Neutering My Husband


First there was the fiasco when my husband discovered that I have three holes.

Yet, surprisingly, I still was NOT prepared for this.

Let’s just say the Mister did NOT embrace the idea of the “Big V” as quickly as I would have liked. Clearly, it was a much easier decision for me. I mean, as I lay on the table butterflied open for the world to see, one would have thought it would have been an obvious “yes’m sir, please and thank you” when they asked if I was getting my tubes tied.

Not me. Nope.

When they asked, the first thing that popped into my little head?

“Fuck him. I’ve done this bullshit twice. His ass is getting neutered. It’s the least he can do.”

I’m every man’s dream. I know.

But all I could say, was no. I blamed it on the fact that I was dying to vomit. But really? If you don’t have anything nice to say…

Anyway, not too long ago, I made the official request. In the most professional way I know how.

Me: You need to make an appointment to get your dick clipped.

What? I’m graceful.

Mister: Huh?

Me: If you ever want to cum again. Your wings? They need to be clipped. I talked this shit over with my girlie bits and we’re all in agreement. We’re closed for business until the deed is done. I love you. Shut up.

He’s living the dream, people.

Mister: Um, shouldn’t we talk about this?

Me: We just did.

And then I slithered out of the room….

So, you can imagine my surprise when several weeks later I walked into the family room, to find the man I married (read: luckiest man on earth) curled up on the couch with our (male) dog Jack. ::insert saddest man face ever::

Me: What’s wrong?

Mister: Nothing.

Me: I’ll only ask one more time. What’s wrong?

I know. You’re jealous of him. I swear I’m not always so bitchy. Just most of the time.

Mister: I’m just thinking about how weird it’s going to be.

Right about now I notice the dog flat on his bag, hind legs spread eagle and my husband starring at the space between his legs….

Me: Alright, what the hell are you talking about?

Mister: I mean, I’ve had these same two balls my entire life. It’s going to be weird not having them.

Me: WHAT. THE. FUCK. are you talking about? Are you drunk?

Mister: You know, when we do the vasectomy and they take my balls off, like Jack’s when he was neutered.

Me: You’re fucking kidding me, right? I’m not fucking neutering you. AND, your not a 12 week old puppy with pea sized nuggets. Please tell me your kidding.

Mister: You mean their not going to cut my balls off during the vasectomy??

Me: There is a damn computer sitting across the room from you – Google that shit. And please, for the love of all things holy, don’t talk about this with ANYONE.

Needless to say, I won’t be going to his consult with him next week. I can’t face the doctor when he asks if there are any questions.

Disclaimer: I’ve come to realize that, WOW, this man really, REALLY, loves me. He was willing to chop his nuggets off for me. We officially know that someone in our marriage does in fact love the other person more. I’ll let you decide who.


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 4

    Rebecca says

    OMG…that is the most screwed up conversation EVER!!! He did NOT really think he was losing his balls, did he?

    The link to your “3 holes” isn’t routing to the right page…just thought I’d mention it.

    It’s also nice to see that other women are as patient with the husbands as I!

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  2. 8

    angelica says

    hillarious. I pretty much agree that after dealing with all the pregnancies, post partum and breastfeeding it’s their turn. my hubs no so convinced…

    maybe I should put neutering on the table… might make the V more attractive

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  3. 9

    Lois says

    Too funny! My hubby actually WANTS a vasectomy. I’ll admit I’m mixed on that, though we have 2 kids and I’m not looking for anymore. It’s really sweet your guy was willing to do something he was so afraid of.

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  4. 10

    Sara Plays House says

    Oh my good gracious! What a GREAT way to wake up on a Thursday. Bless your husband, for being such a … MAN.
    Mine has been to the consult, and gotten a RIDICULOUS pamphlet that I was practically salivating over because I wanted to blog about its ridiculousness. He said no. His junk is off-limits on the blog. Jerk.

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  5. 11

    LEIGH says

    That was a fantastic, hilarious read!! My husband is heading for the same……he too thought it involved his balls (I’m concerned his low I.Q has infected the children) cheers.

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  6. 16

    Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him says

    Great post…you should have found some back room clinic willing to chop his balls off. After discovering my husband smears my Bulgari lotion on his, I’ve been up nights Googling ‘South American ball removal’.

    And, so you know, my husband is fully aware it’s just a severing of the tubing yet he still won’t do it, so you’ve got a good one.

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  7. 17

    Megan (Best of Fates) says

    I love your husband stories. Because both of you are freaking hilarious. Also? My best friend once dated a guy who thought breasts could regenerate. Like lizard tails. True story.

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  8. 18

    jen says

    i had finally stopped laughing enough to comment and then i read megan’s comment about regenerating breasts.
    you have no idea how much i needed that laugh this morning.
    (and for the record – we … I – tell everyone that my husband is neutered too. vasectomied just sounds wrong.

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  9. 21

    Tara says

    OMG, I laughed so hard reading this I’m friggin’ crying! This is such the crude conversation I would have with my hubby. Oh wait, we already did. Surgery is scheduled for 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. No joke. Talk about coincidental timing.

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  10. 23

    Planet Mom says

    “Google that shit!” Haaaaa! LOVE it! (For his sake, let’s hope he did).

    When my DH was about to make the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE (because that’s what he called it), I remember having to stuff my fist in my mouth and leave the room shortly after having explained to our children how important it was “…to be gentle with Daddy. He’s having an operation and he’ll be very sore. No jumping on him, no wrestling with him, no tickling him, etc.”

    “Is Daddy having his brain removed, Mom?”

    Seriously. She asked this. And I did, in fact, leave the room because of course it was HIS TURN to field that gem of a question–yet another sacrifice, methinks.

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  11. 24

    Brittany at Mommy Words says

    Holy crap I can’t believe he thought that. I woner if my hubs did too. Thank you thank you thank you for the laugh. And he loves you a lot. My husband would never lose his nuggets for me!

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