18 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids to Stay Sane

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lies-mothers-tell

Last Sunday, as we drove home after an exhausting tournament, in a heavy downpour, my kids suggested we continue the nonstop excitement by going to see a movie. Frankly, my eyes were closing just thinking about my cozy bed and if I wasn’t the one driving, I think I would’ve passed out cold.

Me: “Wow guys, that’s a great idea! Oh, wait, I forgot, they don’t show movies after 8PM on Sundays. Darnit. Maybe tomorrow.”

Yes, I’m always quick to throw out a creative, well placed lie. Ry, my 9yo daughter, quickly to accessed the statement, and confident in its validity, went back to whatever she was playing my iPhone. My son J, who’s 12, went back to his phone too. After a short pause, he said, “Mom, what are you talking about? They have an 8:25.”

Damn you interwebs from ruining the only sanity saver I had left!

Here’s the thing, Moms lie. We do — and frankly a fast thinking fib can be the difference between a good night’s sleep and being sent to padded room. You see, mothers are a brilliantly dishonest bunch. And deception is one of the strongest tools in our arsenal (well, until your children figure out how to look things up on Google, that is).

Of course, we fabricate things in different ways. There are the universal terms and phrases, and there are the incredibly creative lies that we tell to prevent a meltdown, an argument or simply to give us a moment of peace and a brief reprieve.

Here are some of the best lies moms tell their kids to save sanity, furniture, face, time, and money…  (Thanks to my genius Facebook fans for their help!) Feel free to steal any and all you may need.

1. They don’t give you ketchup at drive-thrus.

2. The lunch lady calls me when you don’t eat your sandwich.

3. The cat is allergic to Moon Sand, so we can’t have any in the house — for her safety.

Related post: 10 Reasons Not To Play With Your Kids

4. You didn’t get money from the Tooth Fairy last night? That’s because she doesn’t work the 3rd Tuesday of the month. I should have told you. I’m sure she’ll come tonight.

5. They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.

6. Harry Styles hates girls who don’t listen to their parents. Now, go brush your teeth and don’t forget to floss.

7. There are no cartoons on at night because that’s when the characters sleep.

8. The ice cream man only plays that song when they’re out of ice cream.

9. It’s such a shame; the movies, arcade, and bowling alley are all closed after 6PM on weeknights.

10. The restaurant I’m going to with Daddy doesn’t allow kids or we would totally take you … I think the waiters say inappropriate things.

11. No, this isn’t a brownie. It’s a breakfast bar and it has lots of protein and fiber and even spinach in it. Do you want one?

12. Animals want to be eaten, it give them such joy to be chosen as your food. Here’s some chicken … go ahead make it happy.

Related post: 33 Reasons Moms Are Late

13. Unicorns are real, but you only see one when you’re being really good. What, you haven’t seen any? Well, you have to be even better.

14. Babies come from the internet and that baby sister you wanted is on back-order.

15. Chuck E. Cheese’s is only for birthday parties; you have to be invited to one to go there.

16. What do the signs say? Um, no running, no touching, no talking. (I’m so screwed when he learns to read!)

17. The stuffed animals will be lonely for their friends if we take them out of the store.

And of course the most universal (and ironic) Mom Lie…

18. I’m your mother, I would never lie to you!

Comments

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  1. 1

    BlondieRox says

    When my daughter was younger it was “No we can’t go to Chucky Cheese today they have a Rat problem”. She then started to ask “Mom does Chucky Cheese have a rat problem today?” lol Poor kid

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  2. 4

    cheesehead4ever says

    Too funny! The only one that might not be a lie is #3. I’ve ready about pets being poisoned after eating Moon Sand. Don’t know if those stories are true, but I wouldn’t take the chance. The only reason I found these stories is because the first time Moon Sand came in the house some ended up on the floor and I helped clean it up. Within half an hour my hands and bare feet swelled up to twice their normal size and were itching like crazy. Moon sand was banned from our house forever.

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  3. 6

    Buffster says

    The only one I do all the time is when I’m hiding in a corner/bathroom/bedroom/any room my child isn’t in and eat a piece of chocolate or whatever (when she inevitably appears) is to say I’m eating nothing. Let me eat my chocolate in peace!

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  4. 8

    wifforlif says

    I’ve always told mine that McDonald’s cooks the syrup right into the pancake so we don’t need to use any more! Keeps the car free from syrup packet explosions!

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  5. 10

    mommycakes says

    here’s my worst…which my daughters find hilarious….My 4 year old daughter could ride a two-wheeler the first time she climbed on at age 2 and rode like the wind. At the same time, her 7-year old (very tall for her age) sister was struggling to manage training wheels. When the caregiver lined the little munchkins up to head to school my little one was tearing off at the front of the line and the older one was miles behind. Not exactly and ideal safe group ride to and from school. So we told them that the law in our city was “no training wheels once you turned 7 and they had to stay on until you were 5″. We just wanted everyone to get to school more or less at the same time, safely, in a controlled manner. The 7-year old chose to run along with the cyclists who all had to slow down as the speed demon 4 year-old had been hobbled. Guess who is now a nationally ranked runner? Who incidentally still struggles to ride a bike…lol.

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  6. 12

    Shelley OConnor says

    When my oldest daughter (now 20) started noticing the ice cream truck when she was about 2, I told her it was the vegetable man. “Oh look! there’s the vegetable man. I’ll bet he has some carrots! would you like to get some?” She would make a face and say “No thank you!!” She believed it until she was about five (and her younger brother 3 years younger) muahahaha.

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  7. 15

    Ash says

    I’m sure I have more frequent one, but during the Holiday Season the darn Elf on the Shelf turns me into a pathological liar. “Sure he moved honey….see, his hand is in a completely different position;” ” I think he took a lap and went back to the same spot…he must really like it;” When is he coming? I think he really wants us to decorate the tree – so he refused to come until its all made up”

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  8. 16

    Claudia Anderson says

    For years I would tell my boys while we were shopping that I couldn’t afford something, but that they were perfectly free to put it on their Santa Claus list. Now, if they asked for it more than once it did indeed go on “Santa’s” list One of them told his Grandma that he believed in Santa long after his friends didn’t because Santa brought stuff he knew his parents couldn’t afford!

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  9. 18

    Allie Smith says

    I love your list! I have told many of those lies. lately I’ve had to tell my kids that if they don’t wear a coat to school (for some reason, this bitterly cold winter, there’s been a coat rebellion) that the school will report me to the police for child abuse.

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  10. 20

    Simon says

    Great advice, convinced Moms/parents that dishonesty should be the hallmark of their parenting style. I have a technique for the kind of dilemmas you mentioned too: telling my child the truth. You may think that you are being clever; I think you are not giving children enough credit. Eventually all your silly lies made up to prevent such utter catastrophes (oh no, my child wants do something, quick I better get him glued back to his smart-phone!) will lead to problems. But please, keep writing poorly-written, inane articles that convince parents their unhealthy habits are OK, because you are an expert and you said so. And “I would never lie to you!”

    http://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/zero-to-eight-2013.pdf

    Great work.

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    • 21

      Justin says

      I agree Simon. This article promotes telling lies to your children, even though these are just small white lies, but parents are perplexed as to why their children begin to lie to them. I’m all for telling 100% truth. Oh, it’s late on a weeknight and you want to go to the movies well I don’t really feel like it tonight. However, if you act really good we will see if we can go this weekend. You want some ketchup for your fries? Well you’re likely to make a mess in the car so you’ll just have to do without or I’m too lazy to pull over and open the packs for you. No the tooth fairy didn’t bring you anything last night because she doesn’t exist. You really shouldn’t go around thinking that mystical figures exist, oh and by the way Santa didn’t bring you those gifts either Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa bought them for you. Let’s start telling the truth and our lives will begin to get easier and our children will begin to be better.

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    • 23

      Mary says

      Well, I bet you’re lots of fun at parties.
      Poor kids who grow up with no Santa, no Easter bunny…. no hope, no wonder.

      Tell me, do you read them the Narnia books? Or are you so terrified of fiction you wouldn’t dare lead them astray like that?

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  11. 24

    Mommyalex says

    I tell My daughter weve been in the park for 3 WHOLE hours with wide eyes like I lost track of time when it’s only been 45 minutes needless to say I don’t like the park much

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  12. 25

    Kat says

    I know that this list is meant to be tongue-in-cheek and not taken seriously but, frankly, I rarely told my kids white lies. If I didn’t want to go to the movies, buy them a stuffed animal or if I wanted to go to a restaurant without them, I just said so. They needed to learn that they can’t always have what they want and needed to learn how to deal with it. That being said, we did have fun with the tooth fairy, Santa, the Easter rabbit, etc. After all, childhood should have some magic, right?

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  13. 27

    Ashley says

    Aw I’m sad I’m late for this one. My big whopper is that Netflix is broken, because honestly, if I have to hear Bob the Builder’s machines cry about one more thing I might just lose it. Netflix is broken all the time around here. All. The. Time.

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  14. 29

    Autumn Quick says

    I have my preschooler convinced that kids have to ride in the cart at the grocery store until he is 5. It is store policy, I can’t break the rules.

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  15. 30

    hbombmom says

    I seriously believed this one when I was little. Never checked for fear of what they may have looked like (child raised on extremely inappropriate 80’s horror movies right here). I also believed my mother when she said she was a witch. I tried it once on my boy and he just laughed and grabbed the back of my head to check it out. LOL. He was severely disappointed.

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