The Top 10 Post-Pregnancy Bodily Surprises

As many people know, the pregnant body goes through many strange and mysterious changes—“WHERE DID THAT NIPPLE HAIR COME FROM?”—yet the post-pregnancy body is rarely discussed, except in the requisite Us Weekly and Life & Style covers featuring an airbrushed celebrity mom in a bikini, hand on hip: “HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!”

Well, let me tell you, some strange and mysterious changes strike the body after giving birth, as well. And I think everyone should know it…

10. If you are breastfeeding, your vagina will likely have something in common with the Sahara Desert. And, no, I am not talking about Dung Beetles taking up residence down there. Not usually, at least.

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9. That dark line running down your stomach will go away, but may decide to hang out for a few months after pregnancy. On the bright side, vertical stripes are slimming!

8. Postnatal bleeding can last for weeks — like six to eight, even — and tampons are a no-no, so don’t throw on those white jeans just yet.

7. Sex after childbirth can be freakin’ painful — for up to a year. Took me nine months to enjoy it again after my first baby. True story. So either ease back into it slowly or, as your husband may prefer, practice your fake O-face in the mirror to make it convincing.

6. Post-pregnancy urinary tract infections are common. Thanks, urinary catheter!

5. Speaking of urine… in the hospital, a nurse will have to accompany you to the bathroom just to assist with the peeing process. Check your pride and humility at the bathroom door.

4. That luscious hair you grew during pregnancy? Yeah, it falls out, leaving you with unruly wisps around the face. HOT.

3. Your feet may grow. Permanently. Which is awesome when you already wore GARGANTUAN SIZE 9 SHOES. *Ahem* Not that I know anything about that.

2. After my first baby, I did not know that my breasts would spontaneously spring a leak — sometimes a very BIG leak — just from talking or thinking about my baby. Which led to a very awkward encounter with my male Starbucks barista while chatting about our kids.

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1. The power of post-pregnancy hormones are severely underestimated. Hormonal levels drop precipitously the minute your baby is born and the placenta is expelled (YUM!), because the placenta was the hormone production factory in the body. True story. So not only can this cause extreme mood swings and depression, but it can also make you think that SUDDENLY DYING YOUR HAIR CLOWN RED IS A GOOD IDEA. *Ahem* Again, not that I would know anything about that. Or cried for four days straight after doing so. But all I can tell you after finally restoring my hair to its pre-baby color is: BY GOD, DO NOT LET THIS HAIR TRAGEDY STRIKE YOU!

Related post: 4 Truths About Our Post-Baby Bodies

About the writer

Candy Kirby is a family columnist and professional funmaker on The Laughing Stork, where she writes about provocative parenting issues such as the physics of gravity-defying baby poop and how to effectively humiliate your pet in the family portrait.

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Melissa Morgan Adams 11 months ago

Number 3 isn’t BS. My feet grew!

Yonni Martin 11 months ago

Number three HAPPENS! One of my girlfriend’s has 3 babies and with each one her feet grew by a half size.

Kristie Jarvis 11 months ago

Number three happened to me! My feet were a size 8 before now a size 9

Janell Kerr 11 months ago

#3 is actually not bullshit! They are all true!

Angela Schoebel 11 months ago

Gotta laugh at the woman complaining about there dignity whilst being accompanied to the toilet, picture several doctors and midwifes standing there staring at your personals whilst your in labour and someone has there whole hand inside you trying to put a little monitor on the baby’s head because the tummy one won’t work….if you can go through that you’ll never be embarresed of anything again lolz

Angela Schoebel 11 months ago

Gotta laugh at the woman complaining about there dignity whilst being accompanied to the toilet, picture several doctors and midwifes standing there staring at your personals whilst your in labour and someone has there whole hand inside you trying to put a little monitor on the baby’s head because the tummy one won’t work….if you can go through that you’ll never be embarresed of anything again lolz

Angela Schoebel 11 months ago

I went from a size 8 1/2 shoe to 9 throughout pregnancy and am still the same 5 years later :(

Gloria Hutton 11 months ago

My feet actually got smaller after all of my kids. Sadly, my boobs shrunk too and everything I lost between my feet and boobs went to my hips. Ugh

Lahis Garcia 11 months ago

Jumped from shoes size 8 to 8.5 after first pregnancy and to size 9 after second.

Leonore Engelbrecht 11 months ago

C-section moms..that flat tire tummy skin thats now for ever hanging over your panty. I try to push it back with a tight belt but then i have a muffin top. The fact that you will never again see your fanny without a mirror present. Oh the joys!!!

Leonore Engelbrecht 11 months ago

My feet defnitely grew a size with both kids. I was always a nice 6, then a 7 and now an eight! So not a bullshit story. i still have my nr 6’s that i cannot get in or even try to. Probably have to let them go..

Irish Hester 11 months ago

I went up a size in shoes. I was so upset that I had to retire all my favorites.

Alana Hen 11 months ago

Number 3!

Sherry Siedenburg 11 months ago

Ugh my issue??? Stink, yep I said it… STINK!
The freaking serious hormone shift gave my pits the most Godawful smell! Like the not popular teenaged boy with piss-poor hygiene who refuses to take a bath weekly let alone daily, stink…. It took FOREVER to find a deodorant to help!

Karen Siebert Gwinnup 11 months ago

The hair loss. Oh, the hair loss!

Bethany Roberts 11 months ago

Wow-Im amazed at all the changes in shoe size…my feet stayed the same size, at last after all the swelling went down. Dear God I thought my toes were gonna explode the entire last month of my pregnancy. And only one other mommy with hemmoroids!? Those SUCK!!!

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