10 Reasons Postpartum Sex Isn’t Happening


1. I don’t fucking FEEL like it. I mean, I want to… but I don’t feel like it. You know how sometimes you’re hungry and feel like you’re starving to DEATH, but then nothing really sounds good to eat? It’s kinda like that. I love you, and I want to sex you up, but my brain and my body are not exactly sparking on the same wavelength right now.

2. My boobs are sore. And I just got done feeding our kid out of them, so there’s that, too. But mostly, they’re sore and I don’t want them touched any more today. Maybe ever… But at least not right now.

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3. One or both of us smells like baby vomit. And I might have spit up in my hair. Who can tell anymore? It might just be on the pillowcase, but regardless, it’s not the most romantic aroma.

4. When I asked for a back rub, I actually meant that my back is KILLING me and I’d like a massage. That was not code for “Please grope me and squeeze my ass.” If I could get just a little affection without being mauled, that would be great, thanks. I’m still a little tender in places.

5. There may or may not be a jungle growing downstairs and I don’t think you want to go there. Let’s just say I haven’t seen a tub of wax or a razor blade since before I went into the hospital.

6. The crying is about as sexy as a limp dishrag. Who wants to get busy with all this crying and snot happening every other 30 minutes? Oh no, not the baby. I meant ME. My after-baby hormones are pure insanity. Tears do not make a good lubricant.

7. I feel fat and mushy. No, I don’t mean I emotionally feel like I look fat and mushy. I mean I physically AM fat and mushy. I’m jigglier than a bowl of your grandma’s jello surprise right now.

8. Who’s idea was it to put the baby’s bassinet in OUR bedroom? I don’t know how anyone ever gets to kid #2 before kid #1 moves into their own room. I cannot even fathom trying to concentrate on having a good time while baby snores drift across the same room. Not. Gonna. Happen.

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9. I’ve been on solitary diaper duty for the last 96 hours. Don’t make me start a star chart. Resentment is not an aphrodisiac.

10. I don’t want our children born 10 months apart, thank you very much. Can you blame me?

Related post: Dead Vagina Walking

About the writer

Love Barnett is a work-from-home mom of too many kids to count, trophy wife, and emphatic wielder of the "Because I said so" card. You can find her unbridled perspective into the world of beer, babies, beauty, and baubles on her Facebook page, follow her on Twitter, or if you're feeling adventurous (or bored) you can check out her much-neglected blog Momma Said NO.


The Puzzled Mom 1 week ago

Omigosh. All hilariously true. I can honestly say only after nearly 5 months post-partum had “a roll in the hay” begun to sound more appealing than doing the dishes. It took a lot of time, antidepressants, and healing from a tear to get there. There were some things that I found out the hard way (no pun intended) that did make a difference, though — https://thepuzzledmom.wordpress.com/2015/11/12/sensory-issues-8-ways-to-handle-intimacy/ .

Nicole Slaughter 1 year ago

my daughter is 8 years old and i still HATE sex!!! DON’T TOUCH ME

Brandi Pate 1 year ago

I was cleared at 4 wks after the birth of my 1st, and exactly 9 months and 2 days later, I gave birth to twin girls! ( premature birth) so.. I had 3 children born in 2005. For 3 months I can say I have 3 daughters that are the same age!

Fran Connor 1 year ago

We were abt 3wks now tht she’s 2yrs she’s now known as c*ck block

Bonnie Nicoll Ciesluk 1 year ago

#4 even still with a 19, 7 and 4 year old! If I don’t want to get it on I have to avoid all affection and contact or it will turn into #4 every time!

Ashley Mickels 1 year ago

Hahaha that’s awesome

Hollie Smith 1 year ago

I have boys that are the same age for a wk!!!! apparently #10 applies to me!

Ashley Frerk 1 year ago


Micaela Rios Solomon 1 year ago

I waited two weeks and because thats as long as I could hold out.

Shannon Moore 1 year ago

i did it 2 wks after youngest 2, both of which were over 9lbs. but i only had 1 stitch. apparently, my vag is made of rubber or elastic.

Debbie Gross 1 year ago

My baby is almost 8 and #4 and #9 are still true. Although diaper duty is now dishes, laundry, getting kids bathed, etc.

Jenna Muncer 1 year ago

They left out the part about the excruciating pain.

Eleanor Marinelli 1 year ago

Love it.

Charlotte Soos 1 year ago

To quote a childbirth song: its like eating a meal after you’ve just been sick.

SeanandRachel Lafferty 1 year ago

That’s about how it is! Lol!!! Love this Justinand Paige Brown!

Geraldine Huggins 1 year ago

Love this picture.

Justinand Paige Brown 1 year ago

Omg this post literally describes my life. Lmao

Judy Oddo Baumann 1 year ago

When I had my babies way back they said not for 6 weeks. Yeah but that 6 weeks went too fast. Still so tired.

Kilee Zeman 1 year ago

Oh good lord! YES! Exactly my thoughts!! It would be great if you moved two states away, haha.

April Lamkin 1 year ago

Remember when that husband made a chart of every time he asked to get laid, and she refused, and she put him on blast??? I remember many not understanding her reasons. This is probably her reasons. Know it was mine.

Candy KC Satterfield Register 1 year ago

—and here I am, the freak who had sex three times just four days after my c-section and still wanted more. LOL

Jacquie Johnson Albert 1 year ago

All true!

Melanie Hendrickson 1 year ago

Ok my husband and I never even looked or touched each other until 10 weeks out.

Jemma Armitage 1 year ago

Should of listened to this last time I have a nearly 1year old and a 1 month old lol not all shits and giggles …..or mabey it is lol x

Sandra McCrystal Huesing 1 year ago

All men should read and heed this

Tara McGrath 1 year ago

Love. This.

The Dead Vagina Walking article was excellent, too!

Rob Cueny 1 year ago

aww man

Bekah Shadix 1 year ago

My son was 10 pounds, and came out the baby door lol so my lady business was a no fly area for 2 months. Stitches, bleeding, just PAIN. And I was breastfeeding, also have another child, so my exhaustion level was zombie. And I had zero interest. Now, once the baby was sleeping more regularly, and my hormones had calmed down, everything went back to fairly normal. Not as often, I mean, I have 2 kids, and a house to take care of. But I never resented my boyfriend. Well…maybe a bit when I was pushing the giant that is my son out.

Kristine Price Sweet 1 year ago


Paula Santos 1 year ago

OMG!it’s really gone a happen that way…


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