10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

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Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…

Post-Baby-body

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

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3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

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8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts – trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

Comments

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    • 2

      Angie Murphy says

      I went for a massage not too long ago, the therapist was a young mother of two, and within our conversation about being moms, she said something I will never forget: “You know, when you’re getting busy and your boobs have become two angry pancakes”… I just about fell off the table!

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      • 61

        Violet says

        I always say my boobs look like to eggs when I lie on my back!! LMAO Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way!!!! This made me laugh so hard I think I peed my pants! (and after having children this happens more often than not!!) LOL Got lucky and never had the honors of a vasshole….THANK GOD FOR THAT! But had the honors of being named elastipussy by a family friend! LOL The joys of motherhood, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything! Well maybe new boobs! LOL

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      • 69

        Jennifer says

        My sisters & I compare ours to dogs: my sister with 5 kids says her

        are Bassett hounds, mine are chihuahuas & our younger sister’s are sharpei’s!

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      • 74

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    • 76

      Jamie says

      Gosh call me crazy but it makes me sad to read all of these negative body comments. Maybe I’m not getting the joke?? So I’ll just go out on a limb and say that I like my 3 kid body!! (And just a reminder that all of the saggy or small breasts are healthy good breasts and we should probably be a lot nicer to them.)

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    • 77

      Joey says

      OMG! The brutal truth is hilarious and eye opening. We were on the fence about a second child, my first is 3 months old. Its been hard work but I’ve pretty much sprung back to pre-baby shape after a vaginal birth and breastfeeding. Its taken a lot of exercising and 120 lb weights on the inner thigh machine. Eesh! After reading this I AM OFFICIALLY OFF THE FENCE! We’ll stick to our original “only child” plan. I’m bookmarking this for when I get weak…

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      • 78

        Jenn says

        Oh no, don’t jump to that conclusion! There isn’t a mom on here who would trade one of her kids for any other body in the planet! If you’re already thinking of another one at 3 months you definitely should have more (most of us are so zombie-fied and still remember childbirth too well to think of it that early! Lol!)

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    • 81

      Lili says

      Oh, I was having a really bad day until I happened upon this page. I love you for making me laugh out loud for the first time in….probably before having kids. I could have written this myself if I were tons wittier than I actually am. Ahhh, it’s funny because it’s true. All of it!

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    • 110

      Crystal says

      I tore from hole to hole too, no I don’t have a short perenium I just have huge ass babies. Then a nurse told me I didn’t need a sits bath….. Huh? I got one from the doctor. Mine healed up nicely, and I checked out my baby spitter and it looks pretty good to me.

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    • 111

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  1. 120

    Brandy says

    Oh my good gravy! That is hilarious! Vasshole is right up there in my new vocab words. (And I did notice the other day that one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. Could it be? The optician said my face was crooked, too. Bitch.)

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