Anna Luther
Latest posts by Anna Luther (see all)
- 10 Tips on How to be a Good Friend - February 26, 2013
- 10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Parts - January 16, 2013
Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…
1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.
2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.
3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.
4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.
5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.
6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.
7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.
8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.
9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole. And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts - trust me.
10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.
{ 511 comments… read them below or add one }
Dying…so, so, so true. Specially #6. I want a boob job.
I went for a massage not too long ago, the therapist was a young mother of two, and within our conversation about being moms, she said something I will never forget: “You know, when you’re getting busy and your boobs have become two angry pancakes”… I just about fell off the table!
I call mine pancakes, too! Angry pancakes sound much more accurate though.
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Mine look more like fried eggs.
“Angry pancakes” I. Am. Dying.
Sitting with my laptop, my poor toddler wants to know what’s wrong because I am laughing so hard I am crying.
Wet Socks…that’s are phrasology!
That is so funny..I thankfully am laughing so hard, but my toddler is sleeping or she would say the same thing!!!
Tears! Tears are streaming down my face I am laughing so heard. That is the best, most accurate description I’ve ever heard.
Angry pancakes!! Hilarious.
I consider them to be more like deflated windsocks…
Remember when we were kids and put a baseball in pantyhose and wacked it against the school walls?
My ta ta’s are now the stretched pantyhose with a
ball at the end of it!
I like to call mine bowling pins… whenever I get out of the shower and dry my legs, they go from angry pancakes to bowling pins, swinging like pendulums of a coo-coo clock!
I. Am. Crying. Laughing so hard. This is genius.
OMG. I am CRYING I am laughing so hard! BTW, all of this sounds so SO like my life-though I would say my boobs would be angry swollen melons or angry saggy medium sized beach balls that have a slow leak. :/
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I would say mine look more like half empty balloons. Not flat, but way too large in all the wrong places, and when I bend over they look like swinging eggplants.
OMG Im dyyyying!! so true!!! Hahahaha its terrible!
Swinging eggplants!!! Hahahahaha!
Hahaha!!! I SOOOOO think the same about mine!
I totally agree! If I bend over the belly and the boobs hang down like they are simply suspended by my skin…so gross!
Angry ziploc bags filled with sand
I laughed so hard, tears ran down my legs!
Well a lot of us moms are laughing until we pee a little!
Hahaha! That is so great!
OMG!!! Not only did #6 crack me up but this made me cry from laughter. My husband insisted I tell him why. He laughed, but not as hard.
hahahahaha- I call mine paddy pancakes. Cause when I lay on my side they look like a flat little pancake laying on the bed! But when I stand then they are just two empty potatoe sacks :(
hahahaha!!! OMG that took me by surprise and the sudden laughter made me pee a little. yet another side effect of childbirth. Also about the vasshole thing – once when I had pneumonia I coughed so hard my tampon shot out like a torpedo…
Can’t. Breathe. Laughing too hard.
Ok, the rest had me laughing, but my cat just shot off my lap, when I read torpedo I barked so loud. Had that happen in a meeting, my first week back at work after mat leave. 5 Men and me. You just reminded me. Thanks for the laugh.
OMG…I am crying!! Absolutely made my day…..
Becca, your response made me laugh SO HARD. I am home alone with my dog & the house is very quiet. I laughed so suddenly & so loudly that my dog just fell down the stairs – honest!!!
This entire entry is brilliant, but this reply made me spit my “thank f&@k for bedtime” wine down the front of my über snazzy jimjams with the holes in and the stains on. Must pour another. Cheers, mamas!
I apologise for spoiling your snazzy jimjams but somewhere deep iside me I just know that you have another pair just like them. We don’t, after all, keep just one set with the designer holes & stains, do we? God, I hope you have more wine…….
Ha! I don’t even have to pull the string anymore. I can pop it out like a baby…
I haven’t laughed this hard in so long. You moms are hilarious.
OMG… I am laughing so hard her at work, I know that someone is going to come in my office and ask me what I am doing… I am about ready to pee my pants!
I have tears streaming down my face! Torpedo – too funny!
My toddler is yelling at me to stop laughing – I CAN’T!!!!
Torpedo. I. cant. even. I’m laughing so much my abs are getting a workout. thanks for both!
OMG!Becca I have used pads my whole life I dislike tampons,I have 4 kids and I am 45 my youngest is 4 my oldest is 23.I recently went somewhere where I needed something and my niece gave me a tampon and I was sick and when I coughed it shot out onto the floor.OMg I can not stop laughing.OUR kids better take good care of us when we are really old!
I think I’m in love with you. LMAO
OMG!!! Hilarious..
Mine look like ziploc baggies with a couple drips of water in them to help the sagging. Some nice new boobies would be delightful!
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I always say my boobs look like to eggs when I lie on my back!! LMAO Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way!!!! This made me laugh so hard I think I peed my pants! (and after having children this happens more often than not!!) LOL Got lucky and never had the honors of a vasshole….THANK GOD FOR THAT! But had the honors of being named elastipussy by a family friend! LOL The joys of motherhood, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything! Well maybe new boobs! LOL
Mine look like two oranges stuck in granny pantyhose, especially when I bend over…..:(
I always thought tennis balls in tube socks, myself. :) Ah, the joys of motherhood!
So I was laughing silently until I read “elastipussy”. Thanks for the chuckle.
I was giggling quietly at my desk until I read “elastipussy” and “swinging eggplants”.
I like to refer to mine as belt boobs. Fitting with the eggplants.
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That. Is. Awesome. :)
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
I want a boob job too…mine look more like empty pitas.
Sitting here trying to imagine what angry pancakes look like, lmaooo. Omg, glad I am not the only one with deflated boobies! lol
Gosh, you’ve made my day. Tears pouring down my face!!! Thank you…..
LMao!!!! TOOOOO FUNNY!
OMG…I have all the same things. I just laughed myself off the chair!!!!
Omg dying – this is pure greatness!!
Vasshole. Thank you c-section.
I may complain about my c-section scar but a Vasshole sounds sooo much worse!!
I will take my C-section scar over a vasshole any day.
Me too!
I’ve got one vasshole and two c-sections. Best of BOTH worlds!
I’ve the c-section scars, call them my railroad tracks…not that they ever see the light of day under the giant muffin top.
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Ahahahaha……I have the whole CAKE!
Told the bestie recently that I obviously over-read Judy Blume’s “Are You There God, it’s Me Margaret” and the sweater exercise because they are deadly weapons. In and out of a bra.
And, I nearly destroyed my computer AND choked to death trying not to spew my drink while reading this list.
Well I guess you could say I hit the Jackpot!
I have a lovely vasshole and C-section scar. :(
Me too! We are special.
No kidding, two c-sections = no vasshole!
I am in the vasshole/c-section scar club, too. :/
Me too! Lucky is right!
I fell asleep on the couch one afternoon only to wake to little hands smooshing my fluffy post-prego belly. Me: what are you two doing with my tummy? Two little monkeys: Making pizza dough Mommy!
yeah.
Oh, by far, the funniest comment yet! This one got the laughter tears flowin’. Gotta love our kids…
I’ve never been so grateful to have only had C-sections. “Vasshole” imagery is going to haunt my dreams now!
Trust me – my giant vasshole haunts my husband’s dreams too!
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
Very true. My hubby was horrified as he watched them cut me front to back. Love making light of all this! :-)
Me too!! count me down for 4 c-sections, but no vasshole… :)
Unfortunately some of us have c-section scars and vassholes… ugh!
Yep, I’d choose my c-section scars over a vasshole any day!
Scars!!!oh my god I have so many that my belly looks like the sign of ” ZORO”
No kidding, two c-sections = no vasshole!
Two c-sections, and thankfully no muffin top! Otherwise…dead on!
This is all so incredibly true, funny and heartbreaking at the same time.
Oh my god, yes! #4 – mine is less of a muffin top, more of a ziploc bag full of cottage cheese. So very, very sexy.
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I don’t think I can eat cottage cheese anymore. Or carrots… :)
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
How about eggplant? Muffins? I am laughing so hard reading this that I’m scared I’ll pee in my pants!
Oats porridge in a string bag…
Lmao! True!
Oh my good gravy! That is hilarious! Vasshole is right up there in my new vocab words. (And I did notice the other day that one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. Could it be? The optician said my face was crooked, too. Bitch.)
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Ugh! Bitch is right!
LMAO!
I’m pretty sure the reason for the one eye larger than the other is from the constant quirking of that eye at one of the children or husband because of something ridiculous they’ve done.. but that is of course just my opinon haha… also don’t forget the laying on the back and all of a sudden it looks like your armpits are trying to smuggle semi-deflated airbags… (or maybe that’s just me)
LMFAO @ Vasshole & ELEPHANT!! THESE ARE THE THINGS OUR MOTHERS NEVER TELL US ABOUT HAVING BABIES
Yeah, a heads up would have been nice, huh?
but then they may have never had grandchildren!
Read this 15 minutes ago and I am still chuckling to myself (my daughter keeps looking at me weird)… THANK YOU for these posts – these posts that poke fun at this thing called life, namely parenthood. Keep ‘em coming, because they keep me smiling!
Thanks Angie! :)
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
Omg! Vasshole?! LOL and where did you get a picture of my ass?
I think we’re identical twins!
Took the words right out of my mouth. That ass looks so familiar…
And “vasshole” OMG, Anna. I didn’t think it was possible, but you just taught me a new v-word. (And I love it!)
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THIS is my proudest moment ever! I taught YOU a new v-word? I didn’t think it was possible!
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
Anna, as a Labor and Delivery nurse for 30 years the correct name for it is vagianus (TIC), but the laypersons term is Vasshole. Just in case you’d like a new V word! .
How do I pronounce that?
Anna @ My Life and Kids recently posted..Say Goodbye to Your Bathroom Audience
Just like vasshole, it is a made up word, but one that my co-horts in obstetrical nursing would recognize it immediately! The pronouncation is Va-ganus…the “i” is silent. I shared your post on facebook and my co-workers have had a blast with it, as have I. Brilliant!!
:-)
OMG Trish- your introduction of “vagianus” started a whole new burst of laughter, and snarfed tea!
omg as a nursing mom of a 16 months old who thinks i’m a fast food joint she knows where the “fridge’ is and knwos to lift my shirt i loved no. 6!
Hahahaha I’m in the same boat!!
I was smiling until I got to #4, then I LITERALLY laughed out loud. Thanks for the morning chuckle. Now I’m off to go work on ridding my body of my muffin top.
I’ve only had one baby and I relate to this all too well.
Oh my God! I’m almost speechless. Vasshole? Elephant? It’s a good thing they don’t give you a mirror after a C-section. Pregnancy still changes all that business down there, you’re just not given a hand mirror and a high five for doing something awesome at the end of it. I will be using Vasshole and elephant in not-so-polite company before the week is out!
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I remember when it was time to get off the delivery table and go have a shower, the firs thing I did was look DOWN. I still have no idea why I did that. I almost fainted and had to lay down for 30 mins. lol
oh my god woman
you kill me
the vah jay jay does get ugly doesn’t it?
and i did not give birth
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My husband has a srange image after child birth. Says it looks like ” a sad old. Man “.
Oh no! I got a wax and I thought, “plucked chicken.”
HAHAH, OH, MY GOSH KUB! I literally just peed (proud mother of an extremely handsom 2 year old)!
Oh god. I don’t know where to start. But one of my two babies (born 13 months apart, becoming 3 and 4 of my vasshole stretching regimen) will wake up any moment. So…my boobs don’t look like baby carrots; they’re still a cup size larger than before I ever got pregnant the first time; but they sure don’t sit as high as they used to. Think about driving from Maine to Mexico. DEEP SOUTH. I never looked to see if I had an elephant. I don’t want to know what it looks like. As far as this blog being excellent birth control I agree. I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old (girls). Who both very slowly backed out of the labor room when things started getting intense. I don’t think they’ll be dropping their drawers anytime soon.
During labor one of the nurses started rolling over this huge mirror, asking if I wanted to watch. Um, no. If I’d been meant to see that I’d be that flexible and could do it on my own. I thought I simply said, “No”, but I must have shot her a look that made her quickly retreat with that stupid mirror.
When I gave birth the first time there was a wall mirror directly across from the bed. As soon as I saw it I made the doctor cover it up with a towel. I did not want to see that!
Oh dear God that’s wrong!
I had to throw out all my awesome size 7 shoes because after my pregnancy I am officially a size 7 1/2. Sigh.
Me too. Mine have gone from a 7 to a solid 8, and occasionally an 8 1/8 if they run small.
8 1/2
I also went up half a shoe size post pregnancy.
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8 to a 9.5. Plus a lot wider. My hubby said if we kept having babies my feet would eventually become as wide as they are long. Like an elephant.
Are you kidding me? I went from a 7 1/2 to a 9 1/2 over the course of 4 pregnancies. I went up 4 cup sizes but not in a good way, I can literally hide my boobs in my armpits, and I have 2 muffin tops, 1 for my pants and 1 for my panties!
I can so relate!
i cant put them under my armpits yet cause i’m still nursing but i’m sure that’s my future. i also have the dreaded doubletop. although unleashed it’s one huge blob that extends the same as the boobs. my 5 yr old tells me all the time how fat i am and she wants me to be “straight”, aka skinny, like her. my 1 yr old likes to play with my rolls while nursing and play find mom’s bellybutton. i feel bad for the manly cause he’s stuck with the postpartum figure. if you can even call it a figure. this post and everyone’s comments are great tho!!!!
OMG! The eye thing, yes! I had someone freak out and check me for a stroke, had to inform them that is just how my eyes look post babies. Sometimes if I get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep I can pass as normal, but that almost never happens.
Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses’s Sh*t recently posted..2013
AMEN! I thought I was the only one left looking like Popeye! ;) (and that’s not a wink, that’s my normal expression!) Why the flop does that happen???? I demand a medical explanation!!!
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omg so thats what happened to my damn eye LOL if i dont have enough sleep my eye looks soo weird and definitely have a vasshole lol after 3 vaginal births,stitches with the first tears with 2nd n 3rd sh%ts bound to get messy lol glad thats not on display like my EYE lol
SOOOO true! Maybe it’s just a lack of sleep thing?
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I’m just gonna add, thank GOD for Instagram, I can usually find at least 1 filter that makes my eye look normal in any picture :)
Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses’s Sh*t recently posted..Listen to my WORDS!!!!
what the hell is “2 consecutive hours of sleep”!?!
Yeah that’s right I am now vasshole girl. I would say fuck me but apparently I have to wait until the stitches dissolve.
OMFG!! Too funny!
#8 is me all the way!! My mom is going on vacation. I told her not to die, because I have nothing to wear to her funeral if she does. She laughed, but I am completely serious. I’d have to shop, tuck in the tags, and then return it all later.
i wouldn’t be able to return them. i’ve been sweating like a whore in church since my last pregnancy so they would be too drenched! anyone else super sweaty now?
I’m not super sweaty, but if I skip washing my hair for even one day, it gets uber greasy and gross.
vasshole. omg, dying. also everything happens you don’t want to have happen when you’re out alone with three kids.
Same eye thing after my third child!
Sitting here recovering from a hysterectomy, not supposed to be putting any stress on my body, I am cracking up about vasshole and the eye,I may bust a stitch but worth it to learn my favorite new word .nothing more fun than a vageroid on your vasshole!
VAGEROID!! bwahahahahaha…
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
I still don’t get the vasshole could you explain please
Phil, there’s a definition in the “urban dictionary” -
VASSHOLE. The fusion of anus and vagina by means of massive insertion.
Or “exertion” in this case lololol
Precisely LOL
I have 4… Somehow genetics have saved me from all of the above except shriveled carrots. I don’t even want to take my bra off in the shower!
I hear ya. Except for having an AA or less size chest, I’m in great shape after 5 kids! I have a 6 pack abs, perky butt, oh yah, and a varicose vein… :(
Thank you. I am not alone. And I don’t think I have laughed that hard and loudly in quite sometime. Too bad it was at work and I had the evil eye thrown at me from many directions.
HOLY SHIT. VASSHOLE. That might be the best word. EVER.
OMG! Vasshole!!
I now know that I can just say that hole A. and hole V. became one torn open Vasshole.
Floppy belly? Sexy when I’m on my back. Looks flat. Trying to get dirty on your hands and knees? WHY I’d love a saggy floppy mess of skin slapping my pancakes while I try to be sexy! Said no one. Ever.
Thanks for the laugh!
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floppy belly=soggy bread dough….especially immediately after birth….
The eyeball had me laughing out loud. The elephant would have been funny had I not known EXACTLY what you were talking about. Thankfully, it’s just the ears and not the trunk.
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OMG-you kill me! No trunk!
This is hilarious, but it’s actually funnier when you read it out loud to your husband. Try it.
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Oh my gosh – you’re a brave woman. I have told my husband he’s not allowed to read this. He already lives it…
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
I tried he gagged out as I was explaining…and I was dying laughing away. This stuff is hilarious
OMG…#7 I can totally relate and have been driving myself crazy as to why my right eye appears smaller or saggier and just all around different from my left. So happy that someone else experiences this.
freaking hilarious!!! Might I add my inability to hold my pee (I piddle in my pants ALOT), my adult-onset 12 year-old boy acne, the fact that after breastfeeding I no longer have ANY feeling in my boobies…aka…no fun for me when hubby wants to play with them. Oh and how about my sadface belly button. What’s with that?
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I was going to comment on the post but you said everything I was thinking! Gotta love that you can’t jump, cough, laugh, sneeze or hell even stand up without having to run to the bathroom holding yourself like a 2 year old. And the acne is wonderful, its so backwards before kids I could leave the house without makeup if I wanted to but didn’t because I had all the time in the world to decorate my face. Now I have no time to do my makeup but desperately need to so I can cover up all the damn hormonal acne and wonderful raccoon eyes.
YES! I have the sad face belly button too!! I have a whole set of sad faces. I bounced back easily and fast from first pregnancy (at 19) but then 12yrs later at 31 I have twins by C-section and got the saggy sad face belly too :( And my boobs, well after breastfeeding the twins the are very saggy half-deflated water balloons with very little feeling except at PMS time, ugh!
I haven’t had any kids (wasn’t able to), but I’m here to tell you ladies, a lot would have happened anyway! After I had an early hysterectomy, I have the pancake boobs with no feeling, the pizza dough stomach, the elephant ears labia, the panty muffin top… The only thing I was spared was the vasshole, although I think I have had a vassroid! (I thought it was a tumor!) LOL
Oh I’m in the same boat there. I pee my pants so much after childbirth that when my water broke with my second, I thought I was just peeing my pants! So I just worked through the day :/ Oops.
I thought it was just me. But I have none of the good feeling that I used to have in my breasts either. They don’t get firm during sex like they used to. Annoying.
Great article. I’M glad to hear that I’m not the only one with a bigger eye. I was talking about it with my husband the other day. Never heard of this post child “left over”…
Hilarious, even with a 14-year-old…all these ring true. I’m CRYING right now. I thought I was the only one with a weird eye! I swear, I told someone the other day that I think my eyelid got fat! So glad I’m not alone. Also, for the record – the woman in the picture is beautiful. NOTHING wrong with that picture.
Oh my goodness! I love you! I think you just crawled inside my head. I am so happy to know I am not the only Mommy out there that feels this way. My friends say things like, “oh, I can’t imagine life without them”, or “I don’t remember what life was like without my kids”,….and I think, really? You can’t imagine sitting on a beach, sipping a frozen drink, enjoying a good book? Or you can’t remember when you actually put on clothes that didn’t have an elastic waistband, wore makeup on a daily basis, and had something called “friends”,….because I can!
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Oh, I so agree with you. I get sick of people spouting that nonsense to me. “Your life wouldn’t be the same without them” Really????? I wouldn’t have guessed that. You mean I could get a full night of uninterrupted sleep & only have to do washing once a week.
I have three kids too. I can relate. And I only recently realized one of my eyes is bigger than the other. I swear it hasnt alwAys been. Wtf? It bugs me and I hate it! Is having kids honestly to blame?!?
I think it is – that and lack of sleep…
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
Awesome list! I’d add: my read end and my shoe size.
Add a #11 to the list … loss of bladder control while in a coughing fit. My kids are letting me borrow their pull ups.
Oh yes and the catch you off guard sneeze that sends you running for the bathroom and for a new pair of underwear.
I really do NOT like this article at all. I usually love the articles, but this one is a miss. As a mom, this is almost insulting. No, my body is not the same, but I have certainly not just let everything go like this person has. I think it is terrible when women give up on taking care of themselves after having a child. You are not setting a good example for your children if you don’t take care of yourself. I wear acceptable clothes, I wear makeup, and I work out. I’m a thin mom, even though I gained 60 lbs while I was pregnant. When I can afford it, I will get some work done. This is not funny, it’s gross. I respect myself too much to laugh at this.
Wow… lighten up a little. Seriously. I’m so glad to hear your body is perfect, your vajayjay pristine and your boobs perky. For the rest of us, nah it might not be THAT bad… But don’t your flaws appear THAT bad when you’re inspecting?? O but then again I forget, you work out and wear make up – flaws, what flaws?
Geez Louise, get over yourself lol
No, I don’t inspect my flaws, which I do have. I love my body despite them. I NEVER said that I didn’t, did you not see that I said that I need some work done on my body. I do, indeed, have working boobs. I think it’s terrible when women give up on themselves, particularly their clothes. It’s not funny when it happens, it’s embarrassing. So now I think I’m perfect because I take care of myself? Bullshit.
If you loved your body you wouldn’t think you needed work done.
I agree, if she “loved” her body as she claims then there would be no need to get “work done” on it. She was probably one of those cheerleaders who was stuck on herself in high school and is the same way now, thinking she is better then everyone else. Lighten up miss perfect boobs.
Come on Rachel….it’s not about giving up on your body, it’s about being able to laugh at yourself in any situation. Even when nature is against you!
You get it! Our flaws always look worse to us than other people. Someone needs to lighten up…. Do they have plastic surgery for that too?
Personality surgery?
Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?! I can think of more than one person I’d send off for that!
No doubt!
I agree. She definitely let herself go. It’s not that hard to find exercises to get rid of those varicose veins. Injections cures the shriveled up boobs, too. Let’s not even talk about how a good moisturizer can get her eyes back to the same shape … probably her vagina, too. Plus, what kind of example is she setting her kids by not beating them into submission when she needs to have a bowel movement?
Good luck with getting “some work done.” I can recommend a good hypnotherapist for you to get your sense of humor back.
Are wearing mom jeans funny now too?
Yep. They are.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Secret Exposed: Twins are synonymous with easy-peasy
Mom Jeans have ALWAYS been funny. Pardon me, I have to go iron my pleats.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted..Find A Penny, Pick It Up, All Day Long, A Baby Will Try to Choke on It.
LOL! Bethany you just totally cracked me up.
Hahaha
Sweetheart. Honey. Darling. For the love of all things holy, lighten up. If you go through life this uptight, no amount of make up will cover those stress lines.
HouseTalkN recently posted..12 Days of Findings…Take 12!
You. Are. Hilarious.
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
Would getting “work done” to our bodies be setting a good example to our children?
Exactly. When did going under the knife become a good example to teach our kids? You must not love your body too much if you’re willing to take the risk of elective surgery. When you’re getting your boobs done, could you ask them to fix your funny bone too?
Jen at PIWTPITT.com recently posted..The Makers of the iPad Toilet
AMEN, sister!
Leslie recently posted..Hey kids, don’t stick your tongues in there, m’kay?
Calm the hell down. You don’t know the life experiences some of these ladies have gone through.
Are you a physician or just a Vasshole?
I am cracking up because you obviously don’t know Anna. She is hilarious and this is a HUMOR piece. Even though it wouldn’t matter, she is thin and beautiful and is MAKING A JOKE.
Kelley recently posted..My Take On Top Chef Seattle: "Restaurant Wars" (Alternate title: WOULD YOU EAT A BALUT??)
You need to lighten up. This post not only made me laugh but made me feel better that it isn’t just me that have jacked up legs and more than I bargained for downstairs.
HA! LOVE your name here! :)
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
AWESOME NAME!!!!! oh jeez – can’t breathe but can’t stop reading… and now I have to go check my damn eyes because I’m scared one is bigger…
Lighten up! No one is as thin, as perky, as cute as they were pre-kids. It just isn’t possible. It isn’t a bad thing. Just something we all have to accept.
So, what exactly do you want her to do about some of the changes that took place because of the childbirth process? You SERIOUSLY need to go find your sense of humor. You have either misplaced it or it has been stolen.
I don’t think she EVER had a sense of humour!!
right on! I also agree that who’s ever butt that is in the picture should be proud!!
Way to go and shit on a funny and enjoyable thread, Rachel. Blah, blah, blah…take it to another forum where there are more anorexic, vain, body-image addicted, alien Mom’s with pickles up their skinny asses. We like and accept ourselves here, vassholes and all. We are overjoyed that you and your life are perfect. Please go respect yourself somewhere else…we’d like to continue laughing till we pee ourselves :) Cheers!
Nice. I say my opinion and get attacked and accused of things I’ve never done. I didn’t attack anyone personally and now I am getting ganged up on. If you don’t agree with what I said there is a nice way to go about saying it. I didn’t like this article because I felt like it overgeneralized women who have had children, and not in a positive way. That is my opinion. As an active member of SM I felt like I needed to say something. I believe in being healthy and that we need to take that very seriously. I hope it feels good to be added to the group of people who pick on other people. It’s so easy to say exactly what we think over the internet because there aren’t direct consequences. We can’t see that there are real people on the other side of the screen. You don’t know anything about me or my personal life and most of these comments assume something about me personally as if you know me.
“I didn’t attack anyone personally and now I am getting ganged up on.”
*scrolls up*
“No, my body is not the same, but I have certainly not just let everything go like this person has… This is not funny, it’s gross.”
Bam. Specifically stated that she is gross, and it’s her own fault, seeing as how she’s too lazy to get back into shape…. presumably by “wear[ing] acceptable clothes… wear[ing] makeup, and… work[ing] out”.
I have a feeling that “acceptable clothes” and makeup aren’t going to fix her vasshole. Or varicose veins. Or vajayjay, or eyes. And working out may or may not fix the stomach/butt/boobs issue… but that’s not true for some women, it’s a body-to-body basis. Some people are just… lucky… that way. Also, considering that this woman has four children, I doubt spending money on an entirely new wardrobe and makeup, or plastic surgeries, is high on her list of priorities.
“I have certainly not just let everything go like this person has. I think it is terrible when women give up on taking care of themselves after having a child. You are not setting a good example for your children if you don’t take care of yourself.”
No, that’s not personal at all.
“I believe in being healthy and that we need to take that very seriously.”
How does wearing make up and “having work done” make you healthy, incidentally?
If you want people to like you, try not being spiteful and sanctimonious. Because you won’t be pretty forever (if you ever were).
I agree. This is not funny. It’s actually pretty disgusting. I was so surprised at all the positive comments that I did a search for the word “disgusting”. I am 25 lbs heavier than I was pre-baby and I actually like my new curves. Yes, sometimes I feel I could tighten up those curves a bit but jesus! Do some freaking 8-minute abs or kegels or something!
I was a full-time student who worked a full-time job while taking care of 2 children by myself. You know what I did? I got a freaking Taebo video and did it for 30 minutes after the kids’ bedtime. Yeah, bedtime (you’re the parent – make it happen).
Tossing your boob to the back? Why not do some kegels while you’re passing it around so that you don’t cough/sneeze/laugh a tampon out?? That’s so freaking gross! Seriously? Why would you even share that??
It’s called a joke… Did having kids suck the humor out of you?
Don’t be a hooker Rachel. One day you’ll have eggplants too. Beeeeotch!
How does anyone with small children have time to exercise?!?! By the time I *TRY* to keep the house clean and our family clean, dressed and well-fed, I have NO ENERGY LEFT whatsoever. It’s not like any of us are sleeping an uninterrupted 8 hours a night. And, if I push it, and work out anyway, I regret it so much…. Being a full-time mom is almost more of a work-out than I can handle.
I respect myself too much to “get some work done”. I love myself too much for that.
i’m for the milfs….lets get weird
I thought this was hilarious! BTW, I call my boobs a marble in a tube sock. And the eye thing? Happened here too. We call it “Pirating” as in “Aaagh, Matey, look at me squinty eye!”
anna see recently posted..Food for the Body and Soul
OMG, I am DYING over here. This has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Thank you for the laugh!!!!
Dani Ryan recently posted..HELP! My mom locked me in the car!
Thanks Dani! :)
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
I’m not the first to say this bit OMG VASSHOLE!!!!! I am crying.
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Rachel…Get over yourself. If you don’t have enough sense of humor to chuckle at this then I feel sorry for you. If you would have taken the time to look at Anna’s blog instead of judging her so harshly, you would see that she is gorgeous and thin! Life is too short to take things so seriously, honey.
2 thumbs up!
That’s really nice of you ladies – my vasshole says thank you! :)
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
I think I just about shot some pasta out of my nose here. All of this is so hilarious. Too bad so much of it is true.
I’ll never forget the first time I tried spicing up my married sex life by doing some ladyscaping. I was horrified to discover I had a stretch mark on my pubic bone. What, the saggy deflated balloon skin over my abdomen wasn’t bad enough I had stretch marks there too?
My Half Assed Life recently posted..The Asshats And A Barbecue Igniter
oh, good! someone else has a stretch mark there! i thought i was the only one….does anyone else have their perineum throb when they are standing too long?
Oh no – do I need to go back down there with a hand mirror and look for stretch marks? I don’t think I’m up for it…
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
What about the “FUPA”. Definition.- Fat, Upper, Puss area.
Omg Jera, I laughed so hard I scared my French bulldog sleeping beside me! I have to remember FUPA! That is stinkin hilarious! And thanks to all of the comments they’ve all been good!
FUPA bwahahaha
brilliantly put
onSanity recently posted..New Beginnings
I refer to my boobs (not lovingly, either) as mosquito bites. Assholes. And you’re right about 10:00 being like some sort of cosmic cut-off. Shit, it’s 9:49, I’m almost a pumpkin. Husband, talk quick, buddy; I’m about to pass out midsentence because my time among the awake is up.
Arnebya recently posted..Wanna See My Butt?
My 18 year old daughter used to make fun of me because my boobs sagged and here’s were nice and perky. She recently had a baby and now her boobs are starting to sag. It’s the funniest thing ever she got revenge on herself for me lol!!! We started talking about the vajayjay area one day and she told me she had never looked at. I made her go rite then and look at it, she came back horrified lmao. I wonder what she thinks of it now that she’s had a baby!!
Vasshole – oh honey . . .I feel for you.
You know what has gotten bigger on me are my shoulders – probably from carrying around five kids, groceries, laundry, everyone’s shit. I feel like I look like a linebacker. Just call me broad back. :( And man arms.
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted..How to Sleep-Train A Toddler in 30 Easy Steps
OMG! I just ran into my boss’s office and made her pull this up so I could read it out loud to her. She laughed so hard she snorted/shot coffee out of her nose. THANK YOU for our new favorite word, VASSHOLE!
Vasshole? I have had 2 kids both vaginal and i can honestly say the only ones i have are my legs and belly. Thats it.
This is just perfect and hilarious! And I’m incredibly happy to have a new favorite word: vasshole. Thanks for that and the entertainment to get my day started off right. I’ll think of this and laugh whenever I feel like crying over my boobs, which, unlike yours did not dry and shrivel but instead dropped to my navel. Sexy!
Toulouse recently posted..The Top 5 Baby Toys Of All Time.
Lmao thanks for the ab work out
OMG this is Hilarious and Simply Brilliant!!!! I can slowly see myself identifying more and more with all of these. As a fairly new stay at home mom of a 17 month old I am currently fighting to not completely slip into the abyss of all 10 of the aforementioned post baby nightmares!
Well, I’m certainly going to croon sweet nothings to my thrice-over c-section scar. “Shhhh, darling, at least we don’t have a vasshole.”
Hats off, Anna. To you and your sad elephant.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Secret Exposed: Twins are synonymous with easy-peasy
I am crying and laughing at the same time. The dog is looking at me like I lost my mind! Love it, love it, love it! “Vasshole”, ye gods, I’m hysterical!
OH MY LORD, I’m lizzing, craughing and possibly sharting over this post! Sooo funny-cuz-it’s-sad-but-true! You are not alone.
In my roll of the magic 8-ball of pregnancy, I avoided anything varicose and instead landed on “Teeth shifted.” NOT better. I have to, on top of having adult acne, get BRACES to fix them! Not invisalign, oh no, that’s too easy. UGH! Yeah, yeah, the kids are worth it. I mean, so far. But they’re still babies :)
Thanks for the laughs!
I’m writing this from the bathroom cause it takes a while to produce a pellet of poop. When I get done writing I’ll pluck the mini-forest that grows on my lip and chin.
Love it! Funny as hell!
Pfffttttt…. good luck with that!
Anna @ My Life and Kids recently posted..Say Goodbye to Your Bathroom Audience
I shave my lip and chin, because the pain of plucking the forest there was just too much! Oh and I tried grooming the puss and was shocked and saddened to find the pantie muffins that had been hiding there… Anxiously awaiting puss forest regrowth!
Dying here lol
My eldest daughter sent this to me wanting to know why I haven’t shared any of these with her (they are planning on having children soon, I hope!) I was sitting in the store parking lot laughing and crying so hard as I read each of these! I told my daughter she was the one that caused my Vasshole! Lord did I ever need a good laugh today!
I got a similar phone call from my shy sister in law when she had her daughter. She wanted to know why I didn’t warn her about the vag fat!
Oh so funny. Poor you but would have loved to see your daughters face when you told her that “she caused your vasshole”.
Oh, my goodness, it’s good to know none of us are alone. LOL!
You’re the first other mom Ive ever met to have had one eye change after pregnancy!!!! Noone else sees it except for people who I might challenge to put eyeliner on me now.lol Ive googled and found nothing about this though….
VASSHOLE, for the WIN! Anna, you hit this one out of the park. Homerun.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted..Find A Penny, Pick It Up, All Day Long, A Baby Will Try to Choke on It.
I finally got my tummy tuck! Its a start!
I’m so sorry; I know I am going to sound like an asshole. But this is gross. You can say all the beautiful things you want about child birth, and how every stretch mark is worth it. But this is exactly why men want to cheat.
Love or not, physical attraction is real.
Get a c section…. ELEPHANT VAGINA, OMG!!!
I think we all know that if men were the ones giving birth? Reconstructive surgery would be part of the included insurance plan.
RIght?!?! Seriously.
Carrie recently posted..25 Writing Prompts
If you are a man – why are you reading this. Childbirth is not something most men want to know about or read about, especially the after shocks!
Men who cheat do so because they have a terrible case of asshole-itis and not because of their wife’s stretch marks or vagina.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted..Find A Penny, Pick It Up, All Day Long, A Baby Will Try to Choke on It.
If men had to give birth, there would be fewer unwanted children in the world. Real men love their women before and after birth, for who they are, not what they look like. I bet you are single…
Really?? Men want to cheat because their wife got stretch marks after giving birth to their child?? Get a c-section; yeah because your vagina doesn’t change if you have c-sections? I have had two c-sections and I can tell you that as I have gotten older (something that all women do, we age) my vagina and the shape of it has changed. You sir, are not a real man! My husband loves me stretch marks and all. He loves me even though my vagina don’t look like what it did when I was 18 and my boobs don’t look like what they did when I was 18. However, I have had two of his children and I have aged, so he doesn’t expect me to look like or be in the same shape I was in when I was a teenager. I wouldn’t give you so much credit either by calling yourself a asshole…you are a douche-bag!
YEAH Tabitha!
Is horrible man aware that his balls will sag just as much as our breasts do and there will be hair sprouting from EVERYWHERE on his nasty judgemental body?
Now we know uptight Rachel’s problem. . . . . she is married to horrible man!
LOL
He probably doesn’t look anything like he did when he was 18 either!!! I guess that’s why women cheat too!!! He is definitely a loser!!
definitely loser! probably has NO idea that his hairy little balls sag and his beer belly is NOT sexy!
Okay honey. I’ll volunteer to have major surgery performed on my stomach just as soon as you agree to pay for the tummy tuck, the nanny to take care of our toddler when I’m recovering, the boob job, varicose vein treatment, and gym membership with childcare included. I’m 28 and have two small children. I look pretty much the same as I did pre-kids as long as I keep my clothes on. Taking care of yourself only gets you so far. The rest requires surgical intervention and that’s gonna cost ya.
Yeah, you’re an asshole. Uh, congrats?
I thought the original post was hilarious. My wife has given birth to 2 beautiful kids (both via C-Sec) and she worries a lot more about the “angry pancakes” than I do. Physical attraction is indeed real, but it’s not the reason men (or women) cheat – it’s the asshole factor. So, I guess you’ve got that going for you…
FWIW, ladies – the terms MILF and Yummy Mummy exist for a reason. Experience and confidence are sexy. Also, check your own assumptions when looking at the picture of the bum at the top of the page. I assume it’s being presented as an “after” picture or some kind of a representation of what is supposedly undesireable. In truth it’s not – curves are good. :)
Bwahahahaha.as if men need an excuse to cheat ! You ever looked in a mirror buddy ?
A man who doesn’t want his wife anymore after she’s had his children won’t want her when she gets old either. No big loss, in my opinion.
We all change. We all get old. Men don’t get any sexier with time either, you know, women are just more tactful.
Um, I had stretch marks from my first pregnancy and my man (who I met when my child was 3) loves me and thinks I’m beautiful regardless! That’s not the reason MEN cheat, that’s the reason ASSHOLES cheat! And you, yourself, said you are one.
You Sir are a Vasshole!!!!
It’s called the “mom eye”. It gives us the ability to give them death stares to our children when needed…lol!
maybe that’s why we get it! the one-eye don’t-even-think-about-it look makes the muscles on that eye bigger…
Too funny. Laughed until I couldn’t read anymore because I was crying…lol.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..Back To School Today
have appt with urogynocologist for surgery to have entire vasshole region reconstructed. am so excited it’s ridiculous. but occasional uncontrollable farting as I walk across a room and peeing every time I sneeze, cough, laugh, our lift something heavy? enough is enough!
While your having your vasshole fixed, get a sling placed. Cures the pee problem! Broke down and had it done after peeing all over the floor at work while laughing! New nickname is Pee- dog!
OMW! This had me holding my stomach with laughter!! Thanks for making my day. I’ll definately keep this in mind when I’m having a shitty day!
Genius!! #3 is all too real for me but my childess friends just don’t get it. I wish they had nightclubs for parents that opened at 7pm & closed at midnight!
My Son (age 8) actually suggested I do that to feed the baby!!!
Thank you for the laugh at reality! I certainly needed it this morning
I’m definitely not having a third one if it makes my eyes go all crooked!
Two vaginally birthed, breast fed babies was enough for me anyway!
OMG. O.M.G. I am dying over here.
Thanks for the honesty – I can relate (to the post-baby body parts, not the honesty – I am still pretending my boobs are more cantaloupe/less carrot – denial is a powerful thing).
Carrie recently posted..25 Writing Prompts
Good lord this is oh so sadly true.
Clothes especially – when I get dressed in the morning I worry that a “What Not to Wear” crew will be following me around. With good reason too!
OMG I am dying over here!
I have the eye thing too, its like the third kid is the one that breaks the camels back!
“a giant, weary elephant”
“vassholes”
“sharts”
Thank you. THANK YOU. The truth is both hilarious and painful.
Hmm, maybe I’ll stop at one baby…. Though I still have large if not full breasts and, I might sound crazy, would gladly have them shrink to hideous nothingness!
I can relate to this. I feel like I could break my nose if I were to jump without a bra on. It’s always been bad, but my poor boobs dropped an extra few inches after my daughter lol
The only thing I was able to escape is the vasshole, it’s the only direction I didn’t tear.
Having a child is worth everything posted above, but I still had a laugh at this article. It’s nice to be able to poke fun at yourself once in a while :)
LMAO!!
I used to feel this way too!! Until i started using these crazy all Natural Body wraps!!
I feel in love with them – made all my friends try them, and now I sell them!
check out my Facebook page for before and after pics!
https://www.facebook.com/NaturalWrapz
Too funny I do have to say I went up a few cup sizes after birth and having weaned 2 years ago they are still pretty perky and stayed the same from nursing. But in exchange I have a Cake top. :( and sure I would love to work out, but my kids Never Sleep. And I looked too at my vagina after I just had a baby. Big misake. Very scarry
That was the funniest thing i’ve ever read. Yes us moms can ALL relate to this and we do our best to look good but dam her facts are soooo true!! Ur my hero lol!!!
omg this is hilarious!!!
I like my body now more then back then. I look better now, well with clothing on. I do somewhat agree with the breasts, but I say that mine started out as 2 large balloons, went to 2 extra large ones when I had kids, and now, they are just deflated like a balloon left for 2 weeks on end. My stomach looks great, well except the flame job running from my crotch to just above the belly button. But it’s fading and harder to see. I was against plastic surgery until I gave birth and now want my pre-baby body back. I understand why rich people do it now.
What about the oh-so-lovely hemorrhoids? What used to be a wonderful time in my life has become the most dreaded couple of minutes of my day.
Yes! Thank you for bringing up the hemorrhoid issue, ugh! Such horribleness :-(. After dealing with them for more then 20 months pp, I finally gave in and had a GI doc do a “banding” procedure. Not so fun, but did the trick. Only, now I’m 12wks pregnant with #2 and so pregnancy constipation, ugh, such a PITA (pain in the ass)! LOL!
MamaE recently posted..What’s Next For Me….
Hahaha glad someone else brought up the hemorrhoids!! This is hilarious!!! Makes me wonder why I want another again?! Lol and I SO have the eye thing!!! Thanks for an awesome laugh. Hahaha
Oh goodness. I laughed so hard at the part about your ‘carrots’. And then I read it a few more times and kept laughing every time.
vasshole. completely awesome.
i honestly have thought about every last one these issues post child…thanks so much for not leaving me think i was all alone out there. i laughed out loud.
Simply said I read this at work and out loud laughed at this to the point of I couldn’t breath and I crying in hysterics.
darn, having had c-sections, I missed out on the fun of a vasshole. Who knew????!!!!! Thanks for the laugh. My husband who is sitting across from me at the table, just said I confirmed for him, that I am in fact crazy!
omg. i have no words.
i have a vasshole, too. AND a c-section scar. joy of joys.
you rocked this post, sister! love you for being real and sharing this here!
xoxo
erin margolin recently posted..In My Next Life
I need to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Up until about 15 minutes ago was having a bad day. I am still giggling like a five year old little girl!! I’m glad I am not alone!! Lol
I love you. I have never laughed so hard in. my. life. EVER.
you should do sex-ed in schools! i always said that if they brought a woman in 2 weeks after giving birth and let young girls get a look at how ones body changes, there would be a whole lot less teen pregnancy lol.
I sat grinning in a kind of crazed horror and sat up two inches higher as I clenched through this whole thing. Brilliant.
Amanda recently posted..One
The boobs! Yeah, I can nurse the baby when she’s next to me in bed – and I’m lying flat on my back. So what? Flat, flexible boobs fold up for easy storage – people with nice boobs can’t say that!
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Surprising Rites of Passage
Omg…I read this a few minutes ago and I am still dying over here! This HAS to be the funniest blog/webpage that I have ever read. Thank you soooo much for your sense of humor, it gets me through the day lol.
Oh, God, I’m laughing so hard I need to change my liner. #3 arriving between 6-10 weeks and I can so relate already!
AMummysLife recently posted..Family visit
This is hilarious and I have really never been happier about having c-sections than right now.
Jessica recently posted..Never apart
Omg this is hilarious! I call my breasts- potatoes in socks lol! What a refreshing bit of honesty about the unfortunate dark side of mommyhood! lol!
I call mine oranges in granny pantyhose, lol. ESP when bent over. :)
I have had 3 vaginal and one c-section. OMG! Soooo funny and true. I think everybody here in the Tim Hortons parking lot thinks I am a real big idiot for laughing to myself!
Anna, this is hysterical! And so, so sadly true. Nailed it!
Meredith recently posted..Take-aways from the Farm Show
Yeah, the roadmap. Yeah. sadly yeah
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Memories from the not so distant past : my lunchtime visit to Ikea.
No words! nup… too damn funny, I can’t compete. But seriously if we knew this before embarking on motherhood, would we? I think not!
Molley Mills recently posted..Edging toward Homeschool- Somebody please Stop me!
But do vassholes produce mammoth queefs too? Wait, is that even how you spell queef? Seriously, this post is too accurate. My boobs are so flaccid and deflated that I can hold my phone underneath one and carry it around securely. Totally hot…
Gina recently posted..Click Click! Elska on Kid Tune Tuesday….
VERY hot Gina!!! I have been as big as 38H … now down to a 34H .. and my nipples almost reach my belly button!!! At 62 years old, I can absolutely sympathize!!! Having such fun reading these!
Yikes!
Gina recently posted..Peanuts, pies and booby tutus: What’s in a nickname…
LOL, Gina. Once I misplaced my phone and could not find it anywhere. Later when I was changing my shirt (one of my twins had thrown up all over me) I found my phone wedged under my boob! I had a habit of sticking it in there when cleaning house or chasing after the little twinadoes.
OMG! So true, and so funny. Thanks for the laughs.
at least you didnt get stretched so far it took you 3 weeks to get better! i nearly kicked the doctor in the face but by the time i tried the baby way already coming. i took a look down there after 3 days and it looked.. let just say.. i thought i turn into a guy.. yes.. looked like i had balls. not something id liek to see.. i never ever let my husband see me naked after that day. vasshole does sound bad.. but i was stretched and stitched. 2 and a half months to recover. but it was worth it.. i got a beautiful baby girl. pain–worth being a mother.
In the bathroom right now staring at my eyes to see if they’re different. I don’t think they are but now I’m obsessed.
I didn’t notice it until I took a picture of myself. And on video – I totally notice it on video…
Anna recently posted..Welcome to My Life and Kids
So great! Thanks for putting it out there!!!
Melissa recently posted..Getting Some Real Mail
With so many comments I think we can safely say that we women are not alone but it takes a couragous women to say it. Glad that we don’t have to suffer alone. If you pee yourself, ask your Dr. about perineal re-education. Yep, send your vag back to school! It helps , seriously!!
I think all women should get the following after child birth covered by insurance. I call it the mommy special: bob job, lift and enhanced, bladder lift (which i highly recommend) and tummy tuck. It should come as a coupon when you leave the hospital :)
Yes!!!
Perfection. The other day, I was mentally writing a blog entry that I would call Vaginas Wrinkle, Too, but now, thanks to you, I can save myself the time because it doesn’t need to be written anymore. Vasshole is totally in my vernacular now, and my coochie has a new nickname. AWESOME.
Oh my goodness!!!! I’m still laughing. One of my boys is home inbetween classes right now and wants to know what is sooo funny. I told him he wouldn’t get it and he would find it highly disturbing…. Ohhh I’m still busting a gut. Oh and the woman in the pic actually looks fantastic. I don’t see any tiger stripes, cottage cheese or rolls on her back.
Omg, Anna. You are hysterical, as always!
And I have never been so happy to have had c-sections. EVER.
JD Bailey @ Honest Mom recently posted..My Secret to Calming Myself When I’m About to Lose It. Like *Really* Lose It.
My angry pancakes look more like oranges in a sock:(
I wish I’d written this, because it is all about me–all except the part about the overgrown eye. And the sharting vasshole. You can own those ones on your own. :)
Jenny recently posted..Letting My Husband Cry It Out
Well I WAS considering a second child…but now… ROFL
Kerry recently posted..I am a stranger in my own flesh
Oh, thank you. This was just what I needed today!
Cheryl recently posted..Catnapper
I call my ta-tas ‘national geographic boobs.’ My husband asked me if vagina lips are “supposed to be that big” and I told him to squish a potato out of his penis (that’s a good size ratio, right?) and when he’s done, let’s have a look-see at his penis and see if it still looks the same.
=)
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Brilliant article and fab responses. I remember my grandmother telling me how she got into serious trouble for asking why a family friend was fat (she was pregnant) and how she had NO idea what menstruation was and when she got her first cycle,at boarding school, she thought she was dying! As a result, thankfully, she has been brutally honest (and funny!!) with her daughters and granddaughters and now,great-granddaughters. We NEED women who are brave enough to not only tell the truth without shame but also CELEBRATE it! You are one of these women, Anna! Your honesty brought us all here and like it or not, we can all relate. There is real power in our ability to laugh at and with ourselves – together! This is healing our world, right here :)
Wait…is that ass picture supposed to be a “before” or “after” because I think it looks pretty darn good — especially compared to mine. :(
I am never having children. DEAR GOD> O_o
That is the most hilarious true blog post- brave and true hahahaha – and I hope its all worth it x
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If I was a cosmetic surgeon (alas I am not, but I wish I’d married one) I’d be skulking around this blog for sure. Having had 2 emergency c-sections, I don’t have the pleasure of a vasshole, formerly known to me as a vaganus. I do however have the required muffin tops, both over my maxi size jeans and over my maxi size undies. The caesarian left me with that extra muffin top over the bikini line, not-so-fondly known as my precious FUP (fat upper pussy). My thighs haven’t seen sunlight since January 2007 and glow in the dark as a nice accompaniment to my glow in the dark moon size butt. Oh how I lament my pre-baby figure.
Really funny! One change for me… my “muffin-top” is more of a “soft-serve ice cream cone” there’s many more “tops”. Esp when I tried to put on my skinny jeans. LOL!!
hahahahaha
I can I almost choked at the elephant.. Oh so so funny and I can so relate!! You are not alone in this dire world :-p
I know my tongue got bigger after having my son!
I agree w/ whoever said they are NEVER having children. This is scary! :-/
Laughed my butt off after reading this.
I made my hubby laugh ater seeing a turducken on a t.v. commercial and telling him I could never eat it because it looks like a giant post pregnancy vagina!
And as to post pregnancy boobs my remind me of old fashion roller blinds like ifmy hubby grabbed hold of a nipple and pulled they wold just roll right up!
I am IN LOVE! You ladies are hilarious and made my day!
I call them ” not so fun bags” now. New boobs soo needed.
My dad used to say the pointer sisters died as a description of my moms fried egg boobs..so mean
That is SOOOO AWESOME. I am sharing with my friends!
Your blog is the first and only blog I have ever commented on. Great post! Nailed it.
I think it’s sad that a woman would refer to her vagina as an elephant, even after having three children…
It’s a JOKE. Seriously…
Very sad.
Vasshole!, carrots ! muffins! dough! road maps! ELASTOPUSSY ( well thats is before kids) ! Omfg I have not laughed so much since granny got her “shriveled up baby carrots” caught in the wringer! I am we’ll past being a new mummy! in fact I am now grandmummy to 3 adorables, can I please apologies to my dearest darling daughter for not informing her of the resultant after childbirth body condition! I applause u for putting it out there! To laugh at your body to this degree is fantastic. I had 4 kids and yes I have all those conditions ( and have been profusely embarrassed about them, till now) I love all u mummies ! Your comments have given me life! Maybe a little late at my age, but hell “ur never to old” I could go into the worsening effect to the dried up baby carrots, the vasshole, the dough roll, the sagging Buns, the world road maps, not to mention the elephant ( that trunk will appear!), however, I know how young people hate oldies discussing private or sexy matter,and the visuals u get when we do, so I will spare u the anguish. Taking a leaf from ur page In my mind right now though its damned hilarious! more laughs for me! greatest thanks to u all! Btw to that poor dear woman who is so discusted with your descriptions, surgery to ur bodies flaws will not cheer u up, humor will do u far more Favors. And to the gorgeous mummie
” who feels very sexy on her hands and knees NOT ” u are also an idle amazing how reality is so damn funny, when u realize life’s like that! Keep it up new mummies I think u are all flawless xxxxx
This 62 year old mummy / grand mummy has to agree!! Life is great! Laughter is the best!!! Keep it up girls .. will forward this on to my daughter!!
I just laughed so hard my husband thought something terrible happen to someone and I was crying. I am totally subscribing to this blog, I need more comic relief about the horrible tragedy of my body after birth and well just motherhood in general.
and of course angry pancakes…
VASSHOLE!!! ohmigod hilarious.
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I just don’t even know where to begin with a comment, in between my laughing and crying…
Good news though. My ride has never been a minivan. I have an SUV. OK fine. Same fricking difference.
Sigh.
By the way, I can’t see my elephant over my FUPA. I can’t even say I’m a hot mess because there is no hot left in me. I’ll go to bed now.
After working labor and delivery for 35 yrs i just looked in amazement at what a post partum body looked like until i had 2 children. Even though this site sounds funny it’s kind of sad.
Thank God for husbands who go bald and get beer bellies.
My husband and i are neck in neck on the changing bodies but still very in love!💓
My newborn asleep on my chest is going to have shaken-baby I’m laughing so hard.
omg! hilar!ous,,, so true, all of !t , lmao!!!
To mention another something noticed by me, after 2 vag!nal births, my third C-Section at 42, permanent smiley face below my belly button and a kangaroo pouch that never seems to go away. As my Grandparents & Mom always said/say, ” sucks getting old! Thank you for shar!ng> So happy !’m not the only one! Great laugh!
I have read this 3 times and it still brings me to tears I’m laughing so hard. So relatable!!!!
i know everyone else had said it but i am SO glad that i am not the only person all if these things has happened to! except the elephant loll i pushed from monday till friday @5cm before the base felt i had earned a c section. so now im a smiling kangaroo pouch too with the tennis balls in pantyhose for tahatahs and a bunch of tiger stripes (thats what im gonna tell her cause i know someday shell ask) i love how refreshingly honest you all are :) thanks moms!!! we rock
Absolutely LOVE this!!!! Got a genuine “gut” laugh out of me after my workday, as you might understand is a seldom occasion these days with a couple of young kids…. Thank you… BLESS you….
bahahaha… I’ve had 4 vaginal births and have never even thought about looking down there to see how messed up it is !! lol
my boobs sag, I have a double muffin top, I own a minivan, i’m in bed by 10 almost every night of the week…. wow, I sure can relate !! thanks for the giggles :)
I have two words for you: “pelvic surgeon.” I had a few of the problems you mentioned and they got *much* worse with age. I was so afraid of getting the things you mentioned fixed. I imagined all sorts of horrible things. I finally did it anyway. Best. decision. ever.
OMG. The eye thing. I just noticed when looking at recent pics of myself. Thought it was just me. Wondered if I had a stroke. I have five vasshole makers. It’s a good thing I love ‘em. Vassholes that they are from time to time. :)
I always said they looked like fried eggs hanging on a nail, but I love the angry pancakes! This post is amazing! So glad there are more like me out there.
OMG!!! Dying!!! I didn’t end up with a *vasshole*(lol) However, my hubby called me ‘ Frankenpussy’ after my first kid. :)
Why when you lie down do they both fall into my armpits!i need scoops.ugh.
Laughed so hard Im crying..and sharing this with all who want to laugh…Thanks so much…!”vasshole” is my new fav word…my friends and I have been saying “vageard”..for the crazy way the hair goes down there as we age…its like a vagina beard..
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This is making me want to ware a chastity belt and lock up my reproductive system…. men have it easy!
I laughed so hard I peed a little..’cause you know it’s all loosey-goosey down there after 3 kids!
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Omg! I couldn’t read past “vasshole” because I was crying laughing. And yes, I’m also part of the “minivan muffintop 10 pm bedtime” club. Thank you for the late night funny. Much needed and much appreciated.
I find it fun to swing mine like 2 pendulums when I’m bent over warming the water for my shower !!! It is important to find joy where you can !!! Lol
Haha lucky you guys! I have a vasshole and a c section scar!
Just recently found your blog… that is some funny ass shite!
6 pregnancies… 5 kids and for the most part, I got lucky. Though still having your 20 year old college body with your grandmother’s boobs isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either ;)
I hope ya’ll don’t mind a man accidentally stumbling on this and laughing his ass off. The replies are great too. Humor is a wonderful thing and being about to laugh at life is heap-good-medicine. The good news is, if you have a good guy to start with, we’ll still love you. It ain’t like we’re gonna be an Adonis all our lives (or any of it).
you are a keeper Random Man!!! Thanks for recognizing the obvious .. most men forget that they age / change too!!
I had the lovely experience of a vasshole birth (but the doc’s gave it the none frightening term “perineal tear”) whilst spitting out my 3rd child after 30 minutes of labor. What is hysterical about the term is that I tore on the inside as well as the outside. I was afraid to poop for days and drank gallons of water and ate stool softener like candy. The only good thing that resulted in the required repair is that I got an internal retreat that tightened everything up! I deserved that much!!!
I’ve had a good laugh. Thank YOU
BTW
Dr Gelphant in Vancouver BC
Is a world class surgeon. WORKS MIRACLES
Anna Luther, I developed one big eye after having my daughter. I was diagnosed with Silent Sinus Syndrome. That could be what you experienced. I had surgery to fix my asymetrical eyes, which I called circus freak eyes. I look normal again now.
I call my stomach my FLAB-O-LANCH because well it’s fallen over my belt line…where it SHOULDN’T BE! :) And sometimes I jiggle my belly (almost like Chris Farley) to make my co-worker squirm LOL! She thinks I am SO silly! I will never forget after my 1st child and having a c-section…my stomach felt like a bowl full of jelly LITERALLY…and so when I would laugh (IT HURT!) it would make me laugh more because it just JIGGLED! haha
Screw watching teen mom, these kids should look at a mom’s body, then I’m sure they will think twice about teen sex!!
Oh. My. Gawd. I am CRYING here!! So funny. I didn’t get the Vasshole, but the peeing when I sneeze, cough, stand up too fast, etc. is my undoing. Ha! And it only gets worse… my oldest is 16 yrs old… My angry pancakes are now just tired pancakes.
I didn’t get the one eye bigger, but I did go up a full shoe size! Kinda made me mad! So many shoes I had to give away!
Hahaha! I am wetting myself. This is hilariously true.
Laughed so hard I snorted tea out my nose this morning. Thanks for the laugh, and the honesty. Is it too soon to show this to my tween daughter? ;)
Oh. My. Gosh. If it wasn’t 46 degrees today, I’d be laughing so hard right now, but I don’t want to pass out, so I’m keeping it all in. The poop stuff? SO FUNNY! And so true. Thank goodness for parent’s rooms – I can go in there with both kids, and blame the smell on them :)
LMAO laughed so hard i snorted and damn near pissed my pants!!! this post is so funny becuz its absolutly true LOL
Rachel and Melissa, I agree. Horrible man, let these women know! This is so disgusting. You just told the whole world about your banged up vagina and shriveled up breasts? Shame. And the rest of these women agreeing? Shame shame. Vasshole? Yuck. There is nothing funny about this. I’d like to be embarrassed for you, but I’m too embarrassed for your husband. This was definitely too much info. And yes ladies, this is a number 1 reason why a man would cheat. Number 1 and 2. Not only have you let your whole body turn to shit, you told everyone about it. Women are beautiful creatures. To birth children is a gift and when we do it makes us that much more beautiful. You just made it seem absolutely disgusting. Again, speak for yourself. Yuck.
All of you need a lesson on how to be a lady.
Holy snapping assholes batman ! Are you kidding lady ?youd probably live longer if you took that 50 lb block of judgement off your back.those that can’t laugh at themselves just leave it up to other people to do it for them !
I noticed that those of you who find this so horrible have just kept reading it. If you find it so offensive, just stop, nobody is forcing you and now you are just pissing on our blanket. I’ll keep reading because I think it is hilarious! Thank you ladies for the best laugh in a loooonnnngggg time!
OMFG!! I guess I should think about what I am about to read BEFORE sipping on hot tea! I burnt myself! I gulped it and spit some out-thankfully just missing the keyboard! THAT SHIT IS HILARIOUS!! so funny!!!!
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After giving birth to 5 boys I totally has a vasshole love that word btw. And dealing with the inability to not pee on myself when laughing, coughing, sneezing and so on I visited the nice urologist and had my bladder/vasshole issue fixed. It was the best thing I ever did can actually do all those things without worry again. Was well worth the discomfort of that surgery. I am thankful though for knowing as a woman I’m not alone in the unpleasant body changes post childbirth! Great blog!
Vasshole! haha mine’s even better because I have a huge varicose vein in my vasshole! I thought varicose veins were reserved for old ladies legs!! And the eye thing, I’m totally with you on that one. Just call me squinty.
Thank- you so much for this! I just discovered the elephant and was on the verge of a breakdown. Went to my doctor to see what was wrong with me. But now I know I’m not the only one, I’m not a freak!
thank-you!
i dont know why they call it a muffin top either. Mine looks more like a flat tire than anything else.
My friend calls her boobs “pancakes with raspberries on top.” Ha, ha! I’ve considered a boob job myself but just can’t go there.
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RIGHT EYE…I thought my one eye was enlarged for years. Turned out my left eye was closing, due to a brain tumor…Acoustic Neuroma. I look back at my pics and def see it now on my facial nerves too. Insist on an MRI! Do you have headaches or earaches?
i call mine NGs. because they look just like the women on national geographic when i bend over. What a great thread!
OMG! So funny! My right eye is streaming tears for yours!
Priceless!! Vasshole – love that!
This is hilarious. Mine is not the elephant, it’s the walrus.
OMG I am laughing so hard at all of these comments. What I loved was when you went to go run up the stairs without a bra on to get one of the kids, you suddenly wonder who in the hell is applauding you for getting up those stairs so dang quickly…..then you realize it was your own boobs!!!
Mine are so far south that they may need their own area code soon, some where in the Antarctic.
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OMGoodness! Absolutely hysterical…you definetly gained a new follower!
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To all of those who gave the lame excuse for cheating husbands that their wives’ lack of “keeping themselves” is the top reason, cheating stems from one place, a heart of infidelity. A man who cheats on his wife is a man who is undisciplined, lacks self-control, and is first and foremost intent on satisfying his desires above all else. How dare you say a woman’s body is the reason a man cheats? That is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard, and what that implies is that if a man does not keep his body like it was in his younger years, then a woman is entitled to cheat too. I don’t know who convinced you that your body is the end all and be all to faithfulness in a husband, but you are sorely misled and need to get a serious clue.
Thank you Maureen! My fingers were speechless at the comments by Rachel, Melissa and Liz and all the other women posting disgust. I don’t believe the women that find humor in this piece have “let themselves go”. Perhaps their relationships with their spouse is built on physical appearance rather than love, respect and commitment. Having babies and growing older just does things to your body that no amount of exercise can fix. And going under the knife, getting injections and starving oneself is far too expensive and vain. Sounds like they are more concerned about whats going on on the outside than on the inside. Every scar, stretch mark and loose area of skin on my body is the story of my life!
A man who cheats is a unhappy person with himself, not his wife he supposedly loves.
To blame the woman is not a true statement…. Married men who cheat will cheat with another woman who doesn’t honor that relationship, and married men have cheated with other women who have vassholes too!! Its not because of his wife having it, when they go and sleep with someone else who has it too!!
Loved it!!
Thankfully I do not have all of these!!! I had 2 c-sections so no vasshole !!!! but I have the flabby skin over my c-section where they cut the muscle ugggggg. Boobs I call sag bags. I used to be a size A and after kids I thought they would go back but my youngest is 4 and im still a size c!!!!
You are so amazing!! I love fell in love with this article!!
Well angry pancakes takes the prize. I did however just today find a bra that holds them in place, full coverage. These girls are locked in place and forced to look like round something or others. Check Calvin Klein online. Great deals and so comfortable.
oh I’m laughing over here!
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I don’t read many blogs that make me laugh out loud, but this one did. Vasshole, come on! I’m glad I wasn’t drinking a hot beverage when I read that.
OMG! Lol Not only am I going to print off this list and laminate it I think I’m going to print off the comments too! Lol. Soo nice to know that I am not alone!!
Oh wow. Thank you. I hate how I look after two kids… But I could deal with the never ending acne, the muffin top, the stretched out road map places, the non existent boobs…. But its the fact that I ALWAYS need to sh*t whenever I’m in public with the kids… Never fails. I really HATE that part, cuz I really have no control once it decides to go. Such an adventure trying to locate bathrooms with a 1.5 year old and 3 year old.
Thanks for all the replies too, made my day better.
Vasshole… never know what to call that thing that was created when the doctor took over 30 minutes to sew me back up inside and out until now. I truly enjoyed all of this from the blog to the comments. If a man finds this gross he is going to cheat the minute his lady shows a flaw and if a woman finds this gross she must be a perfection of the human species made by a God not from this plant. I have one child about to be 18 years old. I was skinny and quite pretty before I had my daughter. Now I only look in full length mirrors when fully clothed. I do not look too bad then so long as my blouse is long enough and I put my eyes on LOL. My hubby says I am beautiful and loves me more than he could ever have imagined and he would never cheat on me just because I have large saggy boobs, a vasshole, and kangaroo pouch that I tuck into my jeans. LOL Thanks for the laughs I am actually sending my daughter a link since she says I am not have any kids. She has that perfect hour glass shape right now. Maybe I better rethink sending her a link to this; I might never get grandchildren…
Vasshole is awesome! I would really feel bad about calling my kids (13 and 17) assholes but if I called them vassholes, they totally wouldn’t know what I was talking about! And I don’t really understand why it takes me so long to poop now, but one wrong move or sneeze and I piss my pants or fart, sometimes both at the same time. Now that’s talent! Don’t even get me started on my boobs. One is bigger than the other (which is great cause it goes with the eye theme) making it difficult to buy bras. So I am constantly reaching my hand down my shirt, unconscientiously of course, tucking my boob fat back into my bra. And I wonder why I am still single.
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Some of the ladies on here, either don’t have kids, are in denial, or are just cunts.
As to the rest of you, hell yes, I feel your pain.
I have 2 kids, my vagina tore, had to have 8 stitches. My butt is covered in stretch marks. I always say my second son “ate” my boobs, because they disappeared after I quit breastfeeding him.
My vagina looks swollen & veiny to me, lol. Idk how to describe it but its definetely not the same as it was before kids.
I have the bladder of an infant now, I am constantly leaking, even though I do Keegles everyday and my kids are 4 & 6.
You can’t live without making a little bit of fun of yourself. I thought it was funny.
Also my boyfriend thinks I’m crazy about saying my feet grew during pregnancy, glad I’m not the only one!
Seriously too funny! None of this was in the What to Expect When You’re Expecting book. THIS is what we should be telling all new expectant mothers!
If they taught this shit in sex ed classes teenage pregnancy would drop dramatically. Jenny McCarthy wrote a whole book on it, its hilarious. She called her vagina “blue twinkies” lol.
I used to have a cute belly button. Actually, I don’t know if it was cute because I never really noticed it until it was so big I could use it for my morning cereal. Screw clean dishes, I have a belly bowl.
O-M-G! Brilliant! Sneezing is a dangerous thing… I will never forget vassholes! Freaking hilarious!
OMG! Hilarious! I didn’t give birth to my babies, all adopted, and am pretty glad about that right now. I haven’t had c-sections or tearing and cutting. But, I can relate…age and surgeries take a toll on a woman’s body too. I use the term FOPA (Flap Over P***y Area) in reference to the extra skin that just appeared, I swear, the day I turned 40. LOL
LOL:) So you may think it will get beeter with time?? When they live to go to Unnivercity you got all that and you a BROK$$$$
So funny & unfortunately so true! I used to say that when I bent over naked, baby calves mistook me for their mom.
Wow, how many women will be turned off having babies after reading this?! Although there are elements of truth amongst it all I was disappointed. I have had 6 kids, I had a good doctor so no tearing, no cuts, I still have good boobs for a 45 year old despite breastfeeding them all for years, I suspect slow weaning is the answer as opposed to abrupt weaning at birth. I am overweight but that’s not caused by pregnancy. Yes, my belly is stretched but the marks are my badge of honour. Pelvic floor muscles do need constant exercise but it’s part of looking after yourself.
Any changes in my body are a small price to pay for the joy of my children.
Wow, you missed the whole point of this article: HUMOR. She’s not saying she’s not full of joy with having her kids. She’s just saying everything people think about themselves. It gave me a good laugh. I recognized myself in some parts, still laughed at the others. I laughed the whole way through.
It really sounds like you need some friends that haven’t come out of your body. I found this via my mommy group. I found it hilarious. I guess if my only friends were my kids, I wouldn’t find it funny either.
For somebody who is part of a mommy group, I would like to think you would be more supportive to women who might need a friend and certainly not judge them on that level. Maybe in the future you can learn to respect the opinions of others and not bully them based on meaningless, made up details. Such a shame.
Coke bottle tits are what I call mine…you know if you bend over they could easily slip right into a coke bottle lol!
I am in love with you. That is all.
With University tuition cames grey hair:) lol
Two watermelons on a down hill ski race
My husband once asked me why my boobs sorta tasted like my deodorant… so I had to explain to him that my au’natual breasts lay down when I do, and since they look like long english cucumbers, my nipples settle into my armpits!
First off THANK YOU! #1 was quite insightful, I now have a name for my little pet . . . since birthing twins (that’s right I pushed!) I have not quite known what to call what hangs down there. Unfortunately for me I don’t need a hand mirror to see my dropping lady parts. There is something that you did fail to mention, hemorrhoids! This dear addition to my anatomy is something I don’t think I want to get used to! Maybe when Rachel gets her work done she can ask if they take care of hemorrhoids . . .
I went from 36Cs to 36Longs.
I totally agree with you! And regarding the whole wonky eye thing… I had that a bit before, and it certainly got worse after kids. Then I read “Disconnected Kids” and that explained a lot about my kids and myself, too. It talks about the wonky eye thing. You may want to check it out!
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This was a great read! Thanks so much the comments were almost better than the read. I remember the nurses telling me after my first C-Section to look at my scar to know what looked normal before I left the hospital. All I could think was Frankinbelly. I don’t think the feeling ever came back below my belly button and the hair grew up from there…Somewhere after the 2nd year I started getting a strange olive green milk discharge from my boobs. The doctor said completely normal!?!
BeckyB – 36 longs!! BWAHAHAHA! Love it and can so relate. I am also a member of the vasshole, c-section scar club. I want to share this with my oldest daughter who recently got married, but I do want grandchildren so I’ll wait until after she gives me at least one of those. ;) After all, she gave me my vasshole which in turn led to my c-sections!!!
Thank you for reaffirming my decision to never breed.
Too many! Especially #1..I had a c-section so this imagine will give me nightmares! I read all the funny comments and even laughed at #325 cherylnoble’s comment…
OMG!! I haven’t laughed this hard in years! I agree with the boob thing, except mine look like waterslides!
I’m laughing so hard right now I have tears running down my face. Yes, I can relate. I was never “thin,” but my stomach was flat and my hourglass was proportional before I had my kids. Afterward, my stomach looked like I’d been clawed from bustline to navel by a big cat; some of my stretch marks are as wide as a finger. Muscle tone is just destroyed (they were both 10 lb babies) and it never really came back; all the crunches in the world didn’t help with the bread dough effect. Bread dough, on a rather wide, not-so-hourglass shape. Ugh. Also, episeotomies are evil; I had 22 stitches after my first child. 22 stitches, months of recovery, and fearing to eat anything because I knew it would hurt to get it back out at the other end With the next kid, I told the doctor, “if you cut me I will cut you back”- That time, I had a starburst tear, got six stitches, and everything went back together properly. DO NOT LET THEM CUT YOU! And while I didn’t experience the eye thing, the gap in my teeth opened up (it’d been closed since I was abt 10) and all my teeth are now higgledy piggledy. (Also, I lost enamel, so I got new cavities courtesy of pregnancy, too.) The most annoying thing, though? The shoe thing. I was a size 9 narrow shoe before the kids. My feet weren’t exactly small. After the first, I was a 10. After the second, I was an 11 WIDE. I had to stop at two kids, for fear of spending the rest of my life barefoot due to lack of shoe availability.
Lol
Yes I went from a dainty 7.5 to a 9 after two kids!!!!!
Vasshole..HAHAHAHAHAH. Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway!
Great laughs! So true…when I first peeked at my post-childbirth vag it scared me because it looked as though it had teeth!
I have enjoyed all the comments, thankyou so much for the laugh. I am still not quite sure what a vasshole is, but awesome word I guess I don’t have one…as for my boobs, not deflated but uncontrollably large with a mind of their own yet desensitized after breastfeeding my 3rd. muffintop is a cute word how about layer cake which explains the other bumps that happen when layering your clothes. As for the eye, I always wondered why I all of a sudden looked like I escaped from the asylum in all my post baby pics! And to Rachel, well maybe if I was rich and famous and didn’t have to give up the second income, I would be inclined to have a personal trainer, and a nanny for my kids…results only happen fast if you have more time for these things. 20 mins a day to myself(if I am lucky) for a work out means I have to make light of my flaws and learn to live with them until i can spend more time on me because I have 3 very important interests in life that qualify for all my time and energy!!!!
I was laughing out loud! Only instead of dry shriveled up carrots I have these GINORMOUS mellons. I have always been big busted but since childbirth and breastfeeding my boobs grew 3 full sizes! So instead of the baby carrots I get sore backs, I feel like I am going to topple over when carrying my little one and I cannot go without a bra – it just hurts too bloody much! When lying down without a bra my chest feels like it is on one of those stretching machines with each side deciding to go in a different direction. Not sure which is worse but I am pretty sure carrots can be built up with inserts and made to look quite decent and you won’t topple over when running after your toddler. Unlike ginormous mellons which never look good in an outfit that actually suits your figure and whenever you talk to the opposite sex they can never look you in the eye.
My boobs were like two sharpei puppies on my chest
Having a breast reduction was the best thing to make me feel confident again and be able to wear anything I wanted besides an extra large black old navy buttondown shirt. You too can be 49 with 20 something boobs. :-)
I hate to admit it but, My boobs got really big and round, they’re quite nice actually, BUT…. I can’t find bra’s to fit my two bowling balls…. my sisters said my boobs would stay small if I breast fed, NOT for me. 32F, I was a 34D before. My baby is now 15. They never went away.
Im childless by choice and way past breeding age so I don’t need any birthcontrol, but if I will share it with someone I know!!!
You’re all lying! Don’t you read Us Magazine? Everyone knows that new moms look exactly like Victoria Beckham and Kourtney Kardashian six weeks postpartum. I mean, duh!
JUST KIDDING!!!
Seriously, those magazine covers blabbing on about so and so’s “smokin’ hot post-baby bikini body” make me want to scream. Diet and exercise to get back in shape my ass! How ’bout telling the truth, Hollywood?! It’s called getting oodles of cosmetic surgery done as soon as humanly possible after delivery. I’m so fed up with the bullsh*t perpetuated by the entertainment and advertising industries. Grrrr!!!
Can i just say they greatest thing i ever heard…i was laying in bed sad and depressed about the tiger attack on my stomache and my husband say, “Dont be sad babe our daughter just didnt take very good care of her first apartment and messed the walls up a bit. Its nothing a little spackle wont fix.” I laughed sooooo hard!
Too funny. Baby number 3 killed my boobs. While pregnant with baby number 4 I constantly made jokes about what boby parted was going to go wrong. Lol. So now I get the “you look great for having 4 having 4 kids”. My butt and boobs are definately never going to look the same. And the acne is sooo awesome
I remember at 15 reading a box of tampons, and learning there were super sized ones, and I said to a friend, who would ever be able to fit that in there, well three kids later, I know who can. I can also cough that sized one out too
I’m almost glad I had c-sections after the vasshole descriptions here….wow!
Vasshole! Hysterical! Love reading candid articles like this one. Thank you!
Another GREAT reason to be child-free. I don’t have to worry about ruining my body!!! :)
Thank god I’m sterile.
My vag looks like a used up SOS pad. LOL.
My friend called hers “baby socks”. I told her , if hers are baby socks, my are baby ” hoods”, like on kids jackets/
I was in need of a good laugh! I had 2 unplanned c-sections so I luckily haven’t earned a vasshole,(although this term may now be used to describe my other 1/2) but even then things don’t quite look the same. I didn’t end up with deflated boobs, but someone did let the air out of my vagina! It’s still little but somehow less full & a little more sad. We were considering having a 3rd, partly so I didn’t have to pay for them to redo my c-section scar. The 1st one was great, 2nd one I was always waiting for it to ask, “Why so serious”. However I’ll take my Heath Ledger’s Joker impersonating scar over, what I’m envisioning, will look like Chunk from the Goonies crazy eye!
The wonderful ladies at “The Maternal Lens” was reported and put through hell over their sharing of your post here. Someone felt it was offensive and reported it because of the naked butt pic to go along with it. Just thought you would want to know in case you wanted to change it. I am not offended but I would hate for your blog not to be shared because of an ass shot! One of the poor girls cannot get back on facebook, whoever it was put them through some shit. I loved this post and thankful you posted it…I now know what to call my vasshole! :)
Lmao too funny and I must agree with everything you posted. However after my first child my breast where so big like engorged torpedoes trying to sink me in my pool. Now after my third they are dried saggy prunes. I think I could tie them in a knott and throw them over my shoulder. :p
All of these comments cracked me up. Just when I thought I couldn’t find something funnier, I sure did! But Beth Meleski takes the cake, or muffin top, as the case may be. I can’t stop looking at my boobs now. I pick them up and let them flop back down. To my FUPA. Seriously, they were a tad saggy before…Now, its the great comedy! I actually keep trying to get my husband to come look at them when I get them arranged “just right” on the bed. Yes, I said on the bed. I know someone else besides me has noticed that when you kinda half sit up while laying on your side, your boob on said side is like a puddle oozing off your chest /or belly/ or even some no-man’s land between the two and winds up laying on the bed sort of next to you. I can’t even explain this adequately to my poor husband but he won’t look! And I will say, hubby is nice enough to feel sorry for me having post pregnancy issues that he admitted that when he ran to the living room to sneeze the other night (to avoid waking the sleeping littles) he sneezed, farted and peed a little all at once. Gotta love him! :)
I’ve never heard anyone else use the term FUPA beside me and my friends. How funny! Love it!
I always thought of mine as deflated balloons. Before kids I never could have thought they would look like this after!
I will share with you a story about my Grandma! She’s gone now, but I never thought I would hear this from her….ANYTIME during her life! She was in the retirement home and setting in her wheelchair, and all day was saying “I have something that you don’t” to all the nurse’s that passed by. She would laugh every time she said it, so finally one nurse bit the hook that she had baited, “Ok , tell me, what do you have that I have not?” She grinned and said “A hole between my titties!” And she lifted her shirt just enough to show her her belly button, with a boob on each side! I never heard or saw, her laugh so hard, a nurse so red, or my mouth drop open soo quickly!!! Gotta love em! Still smiling after her being gone over 20 + years!
OMG! Vasshole!!! I can hardly type through the tears of laughter and the convulsions of hysteria!
I don’t even know what to say, this is way too funny. One thing that I found to be true about post baby body is color changes. I used to have the tiniest light pink colored tittlebiggities. (what me and my family call boobs/nipples). Now they are a brown color that doesn’t match my extremely fair complexion. Also the color down… below. Which I like to call the war zone after having a child. What goes on down there (below the boobs) is ridiculous both pregnant and after.
” I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.” This is the funniest thing I read in a while! You’re hilarious :)
Omg!!hilarious!!So describes me..recently lost 100+ pounds,and I’m like wth happened??it looks so much worse!!!!oh well the kids are so worth it…most days :)
I sent this to my husband to read – even though he laughed, cried and was slightly confused with #7 (since both of my eyes have changed shape with two vagina childbirths)… he asked me to share a phrase I use when refering to the area below my muffin top. FUPA. FUPA is a totally offside acronym meaning – Fat Upper Pu$$y Area. Having this makes me cry but saying FUPA makes me smile. Thank goodness to small graces.
Mamma Ange
my tits r the best thing that happened while I was pregnant besides my baby Alexander……no breastfeeding helps I guess
I haven’t had kids and am a skinny young woman still…. But I have to say I LOVE this. Made me laugh… and even though I haven’t had kids I too pee when I sneeze or laugh.
Unfortunately, if your attempt was to make me not want kids you are unsuccessful. I have wanted to be a mom since at LEAST kindergarten, and perhaps want to be now more!
Even though I am skinny and Love my body…. I am surrounded by many new moms and moms that have been moms for many years, all of them are curvy and all are beautiful. We all see our flaws intensified, but we are all beautiful and no one sees our flaws the way we see them…. Not even our husbands when they get super close if you know what I mean.
I think this is a wonderful outlet of sharing for women- those who’ve had kids as well as those who haven’t. I consider these talks to be as important as the sex talk and the menstrual talk and STI’s and so on. My sister went through difficulties with sex that no one ever talked with her about. We women need to stick together no matter the age. NO JUDGEMENT but UNDERSTANDING.
Also, please remember to take care of yourselves! I don’t mean take care of yourselves by trying to go back to your previous body, but take time for yourselves. I read every comment on this blog before my post and some mentioned not having even 20 minutes or so a day! YOU DESERVE BETTER! I totally get that it’s crazy busy with kids, but reminding yourself how worthy you are each and every day for at the very least an hour is soooooo Important!
YOU GO MOMS!
Too funny. You ladies just made my day:) Speaking of tits & abs: I’ve got so many stretch marks, it looks like I picked a fight with a cat & the cat won. Correction, cat is still winning.
Is it your first day on earth? That stuff is pretty much common knowledge at least to anyone over 30. Why do you keep doing it? No uterus turd is worth that. I love that I never had one.
I seriously needed that laugh! Thank you! And my boobs? We call them cow tongues. And that muffin top? I call it a “vajumach” because its not my vagina and its not my stomach!!
I can totally relate to the “elephant.” After my first born I mourned the loss of my chances of a career in porn. No one wants to see that sh*t.
OMG! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
I. JUST. LOST. IT. on #9. Quite possibly the most hilarious thing I have seen in a while. Copied and pasted the link to my husband. He will lose it as well, haha.
that was really disturbing to read!! enough to make me GLAD i am 38, childless and my eggs are drying up as we speak! dry up eggs…. hurry!! LOL
OMG….way too funny. I have 3 kids also and I always say my boos look like half filled water balloons. But they too, were working boobs. Too funny…..lol!
I’m a thirty-one year old young man and I think this is hilarious. I love your honesty. Please keep it up.
OMG! You all are my new favorite people. 48 yo fluffy saggy chick here. Still have baby fat….baby is Sr. In high school.
I can relate to some, if not all of these. I had 2 c-sections so can thankfully only imagine the vasshole scenario.
My own sweet children are 7 and 2, and so far in the last 8 years I would be lucky if I could count the number of uninterrupted nights sleep in double digits. It is now 1.35am and I am reading this on my phone in bed because my eldest has shouted on me three times in the last 2 hours and has psychic awareness of me daring to nod off!
On the boob issue, I remember as a teenager, there were certain exercises girls were encouraged to do in order to improve the perkiness of the bosom. At the time, the optimum sized breast could apparently hold a pencil under it whilst still remaining perky.
In my fabulous Victorias Secret bra, my 38D boobs (still a cup size larger than pre pregnancy) will enter a room before me, proud and firm. However, when it comes time to unleash them from their binding at the end of the day, I either need to be laying down or have something to support myself with or the shock wave as they escape southward with the speed and deadliness of a fleshy tsunami could knock me off my feet. And as for holding a pencil! Ha! I could fit a damn stationary store under those babies!!!
Article & comments are hysterical! After 2 c-sections 27 years ago, I can say the few stretch marks I had are finally fading. The tiny boobs I had before childbirth are now marbles in the tubesock but still can be disguised with a good, yet expensive, support bra! Thank god I never had the nasty ‘roids or Vasshole. However, I do suffer from the “Dunlap Disease”. My large caketop (not a muffin anymore!) has “done-lapped” over my c-section scar – also known as Mother Natures Belt. Hate the look & feel of all the jiggling! Gained 50 lbs when I quit smoking 1.5 years ago…..and I can’t seem to get rid of it. As for the Elephant Ears……sadly, I have that too…..it came with age. I try to imagine my vajayjay the way it used to be….and try not to look at it too much – Which isn’t hard to do with this belly in the way! I take pride in the fact that my vajayjay still works the way it always has……so I can get over the appearance! And what happened to my ass? I used to have a nice round one……now its just flat. And wide. People say that men like curves…..but mine feel more like blobs! Hope they look more attractive than they feel. My daughters recently had children and are both starting to feel all the effects of motherhood! Revenge, at last! The life of a mom is not for the weak or faint of heart! And Rachel…..you should try living in the real world with the rest of us…..not as terrible of a place as you’d think!
lol you are one funny lady! Keep up the blogging! Unfortunately… I could relate with many of these :(
No one mentioned the road map I now have on my tummy….ugh
I told my husband that, after nursing 4 kids, I had to use one of those old school Spam key type can openers to wad um up and put them in my bra!! The “torpedo” is killing me!! I remember one time, BEFORE KIDS, reading about a lady who had to use TWO super tampons during her periods after she’d had kids…pssssh, I thought..no one could fit TWO SUPER TAMPONS up in there……oh…my…those words certainly came back to bite me, so to speak! Y’all are HILARIOUS!!! It’s good to know you’re not alone!
This is the best thing I have read in so so long. Too funny. Thank you
I can attest to the eye changing size thing. I figured it was all that sleep deprivation…sleeping with one eye open crap.
This is by far the most terrifying description of motherhood I’ve ever read. I only have one (and after reading this I might have to keep it that way.) Thank God my vagina is still a vagina and not an elephant or a vashole.
Omg! Hilarious and so true! I think your blog has just made it into my morning cup of coffee reading list!
I am sitting at my desk at work, and have never laughed so hard. I am getting stares. As for the “elephant” my is forever notched! Thanks to some wonderful ripping stitches!
Vasshole- OK, laugh at me if you want, but… seriously? Does that happen? Don’t they stitch that up? *horrified*
LMAO!! Especially #6 I call mine orangutan titties!
This had me laughing so hard! I did mention to my friends that they should teach this as Sex Ed and it would probably help drop the number of Teen Pregnancies! My breast got larger from a DD to we have something bigger than a J before the reduction! My feet actually shrunk half a size but got wider! Ugh! Thank goodness for C-section so I don’t have to have a Vasshole! Other than that and horrible stretch marks and that tummy flap I got weird allergies suddenly!
Haha. I have notice the weird eye thing on myself. It’s my right eye. I can’t put my finger on what it weird about it but it has definitely changed. It might be from lack of sleep. I also have the freakishly short Perineum – so much so that my doctor felt the need to comment on it and explain to my spouse how freakishly short it is.
And to the commenter who said “no uterus turd is worth that”, yes, yes they are worth it. I would give up my symmetrical eyes any day for my “uterus turd”.
OK, This is too funny! My eye does the strange big thing too! And it did get worse after baby #3. Think we’re on to something here…
Shell (Panama-mama) recently posted..On Dreaming of Spring
My Spanish speaking Grandmother used to say,
“Mi estrrambol eggz”
I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard–and everything is so true! Thanks for the insane laughter–I needed it!!!
I am laughing so hard I am crying (maybe even peed myself a little- you forgot to mention that little tidbit that occurs post childbirth). My husband asked me to enlighten him. I tried. He didn’t get it. Thanks so much.
Amy Patton recently posted..And then again…
Omg. I am trying to be quiet, but I’m shaking the bed laughing. You had me at elephant and I wept by vasshole. Mind you, for some reason, I’m saying vagasshole in my head.
Lol, love it! So true! But you forgot one……after my 4th child my bladder dropped causing me to have tears coming down my legs. Every time I coughed, jumped, sneezed, etc. terrible!
always am struck by the ‘pack’ phenomenon that jumps effortlessly to the fore (in both men and women) when someone (like Rachel) doesn’t have the same ‘ha ha’ response to a post. Doesn’t matter what the subject. human beings are safe in numbers. Don’t know many people who dont feel good when they look good and I don’t mean that in the culturaly stereotyped sense, I mean carrying yourself (and all the floppy bits) in the loved of self way, i’m here, Im alive, I’m me and thats beautiful! clothes can be used to enhance this, but its the intention that embraces it isn’t it? So whilst a bit of group discussion is something which helps with en-lightening the load of self-acceptance/love as we share our imperfections here, collusion of an excuse (having carried, birthed and fed children) justifying a lack of desire to feel or look beautiful thereafter, is also a short hop away…and perhaps that’s all Rachel was feeling an aversion to.
One of my eyes is bigger than the other after having my girls. I’ve never heard of anyone else with this problem until now. It is nice not to be the only one!
I found this hilarious!! The comments are just as funny. I too suffer from the acne but I am wondering if anyone else has the nipple pimples?? Those bumps on your nipples can be popped but they never go away!!! Am I alone on this?? Also had a man refer to the sight of my vagina after giving birth as ‘Roadkill’!!
The entire Zoup restaurant is trying to figure out why I’m laughing so hard while sitting alone having lunch! I have 5 kids….feeling it with you sister :)
The larger eye may have developed from the silent stare with one eyebrow raised only used when its inappropriate to holler at your child!!! ;-)
THIS POST IS COOL, REAL, FUNNY, AND TENDER! MAKES ME THINK OF “ALL WOMEN”, CHILBEARING, ALL THE PAIN AND SACRIFICE, MY MOM, AND THE GRATITUDE THAT I ALWAYS FORGET!!!!!????? THANK YOU KINDLY…..
Love it. So well written, too true. Sigh.
Ill never forget the day my son (who was 3ish at the time) walked in on me while I was changing (and happened to be bending over) and said, “Mommy, why are your boobs so long!?” All I could come up with was “it’s your fault!!” Not my finest mommy moment. Haha (didnt make it any more fun that I was only 23!)
I was laughing so hard my 5 month old little boy started laughing too!
If you haven’t had your thyroid checked recently, please have it checked out re: the asymmetrical eye issue. I had hyperthyroidism, and the first person to suggest I get tested was my eye dr. My symptom is called exophthalmos, which is basically a bulging of the eyes, but that leads mine to be asymmetrical. Pregnancy can definitely mess with thyroid hormones, so I just wanted to suggest it as a possibility.
You’re not post-pregnant. You’re MUTATING.
Veru funny. Regarding the eye thing…grave’s disease maybe? My mom had Grave’s post baby and it caused one eye to be larger…
This didn’t help me feel better about having a baby. All of those are my worse fears. I am 11 weeks 4 days and my partner was just arrested earlier at the doctors when they saw all the bruises and cuts on me and they finally got me to admit it was him. He wanted me to get an abortion and I was against it, but I am so scared of theses things, I am now considering to terminate the pregnancy, because apparently There is no escape. I keep reading about how women lost there bodies and now have extra weight and stretch marks to loose vagina’s. I am a model…I cant loose my dreams because of one man abusing me and using me.
Girl- all these things are exaggerated, in 25 years my wife has had 4 kids & breast-fed for six years…& from top to bottom everything is the same as it was when she was 18. Don’t let the fear of the external rob you of the joy a child can bring you. You also need to find a MAN-your partner is not one if he is abusing you.
Umm…am I just lucky that after 4 kids my wife has none of these things? No varicose veins, no dry-shrivled carrots, & thank God no elephant or vasshole! Everything is pretty much the same as when she was 18…& I love every inch of her.