Mommy Porn (for the rest of us)

131 Comments

I found myself at a party last weekend, full of couples and families. Once the kids were out of earshot, conversation turned, like it has so many times over the past few months, to Fifty Shades of fucking Grey. The room quickly divided between the couples whose sex lives it changed for the positive and those whose it hasn’t.

Sadly for my husband, we remained on the latter side, staring back at the rosy cheeked (pun, intended) and giddy couples. I have heard again and again from a nauseating number of friends and family how utterly amazing the book has been for them and I’m sick to death of it. I guess I’m really just a simple girl at heart, because it doesn’t take rough bondage and fancy equipment to turn me on.

Here’s my version of mommy porn.

Anyone else need a cold shower?

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 9

    Christina Baglivi Tinglof says

    Amen! How about “Let me cook dinner tonight, honey,” instead of my three least favorite words in the world, “What’s for dinner?”

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      • 11

        Kristin says

        I told my husband someone needed to open a restaurant called I Don’t Know or I Don’t Care. Everytime I ask him what he wants for dinner, that’s his answer. It drives me up the wall!

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    • 13

      kath says

      ha! when my hubby and I get into whats for dinner conversation it follows with one of us asking “dog, or cat?” some night, it’s a cat night, some, a dog night. Before people freak out, A cat dinner is something that is ether fish, or chicken, a dog dinner is pretty much beef.(not the dog, or the cat)

      “Let me rub that for you” is my favorite line. Pretty much it’s ether my feet, or my back after a long day.

      :D

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  2. 14

    MommaC says

    Hot and bothered… LOL
    I still haven’t gotten around to reading 50 Shades. Instead a better written less freaky book called Butterfly was suggested by a friend — so far it’s excellent.

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  3. 17

    Gel says

    Fifty Shades Trilogy is just really a good read. The story behind the Fifty shades is too interesting to unfold besides his 50 shades of fuckedupness. It’s a very good story not just a “mom porn” as they quote. :)

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  4. 18

    Marta says

    I haven’t heard of a single person that the books life changed. At all. I’m concerned about your friends sex lives prior to this book. Granted I never finished it because I got bored with the awful characters. I MUCH rather have your porn.

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  5. 19

    Chantelle says

    I still haven’t read that book. A friend of mine just recently loaned me a copy, but I haven’t started it yet. From what I have heard about it, it doesn’t sound like my thing, but I plan to read it just so I can see what all the hype is about. I do however like your idea of porn. All that’s missing is a back rub, for me, not him.

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  6. 20

    Donna says

    You know I read the Fifty Shades series.. yeah it was a good read.. but damn not really as good as all the hype. I guess when you have already dabbled in that lifestyle.. it’s kinda a yawn fest.. I’m glad that it helped some people but jeez it really wasn’t all that great. You want erotic literature find some real erotic literature and don’t be so “Vanilla”.

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  7. 23

    Jean says

    I’m refusing the get on the band wagon too, never fear you’re not alone! Thanks for the pics, it took me a moment to realise there were words along with them though!

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  8. 27

    Jillian says

    A weekend with any of those dreamy men and we could write our own book!

    Being a bit of a rebel, like some other people I know, I hate to jump on board with the latest fad. Instead, I’ll read it when the hype is over and have nobody to talk about it with.

    The motto that many of us have out here is “Be a lady when out and a ho in the bedroom,” than you may not be needing the soft porn.

    Read The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Pseudonym for Ann Rice) and tell me what you think cuz I haven’t read them yet but love her vampire books.

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    • 28

      Donna says

      I read The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy a while ago.. and believe me this is way better than the whole Fifty Shades bandwagon. I must admit I was totally taken aback with the first line of the first book.. but after that.. honestly I couldn’t put it down. The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy is what real erotic literature is.. not the soft crap that 50 is pushing. Amazon has a quite a few erotic reads too .. and guess what they are free!

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    • 29

      Alishia says

      I love the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, read it when I was 19, my mom had the books and I borrowed them. I keep telling everyone that they are so much better than 50 Shades, am I the only one who felt that 50 Shades read A LOT like Twilight?

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      • 30

        kath says

        The reason why 50 shades read like twilight was, the original story was called “Masters of the universe” and it was a twilight fan fiction on fanfiction.net . The author was booted off of Fanfiction.net because she didn’t follow the posted guidelines of the ratings system (placing x rated stuff on a mild R area) She took her story and placed it on her own website to finish it, and with encouragment, changed the names etc and published it as the fifty shades series.

        Yes, it is fan ficton, and yes, it reads like it. I’ve read all three books, and I am not terribly impressed with the series, or the Juicy bits and find it interesting that author has absolutly no clue as to what security measures would be taken for someone with *that* much money… (I guess they haven’t heard of ADT) LOL

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  9. 32

    Kristen Mae says

    Holy shit. Yes, I do need a cold shower.

    If only… if ONLY men would come to their senses and stop farting and wiener-wagging and just do the damn dishes, put stuff away… They would get laid sooooooo much more.

    *SIGH*

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