10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

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Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…

Post-Baby-body

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts - trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

Comments

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    • 2

      Angie Murphy says

      I went for a massage not too long ago, the therapist was a young mother of two, and within our conversation about being moms, she said something I will never forget: “You know, when you’re getting busy and your boobs have become two angry pancakes”… I just about fell off the table!

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      • 59

        Violet says

        I always say my boobs look like to eggs when I lie on my back!! LMAO Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way!!!! This made me laugh so hard I think I peed my pants! (and after having children this happens more often than not!!) LOL Got lucky and never had the honors of a vasshole….THANK GOD FOR THAT! But had the honors of being named elastipussy by a family friend! LOL The joys of motherhood, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything! Well maybe new boobs! LOL

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      • 67

        Jennifer says

        My sisters & I compare ours to dogs: my sister with 5 kids says her

        are Bassett hounds, mine are chihuahuas & our younger sister’s are sharpei’s!

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      • 72

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    • 73

      Jamie says

      Gosh call me crazy but it makes me sad to read all of these negative body comments. Maybe I’m not getting the joke?? So I’ll just go out on a limb and say that I like my 3 kid body!! (And just a reminder that all of the saggy or small breasts are healthy good breasts and we should probably be a lot nicer to them.)

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    • 74

      Joey says

      OMG! The brutal truth is hilarious and eye opening. We were on the fence about a second child, my first is 3 months old. Its been hard work but I’ve pretty much sprung back to pre-baby shape after a vaginal birth and breastfeeding. Its taken a lot of exercising and 120 lb weights on the inner thigh machine. Eesh! After reading this I AM OFFICIALLY OFF THE FENCE! We’ll stick to our original “only child” plan. I’m bookmarking this for when I get weak…

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      • 75

        Jenn says

        Oh no, don’t jump to that conclusion! There isn’t a mom on here who would trade one of her kids for any other body in the planet! If you’re already thinking of another one at 3 months you definitely should have more (most of us are so zombie-fied and still remember childbirth too well to think of it that early! Lol!)

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  1. 114

    Brandy says

    Oh my good gravy! That is hilarious! Vasshole is right up there in my new vocab words. (And I did notice the other day that one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. Could it be? The optician said my face was crooked, too. Bitch.)

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  2. 121

    Angie Murphy says

    Read this 15 minutes ago and I am still chuckling to myself (my daughter keeps looking at me weird)… THANK YOU for these posts – these posts that poke fun at this thing called life, namely parenthood. Keep ‘em coming, because they keep me smiling!

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      • 125

        Leslie says

        Took the words right out of my mouth. That ass looks so familiar…

        And “vasshole” OMG, Anna. I didn’t think it was possible, but you just taught me a new v-word. (And I love it!)

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          • 127

            Trish says

            Anna, as a Labor and Delivery nurse for 30 years the correct name for it is vagianus (TIC), but the laypersons term is Vasshole. Just in case you’d like a new V word! .

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          • 129

            Trish says

            Just like vasshole, it is a made up word, but one that my co-horts in obstetrical nursing would recognize it immediately! The pronouncation is Va-ganus…the “i” is silent. I shared your post on facebook and my co-workers have had a blast with it, as have I. Brilliant!!
            :-)

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        • 131

          They Call Me Mummy says

          Leslie – teaching you a new “v” word makes Anna a newly-crowned Jedi.

          Anna – I am howling. HOWLING. As for the eye thing: one isn’t bigger, it just looks that way due to the perpetual twitch, brought on by persistent nerve-twanging by those daaaarling offspring of ours…

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  3. 136

    Amanda says

    Oh my God! I’m almost speechless. Vasshole? Elephant? It’s a good thing they don’t give you a mirror after a C-section. Pregnancy still changes all that business down there, you’re just not given a hand mirror and a high five for doing something awesome at the end of it. I will be using Vasshole and elephant in not-so-polite company before the week is out!

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    • 137

      Marilyn says

      I remember when it was time to get off the delivery table and go have a shower, the firs thing I did was look DOWN. I still have no idea why I did that. I almost fainted and had to lay down for 30 mins. lol

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      • 138

        Chrissy says

        Truly…why? I just pretended nothing had changed below my boobs. Lalala…what…you say I had a traumatic c-section with an incision that was too small for my baby and the doctor (not my doctor…this lady was SATAN in scrubs) pulled him out of it anyway, causing lateral tearing inside and out? What? I can’t heeeeaaarrrr youuuu! Lalala

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  4. 145

    Aimee says

    Oh god. I don’t know where to start. But one of my two babies (born 13 months apart, becoming 3 and 4 of my vasshole stretching regimen) will wake up any moment. So…my boobs don’t look like baby carrots; they’re still a cup size larger than before I ever got pregnant the first time; but they sure don’t sit as high as they used to. Think about driving from Maine to Mexico. DEEP SOUTH. I never looked to see if I had an elephant. I don’t want to know what it looks like. As far as this blog being excellent birth control I agree. I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old (girls). Who both very slowly backed out of the labor room when things started getting intense. I don’t think they’ll be dropping their drawers anytime soon.

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    • 146

      Scarlet says

      During labor one of the nurses started rolling over this huge mirror, asking if I wanted to watch. Um, no. If I’d been meant to see that I’d be that flexible and could do it on my own. I thought I simply said, “No”, but I must have shot her a look that made her quickly retreat with that stupid mirror.

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    • 155

      andrea says

      Are you kidding me? I went from a 7 1/2 to a 9 1/2 over the course of 4 pregnancies. I went up 4 cup sizes but not in a good way, I can literally hide my boobs in my armpits, and I have 2 muffin tops, 1 for my pants and 1 for my panties!

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        • 157

          christina says

          i cant put them under my armpits yet cause i’m still nursing but i’m sure that’s my future. i also have the dreaded doubletop. although unleashed it’s one huge blob that extends the same as the boobs. my 5 yr old tells me all the time how fat i am and she wants me to be “straight”, aka skinny, like her. my 1 yr old likes to play with my rolls while nursing and play find mom’s bellybutton. i feel bad for the manly cause he’s stuck with the postpartum figure. if you can even call it a figure. this post and everyone’s comments are great tho!!!!

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          • 158

            Sasha says

            wow….reading your comment was hilarious.
            P.S. Am a mom to a 2 year old and often wondered whether I just did not take enough care of applying anti-stretch cream on neither my boobs (which looks like an elastic band stretched out of elastic now and all wrinkles!) nor my tummy with a c-scar (an elephant now)

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  5. 163

    Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses's Sh*t says

    OMG! The eye thing, yes! I had someone freak out and check me for a stroke, had to inform them that is just how my eyes look post babies. Sometimes if I get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep I can pass as normal, but that almost never happens.

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