Top 10 Post-Pregnancy Bodily Surprises

92 Comments

Reflection

As many people know, the pregnant body goes through many strange and mysterious changes — “WHERE DID THAT NIPPLE HAIR COME FROM?” — yet the post-pregnancy body is rarely discussed, except in the requisite Us Weekly and Life & Style covers featuring an airbrushed celebrity mom in a bikini, hand on hip: “HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!”

Well, let me tell you, some strange and mysterious changes strike the body after giving birth, as well. And I think everyone should know it…

10. If you are breastfeeding, your vagina will likely have something in common with the Sahara Desert. And, no, I am not talking about Dung Beetles taking up residence down there. Not usually, at least.

9. That dark line running down your stomach will go away, but may decide to hang out for a few months after pregnancy. On the bright side, vertical stripes are slimming!

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8. Postnatal bleeding can last for weeks — like six to eight, even — and tampons are a no-no, so don’t throw on those white jeans just yet.

7. Sex after childbirth can be freakin’ painful — for up to a year. Took me nine months to enjoy it again after my first baby. True story. So either ease back into it slowly or, as your husband may prefer, practice your fake O-face in the mirror to make it convincing.

6. Post-pregnancy urinary tract infections are common. Thanks, urinary catheter!

5. Speaking of urine… in the hospital, a nurse will have to accompany you to the bathroom just to assist with the peeing process. Check your pride and humility at the bathroom door.

4. That luscious hair you grew during pregnancy? Yeah, it falls out, leaving you with unruly wisps around the face. HOT.

3. Your feet may grow. Permanently. Which is awesome when you already wore GARGANTUAN SIZE 9 SHOES. *Ahem* Not that I know anything about that.

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2. After my first baby, I did not know that my breasts would spontaneously spring a leak — sometimes a very BIG leak — just from talking or thinking about my baby. Which led to a very awkward encounter with my male Starbucks barista while chatting about our kids.

1. The power of post-pregnancy hormones are severely underestimated. Hormonal levels drop precipitously the minute your baby is born and the placenta is expelled (YUM!), because the placenta was the hormone production factory in the body. True story. So not only can this cause extreme mood swings and depression, but it can also make you think that SUDDENLY DYING YOUR HAIR CLOWN RED IS A GOOD IDEA. *Ahem* Again, not that I would know anything about that. Or cried for four days straight after doing so. But all I can tell you after finally restoring my hair to its pre-baby color is: BY GOD, DO NOT LET THIS HAIR TRAGEDY STRIKE YOU!

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  1. 1

    Sharon says

    I think you missed the one where it hurts like no other just to pee! I dont know how it is there, but here in Norway, the hospital bathrooms have a small shower hose to use while peeing to lessen that pain. I had to continue for a week at home in the shower before I was “man” enough to tough it out.

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  2. 3

    Melissa says

    Or if like me you ended up with a c-section (after 24hrs of unsuccessful labour) Your lovely parting gift is an extreme fat overhang that is prone to topical yeast infections along my scar during the hot summer months. Sexy.

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      • 5

        zinkemom says

        Mine did the same thing jackiee. I was lying in bed and raised it up to sit when my dad and step mom came to visit and there was a big gush. I looked to to see a puddle and thought at first it was vaginal. Nope. My incision opened up and kept doing so for six more weeks.

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  3. 6

    MomMom says

    How about he fact that it seems impossible to get back down to your pre-pregnancy size! I only gained 15lbs when pregnant. Lost it all plus 5 lbs within the first 3 months but I never could squeze back into my size 2 :( My actual bone structure of my hips changed and got wider! So even if you do lose all the weight it doesn’t mean your clothes will ever fit the same again!

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      • 8

        MomMom says

        Hey at least you got back into your pre-pregnancy size! My son turns two next month and I’m still a size 6, despite being 5lbs less than i was pre-pregnancy. Whole closet full of clothes i’m sure i’ll never wear again but can’t bring myself to get rid of lol.

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        • 9

          Linda says

          yeah, it sucks to lose your whole wardrobe. I got rid of all my old clothes when we moved because it was too depressing to hang onto these clothes when I thought I would never lose the weight! You never know, you might still get into your 2s again. how old is your child? like I said it took me five years ( but I do have two kids) Weight isn’t the thing. Fat weighs far less than muscle and gives you a different shape.

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    • 11

      JBong says

      Same here! And why don’t the guys get it that once your pelvis spreads to cradle the baby it doesn’t EVER go back?!? They all think we can exercise it back in place. I’d like to see them accomplish what we have.

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      • 12

        MomMom says

        Well actually my bf loves it. The added width of the pelvis gives the illusion that i actually have a little bit of an ass lol. Also have bigger boobs than i used to so he got all the benefits…but he’s not the one who has to be sad when nothing fits!

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    • 28

      Rachel says

      Yeah, and now they have this suppository they give you right after the baby is born, that makes the bleeding lighter. Yay, except no one mentioned that it makes it last longer!

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