10 Reasons Water Parks Are Just Like Bars

Summer is in full swing, and with that comes the task of finding ways to entertain the kids while simultaneously wearing them out. If you can manage to get a tan in the process, it’s just a bonus.

Enter water parks.

Amidst the fun and foot fungus, water parks are a great way to get the kids out of the house while allowing you to lie down and read a book…for about three minutes.

When I was a kid I loved going to the water park. The slides and snack bar are enough to make any kid happy. They’re also enough to break the bank, but it’s a good sacrifice if you can get rid of that farmer’s tan, right?

As an adult, I now view water parks a little differently. Instead of seeing wave pools and water slides, I see potentially drowning scenarios and urine in the pool. Seriously. Sometimes I swear I can actually see the pee in the pool.

Recently I took a stroll down memory lane, and realized that going to water parks when I was a kid was a lot like going to bars in my 20s. Granted, they don’t seem to be similar, but hear me out on this. I was an expert in each arena during the appropriate times in my life. I also frequent each locale occasionally as an adult and am reminded that things are a lot more enjoyable when you’re young.

I’ve got 10 solid reasons why water parks are just like bars:

1. You don’t want to go to the bathroom barefoot. The restroom floors are covered in various bodily excrements and there’s always at least 3 used and abandoned Band-Aids on the floor.

2. Someone is wearing something inappropriate. From ill-fitting string bikinis to crop tops, one thing is certain; either way, you’re going to see someone’s boobs.

3. There are guys scoping out chicks. Perhaps this is just the way of the world, but either location has men staring at skin and hoping someone’s boob will fall out. Fortunately for them, it’s a strong possibility. See #2 above.

4. You get toasted—either by the sun or by the drinks. Spending a day at the pool may cause you to get a little more sun than you wanted to, sending you home in pain with a headache from dehydration. The same is true with a bar, only the pain is from the high heels and the dehydration is from Lemon Drop shots.

5. Food and drinks are overpriced. Both places are going to charge you at least 3 times what you would pay anywhere else…and you’ll pay it.

6. You get a wristband upon entrance. They’re almost like a badge of honor, showing you passed the test (and paid the fee) to get in. They’re also both crappy paper bracelets whose color bleeds as soon as you spill that first overpriced drink on it.

7. The music is horrible. From cover bands of accountants and engineers pretending they’re rock stars to the obnoxious teeny-bopper radio station blaring at the water park, either place comes with a guarantee that the only feet tapping you’ll be doing is when you’re trying to keep them from kicking someone.

8. Someone ends up in tears. Whether it’s a dispute about whose turn it is to use the water gun or whose turn it is to buy shots, someone always ends up crying and throwing a fit.

9. Your hair looks horrible when you leave. Most of the time, it’s because it’s hot and you’ve sweated out your leave-in-conditioner. Other times it’s because someone spilled something on you in the midst of an argument. See #8.

10. It’s best to attend with a girlfriend. Neither location was designed for you to go solo. You need the support of a girlfriend to remind you of all these rules, and to entertain you when the obnoxious people around you start screaming.

Convinced? I thought so. Now go pack your bag and get ready for a day at the park (or a night on the town.)

Or, you could just stay in and watch Netflix. At least if you do that no one cares if your boob falls out.

About the writer

Lisa is a humor blogger who plays an unconvincing lawyer in real life. She shouldn't be allowed around sharp objects, breakables, or anything with carbohydrates. She prefers dogs over most people, and food over most everything. She doesn't have children, mostly because she can barely take care of herself.  She does have a husband who tolerates her, but she’s not sure why. Her blog, lisanewlin.com, will make you feel better about your own life. It will also remind you that vodka is the answer to everything, except if the question is "What should I throw on this fire?" Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.

From Around the Web


Karen 1 year ago

True BUT bars have a big advantage over water parks: no children.
If someone could make a no-kids day at the water park, I’d grab my best mom-friends and ride the slides all day.
I guess I’ll just wait until my little one is old enough to ride the big slides.

Leigh-Mary 1 year ago

The band-aids thing is so true.

Water parks bad.
Netflix good.

Great post.

crzymomma619 1 year ago

Is it me or does the kid in the picture look like she’s jacked? Like she has killer abs! Lol.. And yes I agree on the band aids especially

Jessica Lackey 1 year ago

We always go at the very very beginning of summer and that is it!!!

Andrea 1 year ago

My hair looks HORRIBLE when I leave the bar!

Thor Volokwyn 1 year ago

11. Line ups.

Heather Moore 1 year ago

Water parks, piss parks there just isn’t enough cholrine in the world to het me to go in that water.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I’m so glad you enjoyed this. I had a lot of fun writing it.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

I’m so glad you connected with this one. Who doesn’t love a little water park fun?

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

I’m so glad you enjoyed this!

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

I feel like they only played the same 5 songs. One summer it was always “Wake Me Up Before you Go Go.” I swear I smell chlorine when I hear that song.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I’m so glad you enjoyed it.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

I totally still love water parks. I just love them more with water shoes!

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I’m so glad you related to this one. :-)

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Why can’t people keep band aids on?! There’s waterproof ones that work great!

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I’m so glad you could relate. :-)

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

The thing about water parks is they’re great for wearing the kids out!

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

It’s funny how the older you get you realize just how gross stuff really is. Ignorance really was bliss.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! It’s sad how similar they are…yet hilarious too!

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it. :-)

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I enjoyed writing this one.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Why are there so many band aids? Don’t people know there’s waterproof ones?

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I’m so glad you enjoyed it and got a chuckle.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Thanks! I’m so glad you enjoyed it and found some truth to it.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

Waterparks are definitely….interesting. I can’t imagine there’s enough chlorine in the world to fix what’s lurking there.

Shannon Arias Wysocki 1 year ago

So true!

Juana Cruz Martinez 1 year ago

Soo true

Michelle Meyers Taylor 1 year ago

Spot on!

Amber Brawley Meyers 1 year ago

Haha Love this!

Felicia McCamy 1 year ago

Ok ok I get it;)

Tiffany Shortt 1 year ago


Ali Mac 1 year ago

Hilarious, and SO true! Brings back memories of camp, and dodging those nasty band-aids as if it were a hopscotch game on our way to the bathroom. And YES, the music! Terrible!

Jenny Myk 1 year ago

Very true lol

Teri Wendling-Watson 1 year ago

Much of this is true but I still love water parks! I’m so glad my kids like the slides and wave pools as much as me!

Samantha Justice 1 year ago

That’s definitely true! Too funny :-)

Kristina Noga 1 year ago

Ewww the band aids are unfortunately I can relate to. Blah…

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

I totally wanted to put the thing about vomiting in there, but I did a piece on my own blog a few days ago about how wineries are just like strip clubs, and I totally used the vomit thing there.

But it definitely applies at any of these places.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Lisa Newlin 1 year ago

I haven’t been to a full blown water park in my 30s but I’ve floated the idea past my husband a few times. (Get it? Floated?) Part of me doesn’t want to go because it probably won’t be as magical as I remember. Maybe it’s best left in my memory.

I do, however, rock the public pool. Like. A. Boss.

TanJa Chelise 1 year ago


Lucy Imperial 1 year ago

True, I hate them, but still take my kids once a week aghh

Annamaria-Guarneri Mckean 1 year ago

I try I really do. I’m so skeeved these days..

momtotwo 1 year ago

And you forgot about the vomiting. Either at the end of the night for bars, and 2 days later for public toilets…um, i mean swimming pools. Water-born illnesses are on the rise, hooray!

Katie De Oliveira Anderson 1 year ago

hahahhaa!!! too funny and true

Michele LeMieux 1 year ago

Lol so true!!

Becky Jo 1 year ago

So funny! I still love waterparks in my 30’s!! This has been the hardest summer since I have been prego and unable to go on the waterslides.

Monica Sandgren 1 year ago


Laura Hohm 1 year ago

lol the bandaids, so true

Virginia IceKream Crouch 1 year ago


Emily Nardoni 1 year ago

Hilariously true!!

Regina Corley 1 year ago

True. Water parks gross me out.


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