I get called out all the time for being an old lady trapped in a 31-year-old’s body. To be fair, I’ve been getting told this since I was about 24. I can’t help it, I just like hanging out at home, where there are no people to step on my new shoes, spill overpriced and watered down drinks on me, or a million guys wearing button-down shirts who think they’re dressed up and having them grind all over me while I’m simply trying to dance. That is not my idea of a good time.
You know what does sound like a good time to me? Eating an early dinner and then binge watching Golden Girls. Does this make me sound like an old lady? Well, yes. Yes, it does.
Does being labeled a 30-something “grandma” bother me though? Absolutely not. In fact, I’m proud that my idea of a good time is snuggling up at home after catching the early bird special.
If this sounds like you, then you too might be a 30-something grandma. I say, embrace that shit. We still know how to have fun, but we’re also home before it’s impossible to get a cab. If you can relate to anything on this list, then welcome to the club. There’s a basket with a knitted blanket, fuzzy socks, tea, and your HBO Go account information coming in the mail.
1. You don’t go out after 9 pm.
I’m not saying that I’m necessarily home by 9 pm, but what I am saying is that if something starts after 9 pm, I’m not going. Why do we need to go out at ten o’clock at night? Like, who decided that would be a good time for a night out to start? Why can’t we have a nice, enjoyable night out that starts at eight? It’s already been dark for several hours by then. If the sun has decided it’s a good idea to go to bed already, why the fuck do I need to be going outside? Nothing good happens after 10 pm. We’re adults now, we don’t need to be at the bar until last call.
2. You knit, crochet, or make other wearable handicrafts.
Lemme explain something to you, friends. It is amazing that you can knit me a beanie and make embroidered, sweary, inspirational pillows. But if it’s something your actual grandma does, you’re a little bit of a grandma. It’s okay though, because I fucking love anyone who will make me mittens.
3. You knowing the CBS primetime lineup.
If you not only know what time each NCIS comes on, but who stars in each one, then you’re probably a grandma. Why? Because those are shows for our parents (my parents literally watch it every week.) If you think Mark Harmon is sexy, and I mean, current Mark Harmon, not 1980s Sexiest Man Alive Mark Harmon, you’re a grandma. Heck, if you even know who Mark Harmon is and you don’t live with someone over the age of 50, you’re a grandma.
4. You have “nice” sweats or pjs.
If you have “going out” pajama pants and actual pajama pants, there’s a good chance you’re at least a little bit of a grandma. I mean, I’m all about comfort, but I’ll only wear pajama pants downstairs to the laundry room in the middle of the day when I know my neighbors aren’t home.
5. You drink tea when you’re not sick.
Let me just say this now: I fucking love tea. I’m also more than willing to admit that unless you’re British, or an 80-year-old woman, tea isn’t trendy. But it’s definitely the far superior beverage, simply because decaffeinated tea is a million times better than decaf coffee. You get bonus points if you have a favorite mug.
6. You have furniture no one can sit on.
What’s the point of having a couch if I can’t plant my ass on it and watch TV?, some people wonder. We ‘grandmas’ know that there is sitting furniture and then there is for-show furniture. (Bonus points if you call that thing you sit on a “davenport.”)
7 .You have fancy china you never use.
See #6. If you have plates and flatware that can only be used when you’re entertaining guests for a dinner party, chances are you’re a little bit of a grandma. Who the fuck entertains like that anymore other than grandmas?
8. You want to literally Netflix and chill.
If you’re idea of fun is putting on your staying in pajamas, popping some popcorn, and sliding into bed with your remote at eight o’clock at night, you’re a fucking grandma. And it’s okay.
Listen, if you’re idea of a wild night is going to bed at nine o’clock in your fuzzy socks to an episode of The Mindy Project, then more power to you, sister. I’m telling you, nothing good happens after 10 pm anyway. We grandmas may get a lot of shit for acting like old ladies, but who is the person who is always there if something happens in the middle of the night? We are. We may be asleep and our phones may be on silent, but we’ll be up bright and early, sipping on our piping hot tea, ready for gossip when you wake up at noon with a hangover.
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