Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Insane Works of Sandwich Art - May 19, 2013
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
Tiffany is a wife to her best friend and a mother to two beautiful children, Bubs & Bubbette {Nope, those are NOT their real names.} When she’s not doing public relations for one of the top zoos in the country, she’s over-sharing at Mom-Nom.Com, the e-result of her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnoses, after nearly losing Bubs in an accident in July, 2009. Now? She’s just trying to figure out where they go from here…one post at a time.
First there was the fiasco when my husband discovered that I have three holes.
Yet, surprisingly, I still was NOT prepared for this.
Let’s just say the Mister did NOT embrace the idea of the “Big V” as quickly as I would have liked. Clearly, it was a much easier decision for me. I mean, as I lay on the table butterflied open for the world to see, one would have thought it would have been an obvious “yes’m sir, please and thank you” when they asked if I was getting my tubes tied.
Not me. Nope.
When they asked, the first thing that popped into my little head?
“Fuck him. I’ve done this bullshit twice. His ass is getting neutered. It’s the least he can do.”
I’m every man’s dream. I know.
But all I could say, was no. I blamed it on the fact that I was dying to vomit. But really? If you don’t have anything nice to say…
Anyway, not too long ago, I made the official request. In the most professional way I know how.
Me: You need to make an appointment to get your dick clipped.
What? I’m graceful.
Mister: Huh?
Me: If you ever want to cum again. Your wings? They need to be clipped. I talked this shit over with my girlie bits and we’re all in agreement. We’re closed for business until the deed is done. I love you. Shut up.
He’s living the dream people.
Mister: Um, shouldn’t we talk about this?
Me: We just did.
And then I slithered out of the room….
So, you can imagine my surprise when several weeks later I walked into the family room, to find the man I married (read: luckiest man on earth) curled up on the couch with our (male) dog Jack. ::insert saddest man face ever::
Me: What’s wrong?
Mister: Nothing.
Me: I’ll only ask one more time. What’s wrong?
I know. You’re jealous of him. I swear I’m not always so bitchy. Just most of the time.
Mister: I’m just thinking about how weird it’s going to be.
Right about now I notice the dog flat on his bag, hind legs spread eagle and my husband starring at the space between his legs….
Me: Alright, what the hell are you talking about?
Mister: I mean, I’ve had these same two balls my entire life. It’s going to be weird not having them.
Me: WHAT. THE. FUCK. are you talking about? Are you drunk?
Mister: You know, when we do the vasectomy and they take my balls off, like Jack’s when he was neutered.
Me: You’re fucking kidding me, right? I’m not fucking neutering you. AND, your not a 12 week old puppy with pea sized nuggets. Please tell me your kidding.
Mister: You mean their not going to cut my balls off during the vasectomy??
Me: There is a damn computer sitting across the room from you – Google that shit. And please, for the love of all things holy, don’t talk about this with ANYONE.
Needless to say, I won’t be going to his consult with him next week. I can’t face the doctor when he asks if there are any questions.
Disclaimer: I’ve come to realize that, WOW, this man really, REALLY, loves me. He was willing to chop his nuggets off for me. We officially know that someone in our marriage does in fact love the other person more. I’ll let you decide who.
{ 79 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow.
This. Is. Awesome.
{sigh} Men.
Danielle recently posted..August meal
OMG…that is the most screwed up conversation EVER!!! He did NOT really think he was losing his balls, did he?
The link to your “3 holes” isn’t routing to the right page…just thought I’d mention it.
It’s also nice to see that other women are as patient with the husbands as I!
Rebecca recently posted..What Weve Been Up Toby Matt and Hailey
You. Are hilarious.
Men and balls…
ROFL, he really thought they’d chop off his nuggets? Wow! And, you’re right…he really loves you if he’d be willing to even consider that. :) Great blog!
Jessica recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- Problem Solver
Omg I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. People on the train are staring at me like I’m psychotic. Thabk you for making my morning commute so SO much better!
hillarious. I pretty much agree that after dealing with all the pregnancies, post partum and breastfeeding it’s their turn. my hubs no so convinced…
angelica recently posted..On Bullying I need your help- seriously
hillarious. I pretty much agree that after dealing with all the pregnancies, post partum and breastfeeding it’s their turn. my hubs no so convinced…
maybe I should put neutering on the table… might make the V more attractive
angelica recently posted..On Bullying I need your help- seriously
Too funny! My hubby actually WANTS a vasectomy. I’ll admit I’m mixed on that, though we have 2 kids and I’m not looking for anymore. It’s really sweet your guy was willing to do something he was so afraid of.
Lois recently posted..Best Fing birthday present E-VER!
That was a fantastic, hilarious read!! My husband is heading for the same……he too thought it involved his balls (I’m concerned his low I.Q has infected the children) cheers.
LEIGH recently posted..Thrush
HA! low IQ infection – oh, so funny
Hysterical. Although why you didn’t go along with it and have him neutered is beyond me.
Marinka recently posted..The Royal Wedding
Great post…you should have found some back room clinic willing to chop his balls off. After discovering my husband smears my Bulgari lotion on his, I’ve been up nights Googling ‘South American ball removal’.
And, so you know, my husband is fully aware it’s just a severing of the tubing yet he still won’t do it, so you’ve got a good one.
Oh my good gracious! What a GREAT way to wake up on a Thursday. Bless your husband, for being such a … MAN.
Mine has been to the consult, and gotten a RIDICULOUS pamphlet that I was practically salivating over because I wanted to blog about its ridiculousness. He said no. His junk is off-limits on the blog. Jerk.
Sara Plays House recently posted..Shutterfly Holiday Cards
I love your husband stories. Because both of you are freaking hilarious. Also? My best friend once dated a guy who thought breasts could regenerate. Like lizard tails. True story.
i had finally stopped laughing enough to comment and then i read megan’s comment about regenerating breasts.
you have no idea how much i needed that laugh this morning.
(and for the record – we … I – tell everyone that my husband is neutered too. vasectomied just sounds wrong.
jen recently posted..sometimes you just have to shake it
I’m with Marinka.
Poor guy, though. He must have been really sad. snickers…
tracey recently posted..Feeling Horizontal
that is fucking hilarious!!!
OMG, I laughed so hard reading this I’m friggin’ crying! This is such the crude conversation I would have with my hubby. Oh wait, we already did. Surgery is scheduled for 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. No joke. Talk about coincidental timing.
Tara recently posted..A Voice From the Past
“Google that shit!” Haaaaa! LOVE it! (For his sake, let’s hope he did).
When my DH was about to make the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE (because that’s what he called it), I remember having to stuff my fist in my mouth and leave the room shortly after having explained to our children how important it was “…to be gentle with Daddy. He’s having an operation and he’ll be very sore. No jumping on him, no wrestling with him, no tickling him, etc.”
“Is Daddy having his brain removed, Mom?”
Seriously. She asked this. And I did, in fact, leave the room because of course it was HIS TURN to field that gem of a question–yet another sacrifice, methinks.
Planet Mom recently posted..Juggling Act
Holy crap I can’t believe he thought that. I woner if my hubs did too. Thank you thank you thank you for the laugh. And he loves you a lot. My husband would never lose his nuggets for me!
Brittany at Mommy Words recently posted..Facebook is Aiming for Our Kids and our Conversations
Haha aaaand I am forwarding this to my husband now.
Oh, bless his heart. That’s hysterical.
Mommy Boots recently posted..Blogging Laryngitis
Oh, Tiffany. I don’t even know what to say to this.
My husband and I are currently in negotiations about V-day. No, I’m not talking about Valentine’s Day. I suppose since he’s a nurse and all, we won’t have this issue :)
molly recently posted..Part II- The Lost Year
HOLY FUCK that is the funniest shit I have read in a LONG time!!!!! I can’t believe he thought he was going to have his balls chopped off!!!! LOL!!!!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Exercise Vlog- AKA Making an Ass Out of Myself
Lets get this inappropriate comment going:
You told him that the girlie bits were closed for bisnez until he got the snippity snip snip…and several weeks later he still had not RAN to the doctor to do the dang thang…but he also had not even looked into what they would be doing near his penis???
Oh lawdy.
Also, I didn’t pee my pants laughing, but I did end up with water in my nose while drinking. So thanks for that.
Alena recently posted..The weekend of NO rest
Bwaahahahahaha !!! That is great and I’m laughing by butt off over here !! I do have to agree with you though…after going through pregnancy, birth, recovery, breastfeeding, etc…my body has been through the ringer !! It only seems fair that he takes a turn !!
Erin recently posted..Comfort food
This was the first thing I read this morning in bed. My Depends filled up quickly on this one. Hilarious.
Oh my god. It is true. All men are the same. Crap.
HUbby had his chopped earlier this year, although I’ll give him his due, he volunteered pdq when I threatened to withhold. He couldn’t remember what the procedure was called though & kept asking the doctor for vivisection…
Then when he actually had the op, he and the doc were talking about rugby and the doc forgot to anaesthetise one ball before cutting….. Cue hubby laid in bed for FOUR DAYS!
LOL – you are a blessed woman for sure. Oh, that was good.
My husband was snipped (maybe better than neutered?) – he was bruised for 4 days (dark purple, be prepared), and then was fine.
He says he can’t tell the difference…
o.m.g. i am in tears!!! this is too hilarious!!!
sarah-overthinking mama recently posted..All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…
Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Serene recently posted..OPMF- Link Roundup
Tiff.
HOLY SHIT.
best. post. ever.
Blair@HeirtoBlair recently posted..Thank you A million times- thank you
I love this. This is soooo funny. I’m visiting from mountainmum.com
Brilliantly hilarious!! God, I love me an innocent man ;)
toywithme recently posted..Zestra Arousal Oils – It Felt Amazing!
…from a man’s view…i had the “clip” 15 yrs ago…wife was out of town..i stopped @ Target to get a jock & hot water bottle…the clerk said…no lie…” u gonna do it”???..
p.s…the first time he goes to re-enter…i bet he’s gonna feel that his “head” will come off with the O.!!!
enjoy the tidbits ya’ll provide.!
OMG this was too hilarious! I sooo needed a good laugh today. Thanks. :)
Maruska Morena recently posted..The Best & Saddest Night- AKA Why I’m Single
That’s so awesome. I don’t know whether to be like ‘awwww’ cause he’s willing to have his balls chopped off to be with you, or to laugh my ass off because he thought he had to get his balls chopped off. Such a pathetically cute mental pic of him curled up on the couch with the dog too. Love it.
I just peed a little. Your poor hubs! Well, kinda. More poor you for having to fill in the blanks for him a lot! I have the same exact situation in my house! And my poor love had his nuts cut BEFORE he asked the question, so I am (secretly) enslaved to him for the rest of my years!
What kind of school did you husband go to?!
oh my gawd. i cannot stop laughing. This TOTALLY sounds like my husband. I know there are tons, but the first example i can think of is his pronunciation of Wi-fi. (wee fee) HAH!
Grace @ Arms Wide Open recently posted..grateful
I just can’t stop laughing. And I thought my hubby was a little on the slow side. It took me having to fill out the paperwork and schedule surgery with my doctor for a tubal before my husband would man up and agree to a “V”. He said he didn’t want me to go through a surgery. I think he just didn’t want to have to take care of the kids for a week while I was lay up in bed.
OMG. This is hilarious. But what does he think about you sharing this? lol.
Joanna recently posted..The best is yet to come
This really further proves what I’ve said all along. Y-chromosomes are a form of a birth defect. Boys peak around the age of 3 & it’s all downhill from there. Yes, getting potty trained is the highlight of their intelligent careers.
OH my DEAR GOD – I just peed myself laughing – that was the funniest effing shaaattt I have EVER read.
You need a TV show….I haven’t even gone to your Blog yet…but I CAN. NOT. WAIT. to get there!!!
Erin recently posted..I loved her first
Wow. That is hilarious!
Sara recently posted..My November Commitment…
Why are men so dumb? I bet this is why my husband didn’t want one and convinced me to get a hysterectomy during my hormonal, fearful pregnant state.
Jennifer recently posted..Its the most busiest time of the year
This post and the link to the “Three Holes” post made my day. I seriously needed a laugh! Sorry it is at your (husband’s) expense!
Hilarious!
COSM literally. Coke all over the monitor. Reading this post and the 3 holes ones made me laugh harder than I have in ages.
I love this blog. Love it love it love it.
God that man must love you!!
You never cease to amuse Tiffany. :) lol… & this made me feel not as bad for my bitchy moments to MY hubby.
Jaimie recently posted..Its that time again
Oh, my freaking god!!! This was a great way to start the day- too funny!! Staring at the dog- rich!!
Kelly recently posted..November Series- Thankful Thursday
LMAO so hard I’m crying!!
The day after we found out we were having triplets, my hubby volunteered for ‘the big V’. No matter what was involved, he wanted to make damn sure he wouldn’t spawn any more kids.
Hahaha…I read this one and the three holes one and here’s what I have to say. We must be friends. That is all!
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..In which i tried to be sophisticated
I love it!! Awesome Article. cut off his balls lol
Rosa recently posted..Please Vote for my Son!
I would have my balls cut off if my wife wanted me to. It would show her just how much I loved her. After all they are just balls. I would have no problem doing it for her. Many woman like men with no balls. Check it out on the web. Many men want them off like I do. No DR in mass will do it for you
Moment of Truth: I followed you because you looked interesting. Then I unfollowed you because you seemed kinda crass, and I generally don’t tolerate potty mouths. Then I read this and laughed my ASS off! I read it to my husband, too. He’s not impressed as much as me. But I am going to refollow you. Loved the “Three Holes” bit, too. Your transparency is addicting!
i find balls to be incredibly whimsical and hilarious, so i’m glad we’re talking about them here.
regardless, between three holes and no balls, i’m starting to assume mister likes to keep it real simple.
avoiding asking questions since childhood is tipping me off here … :)
My Body is a Metaphor
Your husband sounds adorable – I would make shit up just to mess with his head! I wish I could dumb mine down a little.
b harper recently posted..“Everything Is Healing Nicely”
Poor men, they really need to learn the power of Dr. Google. It’s like asking for directions or something – they’ll wait for something to change color and not even bother to type a description in the search bar.
And yeah, dude loves you bunches.
I love it!
A Stepmom recently posted..Don’t hate me- Embrace me
Oh brother, he didn’t google it? You would have thought he would have.
Ahh well my husband thought when we got the male dogs neutered they’d never be able to get a hard on, guess what they do. They just can’t get girl doggies pregnant. The way the male mind works is still a baffle to me.
Hahahahaha
This is one reason . God. Words fail me. Are you freakin’ serious? Ok…words are back. There is a reason men marry. So they can stop thinking. They go from their mother to a wife. Oh wait? When did they think. Tongue firmly in cheek”)
THAT is hilarious. I think I’m going to try your approach with my husband, who I’m having a hard time convincing to get a snip job…
Ally recently posted..Making Memories
Love it!
I.Shall.Blog.About.It recently posted..Sunday Radomness & Meme Fun
Best.Post.Ever. I can’t stop laughing!
It is not even a question that I will entertain- no vasectomy- not now, not ever. I felt that way knowing what was involved, so I can only imagine what I would have done had I thought that someone was going to chop mine off.
That is freaking nuts.
Jack recently posted..Is Social Media Making You Anti-Social
Just please don’t tell me that he’s a Biology teacher!
I would google “pain after vasectomy”, that is the most important thing. I have had a vasectomy for 11 months, and WANT to cut my balls off after being in pain every second of every day for almost an entire year. The worst thing you can do is doing it right before Christmas, it completely ruined my entire holiday. And seriously, to this day, I think women that ask their man to get the snip should be horse whipped. A woman that forces it, should just be shot!
itgotweird recently posted..5 Months off the Bike
Ok, after reading this and the 3-hole post, I just have to ask: is your life going to come out on DVD? Or run on cable? Because I don’t want to miss any episodes, they are friggin’ hilarious :-D
Elisa recently posted..The day is gray Or- the one where I bitch about the weather
O.M.G. Dying over here…..dying!
OMG I couldn’t even get through reading it to my husband because I was laughing so hard I was crying!! I literally couldn’t breathe!
Whats really pathetic is how little respect all the women on here have for men. “Men and their balls”…really?? You mean our most important body part, to have children and be virile and the man that all of you wanted to marry or be with?? “Dumb”?? This man, although perhaps didn’t take the initiative to look it up, was willing to lose his manhood for this woman, and all of you find that “cute” and still call him a dumbass?? And saying you’ve been through pain with your lady parts so he needs some pain too, really?? Wow, so it makes you feel better seeing your men suffer?? I am truly sorry and saddened by the attitude’s displayed here. You women ought to be ashamed for yourselves. Next time consider how much sacrifices your man made and still makes for you, and instead of calling him a dumbass, try actually showing him some respect and appreciation.
But aren’t women meant to serve men? This doesn’t make much sense to me.. why didn’t he just hit you? And why didn’t you just get yourself spayed.. I’m afraid this whole website is just so backwards :/
Should of slapped the dumb broad. Now get in the kitchen and make me a steak, medium rare before I slam you against the wall, biotch
I agree with Kennedy; it’s wonderful that he was willing to do that for you, but people here need to smarten the fuck up and recognize exactly how big of a deal it is for him. The female equivalent of what he was willing to go through for you is having your lips sewn shut, and not the lips you talk with. Have some respect people.
My husband has been clipped. His balls sit on my office desk. I had a vet(animal) do it for me. I have a young black guy for a boy friend who I sleep with. My husband sleeps down stairs where our black baby is at.
^ she’s reviving the AIDS generation. Nasty..eww
By she I mean Anna.
My gawd! A horrid beast of a woman! Seriously, what 4th dimension of hell did she come from?? And the topic writer needs to take some Midol and chill the f++k out..grumpy dog.