I don’t know about you, but I can, on occasion, get just a teensy bit stressed out. Between the depressing-as-hell news headlines, kids who are up my ass all damn day, bills, work, and a never-ending to-do list that includes allthethings, sometimes I can get a little…tense…a little anxious and irritable.
Oh, who am I kidding? Sometimes I’m about to lose my fucking shit.
But because adult tantrums are frowned upon, and I’m afraid I might actually throw something at the computer if I hear one more stupid AF conspiracy theory or read one more eyeroll-inducing humblebrag, I’ve had to get creative with my relaxation techniques. An unshowered and stressed-to-the-max mom can only take so many deep breaths, chant so many ohms, and say so many namastes before she starts to resemble a greasy, disheveled Nick Nolte waiting for the officer to hurry up already and snap the mugshot.
So here are a few tried-and-true relaxation techniques guaranteed to help you chill the fuck out when you’re pretty certain the world is going to hell in a handbasket.
1. Bob Ross and His Paintings
My husband and I just recently got a Netflix subscription (yes, we were living under a rock), and on the suggestion of a Facebook friend, I turned on The Joy of Painting one night. Two words: life changing.
Bob’s soothing voice and smooth brushstrokes put me in a near catatonic state of Zen-like bliss within seconds. In fact, his soft voice usually lulls me to sleep faster than a Xanax before he’s even painted the tree line of his current masterpiece. (And they all include a tree line).
On the off chance that I’m not immediately hushed to sleep, Bob’s hippie-dippie inspirational catchphrases are like a salve for my inflamed chakras. Mantras like, “There are no mistakes, only happy accidents” and “Let’s build some happy trees” swirl around in my subconscious mind until my life feels less like Jackson Pollock chaos and more like, well, a Bob Ross painting.
2. Binge Eating Cookie Dough in the Bathroom
I didn’t say all my strategies were healthy, but they’re definitely effective. Whether it’s a bag of Doritos, a fistful of Reese’s peanut butter cups, or heaping spoonfuls of cookie dough, nothing makes a woman feel like all is right in the world as much as binging on simple carbs. In fact, my diet these days can best be summed up as simple carbs and hope.
3. Watching Videos of People Falling Down
It’s a sickness really, but few things bring on a case of deep belly laughs like watching people fall spectacularly. Come on, admit it. You think it’s funny too.
4. A Long Hot Bath
Just kidding. That shit ain’t never gonna happen. Unless, of course, you like hearing a nonstop string of mom-mommy-mama-mum-mother-mom through the door while you soak.
5. Online Shopping
Calgon might not be able to take me away, but Amazon Prime can. Whenever I’m in the midst of a personal crisis or have a case of internet rage, I just click on over to Amazon to stockpile discontinued makeup, download old ’80s music from iTunes, or buy a bunch of clothes I’ll never wear from Old Navy.
6. Swearing Like a Motherfucker
Some situations are such fucktastrophes that a “gosh darnit“ or a “criminy” will do nothing to calm your fuck-frazzled nerves. The only way to CTFD and tame those frayed AF nerves is with a well-placed F-bomb. And few things are as cleansing as a long string of creative expletives.
Whether the F-bombs are directed at the asshat who decided skinny jeans should be a thing (come on, it was a man, wasn’t it?), or at the clusterfuck of disasters in the news, or the shitshow that is parenting, swearing like a motherfucker is downright therapeutic. Give it a try. Shout out a flurry of swear words so raunchy you’d make a biker gang blush, and see how much better you feel.
Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Fuckity fucking fuck!
There. Don’t you feel better already?
7. Rage Cleaning
Or so I’ve been told. The last time I actually deep cleaned was the ’90s.
8. Singing Along With ’80s Music in the Kitchen
Most of the time, I feel like an out-of-touch, untrendy, middle-aged suburban mom. I mean, I couldn’t name an Ariana Grande song if you paid me, and what I thought was “the latest” Taylor Swift song actually came out in 2014.
But whenever I’m feeling funkish and blah, I blast some ’80s music and dance in my kitchen. Nothing boosts a girl’s self-esteem like realizing you still remember every word to “Rapper’s Delight” and “Bust a Move.” Every. Single. Word.
9. Bitching With a BFF
Whenever I’m feeling blue, I text or call up one of my besties for a good old fashion bitchfest. But the key is that after you’ve vented for a few minutes about your annoying co-worker or your whiny kids, you stop talking about anything of substance and instead gossip about people from high school or rehash old episodes of Parks and Recreation.
10. Looking at Sweary Inspirational Memes
As much as I love to swear, I also love those cheesy AF memes with the inspirational quotes. You know the kind, the ones that have a sunset or a field of sunflowers and make you feel like you are the Queen of Momdom — followed immediately by an overwhelming desire to shove those nauseatingly sweet words right up that sunflower’s ass. Enter the sweary inspirational meme. These gems combine my love of swearing with my inner Pollyanna optimist and are, quite simply, the answer to all of life’s problems.
So whenever you’re feeling a little stressed and need to chill the fuck out, why not turn on Bob Ross and pour yourself a fucknormous bowl of cookie dough ice cream?
Hunker down and enjoy the shit out of your caloric bowl of happiness while watching ol’ Bobby paint some happy fucking trees with a goddamn squirrel on his shoulder.
And if that doesn’t give you a case of blissed out fuck-it-ness and you’re still stressed about whatever shitastrophe is brewing, just remember: This too shall fucking pass.