10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

809 Comments

Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…

Post-Baby-body

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole.  And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts – trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

    • 2

      Angie Murphy says

      I went for a massage not too long ago, the therapist was a young mother of two, and within our conversation about being moms, she said something I will never forget: “You know, when you’re getting busy and your boobs have become two angry pancakes”… I just about fell off the table!

      Show Replies
      • 61

        Violet says

        I always say my boobs look like to eggs when I lie on my back!! LMAO Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way!!!! This made me laugh so hard I think I peed my pants! (and after having children this happens more often than not!!) LOL Got lucky and never had the honors of a vasshole….THANK GOD FOR THAT! But had the honors of being named elastipussy by a family friend! LOL The joys of motherhood, but I wouldn’t exchange it for anything! Well maybe new boobs! LOL

        Show Replies
      • 69

        Jennifer says

        My sisters & I compare ours to dogs: my sister with 5 kids says her

        are Bassett hounds, mine are chihuahuas & our younger sister’s are sharpei’s!

        Show Replies
      • 74

        says

        BEST YOUR LIFE Change Your Life NOW! Mastermind Group Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wihsed to say that I’ve truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again very soon!

        Show Replies
      • 75

        says

        Simply desire to say your arclite is as astonishing. The clearness on your post is just cool and that i can assume you’re a professional on this subject. Fine together with your permission let me to grab your feed to stay up to date with coming near near post. Thanks 1,000,000 and please carry on the rewarding work.

        Show Replies
    • 76

      Jamie says

      Gosh call me crazy but it makes me sad to read all of these negative body comments. Maybe I’m not getting the joke?? So I’ll just go out on a limb and say that I like my 3 kid body!! (And just a reminder that all of the saggy or small breasts are healthy good breasts and we should probably be a lot nicer to them.)

      Show Replies
    • 77

      Joey says

      OMG! The brutal truth is hilarious and eye opening. We were on the fence about a second child, my first is 3 months old. Its been hard work but I’ve pretty much sprung back to pre-baby shape after a vaginal birth and breastfeeding. Its taken a lot of exercising and 120 lb weights on the inner thigh machine. Eesh! After reading this I AM OFFICIALLY OFF THE FENCE! We’ll stick to our original “only child” plan. I’m bookmarking this for when I get weak…

      Show Replies
      • 78

        Jenn says

        Oh no, don’t jump to that conclusion! There isn’t a mom on here who would trade one of her kids for any other body in the planet! If you’re already thinking of another one at 3 months you definitely should have more (most of us are so zombie-fied and still remember childbirth too well to think of it that early! Lol!)

        Show Replies
        • 79

          says

          1efIt’s a good shame you don’t contain a give money botutn! I’d definitely give money for this fantastic webpage! That i suppose for the time being i’ll be satisfied bookmarking together with including an individual’s Feed that will my best Msn balance. That i appearance forward that will recent messages and definitely will share the web site utilizing my best Facebook or twitter team: )

          Show Replies
        • 80

          says

          12fFascinating blog! Is your theme custom made or did you doowanld it from somewhere? A design like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog stand out. Please let me know where you got your theme. Thank you

          Show Replies
    • 109

      Crystal says

      I tore from hole to hole too, no I don’t have a short perenium I just have huge ass babies. Then a nurse told me I didn’t need a sits bath….. Huh? I got one from the doctor. Mine healed up nicely, and I checked out my baby spitter and it looks pretty good to me.

      Show Replies
    • 110

      says

      LucaOctober 26, 2011It is admittedly a prtmaagic rather than a rigorous definition, but this is how we have defined Accessibility Instruments’ in the guidance for the report that the Working Units are making on own accessbility instruments. It is based on the initial action proposal, but importantly, as amended after presentations and discussions at the last WG2 meeting in Edinburgh, with inlcusiveness’ as an important citerion. Accessibility Instruments can be:1.Measuring attributes of places or people – e.g. planning tools to identify how to make places more liveable or ways of identifying the opportunities available to people when planning new facilities or destinations.2.Analytical methods to apply accessibility principles within planning – e.g., parking policy standards based on accessibility criteria or public transport service delivery requirements based on people’s accessibility needs.3.Models to understand dynamic effects and connectedness in transport networks, in particular the dynamics between spatial plans and transport investments.4.Indicator calculation methods where indicators are used to audit, monitor or set standards for planning policies (e.g. travel time indicators)5.Others?An overarching consideration is that we are focussing on information/knowledge to support the planning/policymaking process not on planning/policy measures as such. For example, a policy to locate large traffic generators close to railway stations is not an Accessibility Instrument’. On the other hand, information/knowledge that helps identify what in this context a large traffic generator’ is, or what the level of service of the railway station should be, could be considered an Accessibility Instrument’.

      Show Replies
      • 116

        says

        Hey I am so excited I found your wbeapge, I really found you by error, while I was searching on Askjeeve for something else, Anyhow I am here now and would just like to say thank you for a marvelous post and a all round thrilling blog (I also love the theme/design), I done28099t have time to go through it all at the moment but I have bookmarked it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a great deal more, Please do keep up the awesome work.

        Show Replies
      • 117

        says

        123I simply want to moteinn I’m very new to blogs and really enjoyed this page. More than likely Ie28099m going to bookmark your website . You really have tremendous posts. Many thanks for revealing your web site.

        Show Replies
  1. 119

    Brandy says

    Oh my good gravy! That is hilarious! Vasshole is right up there in my new vocab words. (And I did notice the other day that one of my eyes looks bigger than the other. Could it be? The optician said my face was crooked, too. Bitch.)

    Show Replies
  2. 126

    Angie Murphy says

    Read this 15 minutes ago and I am still chuckling to myself (my daughter keeps looking at me weird)… THANK YOU for these posts – these posts that poke fun at this thing called life, namely parenthood. Keep ‘em coming, because they keep me smiling!

    Show Replies
      • 130

        Leslie says

        Took the words right out of my mouth. That ass looks so familiar…

        And “vasshole” OMG, Anna. I didn’t think it was possible, but you just taught me a new v-word. (And I love it!)

        Show Replies
          • 132

            Trish says

            Anna, as a Labor and Delivery nurse for 30 years the correct name for it is vagianus (TIC), but the laypersons term is Vasshole. Just in case you’d like a new V word! .

            Show Replies
          • 134

            Trish says

            Just like vasshole, it is a made up word, but one that my co-horts in obstetrical nursing would recognize it immediately! The pronouncation is Va-ganus…the “i” is silent. I shared your post on facebook and my co-workers have had a blast with it, as have I. Brilliant!!
            :-)

            Show Replies
        • 136

          They Call Me Mummy says

          Leslie – teaching you a new “v” word makes Anna a newly-crowned Jedi.

          Anna – I am howling. HOWLING. As for the eye thing: one isn’t bigger, it just looks that way due to the perpetual twitch, brought on by persistent nerve-twanging by those daaaarling offspring of ours…

          Show Replies
        • 137

          says

          Hey Rich,The instructions for inallsting the extended version are at the top of this page.Use an FTP program to delete all the WPSS plugin folders in your wp-content/plugins folder and then use FTP to upload the extended version.If the plugin is saying you do not have the extended version installed, it is because you do not have the correct files in the correct location.

          Show Replies
  3. 142

    Amanda says

    Oh my God! I’m almost speechless. Vasshole? Elephant? It’s a good thing they don’t give you a mirror after a C-section. Pregnancy still changes all that business down there, you’re just not given a hand mirror and a high five for doing something awesome at the end of it. I will be using Vasshole and elephant in not-so-polite company before the week is out!

    Show Replies
    • 143

      Marilyn says

      I remember when it was time to get off the delivery table and go have a shower, the firs thing I did was look DOWN. I still have no idea why I did that. I almost fainted and had to lay down for 30 mins. lol

      Show Replies
      • 144

        Chrissy says

        Truly…why? I just pretended nothing had changed below my boobs. Lalala…what…you say I had a traumatic c-section with an incision that was too small for my baby and the doctor (not my doctor…this lady was SATAN in scrubs) pulled him out of it anyway, causing lateral tearing inside and out? What? I can’t heeeeaaarrrr youuuu! Lalala

        Show Replies
        • 145

          says

          13aHello are using WordPress for your blog platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trinyg to get started and create my own. Do you need any html coding expertise to make your own blog? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

          Show Replies
          • 150

            says

            Vesa KanninenOctober 25, 2011First, I would suggest depenovilg this glossary not towards textbook-definition but towards a bit more comprehensive definitions. I feel that the aim should be better understanding of the concepts. Hence, the definitions, while still concise, could incorporate various aspects of the terms in question. This would also enable better explanations of the measures and components. I understand that this, or course, is a more time- and resource-consuming direction, but maybe in the next version we could divide that task and then have another round of discussion? The definitions could also be on two levels: first, the lowest common denominator -type; second, a more elaborated version with more tones .Second, I agree with Derek’s views on land use planning and sustainable accessibility . However, given my first point, I’d work with including a bit of theory and normative aspects into the definition, thus giving it more depth and content. As for sustainable accessibility, while Luca&al are certainly correct in practical terms to say as little as possible , for me that sounds fully context-dependent, which in my mind cannot be the starting point for a definition of a normative concept including sustainability . Third, I would suggest adding a Perceptional component to the list, with a definition revolving around the idea that perceived accessibility is often important in determining a) mode and destination choices and b) the outcomes of planning decisions. The definition should include the idea that it’s about perceived time, perceived ease, perceived cost, perceived quality and perceived culture that (together or separately) form a sometimes difficult-to-measure yet tangible component to accessibility . The perceptional component also has different foci at different spatial scales. I understand that only parts of this can go into computer models or DSSes.

            Show Replies
  4. 152

    Aimee says

    Oh god. I don’t know where to start. But one of my two babies (born 13 months apart, becoming 3 and 4 of my vasshole stretching regimen) will wake up any moment. So…my boobs don’t look like baby carrots; they’re still a cup size larger than before I ever got pregnant the first time; but they sure don’t sit as high as they used to. Think about driving from Maine to Mexico. DEEP SOUTH. I never looked to see if I had an elephant. I don’t want to know what it looks like. As far as this blog being excellent birth control I agree. I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old (girls). Who both very slowly backed out of the labor room when things started getting intense. I don’t think they’ll be dropping their drawers anytime soon.

    Show Replies
    • 153

      Scarlet says

      During labor one of the nurses started rolling over this huge mirror, asking if I wanted to watch. Um, no. If I’d been meant to see that I’d be that flexible and could do it on my own. I thought I simply said, “No”, but I must have shot her a look that made her quickly retreat with that stupid mirror.

      Show Replies
        • 160

          says

          BEST YOUR LIFE Change Your Life NOW! Mastermind Group I was suggested this blog by my csiuon. I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my difficulty. You’re amazing! Thanks! your article about BEST YOUR LIFE Change Your Life NOW! Mastermind GroupBest Regards Shane

          Show Replies
    • 162

      andrea says

      Are you kidding me? I went from a 7 1/2 to a 9 1/2 over the course of 4 pregnancies. I went up 4 cup sizes but not in a good way, I can literally hide my boobs in my armpits, and I have 2 muffin tops, 1 for my pants and 1 for my panties!

      Show Replies
        • 164

          christina says

          i cant put them under my armpits yet cause i’m still nursing but i’m sure that’s my future. i also have the dreaded doubletop. although unleashed it’s one huge blob that extends the same as the boobs. my 5 yr old tells me all the time how fat i am and she wants me to be “straight”, aka skinny, like her. my 1 yr old likes to play with my rolls while nursing and play find mom’s bellybutton. i feel bad for the manly cause he’s stuck with the postpartum figure. if you can even call it a figure. this post and everyone’s comments are great tho!!!!

          Show Replies
          • 165

            Sasha says

            wow….reading your comment was hilarious.
            P.S. Am a mom to a 2 year old and often wondered whether I just did not take enough care of applying anti-stretch cream on neither my boobs (which looks like an elastic band stretched out of elastic now and all wrinkles!) nor my tummy with a c-scar (an elephant now)

            Show Replies
        • 166

          says

          I am writing to let you be aware of what a beeiifcnal encounter my friend’s child encountered using your webblog. She even learned too many things, which include what it is like to possess a wonderful coaching character to let folks clearly grasp selected hard to do subject matter. You truly exceeded my expected results. Thanks for supplying such informative, trustworthy, revealing and cool tips on this topic to Evelyn.

          Show Replies
        • 167

          says

          147Ie28099m not sure if I agree with all of this. Then again, your article is very imironatfve, and quite a large amount of people will walk away out of this post feeling moreeducated than when that they arrived. Overall, you have done a great job.

          Show Replies
      • 168

        says

        In section 3.4.1 (page 42) Some Caveats (to the Investing in Education exmlpae) I think it might be good to add another caveat in future editions: that the interest on the student loan is the same as the assumed valuation rate of 4%. It took me a little thinking to get a clear grasp on this, since I all-too-simply accepted that the PV of the student loan was simply the principal originally borrowed. But clearly the loan interest rate makes a difference, since the higher the rate, the lower the economic net worth of the student should end up being. (Think of an exhorbitant loan interest rate 100% and you get the picture.)

        Show Replies
      • 169

        says

        Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written arclite. I’ll be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of BEST YOUR LIFE Change Your Life NOW! Mastermind Group . Thanks for the post. I’ll definitely return.

        Show Replies
  5. 170

    Kerri @ Elbows Deep in Someone Elses's Sh*t says

    OMG! The eye thing, yes! I had someone freak out and check me for a stroke, had to inform them that is just how my eyes look post babies. Sometimes if I get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep I can pass as normal, but that almost never happens.

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>