10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

763 Comments

Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…

Post-Baby-body

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts - trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

Comments

    • 2

      Angie Murphy says

      I went for a massage not too long ago, the therapist was a young mother of two, and within our conversation about being moms, she said something I will never forget: “You know, when you’re getting busy and your boobs have become two angry pancakes”… I just about fell off the table!

      • 6

        Kiinu says

        “Angry pancakes” I. Am. Dying.

        Sitting with my laptop, my poor toddler wants to know what’s wrong because I am laughing so hard I am crying.

      • 9

        Rachel says

        Tears! Tears are streaming down my face I am laughing so heard. That is the best, most accurate description I’ve ever heard.

        • 11

          Daniela says

          Remember when we were kids and put a baseball in pantyhose and wacked it against the school walls?
          My ta ta’s are now the stretched pantyhose with a
          ball at the end of it!

          • 12

            Verucalise says

            I like to call mine bowling pins… whenever I get out of the shower and dry my legs, they go from angry pancakes to bowling pins, swinging like pendulums of a coo-coo clock!

            • 13

              Michelle says

              The bent over boobs are torpedo tits!! They are pancakes when you lay on your back and deflated balloons when standing straight!

              • 14

                Angela says

                Oh my gosh I think I just peed my pants! Speaking of which that wold be in my top tenlike seriously when I laugh too hard, sneeze, cough what doesn’t make me tinkle?

                • 16

                  Ambyr says

                  How does this happen? Mine blew up to DDs and never went down! I swear I’m willing to donate to anyone that might need a bit of a boobie boost.

                • 17

                  says

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                  THANKS..

      • 31

        Char says

        OMG!!! Not only did #6 crack me up but this made me cry from laughter. My husband insisted I tell him why. He laughed, but not as hard.

      • 32

        Didi says

        hahahahaha- I call mine paddy pancakes. Cause when I lay on my side they look like a flat little pancake laying on the bed! But when I stand then they are just two empty potatoe sacks :(

      • 33

        Becca says

        hahahaha!!! OMG that took me by surprise and the sudden laughter made me pee a little. yet another side effect of childbirth. Also about the vasshole thing – once when I had pneumonia I coughed so hard my tampon shot out like a torpedo…

        • 35

          Abby says

          Ok, the rest had me laughing, but my cat just shot off my lap, when I read torpedo I barked so loud. Had that happen in a meeting, my first week back at work after mat leave. 5 Men and me. You just reminded me. Thanks for the laugh.

        • 37

          Alison Powell says

          Becca, your response made me laugh SO HARD. I am home alone with my dog & the house is very quiet. I laughed so suddenly & so loudly that my dog just fell down the stairs – honest!!!

        • 38

          Allison says

          This entire entry is brilliant, but this reply made me spit my “thank f&@k for bedtime” wine down the front of my über snazzy jimjams with the holes in and the stains on. Must pour another. Cheers, mamas!

          • 39

            Alison Powell says

            I apologise for spoiling your snazzy jimjams but somewhere deep iside me I just know that you have another pair just like them. We don’t, after all, keep just one set with the designer holes & stains, do we? God, I hope you have more wine…….

        • 42

          Joyce says

          OMG… I am laughing so hard her at work, I know that someone is going to come in my office and ask me what I am doing… I am about ready to pee my pants!

        • 46

          Shellie says

          OMG!Becca I have used pads my whole life I dislike tampons,I have 4 kids and I am 45 my youngest is 4 my oldest is 23.I recently went somewhere where I needed something and my niece gave me a tampon and I was sick and when I coughed it shot out onto the floor.OMg I can not stop laughing.OUR kids better take good care of us when we are really old!

          • 48

            Shelley Drady Enright says

            Bwahahaha! I. can’t. stop. laughing! My youngest of 5 (5yrs old) came over to check on me because I was laughing so hard I barely made a sound but my body was convulsing and tears were running down my face. Torpedo. hahaha.

        • 54

          Kim says

          OMG Becca! I. Am. Dying. Here. I solemnly swear to remember during cold and flu season to hold my legs together when I cough so I don’t experience the “tampon torpedo”. Priceless!

        • 55

          ANNA says

          OMG…TOO FUNNY…THERE IS A POOL OF TEARS IN FRONT OF MY LAPTOP ON MY DESK FROM ALL THE LAUGHING THIS HAS CAUSED…THANK U SO VERY MUCH FOR MAKING MY DAY…AFTER 5 KIDS IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH TO MAKE ME TINKLE AND THIS MADE ME DAMN NEAR FULL ON PEE MY PANTS!!! :”’-D

    • 56

      Momma Peters says

      Mine look like ziploc baggies with a couple drips of water in them to help the sagging. Some nice new boobies would be delightful!

      • 57

        Violet says

        I always say my boobs look like to eggs when I lie on my back!! LMAO Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way!!!! This made me laugh so hard I think I peed my pants! (and after having children this happens more often than not!!) LOL Got lucky and never had the honors of a vasshole….THANK GOD FOR THAT! But had the honors of being named elastipussy by a family friend! LOL The joys of motherhood, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything! Well maybe new boobs! LOL

            • 63

              dawna says

              lmao omg all of this is sooo funny!!! my toddler is in bed and im trying so HARD not to laugh out loud, but I thought I should share my name for my ta-tas lol.. seems to me that when ever I am bent over all I can think of is cow udders!!! they just have that look to them and since I nursed for 15 months it seems only fitting lol

      • 65

        Jennifer says

        My sisters & I compare ours to dogs: my sister with 5 kids says her

        are Bassett hounds, mine are chihuahuas & our younger sister’s are sharpei’s!

      • 67

        Helena says

        Sitting here trying to imagine what angry pancakes look like, lmaooo. Omg, glad I am not the only one with deflated boobies! lol

    • 69

      Heather says

      I got a boob job. My boobs were AMAZING. And then surprise baby happened. Now I need another boob job. :/

    • 70

      Jamie says

      Gosh call me crazy but it makes me sad to read all of these negative body comments. Maybe I’m not getting the joke?? So I’ll just go out on a limb and say that I like my 3 kid body!! (And just a reminder that all of the saggy or small breasts are healthy good breasts and we should probably be a lot nicer to them.)

    • 71

      Joey says

      OMG! The brutal truth is hilarious and eye opening. We were on the fence about a second child, my first is 3 months old. Its been hard work but I’ve pretty much sprung back to pre-baby shape after a vaginal birth and breastfeeding. Its taken a lot of exercising and 120 lb weights on the inner thigh machine. Eesh! After reading this I AM OFFICIALLY OFF THE FENCE! We’ll stick to our original “only child” plan. I’m bookmarking this for when I get weak…

      • 72

        Jenn says

        Oh no, don’t jump to that conclusion! There isn’t a mom on here who would trade one of her kids for any other body in the planet! If you’re already thinking of another one at 3 months you definitely should have more (most of us are so zombie-fied and still remember childbirth too well to think of it that early! Lol!)

  1. 100

    Jeni Kramer says

    Oh my god, yes! #4 – mine is less of a muffin top, more of a ziploc bag full of cottage cheese. So very, very sexy.

  2. 105

    Brandy says

    Oh my good gravy! That is hilarious! Vasshole is right up there in my new vocab words. (And I did notice the other day that one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. Could it be? The optician said my face was crooked, too. Bitch.)

    • 108

      Kristin says

      I’m pretty sure the reason for the one eye larger than the other is from the constant quirking of that eye at one of the children or husband because of something ridiculous they’ve done.. but that is of course just my opinon haha… also don’t forget the laying on the back and all of a sudden it looks like your armpits are trying to smuggle semi-deflated airbags… (or maybe that’s just me)

  3. 112

    Angie Murphy says

    Read this 15 minutes ago and I am still chuckling to myself (my daughter keeps looking at me weird)… THANK YOU for these posts – these posts that poke fun at this thing called life, namely parenthood. Keep ‘em coming, because they keep me smiling!

      • 116

        Leslie says

        Took the words right out of my mouth. That ass looks so familiar…

        And “vasshole” OMG, Anna. I didn’t think it was possible, but you just taught me a new v-word. (And I love it!)

          • 118

            Trish says

            Anna, as a Labor and Delivery nurse for 30 years the correct name for it is vagianus (TIC), but the laypersons term is Vasshole. Just in case you’d like a new V word! .

              • 120

                Trish says

                Just like vasshole, it is a made up word, but one that my co-horts in obstetrical nursing would recognize it immediately! The pronouncation is Va-ganus…the “i” is silent. I shared your post on facebook and my co-workers have had a blast with it, as have I. Brilliant!!
                :-)

                • 121

                  Karin says

                  OMG Trish- your introduction of “vagianus” started a whole new burst of laughter, and snarfed tea!

        • 122

          They Call Me Mummy says

          Leslie – teaching you a new “v” word makes Anna a newly-crowned Jedi.

          Anna – I am howling. HOWLING. As for the eye thing: one isn’t bigger, it just looks that way due to the perpetual twitch, brought on by persistent nerve-twanging by those daaaarling offspring of ours…

  4. 123

    michelle says

    omg as a nursing mom of a 16 months old who thinks i’m a fast food joint she knows where the “fridge’ is and knwos to lift my shirt i loved no. 6!

  5. 125

    Amber says

    I was smiling until I got to #4, then I LITERALLY laughed out loud. Thanks for the morning chuckle. Now I’m off to go work on ridding my body of my muffin top.

  6. 127

    Amanda says

    Oh my God! I’m almost speechless. Vasshole? Elephant? It’s a good thing they don’t give you a mirror after a C-section. Pregnancy still changes all that business down there, you’re just not given a hand mirror and a high five for doing something awesome at the end of it. I will be using Vasshole and elephant in not-so-polite company before the week is out!

    • 128

      Marilyn says

      I remember when it was time to get off the delivery table and go have a shower, the firs thing I did was look DOWN. I still have no idea why I did that. I almost fainted and had to lay down for 30 mins. lol

      • 129

        Chrissy says

        Truly…why? I just pretended nothing had changed below my boobs. Lalala…what…you say I had a traumatic c-section with an incision that was too small for my baby and the doctor (not my doctor…this lady was SATAN in scrubs) pulled him out of it anyway, causing lateral tearing inside and out? What? I can’t heeeeaaarrrr youuuu! Lalala

  7. 134

    Aimee says

    Oh god. I don’t know where to start. But one of my two babies (born 13 months apart, becoming 3 and 4 of my vasshole stretching regimen) will wake up any moment. So…my boobs don’t look like baby carrots; they’re still a cup size larger than before I ever got pregnant the first time; but they sure don’t sit as high as they used to. Think about driving from Maine to Mexico. DEEP SOUTH. I never looked to see if I had an elephant. I don’t want to know what it looks like. As far as this blog being excellent birth control I agree. I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old (girls). Who both very slowly backed out of the labor room when things started getting intense. I don’t think they’ll be dropping their drawers anytime soon.

    • 135

      Scarlet says

      During labor one of the nurses started rolling over this huge mirror, asking if I wanted to watch. Um, no. If I’d been meant to see that I’d be that flexible and could do it on my own. I thought I simply said, “No”, but I must have shot her a look that made her quickly retreat with that stupid mirror.

    • 142

      Mary says

      8 to a 9.5. Plus a lot wider. My hubby said if we kept having babies my feet would eventually become as wide as they are long. Like an elephant.

    • 143

      andrea says

      Are you kidding me? I went from a 7 1/2 to a 9 1/2 over the course of 4 pregnancies. I went up 4 cup sizes but not in a good way, I can literally hide my boobs in my armpits, and I have 2 muffin tops, 1 for my pants and 1 for my panties!

        • 145

          christina says

          i cant put them under my armpits yet cause i’m still nursing but i’m sure that’s my future. i also have the dreaded doubletop. although unleashed it’s one huge blob that extends the same as the boobs. my 5 yr old tells me all the time how fat i am and she wants me to be “straight”, aka skinny, like her. my 1 yr old likes to play with my rolls while nursing and play find mom’s bellybutton. i feel bad for the manly cause he’s stuck with the postpartum figure. if you can even call it a figure. this post and everyone’s comments are great tho!!!!

          • 146

            Sasha says

            wow….reading your comment was hilarious.
            P.S. Am a mom to a 2 year old and often wondered whether I just did not take enough care of applying anti-stretch cream on neither my boobs (which looks like an elastic band stretched out of elastic now and all wrinkles!) nor my tummy with a c-scar (an elephant now)

  8. 147

    Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses's Sh*t says

    OMG! The eye thing, yes! I had someone freak out and check me for a stroke, had to inform them that is just how my eyes look post babies. Sometimes if I get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep I can pass as normal, but that almost never happens.

    • 148

      Marie says

      AMEN! I thought I was the only one left looking like Popeye! ;) (and that’s not a wink, that’s my normal expression!) Why the flop does that happen???? I demand a medical explanation!!!

    • 149

      miss bob :p says

      omg so thats what happened to my damn eye LOL if i dont have enough sleep my eye looks soo weird and definitely have a vasshole lol after 3 vaginal births,stitches with the first tears with 2nd n 3rd sh%ts bound to get messy lol glad thats not on display like my EYE lol

      • 151

        Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses's Sh*t says

        I’m just gonna add, thank GOD for Instagram, I can usually find at least 1 filter that makes my eye look normal in any picture :)

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