10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…


1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

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2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

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7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts – trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

About the writer

Anna Luther is the mom behind the blog, My Life and Kids, where she strives to make you feel better about your messy, crazy, fabulous life. Find her on Facebook, on Pinterest and Twitter @LifeandKidsBlog.


Cindy 8 months ago

I loved it! I don’t have kids, but age (55) (Ugh, I can’t believe I just put that out there) seems to do all the same things. Except maybe the vasshole. Lol.

andrea 11 months ago

Im never having kids

Robin 11 months ago

I just love reading this stuff!! Makes me laugh so hard (silently) while my 4yr old co-sleeps beside me…eyes are burning and tears are running down my face into my ears! Mine are cow udders and my last one did a number on my cervix… So much so that my doc had to put the speculum in the way to do the lovely pap.

    Robin 11 months ago

    I meant upside down or opposite of how they usually do it.

Test18562 1 year ago

Or you can douche it using an enema before the birth

Mel 1 year ago

I love you for writing this! I is my old pre-baby body and when I read all these articles about how your body “bounces back” after baby, I started to feel more bummed about these permanent changes for the worst, and I call bullsh*t on the bounce back! Thanks for confirming that I am not alone & helping me get a good laugh about it!

Laura 1 year ago

I have to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for #9 and #10. someone else gets it.

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I’m crying and laughing! This is so hilarious, but it won’t be, I know I’m next! The eye part is killing me.

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Christie 2 years ago

My DS named my breasts Nee Nee’s and talked to and played with them as if they were his breast friend. They had grown from a respectable C cup to a HHH and never went down. One day while getting dressed but naked at the time, I bent over. An awful traumatic sight for me but my DS yelled “My Nee Nee tree!!” and latched on – all while I was still bent over. Sadly the Nee Nee tree is one of his favorites and he’s like a ninja. I have to be very very watchful when getting dressed or I hear an evil giggle right before the “tree” is attacked and I have an extra 35 pound appendage hanging from them! God bless us all for torturing our bodies in effort to bring forth that perfect child that will change the world. Now I must go and pray he only uses his powers for good.

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maria 2 years ago

That eye-thing, yes!! My whole face got less symmetrical after birth. My straight teeth… one front tooth is now longer than the other, my lips are slightly crooked, one eye is bigger than the other and when I get tired my right eye starts wandering inward. I’ve had classes of students grow silent and with horror. Everything is just off. Not in a very noticeable way, but I notice. Maybe it’s hormonal?

My boobs are now bigger (sorry), so I never got to fit into my old cute sweaters. I actually liked my B-cup, I now have a C-cup and a storage for a pencil under my boob. My hips got bigger too, so those cute old pants are off-limits. My skin got really, really irritable. It would range from a cute “winter’s walk blush” to “post-apocalyptic landscape” from day to day, but it always felt like there were lice under my skin. I lost my midsection… I am now more square. I also have varicose veins on my ankles and there’s something odd about my hair. It’s just… not my hair. Oh, and my belly is still a pouch. I run, I do yoga, I try to eat well… but the pouch stays. I think I’ll implant a zipper and call it a wallet. The babyweight is staying too, four years post-partum :(, and I got mommy-arms.

Sigh…. my other mommy-friends are 4 to 8 years younger than me (the ones that had their baby around the same time)… and they fit into their pre-pregnancy pants within two weeks. It’s not fair 😉

But in all fairness (and I think you could agree), I got a few more laughlines around my eyes, I got a sparkle in my eye and more patience, a softer face (not fatter, although, that too… but softer, like soft-focus). We’re mommies… it’s beautiful in a different way.

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Frances Raffensberger 2 years ago

Love this website. Ok on to my post baby wtf parts. I can agree with the elephant. Omg I looked after all three. Checking if it was completely destroyed. Scary as hell looking, but some type of miracle happens &always weren’t back to (somewhat) normal. On to my boobs. I never had much but after breastfeeding 3 they are decent size. If only they would both be the same size. Hell I’d be happy with the different size if my nipples would be at same level with each other. In all my post baby body isn’t completely horrible. Still considering new boobs though.

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