahaha… I love “How do I win at hide and seek with a three year old?”
That’s good. I recently had a visitor find me with “fat kids win at seesaw”
Seriously… who are these people? :)
Too funny!
People are indeed weird and scary. I am certain my daughter was the one who typed “Who really is the tooth fairy?” I keep telling her it is me, but she does not believe me.
i was looking for pot holders one time ( the daughter had made some really cool ones for me–the clash, dead kennedys, cheap trick, and i killed them), and all that came up was pot. pot seeds. pot plants.
i think the freakier one that came up was “why is there a dead pakistani on my couch?”
These are too funny! When I am bored at work sometimes I google the beginning of questions and let google fill in the rest with the top searched…it’s pretty scary/funny what people look for!
I wrote a food post about the dinner rolls my Granny used to make. She called them “buns” so I titled my post Granny’s buns. I now hatehatehate Google Analytics and am only reaffirmed in my belief that people will never cease to amaze me.
People are so bizarre. Hilarious!
Hahaha thanks for cracking me up!
I love the fact that you make me laugh, especially on days when I need it. I also love the fact that you do “it” well. It being able to write carefree. I mentioned you in my latest blog. I hope you stop by and see it.
Julie
Everyday I am amazed by the things people think! To some, Google knows ALL!…it’s like God!
My favorite so far from my site – “Fairly Oddparents Sex”. What kind of sicko searches for that anyway?
Thank you for making me pee my pants!
Oh I love me some analytics posts! Through google, my most trafficked keywords: chub and rub. Endless possibilities for them searchers to go there, and, of course they do.
Liz @ the six year itch recently posted..Slasher 20/10
HAHA!!!!
“fuck. I’m a parent what the hell do I do now” Good question.
I recently had someone find me by searching for “Mommy Killer”….they also left my first hate comment, calling me a piggy!
People are SCARY!
=)
Hilarious! People find my sites using some very peculiar phases, but not as odd as your searches. You should make this a monthly piece.
I am still new to blogging and TRYING to figure out all this computer stuff. I get cracked up at the logical things I search for and the results. Sometimes they have nothing to do with what I am looking for?!
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Someone found me recently by searching:
do you want dinner? or a bath? or… me?
People are silly.
Jennifavor recently posted..Doctors, Needles, Yuck!
I really needed this laugh tonight. Tears!
Needed a break from my work and what a perfect place for me to come. This totally cracked me up, your responses were hilarious. And I’m not 100% sure, but it might have been me who searched: “fuck. I’m a parent what the hell do I do now.” Does google keep searches from 5 years ago?
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those are awesome! instead of leaving my own analytics, I would humbly request if any moms with daughters out there wouldn’t mind taking a moment to fill out my survey i would really appreciate it! My sister and I are starting a business and we really need moms to give us feedback on our Mother-Daughter weekend retreat business. We have fun adventures while facilitating conversations between moms and daughters about puberty, dating, sex and sexuality. Thanks for any help!! Its only 10 questions and all answers are anonymous http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/3C9D7NZ
I see the same thing. People end up on your blogs searching for the weirdest things! I am guessing they don’t realize we can see their search terms!
“would you like a glass of water with that?”
…
Yes, yes I would.
Not Supermom recently posted..These Children.
I agree with Devon! Monthly piece! – LMAO! I just picture these people sitting down to write this believing they will actually get an answer. Love it!
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