How to be a Good Wife

489 Comments

Want to Know How to be a Good Wife?

With three young kids, jobs, a new house and just general life, my marriage could use some TLC. Sure, my husband knows that I love him. But, do I love him well? Turns out, I have some things to learn.

Imagine how excited I was when I stumbled upon an inspirational site. There is a challenge called “Loving Him Well” that just started this week. By participating in this two month commitment, I’ll make my man happier and more fulfilled. Through that, I will become more fulfilled myself. For, a happy husband makes a happy wife. That’s what it’s all about!

This enlightening video lays out the plan:

Are you excited? I’m super excited! Here are the weeks that I’m especially looking forward to:

Ask your husband every morning how you can pray for him that day.

Bonus: Fast and pray for him one day this week. (I especially love the idea of combining the fasting and the praying. Two of my most favorite things!)

Make a list of 5 things you currently do and ask him to prioritize them for you of what is important to him.

For example – a clean home, home cooked dinner, coupon clipping, service at church, having friends over for dinner, watching/doing sports with him, etc. (Not sure about you, but Jeff gets really excited when I clip coupons! That’s going to top the list for sure!!)

Make him a priority.

Ask him what his favorite dinner, dessert and drink are. Be sure to serve him all three one night this week. Bonus: cook his favorite dishes all week long! (Homemade pizza, Chinese food and burgers, here we come!!)

Support his vision.

Discuss his vision for your family. Where does he see your family in 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years. Share with us how you let your husband lead. (We’ll follow wherever he may lead.)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

No complaining, criticizing, rolling your eyes, nagging, or giving him any friction this week. Enjoy a week of peace in your home! (No friction at home- yay! Except, maybe in between the sheets, if you know what I mean! Wink, wink!)

Fun, right?! I can’t wait!

It’s really amazing to have found a site that is so in line with my personal values as a mother, a wife and a woman. The most exciting part? That there are 127 other women whom I can find so much in common with. Gee whiz, it’s almost too much for me to bear!

So, are you with me, dear readers? Can we all commit the next two months to becoming the women our husbands really want? Women that serve them, worship them and put them first? I know that I can’t wait to jump right in!

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 11

    alexis says

    i canNOT wait! i should probably get myself to my bedroom now for a lil pants-off, hands-on action. because i don’t know about you, but my husband’s vision for our family mostly involves skyrockets in flight.

    ugh. that video made me puke in my mouth and i could only get halfway through. i had to go back and watch the second half after a five minute break. i love how she says, “some husbands are drunkards or drug users…those kinds of husbands are going to take a different kind of wife.” ummm, pull your head out of your ass, lady!

    Show Replies
    • 12

      rumala says

      Alexis, I don’t understand why you are upset. This is excellent video based on scriptural understanding of how wife should be. I think Alexis, you are not wise in blaspheming. Instead you could learn a lot from it, in my opinion.

      Show Replies
  2. 13

    Kisha Floren says

    If I asked my husband how I could best serve him I don’t know what would come first, a crack about oral sex or him questioning my sanity. Um, yeah. My husband prefers being married to an equal, not a servant. Otherwise he would have married someone with a whole lot less attitude! (love your snark, BTdubs)

    Show Replies
  3. 17

    Texan Mama says

    I’m assuming this is all sarcasm?

    I know you probably don’t agree with it, but there is a lot to be said about a person who humbles themselves to put another person’s needs before their own. And, this challenge doesn’t say, “become a self-sacrificing martyr! Never accept any kindness shown to you!!!” I can say, from personal experience, when we put other people’s needs/desires ahead of our own, often times they will reciprocate. Our kindness inspires them to return it back to us. And even if they don’t return it back to us, we still have done a good thing – and not just for anyone, we’re doing it for the person we are married to. For the person for whom we claim to have utmost respect, love, and honor.

    I am not saying this challenge is for everyone. But, seriously, it’s not nonsense either. And it’s not about women becoming doormats for our husbands. I think it probably has to do with us being a reflection of Christ and how he humbled himself for us. Again, this challenge isn’t for everyone, but for people who are Christians then this would be a way to strengthen their faith lives.

    But hey, it’s your blog and if you think it’s a bunch of hooey, then props to you for saying so!

    Show Replies
    • 18

      Scary Mommy says

      “I can say, from personal experience, when we put other people’s needs/desires ahead of our own, often times they will reciprocate.”

      Yes, that is absolutely true, and there is something to be said for treating your spouse with respect and love. For sure! If this was a “how to make your marriage better” workshop geared at both partners, it wouldn’t have bugged me at all. It was the notion that it’s all on the wife to serve and worship the husband. And, either way, the fasting thing is way too much for me. I love Jeff to death, but c’mon.

      Show Replies
      • 19

        Kathleen@so much to say, so little time says

        I have problems with these kinds of things, too, because of exactly the kind of unequal burden you point out.

        However, that being said, I think that we as women have a bad habit of bad behavior (eye rolling, nagging, etc.) that men don’t have. And it’s a sad but true fact of life that if relationships need improving, somebody has to start the change. Dumb, trivial example: in the perennial struggle between men and women–i.e., toilet seat up or down?–my husband made the first move. He started putting not only the seat down, but also the lid. And he did this for probably three months without comment before I caught on and reciprocated.

        So, although I don’t care for the terms in which this effort is couched, and I won’t be joining it, I *do* *absolutely* think that all women, you me and everybody, can benefit from some heads-out-of-our-own-butts-worrying-about-me-me-me-me-me, good-old-fashioned unselfishness.

        As for fasting, I think fasting is a benefit to the person who does it, not so much @ the person you’re fasting “for.” And as a lifelong Catholic, I know fasting. :)

        Show Replies
      • 20

        LinLori says

        Ohhhh, you hit it *right* on the head. If this was something geared toward *both* partners to work on improving their relationship – as. a. *unit.* – then I would be all over it. As it stands, I already take my husbands input into the running of the household into serious consideration… and then promptly throw it out the window. Cause when it comes to his uniform being ironed or the kids having breakfast? I’m gonna go with breakfast. Cause that’s *his* uniform he should’ve ironed. Not mine. Just saying.

        How about he makes a list of the very few things I ask of him to do around the house, and *I* prioritize it for *him*?

        But uh… where’s the part where he fasts and prays for *me*? Why do I have to do all the work in this whole being what the other person needs? Shouldn’t there be reciprocity and mutual respect from the get-go? Shouldn’t that have been the foundation of the whole relationship leading to the desire to get married?

        Show Replies
        • 21

          Kat @ For the Love of Chaos says

          As a woman and a wife, it makes perfect sense for her to appeal to her readership which is I’m assuming 99% female. Why speak to an audience that isn’t listening? The fact of the matter is, as a WIFE, you can only control what YOU do and quite often if you are doing these things, you begin to sort of lead by example which means it’s likely he will begin to do the same. You can encourage someone to reciprocate an action SIMPLY by performing it.

          Show Replies
    • 24

      angryworkingmom says

      Don’t use “Christ” in this one.. I’m a Christian too and last time I checked I’m not a better Christian because I make my husband his favorite dinner and serve it to him 3 nights this week.

      If this were so, Jesus would want our husbands to treat us the same way..
      I have the biggest issue with this being geared towards woman making their husbands better and happier and rainbows and sunshine.. What ever. I would have much preferred stepping out of BC time frames and references and just said hey respect each other, take time to love each other. But no, we get into “all woman are made to be helpers of the husbands”, blah, blah. My husband would fall over and die if I were that way. He is glad to have my help but as a partner. Come on, this is ridiculous… Proverbs 31 also has women spinning their on cloth..maybe we should go home and all do that too..

      Show Replies
      • 25

        Kelly B(elly) says

        Ok, well, Ephesians 5 talks all about it, especially the part where it says “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.” Sounds to me like that’s exactly what is being asked of husbands, that they also “serve” us. It’s not supposed to be a master-servant relationship. It’s supposed to be reciprocal. And Prob 31 isn’t about a wife being a servant/doormat, it’s about her being self sufficient, and resourceful, and contributing to her household. You know, in an equal sort of way. Yes, the husband is to be the “leader” (because a dog with 2 heads would have a hard time deciding which way to go) but the “helper,” or “lifesaver, sustainer” as is the better translation, is right there along side him. My husband couldn’t get dressed if it wasn’t for me. Maybe your husbands don’t need you, but in my relationship, we need, and support, each other. And frankly, I’m glad not to have to bear the burden of having everything on my shoulders.

        Show Replies
      • 27

        Royalbird says

        Um, Jesus does want our husbands to treat us the same way. How we treat each other in life isn’t reliant only on how others treat us. No matter how someone else treats you, you are expected to treat them right. Doing service for your husband and caring for him is not being a doormat. And actually, I doubt your husband would fall over and die. He might be shocked, but he would probably be pleased. Come on, anybody would be pleased if they were served in this way. It would only make you want to do more for them if they did this for you, right? I can’t believe the stupidity on this forum!

        Show Replies
      • 29

        DebbieJ says

        Had to comment on this, even though I stumbled across this several months after it was originally written. Seeing how many women get defensive and begin spouting feminist nonsense at the mention of being a better wife and meeting our husbands needs pretty much gets my back up. Ever thought about giving it a shot before immediatley saying,(PARAPHRASED) “Well I’m not doing this on my own, He’s gotta be doing his part to make ME HAPPY.” Because, that’s just where those type of comments come from: SELFISHNESS. I can say that because that is just the kind of wife I was, and still struggle with not being now. For anyone that would like to debate it , try for one week (without saying anything to him about it) meeting his needs unselfishly. It’s just a week! Make his dinner, ask him about his day, don’t nag, complain or whine about how hard your day was, get the kids in bed , and yes do what you know he would love(lingerie, candles “etc”..). Again don’t be dumb and say” Do you want me to meet all your needs, and serve you all the time, Does that make you happy? Any guy who know what’s good for him will say “no, i don’t want that. you don’t have to do that. ”
        If you truly do this for him in a kind gentle manner, the results WILL knock your socks off. I’m sure there are exceptions, but if you did marry a decent guy, he won’t only notice, amazingly enough, it WILL BECOME TWO SIDED. That’s the beauty of it. It may start out with us meeting their needs, but suddenly we have husbands going out of their way to dote and take care of their wives as never before. The love and respect that comes back to us when we are kind, respectful, caring, and loving is 10, 20. 100 fold what we started out giving. Our culture, TV, & feminist movement have robbed us of being truly happy and fulfilled by telling us that men are dumb, unnecessary baffoons. It’s not belittling to take care of our men, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Want to affairproof your marriage? Make him love coming home to us!! Remember it’s only “sacrificial” at 1st because you get it all back and then some!!! They are bombarded by sexual images from every direction and if the person whom they married gripes, whines , and witholds sex , why is it surprising they go elsewhere? Then, these same women go to a marriage couselor, their mom, and all their friends, and cry about how he’s such an awful person because he didn’t hold up his end of the marriage, when they also weren’t holding up their end. (I know this isn’t the only scenario for affairs, and that there are bad guys and girls out there, but if everyone is honest this is the most common scenario). I know there are many women who will throw their heads back and howl over this. WE as women have suffered for having these values crushed underfoot by the feminist movement. I am a working mom. My husband helps me at home, in fact when I’m living this out, he is bending over backwards to ease my burden. when we as women treat our men this way, it is a win-win situation.
        PS Also, refuse to get drawn into huband-bashing conversations. If everyone else starts up, just say “I have an amazing guy that keeps me satisfied and happy.” When they pick up their jaws, they may want marriage advice.

        Show Replies
        • 31

          Alla says

          you are amazing Debbie. As i started looking into this (Im getting married soon) i have seen alot of different perspectives. Ive read about women eating their mens scraps and never talking unless they are spoken to and ive also read blogs where women say they dont have to do anything for their husbands cause their husbands have hands too… but what you said right there is just perfect. that is exactly how a relationship should be like. when i surprise my boyfriend with going out of my way to do something, he becomes so happy, which makes me sooo happy and then he surprises me with something even bigger. which motivates me to do more, which in turn motivates him to do more also.

          Show Replies
      • 32

        rumala says

        Angryworkingmom, if you are christian, please see the following helpful article –
        http://www.believers.org/believe/bel201.htm
        Understand who knows you (woman/wife/mother) better than your creator, uhh?? Got it? The Lord’s authority over all of us is final. We didn’t create the Lord, did we? But instead the Good Lord has created us, didn’t He? And he has told us all, men and women, husbands and wives how to live our lives, the way He wants us to live.

        Show Replies
      • 33

        Robin says

        If one is a Christian, one believes Scripture. Paul does tell women to submit to men but he also tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

        Christ loved the church to shameful, ugly death on a cross. He withstood temptation from Satan himself for the church.

        So it sounds to me that Jesus did intend our husbands to treat us the same way, or with even more sacrifice.

        “BC time frames?” Time doesn’t change the value of respect and honor. Both of these are possible if a wife can humbly submit to her husband, second only to God. Respect and honor are also possible when a husband loves his wife as sacrificially as Jesus loves us.

        The poster of these videos is speaking to women wishing to be godly wives. If you have a healthy, fulfilled marriage without these tenets, then that is fantastic. But for women who don’t, then maybe… just maybe they can try marriage according to Scripture.

        Show Replies
  4. 35

    Texan Mama says

    AFter reading over my comment I just had to add one more thing: there are many times my husband humbles himself to me and serves me. This challenge could be for husbands as well as wives. It’s not like women are supposed to serve men, or anything like that. We’re all supposed to serve one another, no matter what our gender is. I think the main idea here is probably teaching ourselves to be less concerned about our own needs and think a little more about what our spouse needs.

    But that’s just my opinion/guess.

    Show Replies
    • 36

      mother in israel says

      “This challenge could be for husbands as well as wives.”
      Could be, but it’s not. I suspect the equivalent video for men will have a very different message.

      Show Replies
        • 39

          angryworkingmom says

          HAHA! me too! I have a feeling (or at least in my case) there would be lots and lots of sexual favors listed..he wouldn’t give a damn about his favorite dinner or me rolling or not rolling my eyes ;)

          Show Replies
      • 40

        Kelly B(elly) says

        “It’s not” a challenge for husbands (on that blog) probably because the blog (which I have not checked out, only opened the link) is entitled “Women Living Well”. So my guess is there are very few male readers among its target audience. Just a guess. Not to say theres’s not a blog out there, by a man, that doesn’t have some similar sort of message. Love and respect are sort of the basics of Christian marriage (there’s a scripture about exactly that). It’s not a “one serving the other” relationship, it’s a “serve eachother” deal. It’s not about inequality at all. If you’re not a Christian, then the blog in question probably isn’t reading material for you. Even if you don’t subscribe to the whole Christian thing, I think Kathleen said it best when she said, “you me and everybody, can benefit from some heads-out-of-our-own-butts-worrying-about-me-me-me-me-me, good-old-fashioned unselfishness.”

        Show Replies
        • 41

          Suzanne says

          If you can find a genuine, popular site run by a guy encouraging husbands to do the same thing where more than 100 guys have signed up, I will eat my shoe. BOTH shoes.

          All the man-focused sites and books and material I’ve ever seen are aimed at how to LEAD your family in a more Godly manner. This serving stuff isn’t on the agenda.

          Show Replies
          • 42

            angryworkingmom says

            I think all of the folks that are recited the entire Bible to say that they are right should realize 2 things:

            Suzanne you are absolutely right that there is no such site, and that if were about husbands and wives respected each other as so many have said that no one would be repulsed.

            Second- The words used..serve, obey, submit..those are ridiculous when talking about a husband and wife.

            Their are plenty of Christian women who find this is absolutely appalling! Count me as one!

            Show Replies
          • 43

            Paul says

            As a “MAN” i would not want my wife to obey everything I said! How is that a partnership, for this reason we took the word “obey” out of our wedding vows.

            Our marriage of 12 yrs now is built on a partnership and part of this partnership is that “I” do the dishes, laundry, empty trash cans, misc cleaning -picking up and I put the 3 boys to bed every night. We dated for 5 yrs and we had this hashed out before we said “I DO”! We both knew each others strengths and weaknesses and we do not try to turn each other into something we are not. We both ask each to compromise and do what is best for the “Family”

            And for anyone keeping track – we are Christian, I work full-time in manufacturing-and my wife is a full time mom (not housewife) and blogger.

            Enjoy the blog – i hop on every few days to read-never commented before.

            Show Replies
          • 44

            Nikki says

            I see what you mean by those words being “appalling”. But, honestly in the Bibles it says that is what a woman should do, and the other side of that is that a husband should LOVE AND RESPECT his wife. If a husband respected his wife and loved her, it would be no problem for her to “obey” him, as he would not order her around and he would not be selfish. He would be a wonderful husband and make her feel wonderful every day. If both sides are not met, it would be a terrible rule to follow. If my husband ordered me around like a dog, I would not even think of “serving” him./ However, when my husband comes home and gives me and the kids hugs and kisses and says he loves us, and asks if my day went well I am happy to make him a wonderful dinner and give him a back rub. You have to remeber, when these things were wrote in the Bibles, woman really were mothers and wives, and that was it. There were no woman hunting or bringing home a living. So their job was to raise the kids and serve the husband. I completely understand that it sounds aweful nowadays, but honestly, having a child is serving your husband. It does not mean you should bow down and kiss his feet when he walks through the door. He should respect and love, and you should take care of his needs as a man. It only works if the husband and wife work as a team.

            Show Replies
        • 47

          alexis says

          i “subscribe to the whole christian thing,” and i found this video to be just a little repulsive. just sayin’, i don’t think the problems the commenters are seeing in this video have anything to do with Christianity.

          Show Replies
        • 49

          Maureen says

          While I do agree that unselfishness is the basis of a life well lived, I’m not sure that I see these challenges as ‘unselfishness’. They seem to be presented as something a person should do in order to reap a reward (either from their spouse or from their God).

          Instead of “Post wonderful things about your husband, then show it to him, in order to have a good marriage”, I, personally, would see an unselfishness in “Post wonderful things about your husband, then show it to him, because it will bring him joy and, bringing him joy will make you feel good, because you love him”

          For me, that would be more of a exercise in living unselfishly.

          Show Replies
      • 50

        rumala says

        Hello mother in israel, actually if you read this article – http://www.believers.org/believe/bel201.htm it’s very clear as to what are the duties of wife. Yes, both husbands and wives should care for each other and serve each other. But are women doing their part of the deal? When women don’t cook lunch/dinner and expect husbands to take them out to expensive restaurants, what can they expect? Today’s wives are told to be “take, take, take” from the husband. But how about giving little? Is it not that to get something, one should give something first?

        Show Replies
          • 52

            Nikki says

            Do you mean sex? sex should not be a reward for your husband because you go to a fancy resteraunt. It should be equally enjoyable for both of you. Husbands need to love and respect and server, and so do wives. that is what people do when they LOVE each other.

            Show Replies
  5. 53

    dig this chick says

    Hmm my husband needs a woman who rocks out her autonomous, nurturing, courageous, strong, creative self. I am glad barbie acknowledges that what her husband needs *might* be different than what my husband needs. I think that’s the only thing she said that I agree with.

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>