Welcome to “Mom Club.” It’s for normal moms like me who are sick of all the competition and judgmental attitudes that come from non-members. Take careful note of the following rules before applying:
1. No cleaning. Do not clean your house before other moms come over. If your house is perfect, you’re out of the club. If you expect us to clean our houses before you come over, you’re out too.
2. Call them “meetings.” When making lunch, coffee, or wine plans with other moms, do not tell people you are going to lunch, coffee, or wine. You’re having a very important meeting. Are you too honest? You’re out of the club.
3. Do not criticize another mom’s kids. I don’t care if another mom is talking shit about her own kid; do not join in. She has the right as the mom to criticize the child. You do not. Just nod your head, tell her she’s doing a great job, and pour more wine for everyone.
4. Do not overdo the non-holiday holidays. Valentine’s Day? St. Patrick’s Day? Flag Day? THEY’RE NOT REAL HOLIDAYS. It’s okay to “lightly” celebrate them. Might I suggest an adult-themed beverage? But, for the love of Mom Club, stop decorating your entire house and making “holiday” themed food and crafts. And, whatever you do, do not give out presents left by gnomes, gold coins, glitter, or other ridiculous shit. That makes it too difficult for the rest of us. And we’ll kick you out.
5. Do not over-volunteer. It’s okay to do your part (and you should). But don’t be that mom that does absolutely everything. Other moms will resent you, and then you won’t have enough time for our “meetings.”
6. You “sharpen the saw.” It’s not a pedicure or shopping or getting a massage. It’s an investment in your well-being. Call it a refining day, training, or professional development. Otherwise outsiders are bound to misunderstand.
7. Give the heads-up to your fellow members. Did you just talk to your kids about sex? Reveal the secret behind Santa and the Tooth Fairy? Agree to buy your tween a cell phone? Then help a mom out and let us know so we can prepare our kids. And ourselves.
8. Do not include us in your parental obligations. Sure, we’ll babysit for each other every once in awhile, but don’t invite us to your child’s dance recital, sporting event, chess tournament, spelling bee, etc. That’s your cross to bear. Ours is heavy enough as it is.
9. No judgment or unsolicited advice. Do you have strong opinions about bottle vs. breastfeeding? When and how to potty-train? Co-sleeping? Working vs. staying-at-home? Keep them to yourself. We all do what we need to do to survive in this brutal battle of parenting. Unless someone specifically asks for your advice, keep your trap shut.
10. Don’t make other members look bad. If you do any of these things on a daily basis, you better not mention it in front of our spouses: sex, home-cooked meals, showering, laundry, cleaning, or really anything domestic. Seriously, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
Do you think you can handle it? The initiation is rigorous, and the pressure to break the rules intense. We’d love to have you.
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