25 Things My Children Never Say


1. Mommy is on the phone right now, so let’s entertain ourselves quietly.

2. I know where my soccer cleats are!

3. I’m going to play with my toys now. I really do have so many of them.

4. You’re making what for dinner? YUM!

5. That puddle would make an awfully big mess. I’m not going to stomp in it.

6. We’re going to be in the car for five hours? Let me pee first.

7. I’m too full for dessert.

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8. I have a lot of homework tonight, I really should get started.

9. You look really busy; I’ll go ask Dad instead.

10. We all decided that we want to watch the same thing on TV.

11. Thank you for that yummy lunch! I didn’t trade any of it at the cafeteria.

12. You’re so much more fun than Dad.

13. Let’s get those thank you notes over with!

14. I’ve had enough electronics for the day.

15. I have a class project due two weeks from now.

16. I’m ready for bed.

17. I don’t care what my friends are allowed to have or do.

18. What did you ask me to do before? I want to made sure I go and do it.

19. I’m really enjoying this long car ride.

20. I need to wash my hands.

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21. I’ll take the smallest piece, please.

22. You’re in the bathroom? OK, I’ll wait patiently to ask my unimportant question.

23. You’re wearing that? You look great!

24. There’s so much to do in this house; What lucky kids we are.

25. We’re going to be late, let’s go!

About the writer


In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)


kathryne 10 months ago

Or how bout I heard you tell me no and I completely agree with you

Mary 10 months ago

Of course I will pick up this trail of Legos and socks and Hot Wheels cars that I am littering all over the house!!!

Maureen Luckritz Singer 11 months ago

#18!! I wish she said this one!

Tiffany Nolen Kaechele 11 months ago


Missy Hein 11 months ago

Mine have said and done a number of these

Gloria Silva 11 months ago

It’s the birthday of a beautiful child <3

Janeen Taylor 11 months ago


Britanie Myers 11 months ago

My kids regularly tell me that their dinner is “delicious”. They also regularly tell me that their dinner is “disgusting” and possibly “puke”. It just depends on whether or not we are having chicken nuggets…

Stephanie Kuepfer 11 months ago

18 and 24 lol!

Nancy Welker Fortais 11 months ago

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if these were all true? At least I’d always have my sanity…….

Kristin Berry-Walters 11 months ago

My son will put put himself to bed if he’s tired. It started around 3. He’s now 5.

Faith E Valentine 11 months ago

Number 9!!!

Emily Kleinberger Plocharczyk 11 months ago

My kids and I just died laughing as I read this to them. Thanks!

Lara Leigh 11 months ago

Or…I’ll take special care not to wipe my…snotty nose, dirty hands, messy face, etc… On your freshly cleaned clothes as your on your way out to work, dinner, important event,…

Becky Ray Guthrie 11 months ago

How about “darn it. I forgot to put my favorite jeans in the laundry basket. Guess I’ll wear one of the seven other pairs I have.” Or how about “My little brother is grumpy, think I’ll try to cheer him up by playing his favorite came.” I can go on and on! Ha!

Susan Beggs 11 months ago

LOL. If only.

Heather Semp Horth 11 months ago

#1 and #3!

Kayleen Loudon Condrick 11 months ago

Hey! I can’t say number 5! 😉

Jen Mara B 11 months ago

I hear #4 quite often. Somehow my kid (and her friends) actually likes my cooking.

Melissa Joy Flack 11 months ago

I have heard my oldest child (7) say many of these things…

Lyssa 11 months ago

I couldn’t help but read all of the in a sarcastic tone

Sarah Allison 11 months ago

My daughter doesn’t say most of these (she’s 2) but I remember doing #1 to my widower dad all the time, so if my kid does it to me I kind of have it coming!

Joanie Lasseigne Ferrell 11 months ago


Monica Volpe-Rosario 11 months ago

This is great!!!

taryn 11 months ago

My 3 year old will actually say she’s ready 4 bed and needs to wash her hands. In fact she begs too wash her hands sometimes when it’s unnecessary. But that’s bout it lol

Joey Graham 11 months ago

#3….it’s like they refuse to play with their toys….so ready to pack them up and donate!!!!


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