Dead Vagina Walking

1367628355838.cached

I’m not great with dates. I can never remember minutiae like Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday of November or that New Years Day is exactly one week after Christmas. The individuals who know when Harvest Moons and Daylight Saving Time occur must be calendar makers or descendants of Nostradamus. If it weren’t for computerized alerts, I’d never be aware of birthdays, anniversaries, or the days Oprah is giving away gold-coated Maytags and half-sisters. The one date I can always remember – after three pregnancies in as many years – is the one that falls six weeks after delivery: The six week postpartum checkup.

It’s the appointment in which the OB will stare at your nethers under the glare of a strobe light mounted to a hardhat as she asks leading questions to discern how many times you’ve fallen down the stairs in a fit of delirium and how closely you identify with the movie The Omen. As you gently hint at the likelihood of getting a script for Tylenol PM for Infants, your doctor will smile at you, offer congratulations for your bundle of colic, and will utter the one sentence you are – no matter what her speculum says – entirely unprepared to hear:

You can resume sexual activity now.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below


Your Gone Fishin’ sign was just yanked right off your vagina. Mayan Year 2010 hit your private parts. If this visit follows the birth of your first baby, your husband is likely standing beside the table as this news is delivered. The grin to spread across his face will outstretch the one you saw when he was first handed his newborn child. The smile fades as he witnesses your descent through The Five Stages of Grief, all of which occur in dramatic flair with your knees still touching opposite coastlines.

Denial. “I think you have the wrong file. I just delivered a baby. A human. See, that’s her right there. That was inside of my body until she tore her way through it, like a goddamn Trojan Horse. Are you certain you went to medical school?”

Anger. “Why did you ask me here? I was told by a woman I work with that you were going to give me happy pills at this appointment, not tell me I need to be having sex with… (unsubtle head tilt in partner’s direction). And I would like my underwear back now.”

Bargaining. “Listen, I may have overreacted. Let’s find some middle ground. You pop a couple of those episiotomy stitches down there and I’ll tell all of my friends with yeast infections to come see you. Deal?”

Depression. The utterance of words during the passage through this phase ceases altogether as you consider that the only moments your day permits for a shower and a status update on Facebook have been stolen.

Acceptance. You nod slowly, shifting your eyes from the doctor, to the baby, to your husband, understanding that all are working in chorus to destroy your personal anatomy and your DVR queue.

You exit the physician’s office, quite possibly still wearing the oversized Maxi pads you absconded with from the hospital, with a slow and wearied gate. Dead Vagina Walking. Your husband, on the other hand, has a buoyancy to his step and is already suggestively whistling something by Marvin Gaye.

This is when the calendar floats into your consciousness again. Whatever day this six week postpartum check falls on – a Tuesday, a Friday, May, December – is the day that will be listed on your tombstone. This is the day you’re going to die. Your friends and family will eulogize your life with somber nods, “She endured too much. Sleeplessness, poor oral hygiene, elasticized waistbands, a diet of fistfuls of cereal. Despite this, her doctor told her she was ready for exercise and sex. It was too much to bear.”

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below


Too much is exactly what it is. A nurse once whispered in my ear, upon walking out the door with my firstborn child, to be wary of the six week post-delivery time as this is the period babies present colic, when postpartum depression rears its vicious head, and – tragically – when the help and casseroles from those around you disappear. The weight of these stressors only compounds when your husband starts in with the bedroom eyes. It’s not that you don’t appreciate those eyes. May God grant Sainthood to the man who can see beyond the facade of sagging skin and stretch marks to the woman he was attracted to once before. It’s not that you don’t love your husband. It has very little to do with him actually. Your body has been hijacked by hormones, your erogenous zones assassinated by nursing, and your ability to lay prone in the dark without falling comatose has been lost. And you’re a bit terrified because your lady innards still feel a lot like Hiroshima must have looked after the A-bomb.

However, he will start dry humping your leg like an un-neutered Jack Russell Terrier if you continue to cite ‘funky stuff you don’t want to even know about down there’ as your reason for celibacy. He will start to suspect you’re stretching the truth when you say you’re considering a Divine calling to join a Roman convent. Even you understand, with the small portion of brain matter you’ve got left, that reuniting may make you begin to feel more like your old self. You’ve weathered pregnancy and delivery together without any casualties, thus there must be hope for the same outcome in the bedroom. After all, isn’t marriage about compromise and leaps of faith?

But it’s completely fair to say you’re not taking your sweatpants off.

Related post: New Mom Misery

About the writer

Erin writes the website I'm Gonna Kill Him, a humor place about marriage and husbands and life after family. She is a mother of three and has recently moved to the very bizarre state of Maine. Between her husband, her children, and the weirdness of Mainers, she has a lot of fodder. She also tweets as @gonnnakillhim.

From Around the Web

Close

Jean 2 weeks ago

Hysterical! Even though I am 64, I still remember that visit and being scared to death of having sex again. Of course, there was my husband with flowers and champagne. I guess we survived.

PNW Jenn 2 weeks ago

My crotch reeked like a grocery store meat counter for a month. At the dog park an overly curious dog shoved her nose in my lady parts, prompting me to tell her horrified owner that I’d just had a baby “and probably smelled really interesting.” Poor woman practically ran for the hills.

I didn’t want anyone near my crotch for any reason. Besides, my sexual appetite was ravenous while I was pregnant. My husband had his chance!

Rajesh 5 months ago

I tallnig you places call me my nem bar 8886700377

Emma 5 months ago

This made me laugh so much I nearly peed my granny pants. But that’s partly because I am yet to regain full control of my bladder…. That’s for the giggles lady!

Shari Long Romero 6 months ago

I love your website and blogs. I have to say, however, you should seriously consider a certified nurse-midwife:) The humor will still be there, but the understanding and empathy will be exponentially greater! I have shared some of your writings on my Facebook page, and my midwifery peers along with my friends and family have enjoyed them immensely. I have four kids myself and have just celebrated the one year anniversary that marks my official start of menopause. Thanks for great insight and sharing most everyone’s perspective!

Captain Optimist 6 months ago

Just because you CAN have sex again doesn’t mean you have to. This post weirded me out just a bit, like you get pressured to have sex when you don’t want to. I hope that’s not the case. I hope your husband respects you enough to wait until you’re ready.

Getting clearance to have sex at 6 weeks doesn’t mean you’re required to go right home and do it.

Sex, even in marriage, requires consent from both partners. Actual consent, not begrudging acceptance.

Kelly 6 months ago

I loved every second of sex with my hubby; and, we got intimate before six weeks: when my lochia ended. I’m so sorry you felt this way.

shawnda 6 months ago

They do, they come in tubes in naughty shops. Just squirt a good dose of warming lube and hand it off to your SO lol

Ginger 8 months ago

I was in tears from laughing by the time I finished reading this! Of course I expected it to take years of therapy & Prozac to get over how traumatizing hearing “you can have sex now” at my post-baby check up was. Especially since I had an episiotomy big enough to make the Grand Canyon look like a small ditch. At least virginity pain is a one & done. I was convinced my vagina was getting revenge for labor…. “You know that sex you had to create the baby? Yeah, you’re about to be punished for it. A lot.”

Lisa 8 months ago

With my first I waited the 6 weeks, but exactly a year later, I only waited 2 and now we’re working on #5 due in May and I don’t plan on waiting very long!

Smith Jennifer 9 months ago

We got pregnant again after my 6 week check up.

Amy Miller 9 months ago

Definitely funny

Dorothy Kusztyb-Kirtley 9 months ago

This is funny

Jenn Cudney-Lopez 9 months ago

I couldn’t (and didn’t) wait passed 4 weeks

Tanya Powers 9 months ago

I never even had this appt and I had sex 3 weeks after I had my c section. Everyone is different and our bodies all respond differently.

Holly Walton 9 months ago

Can’t say I agree with this one at all. I had my daughter naturally, had an episiotomy, AND the doctor had to remove the placenta by hand (they knocked me out, but my husband was there, and he won’t talk about it). I got pretty well obliterated.

I made it to almost 4 weeks until I told my husband “I’d kill for a condom.” He had told me from the get-go that he would wait on me to say when I was ready, and he did. When I said the word, I don’t think he’d ever driven (to the store) so fast in his life.

I got “The Glare” from my doctor at that appointment. But it was worth it. 😉

Brittany McCann 9 months ago

Mine

Brittany McCann 9 months ago

Very funny… This was munge and my Hubby’s 4th so he was ready after about a week… I felt almost like a had to beat him off of me with a stick!!! Lol

Rose Marie Bogaard 9 months ago

After being in the Navy and being prone for rifle quals, I was a little thrown off, myself.

Emily Therese Glatczak 9 months ago

I skipped those appointment.

Danielle Bennett 9 months ago

I feel your pain.

Vanessa Erin Martinez 9 months ago

Hilarious

Jenifer Hernandez 9 months ago

I went alone and told the dr. “Ill just pretend you said ten… possibly twelve weeks. ” she laughed. Me deadpan, “yeah thats right.” Uncomfortable laugh from her and the trainee. If im uncomfortable everyone will be uncomfortable.

Angela Welch Courteau 9 months ago

That happened to me…. Twice… TWICE!!!!!!!

Angela Welch Courteau 9 months ago

And then 3 days after that check up you sex of up and find out you are preggo once again!!!!! Then you look up to the sky and say….wtf!!!! Really!!! Awww come one!!! I JUST …just effin survived this!!!!

Stephanie Werner 9 months ago

Lol!!

Laura Marie Didricksen 9 months ago

I had 5 kids and never failed , while I was expecting was when I want it the most sex. I never stop having sex.

Lori Yemm 9 months ago

Too true . lol

Alyssa 9 months ago

Yes I agree I completely. I have my six week check up next week and I am DYING to get the green light to get it on! I mean, I’m delirious from lack of sleep and need a spa day BAD and have zero sex appeal but my boyfriend is still super attracted to me so I am excited to get the okay. Also he put on more lbs than I did during pregnancy and it looks pretty good on him. So I’m always checkin his ass out. Haha

Marissa Peterson 9 months ago

It all should be when YOU are ready. Being medically cleared just means you won’t get infection, not it’ll all be just fine and will be awesome any easy. Love the title though. :)

tiffany 9 months ago

I can totally relate at a little over a year after giving birth to our second. Seriously…what is with men and knowing you can no longer use that as a cop out?

Lesli Metcalf LaDuke 9 months ago

I only waited 5 weeks. I couldnt hold out anymore and it was fine. I had our son all natural and did have some stitches. Glad I healed up so well! I must have been quite lucky!

Leandra D. Turner 9 months ago

I had sex two weeks pp from a c-section with all my babies lol

Tara Duranceau Mayle 9 months ago

Lol. Not true for me. I had a c section and i was the one who felt great and resumed 2 weeks after having her 😉

Sarah Day 9 months ago

This cracked me up! I joked with my OBGYN that I’m more afraid now than the first time ever. He said, “thats because she came out of you.” We got a lot of good laughs!

Kelly Allison 9 months ago

My husband was at every single one of my appointments but that’s because it was our first child. I didn’t ask him to, he volunteered. Some guys are like that. At the hospital the stirrup on my right side was broken so during labor he had to hold my leg up. He wanted the full experience and he got it.

Kelly Allison 9 months ago

I could have easily put a chastity belt on for a few months after because that episiotomy scarred me for life (mentally and physically). My husband was so understanding and helpful through the entire pregnancy and postpartum that making him wait felt unjust. We started the day of my six week appt once I got approval.

Sarah Elizabeth Bussell 9 months ago

With my first born I didn’t even wanna think about sex.. I now have a 5 week old baby and I can’t wait for my husband to come home from work.. He works in the oilfield and will be home next week… My dr told me I may not feel like doing it for another month or so… I didn’t tell him we actually did 2 days before my appointment!

Kelly Allison 9 months ago

I was basically traumatized and did not want to have sex at all. I was stitched in three different places (wasn’t numb at all for that one) and could barely pee for the entire six weeks without using dermaplast spray. Also lots of bleeding for that time as well. I was dreading the approval and my husband and I had a great sex-life prior.

Anna Hart 9 months ago

This makes me cringe and almost cry in pain to read.

Tara McMahon Bonewitz 9 months ago

Usually these articles/blogs make me giggle a little to myself this one literally made me laugh out loud…more than once! Too funny thanks for the bright spot in my morning!

Renea Rucker Poole 9 months ago

When i had my first child, I thought it all was perfect.My waterbroke the night before my due date and he was born on his due date w/ no drugs. Then 5 weeks after I noticed something wrong with my stomach, I had a gauze left inside me that they don’t remember using :/ I asked to have it removed from a different doctor.. so my 6 weeks check up was horrifying !!

Sarah Jane Owens 9 months ago

Ok. Second post I’ve read this morning and I can’t take it! PRONE means to lie FACE DOWN! SUPINE means to lie on one’s BACK!

Candace Ortiz 9 months ago

Very well written. A truthful and funny read this morning. Thanks for sharing!

Karen 9 months ago

Let me preface this with, I am not a mother. As such I admit that I have no idea about the experiences of giving birth and the time after. I found this article because a friend that does have children linked it on facebook and the title was amusing. I thought the article was very amusing, I am sure it was meant to be lighthearted, but a small niggle of annoyance on your behalf just won’t go away.

I know that 6 weeks (plus any time before the birth) can be a long time for couples to go without. But the 6 week appointment and the permission the doctor gives you to resume activities shouldn’t create these kind of feelings, even jokingly. Intimacy should ALWAYS be when BOTH partners are up for it – physically and emotionally. A woman’s husband, her partner, should be willing to accept if she is not ready, even if she has the doctors ok, and agree without any sort of emotional (or physical) manipulation. And if they can’t then maybe a long conversation, with or without a therapist or counselor, is in order.

Even without having children my husband and I have gone stretches of up to a 1-3 months without sex because due to time restraints and stress (me:full time job, full time school, 4.0 gpa, him: 40-50 hours working in IT and independent studying for his next certification). I have had to tell him that I love him but I am not in a mental/energy place to want or enjoy sex and can we cuddle and watch netflix instead because that’s what I needed to not fall apart. And, similarly, there have been times he has told me he is not up for it- given, they happen a lot less often. So I have practiced what I preach, so to say.

I know that this reaction of mine is extreme. And in many cases the women might have anything against resuming activities other then sheer tiredness, in that case, they should do as they feel is right. But the underlying tone of the post just put my guard up.

Beatrice 9 months ago

Maybe it wasn’t clear for someone who hasn’t given birth. But the author was not referring to sex in general. She’s talking specifically about post-partum sex, which, after vaginal delivery can be scary. My OB actually said to wait at least 2 more weeks at my 6-week check-up (sigh of relief! Not because I don’t love or desire my husband, but because I was in pain! And I felt I was still a mess). After my first, sex was painful for me for about 6 months. Thankfully my husband is more evolved than you and would not leave me for another woman just for having to wait a few weeks until his wife recovers, he can see the bigger picture. And he would want for sex to be enjoyable for me too, so all the more reason to give me a few extra weeks to feel up to it.

Beth Laf 9 months ago

Relax ladies this is a humor site. As a mom of 7 I can say I have had every single one of these reactions on that checkup

Hannah Pemberton 9 months ago

I find this really offensive. Men are not mindless nymphos who will hump your leg. This makes sex sound like a chore and torture; maybe he just craves connecting to his wife!

Sandra Kreiner 9 months ago

I’m pregnant with baby number 3 right now, my fiancé and I are getting married 6 weeks after this baby is due, I’m hoping I get the clearance from my doctor for our wedding night lol if not tho, I’m sure he’ll understand….

Laurie Griffis 9 months ago

Today is my 6 week check up and this is right on

Wendy Stone 9 months ago

Lmao!! This is funny! I had my 2nd child (9 mos ago) and I don’t think we resumed for 12-16 weeks! It was rare & painful… This is coming from me… A person with healthy, sexual appetite. Was I upset that there was pain? Yes!! I waited 12-16 weeks because there was just TOOmuch pain. I gave my ob/gyn the death stare at 6 weeks because she confirmed “still swollen but you’ll be ok to resume”! Uh… No.

My first child?… I was ready to go before the end of week 2…

Irene Canela Ruiz 9 months ago

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Jean Cochran Kelosky 9 months ago

Am I the only one whose husband said he didn’t care what the doctor thought, he cared what I wanted? He didn’t pressure me at all.

Heidi Libetti-O’Connor 9 months ago

LMAO!!

Bridgette Rixman 9 months ago

Well said….my OB a female…I’m sure she wrote a Dr excuse for herself…at least for 12 weeks!!!! I was completely appalled when she declared me “Fit for Duty”….I’m in physical therapy 8 hours a week, my pelvic bone is off track cause my cervix is stuck in between and my uterus is falling out….oh yeah, go in ahead and resume the very act that put you in this position…LOL

Stacie Tobey 9 months ago

Bahahahaha!!!!

Stephanie Eads Thornton 9 months ago

Bahahaha!

Kylie Hart 9 months ago

All these women saying they had sex a few days-a few weeks after (before 6 weeks)…how!?!? Did you not bleed afterward!? Because I’m pretty sure with both my kids it was like the heaviest, weirdest smelling period of my life and there’s no way I was letting/he would be willing to get all up in my business while that was happening!

Amanda Ewer Boughner 9 months ago

Too funny!

Chardelle Renee Jackson 9 months ago

Am I the only one who was pressuring HIM not to wait the 6 whole weeks? I couldn’t wait to have sex again. And postpartum dryness isn’t anything a little lube won’t fix!

Tina Whyte 9 months ago

Call me crazy but I didn’t go in for this 6 week check up after my 2nd child… I had no tearing or ripping during his birth. Everything felt normal to me and the child’s father so we carried on! I dunno if I’ll go to a postpartum check up after this delivery either. Unless there is tearing or a complication….

Gwen Debler 9 months ago

Idk I was looking forward to the A-OK as much as my hubby, isn’t that normal?!

Linda Jayne Spray 9 months ago

I didn’t know they checked your bits! I can’t figure out if this is because I had all c-sections, or more likely they don’t do it in England.

Sophia Rosina Luna 9 months ago

Although hubby and I had a great time exploring other ways to feel sexually close, I must say that we waited only 3 weeks and even that was hard for me. When it finally happened it was amazing from all the waiting though lol!!!

Laurie Braslins 9 months ago

I’m a csection mom with a family doctor. we know my cervix is defective so they never look :)

Megan Richardson 9 months ago

Hilarious writer.

Jana Kline Fligor 9 months ago

HAHAHAHHAHA

Heather C Lind 9 months ago

I am soooo happy I had 2 c-sections!

Momma Artist 9 months ago

I did not expect to feel so horny after giving birth! I think I read it has something to do with breastfeeding releasing the same hormones as foreplay/sex. We were lucky to get a few moments, maybe once a week where we could *do something*, but only something for my husband. There was absolutely NO way anyone was touching me anywhere near my nether regions – it was so strange though, I would be super horny (and it was torture). After the 6 week “okay” I was still very scared and we had to take it super slow & gentile. After each time I needed a good week to recover and feel ready to have sex again – but still enjoyed it each time and was able to orgasm.

Kristy Paukstis Stroup 9 months ago

No, not at all.

Sarah Owen Glazier 9 months ago

My OB also commented that I didn’t scar. I was like “Oh that’s good because I was worried about PRETTY”.

Lisa Allen 9 months ago

Bahahahaha… that’s to funny

Vanessa Muro 9 months ago

Lol. How true

Melanie Hendrickson 9 months ago

It took me about 4 months before I allowed my husband to touch me. And another 2 until we had sex again.

Gillian Nicole 9 months ago

I needed 6 months … Ugh

Kim Houter 9 months ago

I have the best Hubbie he waits until i’m ready :) Now counting 10 months, but still laying next to me every evening :) with the first we waited a year because i had 26 stitches :0

Sharon Dickerhoff-Graevell 9 months ago

Bravo!

Susan Bauer Kutterer 9 months ago

Lmao. Ok. Been 26 yrs since my last delivery but can still relate.

Kerry Bowers 9 months ago

Hilarious!!!

Heidi Sells Bettler 9 months ago

Good laugh

Claire Culshaw 9 months ago

Laughed sooo much at this…

Rosie Pandie 9 months ago

This applies to women who had c sections, too!

Carol Ann Flythe 9 months ago

I had an episiotomy and my junk hurt for 5 weeks. I told hubby I wanted to try it but I needed him to go slow. It wasn’t the best but wasn’t painful like I thought it’d be. I’m just amazed he still found me desirable after watching my son come out of me

Natasha Mclaughlin 9 months ago

I was the same was couldn’t wait to have sex and I feel like I want it more than my husband lol

Chrissy Stavig Just 9 months ago

Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious!

Chanda S Healton 9 months ago

We couldn’t wait, but I had a very well behaved baby via C-section. I think we barely made it two weeks. Because I had such a hard time getting pregnant (took us 16 years to finally make it happen) we were hoping for a second right away. Didn’t happen. She is an only child 3 years later and most likely staying that way. Nothing to fear and it can be a good stress reliever. I must say those first few weeks torturing ourselves waiting were pretty good, maybe the best it had ever been. Now 6 weeks is nothing, sometimes we go 12 weeks in between

Oz mumma 9 months ago

I’ve had four babies and down here in Australia we generally see our gp at the 6 week check, I’ve not had an exam at a 6week checkup EVER, and I had already resumed bedroom gymnastics about 2weeks after each… Having said that I didn’t require stitches after birth so maybe I’m just lucky?

Nina Brandau 9 months ago

So you’re husband must know *sarcasmoff*

Randi Trivitt Grant 9 months ago

Scary accurate

Sara Montonati 9 months ago

Ha! Love this.

Courtney Gautier 9 months ago

My vag got cut from hole to hole. 6 weeks was the LEAST I needed to heal. As far as my hubby’s feelings? Don’t give a shit- I’m the one who pushed 9.5 lbs out of my vagina. Guess who can wait for sex? THAT GUY.

Kerstie 9 months ago

I guess having a c-section makes it different for me plus I was only 19 when I had my son. My husband and I were both ready at 6 weeks but we also had sex the day I went into labor so I guess I’m an odd ball. I’m guess natural child birth makes you not want to have sex anymore. I’m happy I had a c section specially since my son was over 10 pounds.

Erin SpicyVendetta Picou 9 months ago

Bless yalls hearts that had vagi delivery.

Courtney Gautier 9 months ago

I say- continue to wear the maxi pads- I’ve yet to meet a man who can handle that.

Madelyn Kay Tillman 9 months ago

He’s sweet.

Kaara Moyers 9 months ago

I don’t think she meant to berate her. I’ve had 3 c-sections, and was warned not to have sex for at least 6-8 weeks, because your internal stitches can be damaged by the muscle spams when you orgasm, plus it puts you at great risk for infection. It could’ve been worded differently, but the concern is real.

Pooja Rathore 9 months ago

Amazing post!

Jennifer Joyce Offenbach 9 months ago

The longest I waited after 4 kids was 2 weeks. I was really excited to have my body back and to have non pregnant sex. Very liberating.

Jennifer Joyce Offenbach 9 months ago

England you can have at it when ever you feel ready. They like you to have had a go by your six week check so that they can identify any potential problems.

Tami 9 months ago

My oldest is 17, and I’m still waiting for any sexual desire to come back. We’ve had 2 more kids, but in my mind it was more of a baby-making chore than anything else. I know that sounds terrible… It is what it is.

Sarah Bittorf 9 months ago

Lmao too funny

Emma Jayne Goodman 9 months ago

Really ? I had sex two days after my son was born wasn’t a big issue to me.

Clare Spencer 9 months ago

You all crack me up

Ross Monica Busker-Johnson 9 months ago

OMGoodness!!! Love it!!!

Gina Roberge 9 months ago

Sex was a breeze at 6 weeks. 2.5 years later I don’t have the energy for it.

Jessica Eldred 9 months ago

I made my poor hubby wait about 10+ weeks. My pubic bone broke during birth and there was no way he was coming near me. Plus I had stitches. When we did start to have sex again it was very painful for months. But it’s good now.

Tara Phelan 9 months ago

This is hilarious!!!

Tori Richardson 9 months ago

OMG I died laughing reading this!!!

Kacy Phillips Hansen 9 months ago

my doctor said to wait 6-9 weeks. My husband heard 69 weeks. I went with that. 😉

Jill Sumi 9 months ago

Lol!

Naomi Roberts 9 months ago

Just because you’re physically ready/able doesn’t mean you are mentally or emotionally ready. Sex is meant to be an expression of love and not a chore.

Dawn White 9 months ago

OMG I couldn’t WAIT!!! 3 cesarean, 2 VBAC…waited just long enough for the bleeding to back off, lol.

Jennifer Osso 9 months ago

It’s one thing if you are ready and wanting it, but if your man is pressuring you and acting like a big baby. I’m sorry but you got a douch bag. A real man will wait until you are healed and ready and will take matters in his own hands or um.. Hand 😉

Crystal Davis-Conerly 9 months ago

Natural tear and two c sections. Longest we waited was 2 weeks for the bleeding to stop.

Rozi Corrigan 9 months ago

Weird. My hubby and I both wanted/needed sex so bad we started again at 5 weeks.

Crystal Davis-Conerly 9 months ago

Never waited for that appointment. My poor husband probably thought he was guaranteed at least 6 weeks. He didn’t even get two, after both c sec and a natural delivery.

Leslie Hepburn 9 months ago

3 weeks post partum c section. Doc said the only thing they are really concerned about is increased fertility after giving birth, other than that as long as it wasn’t painful, then it’s fine.

Miranda Sharp 9 months ago

I love this! Lol

Sara Torbett 9 months ago

No fucking way.

Leslie Hepburn 9 months ago

Must be different with a c section, I was cool after a week, then had sex about three weeks post partum. The only thing my doc was concerned about was being extremely fertile, and said if I didn’t feel discomfort or pain, it was fine.

Shazia Sarmad 9 months ago

Everyone should wait six week because that is recommended by docters so you can heal up

Ingrid Gretchen Sjoberg 9 months ago

A blow job goes a long way for getting extra shit done around the house during that postpartum time (or anytime, really).

Katie Tookie-Tookie 9 months ago

Holy shit this is the funniest and most accurate mommy post I have ever read.

Jasmine Ember 9 months ago

I went in 4 weeks after and I refused my exam… Screw that!

Teresa Doni 9 months ago

100 percent agree

Angie Ciccati 9 months ago

He definitely didn’t come to mine. No need. Same as an annual pap. No need to have him stand there while they examine my stitches and tell me I’m constipated.

Teresa Doni 9 months ago

Yes i really do hes amazing and it was really rough but when we finally got to it was like the first time but somehow even better lol worth the wait.

Likes it 9 months ago

I have given birth. My first was 8 pound 8 ounces. No drugs. 100% natural. 23 hours of HARD ass labor. I made it a week before I wanted to do it. Fuck the stitches, I tore like no ones business. I had one hole. ONE! Have you ever been stitched up without ANY thing to numb you? It fetching hurts! There is not even a cute baby after to make it all better!
Seriously, I made it a week. A WEEK! Just make sure there is plenty of lube, feels so MUCH BETTER after than before! Sex is amazing!

Michelle Smith 9 months ago

My husband said I was fine and had a quick y my son was 3.5 weeks the wex was so painful

Monica Rose Gonzalez-Padilla 9 months ago

I also had placenta previa. Good thing i was single and didn’t have any man wanting sex. You’ve got a good husband there!

nataly 9 months ago

completely agree…right before reading this post I was talking about it with my boyfriend. then I read this. NOPE, not happening.

Julie Liggett 9 months ago

So glad I’m not alone on this. I agree, if he doesn’t go to my pap smear, why would he be at this?

Patti Coakley Santovasi 9 months ago

Love you articles….spot on!!!

nataly 9 months ago

mark, you’re amazing for realizing an area where you may have been wrong. 90% of men fail to see the other side. and for that, i’m sure your wife is happy & is a very lucky lady. :)

Monica Rose Gonzalez-Padilla 9 months ago

I feel ya. :(

Laura Crawford 9 months ago

I don’t go to his physicals (can you imagine sitting there for the bend and cough?!?!) so I’m not sure why he’d need to go to mine. I get when you are pregnant because it’s about baby, but after, I don’t see why he would come.

Kathi Barfield-Brewer 9 months ago

I have some 23 yr old stitches scars that still bother me sometimes.

Liberty Jason Flowers 9 months ago

Wow, my post is not somewhere to berate someone for having sex with her man Kathi…. Mind your own business

Deidre Westover 9 months ago

Once I was healed up, I was really horny!

Kathi Barfield-Brewer 9 months ago

3 weeks is way too soon after a c-section. Your internal parts are not healed and you can cause problems.

Kim Aceves-Beltran 9 months ago

Actually felt more like a teenager in heat…after wks of sneaking around (w/a sleeping NB) fondling/dryhumping/almost 3rd base it was time when I felt it was time. Although forbidden before 6wks, I didn’t wait for my Dr.’s blessing, after I got rid of the mother of all periods(!) of course, I felt healed enough to do it. Believe me it helps w/all the stress & emotional crap that comes outta nowhere. Having that intimacy back is as self reassuring as it is self medicating (endorphins remember those?). If you’re dreading it, you’re not doin it right! Read up, get creative, and enjoy it u owe it to yourself to feel sexy again!

Kimberly White 9 months ago

I went to THAT one alone!!!

Kathi Barfield-Brewer 9 months ago

How many that rushed back into it had an epesiotamy or c-section?

Amber Fragoso 9 months ago

I never got any casseroles! But the at the 6 week mark the ‘1 hour of sleep but your still up and running like a machine’ ability definitely disappears

Laura Crawford 9 months ago

Lucky. I could even sit on the toilet for 2 weeks. My first was 6 months off, a year before everything felt normal again. My second was less than six weeks. All depends on the delivery and how the body recovers

Kathi Barfield-Brewer 9 months ago

My little one did not sleep unless I held her. Even then, sleep was questionable.This was a big road block to getting back in the swing of things.

Sarah Lisonbee-Cappuccino 9 months ago

This had me rolling!

Momstache 9 months ago

“That creep show called birth”… I’m dying. LOL

Savannah Jane Austin 9 months ago

I had a cerclage at 13 weeks so that meant no sex the rest of my pregnancy. I was sore less than a week and home doin laundry in less than 24 hrs after birth.

Suzanna Bean 9 months ago

Wow, with my six week check up next week…I can fully attest to the truth within.

Hannah Dormeier 9 months ago

I was counting down to doing it after week two. Longest 6 weeks… 😉

Desiree Marie Roberts 9 months ago

Yes!

Julie Liggett 9 months ago

I guess because I didn’t need him there for anything??!? Not because he COULDN’T be there, but it just isn’t necessary. Never even occurred to me.

Fräulein Frühauf 9 months ago

I never had stitches for any of my 3 kids and have always resumed whenever I felt ready without any problems, definitely earlier than 6 weeks

Kristina Marrington 9 months ago

It’s been almost 10 years since my last child was born, but remember it all very vividly! This piece is fantastically written! Thanks for the laughs & the trip down memory lane :)

Teresa Doni 9 months ago

I wasnt allowed to have sex for over half of my pregnancy due to placenta previa. About 6 months sex free. My husband was so kind patient and understanding through everything. We couldnt wait to have sex agian. We waited the 6 weeks after birth since i was healing from a csection but we jumped in bed the minute we got the go ahead and it was AMAZING! Our sex life is now better than ever even with a 10 month old lol

Jessica Pham 9 months ago

I think it depends on the birth you had and where you ripped. This article is spot on for me! I didn’t want any thought of sex at 6 weeks I could still hardly walk.

Leandra Roesch Beshea 9 months ago

I was that way too!

Nicole McDonald 9 months ago

Haha… Tears of laughter because it’s dead on… Pun intended!

Heather Crowther 9 months ago

LOL

Shannon Coleman LaPres 9 months ago

Hilarious.

Kayla D. Ruth 9 months ago

Just had a baby 3 weeks ago today and dtd yesterday. But I had a c section.

Ellen Pride 9 months ago

” Dead vagina walking” made me think this story was about menopause lol

Tania 9 months ago

I couldn’t even begin to think about sex for a full 6 months after each of my three kids were born. Even now I would choose sleep over sex any day of the week, and my youngest is 3. After going through the trauma of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and two miscarriages – I have zero interest in being touched in a sexual way again, ever. (Sad, but true).

Tabitha Mott 9 months ago

Seriously?
Didn’t your husband just watch life being yanked out of you?
How could the post partum appointment be any different?
My husband comes to all of my appointments

Kris Gatzemeyer 9 months ago

My doctor gave me the happy news that we could resume coitus, and I laughed at him. He told me that “Sooner or later, your husband will insist.” I laughed harder. Fast forward 19 years and two kids later, and he asks if I’m still sexually active. Nope, I just lay there. He’s learned to be more specific in his questioning.

Katya Camp 9 months ago

Oh… I can SOOO relate! My poor hubby was so patient after both our kids as he waited for me to heal that I let him have it, even though for a few months, I would rather do just about anything else. :/ kinda hard to feel sexy when your most defining physical characteristic is flab. And tearing down under didn’t help much either…

Lisa Marshall Alvarez 9 months ago

After my 6 week appointment, I literally made my doctor write a “prescription” to my husband that I was not in working order just yet, lol. It was true because of some tearing that had not healed. My hubby was not there so I needed it for reference. lol!

Sarah Lutz 9 months ago

I had the exact same thing!! So much pain!

Chelsa Parker 9 months ago

I laughed way too hard at this…. So true in so many ways. My doc def told me to use LOTS OF LUBE!!! Haha when I got home my husband was waiting with condoms. Lol

Judith Taylor 9 months ago

I clearly need me both a midwife who gives a damn (no 6 week check) and a new hubby…..!

Monica Rose Gonzalez-Padilla 9 months ago

Man, I’m still not OK from all those stitches… My son is gonna be 8 on Wednesday! Lol. FML

Leila Galloway 9 months ago

Lol

Amber Anderson 9 months ago

Hahahaha

Bitter 9 months ago

I am torn between finding this hilarious and getting pissed the heck off at the neanderthal-like sex drive of the male of our species.
Men suck so damn much.

Liberty Jason Flowers 9 months ago

I was very lucky that my 3 didn’t do anything to the lady bits. And I got yelled at all 3 times by my male ob, even though I’m pretty sure he was high fiving my hubs while I stared at the ceiling and waited for him to hurry up and leave my bits alone

Margarita Quezada 9 months ago

I took 12 weeks lol

Katy Schreyach 9 months ago

Bahaha the five stages of grief! Exercise and sex…it was too much to bear! Yes!! Lol dying!!

Renée Lamarque 9 months ago

We never managed to wait the 6 wks… my biggest fear was getting pregnant

Rose Marie Bogaard 9 months ago

I had stitches inside “there” so it was a no go the first time. My 2nd and 3rd was okay, but this last baby, I just have no interest.

Kerry McAleese 9 months ago

3 weeks and I was begging for it but waited till 6 weeks. My husband was afraid to hurt me, wanted the Dr’s ok. It’s our first ☺

Melissa Fisher 9 months ago

My stitches were so painful for months after it supposedly healed, so I totally get this!

Savannah Jane Austin 9 months ago

Whys everyone so uptight and whiney. I couldn’t wait! This article is so far from the truth.

Chicago! 9 months ago

6 weeks! My son is 10 months now and it is still horribly painful!

Becky Whitton 9 months ago

My hubby & i had sex at 4/5 weeks pp. Wasn’t bad, just had to take it a lil slow & be gentle. & yes that was my 1st baby, vagina birth

Kara Willis 9 months ago

So true! OMG, I had terrible scar tissue with my stitches on my tear. So much so it required a second follow up and it still wasn’t completely right for a while!

Liberty Jason Flowers 9 months ago

Haha…. I was back to sexy time 2 weeks after each kid, but to each their own right?

Lisa Miller 9 months ago

This is utterly amazing.

Pamela Waling 9 months ago

Brilliant

Julie Liggett 9 months ago

Why the HECK is would you bring your husband with you?! No witnesses!

Amanda Mirambell-Grice 9 months ago

I was 12 weeks pp when I started trying to have sex the first time. 3 weeks the second. Guess which one was the vaginal delivery

Shannon Casey 9 months ago

Wow she nailed it!

Marie Plueger 9 months ago

I had sex 5 and 6 weeks after my daughters were born…out wasn’t that bad! Actually it was like or first time all over again…a little nervous, a bunch of giggling…and it helped me get back to a normal relationship with my husband!

Rebecca Boulet 9 months ago

6 week check up is the worst where are the drugs!!!

Kathy Beneker 9 months ago

Hilarious!

Krysta Climo 9 months ago

Lol with my 1st I told my dr I would give him money to write a note saying I can’t have sex for many more weeks!! With my 2nd I didn’t even wait 3weeks!! It’s different every time!!

Heather Briles Rodriguez 9 months ago

Hilarious and so true!

Becky Vonasek 9 months ago

Ha ha ha! This cracked me up because it’s soooooooo true!

Monica Jo Ptacek 9 months ago

6 years sounded like rushing things to me! 6 week appointment is just cruel…I wanted to tell her to refuse to write my BCP script-anything to get me off the hook :(

L 9 months ago

I have to take this moment to vent. I WISH my husband wanted to have sex with me, I was ready about five weeks after my emergency c section. At my six week appointment the dr kept asking what kind of birth control I was on and when I replied “nothing” kept pushing the pills. What I didn’t say was, “lady, I don’t need birth control because my husband doesn’t even sleep in the same bed with me anymore.” Why? I don’t know. But we have had sex twice in the last four months and that makes me feel like an unattractive piece of garbage. I’ve lost all but 8 pounds of the baby weight, put on makeup every day, keep the house immaculate and the baby is happy and healthy. But none of that matters because suddenly the man who couldn’t get enough of me wants me nowhere around him. So count your blessings and do whatever it takes to get in the mood, if you love him. I know you don’t feel your best and would like a little more recovery time but trust me – its absolutely crushing to a persons spirit to be turned down, let alone repeatedly turned down. He will feel ugly, unloved, last on your list – don’t do that to your partner.

jenn jabber hughes 11 months ago

I have two belt buckles one is just a cutesy one with some cherries on it.. and the other says.. “Area Closed” and my kids dad knew not to even think about it when I had the other one on.. and yes wore it for a while after having the babies and now it’s a once a month type deal. lol

Elise 11 months ago

I’m fairly certain that response came from a man (“Dead Man Walking”) in which case I would have been far less polite in my response.

Dead Man- If you ever squeeze a baby out then you can have a say, until then we’d all ask that you shut the hell up. You have no idea what giving birth (or the aftermath) is like and therefore you should have absolutely no say in when a woman is comfortable enough to have sex with her husband again after giving birth.

Holla 11 months ago

Lol I could imagine from all the horror stories I’ve heard, but I’m the opposite. My parts were good to go after birth and only waited 2 weeks at most. Love sex!!

Mom of 2 vagina blasters 11 months ago

Hey now, I love sex but at 6 weeks out from delivery with my first I still couldn’t sit in the car for more than 20 minutes because it hurt so bad. So it was many more weeks until I had sex and I was terrified. Maybe you lucked out and didn’t tear but most women do so give us a break. Judge much?

sara 12 months ago

We made it 4 days after our third and final child. I had the first glass of wine I’d had in a year, which got me a bit tipsy and it seemed like a great idea. I had no issues with delivery, and only stayed at the hospital for 24 hours. Like, exactly 24 hours, to the minute. It was a very easy pregnancy and easy birth.

Dead man walking 12 months ago

Thank God one woman on here sees sex as something for her, too. Reading the opinions you’d think this was an annoying obligation for women, victims of selfish partners. OMG ladies, if you feel that way, let the poor man go – you won’t have to fulfill your obligations again and he can get something mother nature instilled in him as a primal desire. She instilled it in you too, until you turned it off (no, you won’t get a prize on judgement day for how many times you managed to avoid it). No disrespect to the wonderful Angel here, who actually is in touch with her OWN needs.

Kiri 1 year ago

3 months post pardum here and I want absolutely nothing to do with sex.

JCal 1 year ago

Just wanted to stop and say “extra vaginas to hunker down in”…best comment ever lol That made me LOL

JCal 1 year ago

I was actually scared after my first child. I mean, was it going to hurt again? It was way longer than 6 weeks.

Later, I had married a wonderful man and got pregnant with number three. He WATCHED the baby come out, new fear: Would he ever WANT to go back down there after seeing it like that???? lol (btw, good man, yes, he still likes going there and he also went in for the births of 4 and 5!)

tori 2 years ago

Why the hell do men and women without children feel they need to comment on something they know nothing about. We have children because they are worth it. And most husbands don’t understand no matter how much you communicate. Come back and post on your 6 week visit and tell me how that sex was . Some are lucky and their bodies bounce back. But not everyone is so lucky. This is a mommy site. If you are not a mommy go away.

tori 2 years ago

I feel the same. The thought of sex makes me die a little

Kk 2 years ago

LOL…funny to see it from men’s perspective.
Thanks for the laugh Pop.

Storm Pegler 2 years ago

My youngest is 19 months old.. and I still get all depressed at the hubby's bedroom eyes.

Satina 2 years ago

I absolutely adore your post ,very enlightnening and dramatically similiar to my own situation. I am currently a stay at home mom of three looking forward to working again outside of the home without the lag of a stress driven schedule and cranky children. I am also at combat with my husband about furthering our own colony of troops when I will be the only one to weather the storms, while he skips around in king of the castle land when can’t even eat a descent meal. My va jay jay has been cooked and sold for cattle. There is no more possibilities of anything else coming out of there any time soon thanks to the time capsule called a IUC. Thanks for the post.
Best Regards!

Heidi 2 years ago

I can SO relate to this! I remember, at my 6-week visit after my first child, that my midwife asked if I had any questions. “Um…just one. Where’s my vagina?” She laughed. “No, seriously. Where is it? Cuz I can’t seem to find it.” I had torn during delivery and things were…kinda messy down there. It did, of course, make an appearance again, but I was genuinely stymied as to its whereabouts for a while.

Kate 2 years ago

Oh thank you for this! I remember I txt’d my non-mom friends like, is it the end of the world today, is my doc plotting against me w/my hubs, why would he say something so heinous to me now? Thoughts of ‘my foot is right there, why would he risk me kicking him in the throat?’ ran through my brain. As if I had that* question looming over my head. I actually had a lot of questions for my doc that day, after he told me I could resume sexually activity, it was instant amnesia (had to call the nurse later on for all my real questions). And thank GOD my hubs wasn’t* there for my 5week check up, I def lied & told him, ‘nope not even close to ready says doc’. DVW!!

Becky 2 years ago

I laughed out loud while reading this. Absolutely hysterical and so, so true! Thanks for the laugh.

Becky :)

Pam 2 years ago

This is one of the funniest things I have read in a while. I need to leave now and add you to my Bloglovin feed.

Allene Swienckowski 2 years ago

ChiMomWriter,
Hon, you had a bad ob/gyn….I hope you changed doctors after that experience? Good luck to you in your future sexcapades, but from my experience you are going to have to consult with an expert to return your, I assume, once enjoyable sex life!

Teresa 2 years ago

I haven’t had a baby in 2 years and I think my vagina is still dead.

1stTimeMama 2 years ago

First off, L-O-freaking L at this post title.
I have to say, I was a little happy to know that I could have sex with my husband again. I did want the intimacy, and we weren’t allowed to have sex (of any kind) throughout the entire pregnancy. This changed after the 6 week visit, where my OB felt around and pressed a little on my scar tissue from my 2nd degree tear caused by my beautiful son deciding to come out face up, and the res who delivered thinking it was a good idea to manually stretch me out to help him tear me apart.

The thought of having sex instantly escaped my mind, and the memory of me screaming in the delivery room while my son blasted out of me like a World Series grand slam ran through my mind like a speeding freight train. I felt like someone had demolished my nether region with a wrecking ball after giving birth.

After the first time, which was a few days after the appointment, my husband was lucky if we had sex once a week. Sometimes it was once, MAYBE twice every 2 weeks. My PTSD and now PPD had taken over, and I did NOT want to be touched. It took happy pills (which i was given when my son was 7 months old) to make me feel like my old self, and make me feel good enough to not just bite my poor husband’s head off at every turn.

And no, not everyone’s husband/partner will cheat on them. While mine may have been frustrated at times, maybe most times….he wasn’t a total asshole. But unless you have given birth (vaginally or by c-section) you wouldn’t understand how we moms feel.

Pea Kay 2 years ago

What a riot!

Basketcase 2 years ago

This comment finally made me really laugh.
I wish I had had this to hand when my husband started trying to get things going again after my six week checkup!

Basketcase 2 years ago

Right.
Because talking to your husband and forewarning them that you are NOT going to feel in the mood for several weeks post-partum is going to stop them making attempts and puppydog eyes at you.
Good luck with that.
I gave my husband a rule: Dont even think about asking for sex for the first six weeks. I still got dry humped from about week 2, especially since the late stages of pregnancy had made sex unfeasible. And yeah, that first time after really hurt, even with a couple of drinks in me, and no, I didn’t want to go back and do it again.
And I told him that. And I still got dry humped and groped in attempts to put me in the mood, because I was ALWAYS up for it before I got pregnant. I was one of those women who believed that sex was essential to my life and my relationship. Now? I feel fat, ugly and overwhelmed. I have PPD. I dont want to be touched sexually because I feel repulsed by myself. I have a 3 month old. I hope this will pass and I will get better and be more willing to initiate sex rather than just take it for the sake of my relationship.
Being able to joke about it makes it easier to deal with the mental anguish.
Go away.

Stacy 2 years ago

OMG…I am laughing out loud at my desk. I want to be your friend. First pregnancy, due in December…New Year’s Eve, of course. Read your first article…went directly to buy your book. :-)

Karen 2 years ago

absolutely, sex is such a one way word when it doesn’t have to be. cuddling, touching, massage, are all ways we can express our love to each other and ourselves… lol. what if we r ready and our husband isn’t?? He has just watched us push out a 8 pound living human being out off our vagina. He may be going through some sexual issues himself.

Karen 2 years ago

6 weeks??? I think its been 6 years.

Kristi 2 years ago

Seriously you think she’d wait 6 years? And her husband would believe it? Come on ladies. Everyone dreads the post-partum sex, it just tore wide open, likely has healing stitches and you want go rough-housing down there? If you dont fear it, you’re nuts! Always someone out there waiting to start cussing and callling names… Tracy – enjoy your four more years 😉

Claire 2 years ago

I’m rather disturbed by this fear of the husband hearing the doctor say that sexual activity can be resumed. If if hears that he’s been “cleared for landing” but you’re still not ready for sex, you need to put your foot down and simply say “No. From a medical standpoint no harm would come to me from having sex, but I still feel that I am not ready. I just went through hell, not only during the 9 months of pregnancy but during the 20 hour labor and traumatic birth. As a man you will never understand the atomic burn that accompanies urinating on torn genitals or the fear that a woman feels at the thought of putting something inside of the orifice that recently had a 9 pound infant violently come out of. If 6 weeks ago you had a bowel movement the size of a cantaloupe, how would you feel if today I jumped for joy because I could finally stick a cucumber up your butt?”

You ladies seriously need to stand up for yourselves. If your husbands/boyfriends respect you so little that they get excited by the idea of causing you pain, then you need to get rid of them.

Mistyradar 2 years ago

Hilarious! I could hardly make it through the whole thing, my eyes were so blurred with tears of laughter!

Kristin 2 years ago

That men are the root of all evil must be the truest thing I ever heard anyone say. Imagine all the pain we women have had to endure so that THEY can reproduce themselves. While sitting in front of the telly. Drinking beer. Watching football. NEVER giving birth! Fuckers.

Mandy 2 years ago

I’m child free, not by choice… that long rant above nearly made me throw up…

As to bashing the women who aren’t straight up with their husbands about this, they’re obviously nervous for a reason, because they’ve been raised to believe men are like this, or maybe he really is… not all men are itching to have sex that soon, though many probably are… Just like not all women want to wait six weeks or longer to start again. Key point: everyone is different!

I agree that the core thing here is communication. If he can’t handle that you can’t deal with it right now, well… Don’t know what to say.

I’m more than confident my guy will be understanding if I don’t feel up to it by that point our even beyond. One if the many reasons I love him.

Nancy 2 years ago

My husband didn’t want sex for 6 months post baby. Seeing the vagina stretched out no longer left him with sexual arousal for it… So, if your hubby still wants to have sex with your now looser vagina and with those bloody images ingrained be HAPPY– he might be faking the excitement, too!

Stephanie 3 years ago

This is nuts. :) I had an episiotomy with my first, and only waited 4 weeks. Didnt tear at all with my second, and waited 2 weeks. And I’m pretty sure there was other stuff 😉 😉 that happened before those 4/2 week marks. I dunno, man…I hurt after having a baby, OBVIOUSLY. But not enough to lie to my husband, and def not enough to WANT to wait for months and months!

Melissa M. 3 years ago

Agreed Brook, I haven’t been able to have “sexy time” with my husband for a long time because I have chronic health issues and am very sick, but he understands because he’s been sick too and love, honor & commitment do not stop just because two married people can’t have SEX for a certain amount of time. It’s not like we don’t want to, it’s that our bodies are either hurting or we’re exhausted, etc. and sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, whether you’re a man or a woman!

Rebekah 3 years ago

I haven’t laughed this hard since Bridget Jones’ Diary debuted :)

Colleen 3 years ago

Love it!! Wish I thought of that one!!

Kaereste 3 years ago

You’re aware that many, if not most, women enjoy sex as much or more than men, right? Sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship, and the couples who stop having sex once the children come along are the ones who wind up divorcing.

That said, there is no reason whatsoever that sex has to involve a vagina. I see no reason why a couple can’t be intimate and sexual in other ways long before a six week checkup.

JB 3 years ago

Why are all of you laughing? You make it sound like the emotional and psychological trauma of pregnancy and birth don’t matter. These things should be discussed during your 6 week checkup. Husbands should be told that they have no right to expect sex to resume at some predetermined time set by anyone other than the women herself. Only after you are completely ready in every sense of the word should sex even be an option. Doctors should be on a women’s side to declare and defend that, not encourage men’s stupid “sex is everything” attitude. Anything less than full support of women’s rights borders on malpractice.

AnotherCFLady 3 years ago

I know, seriously. I’m childfree and I support mothers. The above poster is a nasty piece of work who doesn’t represent us all.

ChildfreeLady 3 years ago

Greaaaat. Now all of them will think all childfree people think this way, furthering the bingos, assumptions and smugness when we say we don’t want kids. Good job!!!!!1

Hint – We don’t.

Lissa 3 years ago

Ever heard of COMMUNICATION with your husband? You’re terrible at that. Ladies, men don’t take subtle hints very well. You need to discuss with them frankly, openly and point blank about what is going on with your body, AND WHY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO.

You may have read every single pregnancy book in the world, you may have joined all the mommy forums and discussed the before and after, but don’t assume that he did. Don’t assume that just because you made him read a book or two that he didn’t skim just enough to offer you a few key points from each chapter to make it look like he thoroughly read it.

Jesus christ, it’s like I’m reading comments from a room of 15 year old girls who expect their husbands to just psychically understand. Your husband is not Miss Cleo. Did no one ever tell you how men communicate?

Kae 3 years ago

I sincerely hope my husband would leave me promptly the moment I became crazy enough to suggest that we shouldn’t have sex for 6 years. Frankly, I’d hope he’d have me checked into a hospital if I told him I didn’t want it for 6 DAYS. Something would have to be severely wrong with my health or my mind.

Brook 3 years ago

obviously you can tell how jealous I am or am not by my comment above. and given the context here I think it’s possible I might be forgiven a little exaggeration. but given the fact that I had just had a baby and was exhausted for a long time afterward (as happens) my husband understood that I was less focused on him just then.
whether or not my husband is happy or not does not all come down to his penis. since he is a grown man, he is able to honor his commitment to me even through a “dry spell.”
If a man is unhappy in his relationship, he should leave the relationship. I can’t drive him to break his vow of commitment. He has to decide to do that all on his own. If it’s so bad, get out. Don’t lie, sneak, and cheat.

wtf 3 years ago

What in the actual fuck? Is your husband just a paycheck for you because you obviously don’t actually love him.

What the fuck kind of frigid bitch says “Thank god I don’t have to have sex with the man I married for four more years!” ?

janey 3 years ago

You know, that sounds really pathetic and lame. Sorry but it is. “pity sex?” for your own husband? I bet you’d threaten to rip his balls off if he ever slept with another girl. God forbid the guy is actually happy in life.

no wonder guys cheat. Girls like you drive them to it. seriously.

jane

janey 3 years ago

Nice to know that you’re straight up advocating dishonesty in your relationship. Good going, Brittany. /smh

Kae 3 years ago

I’m horrified! That’s enough to convince me to never have children. I can’t imagine not loving sex and having it at least a couple of times a day. Nothing is worth sacrificing my love life over. I can’t understand how you managed to make the same mistake twice more after you finally got your body back from the first time around.

Disgusted 3 years ago

Wow, this horrid, bitchy, and sad blog post convinced me that I never want to reproduce. And women wonder why their seemingly faithful husbands cheat on them.

Ciara Ballintyne 3 years ago

Evidently I am weird. I did not know there was such a thing as a 6 week post-partum check-up. Or possibly I went to one, but it did not involve taking my underwear off. And I didn’t wait to be told it was OK to have sex, although hubby sure did ask didn’t I want to wait longer!

But before anyone feels put out that my post-partum period was so easy, I should warn it was only just recompenses for the crippling, debilitating 9 months from hell that preceded it. Seriously, I had pregnancy symptoms most people I knew had never heard of.

By Word of Mouth Musings 3 years ago

I am with Nina on that …
I need to send this masterpiece around the blogosphere – genius.
And btw first one, c-section … too miserable for sex.
Second one was handed to me as a cute little bundle in yellow … and still no sex. Since seriously, they still need feeding all night long no matter where they come from.

Jessica Brown 4 years ago

That was, quite simply, amazing. Wow. I laughed and laughed and it is SO true. Well done.

Arianne 4 years ago

Seeing as how I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my 3rd, your post sure hit home!!! Thanks for the laugh (AND the reminder! I may make my 6 week appointment for more like 8 weeks, LOL.)

Life with Kaishon 4 years ago

This was TOO PERFECT for words. I won’t even try.
WOW : )

debi9kids 4 years ago

OMGOSH! Hysterical!

Suniverse 4 years ago

Oh, hell, that was hilarious. Brilliantly written.

Thanks so much for that. I needed a laugh.

“Cookie” 4 years ago

AND this is why my husband was BARRED from the 6 wk exam. Little white lies are okay when it comes to sex after a baby! I milked another wk or so. :)

Kelley 4 years ago

Oh, Erin, this was hilarious! Again! I remember that 6-week check-up both times and how scared I was about having my man near my nether regions again. Ahhh!!! I remember seeing mothers swishing around everywhere and wondering how they ever, ever healed.

I wish I could meet G. Will he be with you when you swing by in the van on the way to BlogHer?

shawn 4 years ago

Girl shut up im crying i cant breathe about to wake the baby laughing

Mark 4 years ago

Thanks Stacey. The longer I’m married the more I wonder why a normal human like my wife would have ever consented to marry a dumb animal like me. But flowers, shiny things and chocolate cake help her tolerate me, so I keep them on high rotation.

Amanda 4 years ago

Dead Vagina Walking!!!! LMAO!!!! Hilarious and excellent post! I had a c-section 6 years ago and can’t even remember when we first had sex after the twins were born, but I don’t remember being scared because my lady bits hadn’t been ripped apart.

Lisette 4 years ago

Brilliant! Sure I wasn’t ready after 6 weeks, more like3 to 4 months I remember…

Angie 4 years ago

This post single handedly reinforces my choice to have another c-section with this baby. With my son I pushed for 4 hours and he was stuck, so I tore AND still ended up with a cesearan. I actually thought the recovery from the c-section was easier. Dead Vagina Walking…priceless.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

Thanks, Nina! They’re the Gold Standard on funny. I’m scared to even dare…

Nina 4 years ago

FANTASTIC post!!!! Nodding and laughing all the way through. I think you could tweak a bit and change title to “An Open Letter to the 6-week post-partum check-up” and make it all letter-esque and submit to McSweeney’s open letter column. Seriously!

Ginger 4 years ago

I shouldn’t have read this at my desk. I was laughing so hard my co-workers think I’m nuts, and since they are all male, I can not share this with them. Probably one of my favorite posts of all time.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

Is that not what a tubal ligation is? Ha.

It’s not pretty. And I’m glad you are so bold.

Megan 4 years ago

I was sitting in grad school tonight, on break, reading this post and laughing so loud and so hard, I’m sure my classmates thought I was having a nervous breakdown. My husband was conveniently out of town at my 6 week visit so my mom went with me where I got the green light. I thought I had another 6 weeks of winter and could make up a story? Bitch told him over the phone that night. You are hilarious!

Nicole (Ninja Mom) 4 years ago

I adore you and your Dead Vagina Walking. This is post-partum gold.

I have some words to describe what that first reclamation of marital rights feels like. For me, if I may be so bold, I was sure the doctor had super glued the paper tube from a toilet paper roll inside my lady chute. I considered suing.

the mama bird diaries 4 years ago

Erin – you are the best! Totally hilarious.

Stacey 4 years ago

LOL Bless you! (Not about the high five part, about the flowers part! 😉

Dani 4 years ago

My citation never came in the mail so I did not go to the doctor until 4 months postpartum with my second. No way did I let my husband know that any human being would deem me ready for sex! (I got out of it with the first because I had PPD. Which meant I wasn’t in the mood to stand up, let alone have sex.)

Stacey 4 years ago

Oh my gosh! I need to make my husband read that. Right now we are in the 5 weeks before delivery, I’m too large and cumbersome to have much fun with, phase. Good times. I do NOT look forward to that postpartum visit. A woman definitely did not plan it, or she would have made it the three month postpartum visit!

grandemocha 4 years ago

I’m in. What can I do to Help you get to Pennsylvania Ave.?

dusty earth mother 4 years ago

Love love LOVE this, Erin! “…when the help and casseroles disappear…” Ha ha ha ha ha!! You’re the best. And we’re all hoping for the follow-up post. Wink.

snarkglop 4 years ago

hilarious, I waited 4 months and still wasnt too happy about it!

teachermommyof2 4 years ago

Hilarious! How about them not really telling you how it will feel when you do it again for the first time and almost a year after that! Not fair that there isn’t full disclosure! I make sure to warn all my first time mommy friends to hit a certain aisle at the drugstore first and the liquor store!

Leigh Ann 4 years ago

Oh, the 6 week checkup. Hubs was so excited he was even telling my parents that they needed to come babysit so he could take me to a hotel to get it on! I’ve had 2 c-sections, and I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t ready to have sex 6 weeks after them.

Ivette Muller 4 years ago

OMG! The hilarious think is I asked my wonderful OB/GYN (and yes, I really do love her) about protection and she said, quote, “Since you’ve had challenges in the past and your age, I don’t recommend going back on the pill. It would be best if you could wait at least 6 months until you get pregnant again, but if it happens sooner we’ll just deal with it.”

Seriously, I don’t remember her telling me I would be extra fertile.

When we showed up 6 months after my first daughter was born, she came in the room with a big smile on her face. Yes, she was “THAT” excited for us.

Katy 4 years ago

Haha, one of the only benefits of having my husband leave for deployment 9 days after our daughter was born!

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

Same boat, Sister. 13 months on my first two. Because my doctor MADE me have sex before I could even remember what protection meant. Ha.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

LIAR.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

I will run on the platform of outlawing post-delivery sex. This may have been just what Hilary needed.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

Aww, congrats on the new one. And maybe they’ll have a prosthetic vagina created in the next three weeks…

Domestic Spaz 4 years ago

I never let my ex-husband come to a 6 weeker. When I returned I told him the doctor said it wasn’t time and I’d have to wait another 6 weeks for the next checkup.

Granted, he did end up cheating and we divorced, but my vagina is in pristine condition due to extra healing time, I’m sure of it. I like The Man much better, anyhow.

Kid Id 4 years ago

Hysterical! And so true and wise! You got another vote for president should you choose to run.

Ivette Muller 4 years ago

And how far apart were her 3 kids? :)

Ally 4 years ago

I laughed my way all the way through this. Then I thought about my old coworker who claimed she was never able to wait the full 6 weeks after any of her THREE pregnancies. I still think she was lying… just sayin’.

Theresa 4 years ago

Ugh, I remember that day, month, year…It was ages before I was interested again. I love the term, ‘resume’, like you can pick up speed again after going through a construction zone. Your vagina didn’t have road work done, it had a person pass through, big diff. Sadly, I had a c-section so I couldn’t use my stretched, over-worked vag as an excuse.

Leighann 4 years ago

I can relate to everything in this post, especially the stages of grief.
I think I’m still experiencing them 11 months later.
Ahem.

Ivette Muller 4 years ago

Oh my gosh this was an excellent post! I remember that visit after my first. Hubby with me – check. Baby with us – check. The smile on his face when we could resume “activity” – check, check.

One other thing to be wary of after that 6 week visit. You’re extra fertile. If you’re not extra careful you’ll have Catholic Twins. Mine are 13 1/2 months apart. You can do the math :)

Rosey 4 years ago

Buahahahahaha!!!! For baby number one I was so ready to reassure hubby sex would not take a backseat that we were sooooo there on the first day of six weeks.

Baby number two and three, we partook fairly quickly too…probably right at the six week mark.

Baby number four…three years ago, I told hubby the Dr. said we had to wait another week or two after I had my postpartum checkup. hahahahhahaha Amazing what a few (um…23 years) of having babies can change. 😉 Do I feel guilty? Oh no. That was the most relaxing, memorable (<–outside of our gorgeous little one) two weeks of my after-pregancy.

Excellent post. I'm still smiling.

lifeintheboomerlane 4 years ago

Dead vaginia walking: Best. Line.Ever.

The robot mommy 4 years ago

My hubby still walks around saying, “Didn’t the doc say we could have sex??”.

“Nope, not yet sweetie.” ( Big grin)

My daughter is 4 months old.

EdgeofCrazy 4 years ago

After my first, my husband didn’t come to the postpartum appointment. But came home for lunch, walked in the door an dropped trou. Luckily, I was in the mood.

My mother didn’t fare as well….my brother is 11 months younger than me. They tied her tubes immediately after my brother was born. He’s 40 now. She’s still recovering.

Leisl 4 years ago

After my first baby, I was a clueless git who took a friend’s advice to have sex BEFORE the six wk checkup. OH MY WORD!!! let’s just say I’ve learnt my lesson for round 2.

Denise D 4 years ago

Maine is a bizzare state? Really? Have you ever been here?

Love the post about the 6 week checkup though. Hate that visit- glad my two 6 week checkups are the only ones I will be having.

MOMmetime 4 years ago

hilarious! “Dead Vagina Walking” ~OMG, so true!!! I was having a tough day…until I read this. I needed a good laugh ~thank you.

Jennheffer 4 years ago

BRILLIANT to the MAX! Loved this entire post and SOOOOO remember those days!!!

Alissa 4 years ago

Such a great post! I think almost every woman can relate.

Thanks for sharing!

Anne 4 years ago

Dead Vagina Walking – so brilliant and hilarious! 6 weeks post 1st one was okay for me, it was 6 weeks post 2nd one that was major DVW. Let’s just say he had to grin and bear it a lot longer than 6 weeks!

Veronica 4 years ago

“Dead Vagina Walking”, now that is hilariously sadly true!
Thankfully my hubby didn’t even bring up sex until I did and that was a long time after that 6wk postpartum check. He wouldn’t have been able to get close if he tried, I was having a love affair with my warm water squeeze bottle!

Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation 4 years ago

Just when I thought Erin couldn’t make me laugh any harder!! Hysterical post! One thing though..when in the hell did you bring your husband to the 6 week appt? Ladies, you are being warned: DO NOT BRING HIM!!!!!

Jessica 4 years ago

Bravo! OMG, I laughed out loud. Glad to know everyone feels this way and it’s just not me! :)

Poppy 4 years ago

This is when sister wives would come in handy. Extra vaginas to hunker down in. You always make me laugh. Loved this.

Kate@SurroundedbyPenises 4 years ago

Perfect!!

Liberty 4 years ago

I may have delayed the appointment 2 weeks after baby #4 – just sayin… it was that or a flying leap with the sweatpants ON….

Bridget B. 4 years ago

Ha! Amen sister – thanks for telling it like it is. Frickin’ hilarious and oh so true…

SoberJulie 4 years ago

Right on Sista!
You totally nailed it for me, I had 2 c sections and although my va gi gi may not have delivered them I felt just as repulsed by sex at 6 weeks.
Exhaustion, lack of eating and yup the elasticized waist pants did it for me.

Amanda 4 years ago

Oh my god, I so feel you. My youngest is almost nine months old and most of the time I still feel like… there is no way I’m suitable for sexual activity. Not until they can take care of themselves. haha.

d, the undomestic housewife 4 years ago

See… this is what should be told to us who are currently childless and dying to have children… I think you made it easier for me to wait another year, haha. :)

julie 4 years ago

This post is genius. If my husband only knew I experienced these five stages of grief after the births of both my children, his Marvin Gaye whistling would be silenced forever.

So sad. So true. Dead Vagina Walking.

Bwahahahahaha!

Alexandra 4 years ago

Yay, the link is working.

Had to come back to say, and to read this genius again, had to tell you words of advice from my female gyno–upon witnessing the horrified look in my eyes whe she yanked my “kitchen’s closed” sign off:

“just grab a bottle of wine, honey, and bite the bullet.”

I did just that.

The Irish Guy 4 years ago

I’m going right home with flowers to apologize to my wife. But before I do, I’m going to ask a good friend to whack me in the testicles with a whiffle ball bat once for each of my three children, ages 5, 4 and 2.

After our first child I high fived the doctor leaving the 6 week check up. That did not go over well.

Brook @ To Be Dancing 4 years ago

I watched one of those call in sex dr. shows once(Dr. Sue?) where the guy called in after his wife didn’t want to have sex and it had been 5 months or so since the baby was born. He wanted to know if there was anything wrong, if he should be worried. The dr. said she would expect 9 months to be more the norm and he should just give her time.
I told that to my husband who replied, “what about 15 months like us?”
:)
not that we NEVER had sex in that time…just that it was mostly “pity sex”

Kim Dee 4 years ago

First of all, obviously hilarious. But don’t get me started on men and their adolescent attitude towards sex. I have a 1 and 3 yo tugging at me all day long, I am physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day. I need to be left alone awhile. Or I need someone to talk – vent – to. Not to gawk at and grope me the minute the kids are in bed sleeping. Sorry, just feeling a little bitter today. But the post did make me laugh. Thank you!

Atosha 4 years ago

I delivered four children naturally in the last 7 years. This is all to real for me. Yes, the 6 week postpartum visit is terrifying. But not nearly as terrifying as the first poop!
I delivered my last child two weeks ago. Im going to have a tubal ligation in May. My husband is terrified to touch me until those tubes are tied, burned and never functioning again. Finially, I think I have won the “lets hurry up and do-it” battle.

gigi 4 years ago

Yep. I’m with Wendi and Tarj. Your best post ever. Crisp and funny and right to the heart of what we all dread.

You nailed it, girl.

Amy of “famed” pregnant chicken 4 years ago

Brilliant. Just Brilliant.

The Flying Chalupa 4 years ago

Ditto what Wendi said. This is why I love you. Sex and exercise should begin at 3 months post-partum. Our poor vaginas.

Seriously – a fabulous post.

Not winning mom of the year 4 years ago

Just crossed my legs, and remembered those evil words myself.

Christi 4 years ago

I was just breast feeding while reading this and laughed so hard at “Dead vagina walking” that my baby yanked away while maintaining suction. Then I was simultaneously laughing at this post and crying about my poor, painful nipple. This post is just perfect! The trauma of the 6 week appointment is still fresh in my mind. I also loved the appointment with the pediatrician when he asked what I was doing for birth control. I think he thought I was joking when I told him I had made a commitment to abstinence.

Elana 4 years ago

AMAZING!!!

Theda 4 years ago

Four words: So glad I’m single.

Christina 4 years ago

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry with this one…or just cry ’cause I’m laughing so hard. Almost makes me want to share my own postpartum check up horror story. Almost.

But ladies, seriously, even if the doc proclaims you ready to have sex at that check up, if you don’t feel ready for it then don’t do it! He can whistle Marvin Gaye till the cows come home but if I’m still not ready, he can forget about getting laid!

Christen 4 years ago

Oh my gosh… I can’t stop laughing at this! Hilarious!

Kim S 4 years ago

Shoot, does this mean that I should be having sex with my husband again?
–Kim, mother of Abby (10) and Ian (12)

joann mannix 4 years ago

Erin, you are slaying me this fabulous post. OMG! This has got to be one of the most brilliant posts of all time and I’m sending this to my sister, right now. Her baby (4th one) is four weeks old. I know, she’s counting down the days with a mixture of dread and nausea. Dead Vagina Walking. The universal hymn of all new mothers. Utter brilliance.

Shan 4 years ago

Wow, this post gave me a good laugh this morning. Thanks!!

tracy 4 years ago

So awesome. I told my husband is was a 6 year wait time after baby. Thank god I still have more then 4 years to go.

Leslie 4 years ago

that may be the funniest thing I have ever read!!! :) My husband on the other hand never wanted to look at the nether regions again. He was as terrified of what happened as I was. :)

Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac 4 years ago

Damn that’s hilarious! LOVED it.

Jessica 4 years ago

Wow, these days a good laugh and not feeling like I am alone in the postpartum universe is all I need to keep going in the day!
Thank you Erin! Forever your follower! <3

Pop 4 years ago

As a dad, don’t forget our 5-stages when we hear the news that we won’t be getting any for 6 weeks:
Denial – 6…weeks??? No…that can’t be right…
Anger – WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS?!?! IS IT TOO LATE TO SCHEDULE A C-SECTION?!?!
Bargaining – ok, come on. How about 3 weeks in? By that point, even entry might be enough for me…
Depression – *SOB* my balls are going to be so big and blue…WAAAAHHHHH!!! I’m going to need to wear a bra to keep those big boys supported.
Acceptance – you know what?! I’m ok with this. Both of my hands are still good and functional.

Justine 4 years ago

LOL. “Dead vagina walking” = awesome. I am almost 8 months pregnant now so the 6-wk postpartum checkup is in my near future. I remember the same feeling of WTF when they said I was good to go with my first…Yeah, that just shows how much they know.

Great piece!

Breann 4 years ago

I didn’t experience this at 6 weeks.. I experienced this at 4 since I had a c-section. My husband is a huge fan of “surprise sex.” In which he walks up to you and says “Surprise! We’re having sex!”
Yea because folding baby clothes was getting me hot and bothered.

Brittany {Mommy Words} 4 years ago

Perfection. Note to new mothers: do not bring your husband to the six week checkup. He does not need to know you have the go ahead. You have the right to make something up. You are welcome.

This was so hilarious. I made the mistake of writing a post on this the day of my six week visit. Not smart. I couldn’t really see the humor in my dead vagina walking at that point.

Fabulous!

Susan M 4 years ago

I think I peed in my pants a little. And not just cause I’ve had three kids and I pee when I sneeze, cause it was hilarious! Loved it!

Adryon 4 years ago

Fabulous post! I refused to have sex at 6 weeks. And when I did give in, I regretted it. Those doctors don’t know shit.

StephanieinSuburbia 4 years ago

Okay, hilarious, as always! Also? Thought I was the only one making off w/ the hospital maxi pads. I figured after the $3500 c-section bill they stuck me with, it was my revenge.

Devan @ Accustomed Chaos 4 years ago

totally loving this post!!

Tonya 4 years ago

HILARIOUS!!!! And oh God so so true. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking back to that appointment. I wanted my doc to give me a script saying no sex for the first year; I even offered him my first born. No dice. Bastard. Male conspiracy!

Ann’s Rants 4 years ago

Erin, you are unbelievable. That’s the sound of Erin’s vagina on the chain gang, and I LOVE IT.

The Animated Woman 4 years ago

Yeah, the whistling of Marvin Gaye works on me every time. But then again, I am a cartoon.

Great post, glad I stopped by =]

MommaKiss 4 years ago

Wanna know my secret? I didn’t let my husband come to the follow up check ups. No Way. I was able to make it a good 9 weeks with the first one. keep ’em clueless, I say. Because I like that “gone fishin'” sign. Except mine says “gone to target”

Lady Estrogen 4 years ago

FUNKY STUFF INDEED! LOL.
When does that stop by the way? It’s been 2 years. HAHA.
Loved it, Erin :)

Tanya 4 years ago

Do you think anyone at work would be offended if I put a “Dead Vagina Walking” sign??? That’s the funniest thing EVER!!!

Jen 4 years ago

this post was fantastic!

And I always got 8 weeks because I had sections. Surgery takes longer to heal (or at least that is what I told my husband).

Eve @BeautifulSpitUp 4 years ago

This is amazingly hilarious!!! WOW, seriously I couldn’t stop laughing! “Dead vigina walking!!” LOL

Wendi 4 years ago

This might be my favorite Erin post of all.

Lynn from For Love or Funny 4 years ago

LOL! Loved this! Erin always makes laugh.

liz 4 years ago

Dead Vagina Walking. That is sheer brilliance, Erin!

I’m So Fancy 4 years ago

Okay, no baby ever wanted to live in my uterus or slide down my vagina. But fertility treatments don’t exactly leave you “in the mood either” so I hear you. You killed me with Dead Vagina Walking. One more reason why outsourcing the birth of your children is the higher road…LOL

Jane 4 years ago

Before we leave the maternity hospital in the UK we are given a little paper bag which contains 4 condoms!! Bearing in mind we usually only stay in the hospital for 24/48 hours. WTF do they think we are going to do the day we leave?

Alexandra 4 years ago

Oh…Erin. When you think she can’t get any funnier…she pulls this one out of her sleeve.

I always feel so guilty reading her posts, b/c they’re free.

I should pay to read her.

She is so good.

Thanks for hosting, ScaryMommy!!

People…you’re crazy if you don’t follow Erin.

Seriously. Crazy.

Kmama 4 years ago

“Dead Vagina Walking” had me dying. So hilarious.

ChiMomWriter 4 years ago

I think I had to be dragged out of my OB’s office with my nails scratching into the floor – “What do you mean? I’m still broken! That’s it?” After my 2nd, it was even worse as stitching had come out and they said “Oh, that happens when we use that thread. Don’t worry about it.” It’s cool – just searing pain around my vagina.

It’s when I realized men truly are the root of all evil.

Thank for this – a great for the start of the day!

DomesticatedGal 4 years ago

Yeah, I’ll confess….we jumped the 6 week gun. Or tried to. Fortunately, the Little Man had some infant-sonar and knew Exactly when to start crying unconsolably. Each and Every time.

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) 4 years ago

Hahaha…great post! It was so long ago for me that there’s no way I can remember the details but I’m quite sure that there was some police tape with a gigantic DO NOT ENTER written around my nether regions for quite some time.

Of course, I was pregnant within six months so apparently, NOT QUITE LONG ENOUGH.

I didn’t think it was ossicle to get pregnant that fast without trying. In a word.

EMBARRASSING!!! Oh well…great post…and funny too!!

Vinobaby 4 years ago

Fabulous and oh so true.

I was grateful my OB had me wait 10 weeks after that creep show called birth. He took one look at that double episiotomy, slowly shook his head and granted me a slight reprieve…not long enough though.

Thanks for a hearty laugh this morning.

From Belgium 4 years ago

‘Dead vagina walking’ I am rolling around on the office laughing my head and I don’t care if the coworkers think I am crazy.
Do you now how I got rid of beggin bedroom eyes? I asked him: ‘do you think you will be able to stop picturing the baby comming out’. His face turned the same ashen gray as it was in the delivery room, at once!

Angel 4 years ago

Ok with my first one I was single so it wasn’t even a concern. With my second umm yeah.. well let’s just say I was ready before 6 weeks. And the same with the 3rd. Of course let me also add that I have an amazing husband who quite possibly loved the children more then I. It was nothing for him to draw me a hot bath or shower while walking a colicky newborn. His absolute devotion and help with the baby made him sexier then ever in my eyes. Even when he was changing one diaper and lil man proceeded to poop in the wet wipe being used to clean him up.

OHN 4 years ago

I thought my blog reader list was complete. As of right now, this blogger will be added. If she were to run for President….every woman would vote for her.

Krista 4 years ago

oh, yes. sex 6 weeks after a baby is scary on so many levels. i was convinced my lady bits would never be the same after i delivered my first. and at 6 weeks wanted nothing to do with sex.

Super funny post. I laughed out loud while feeding my 3 week old second child. in 3 more weeks it might not be quite so funny….

Kristine 4 years ago

I can’t relate because I had an emergency section but it sounds ghastly..

Happy Random Tuesday!

Skinny Mom’s Kitchen 4 years ago

OMG!!!!!!! I was sooooo there with you!!! I don’t even remember when we started having sex after I gave birth but I am positive it was way longer than 6 weeks.

HILARIOUS!

Alison 4 years ago

Dead Vagina Walking!! OMG! I can totally relate, great post!