I don’t want to be that chick in her mid-30s who complains about getting older, because when I hear chicks in their mid-20s complain about being old, it makes me want to burn everything to the ground. So, I can only assume anyone older than me would be collectively rolling their eyes.
But I am getting older and there are some signs you’re aging that can’t be ignored. For one, I am having trouble reading my computer screen, so I can only assume my eyesight is deteriorating as I type this. I wake up just about every day with a different part of me that aches for no particular reason. I also have random parts of me that sag that never used to sag before. My body is basically already falling apart.
Luckily, the funny people of Twitter understand and are here to help us laugh about aging until we cry, then laugh some more, then sob when we remember this is the youngest we’ll ever be again:
We just can’t rally like we used to:
KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
— batkaren (@batkaren) December 17, 2015
And we live in a state of permanent exhaustion:
I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 11, 2014
We’re constantly reminded how old we are:
My daughter just asked why we say "hang up" the phone and now I feel 90.
— Jason English (@EnglishJason) June 2, 2015
Especially in the age of social media:
I'm so old, I can remember getting through an entire day without taking a picture of anything.
— FunnyOneLiners (@Funnyoneliners) May 25, 2015
And we have zero patience for stupidity:
the real tide pod challenge is doing laundry on a regular basis
— prairie witch (@ylim333) January 21, 2018
The fact is our priorities have changed:
petition to start parties at 7:30 this year so i can be in bed by 10:45
— Noah Lamfers (@Noahs_Ark20) January 10, 2018
Yes, ALL of our priorities:
You know you're getting old when you pull out your high-powered back massager and actually use it on your back.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) February 23, 2015
If we had it our way, we’d sleep as much as possible:
Me: No kids today. What should we do?
Wife: Take a nap.
Me: Think bigger.
Wife: Take all the naps.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2018
And eat a lot of cheese:
If you’ve ever wondered if you’re getting old, ask yourself this question. Have you ever bought expensive cheese? Therein lies your answer
— the artist formerly known as the Iron Sherk (@TheIronSherk) April 28, 2013
Our perspective has definitely changed:
I overheard someone I am pretty sure was recently a teenager complain about getting old so now I guess these are basically my twilight years
— HRM Queer Elizabeth II (@sallyt) December 15, 2015
We worry about things like skin cancer:
I know I'm getting old because I just saw a group of hot chicks in bikinis and my first thought was "I hope they're wearing sunblock."
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) June 23, 2013
In fact, our brains just work differently now:
My brain function:
75% – song lyrics & movie quotes
24% – random stuff from 20 yrs ago
.05% – what I ate for breakfast yesterday
.05% – huh
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) January 20, 2015
Which is especially fun when you have anxiety:
My favorite hobby is suddenly recalling an upsetting memory and making myself angry for no reason
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) January 19, 2018
While the rest of our body slowly fails us:
I'm not saying I'm old but I just had to increase my font size to "Billboard."
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) September 9, 2015
But to be fair, we’re not always great to our bodies either:
ME AT 25: [drank til 2am, ate cold pizza at 5am, got 3 hours sleep] i feel great, wanna go for a run?
ME AT 35: [stays up slightly past 10pm, eats a larger-than-normal dinner] it's fine if I die today
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 7, 2018
And we tend to forget we’re getting older until we’re painfully reminded:
So You Think You Can Move That Heavy Piece of Furniture Without Hurting Your Back.
-a reality show in your 40s
— The Beckoning (@thebeckyard) May 12, 2017
Sometimes we reminisce about the good old days:
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
— Mmmkay? (@missekay) April 7, 2013
Or when we used to be cool:
In my 20s, I had numbers in my phone like "Adam hot guy from bar" and now I've got names like "Sarah babysitter who stays late" and "Best urgent care."
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) January 17, 2018
But we’ve learned a lot about life:
Me: The world needs more love.
Also me: I hate everybody and everything.
— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) March 13, 2017
And have picked up some wisdom along the way:
I'm honestly starting to think that the secret to real happiness is just being too dumb to realize how terrible everything is.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) February 11, 2017
We’ve learned how to reclaim our time:
The art of living is knowing who to ignore
— @ndiquote (@ndiquote) February 8, 2016
No matter how much time we need:
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) January 13, 2018
While my body slowly surrenders to the power of gravity, and my eyesight gets worse and my joints begin to ache for no reason, I like to remember that I’m wiser than I was a decade ago.
I’ve may have lost my metabolism, but I’ve also lost my patience when it comes to putting up with toxic people in my life. I might have more wrinkles, but I’ve learned to put up with less bullshit. So in the end, aging is pretty fucking awesome.
Besides, I’m finally aging into my salty-ass personality. So get off my lawn and let me listen to my NPR in peace.