We’re among friends here, right? Good. Because I’m going to tell you a secret: I’m feeling pretty fed up lately.
I’m confiding in you because something tells me I’m not alone in this either. In fact, there seems to be a huge case of fed-up-ness going around lately.
We’re fed up with the horrible news coming through our televisions and across our computer screens. We’re fed up with asshole parents who seem blissfully unaware that there are other people living in this world. We are fed up with people shaming and judging others whenever there’s an accident. We’re fed up with the mean shit we see in the comment sections, and we’re fed up with the ignorant shit people share on Facebook.
We’re fed the fuck up.
I don’t know about you, but I lately I find myself muttering to myself things like What the actual fuck? And you have got to be fucking kidding me. And fuck this shit. Basically I’m swearing a hell of a lot more often these days because there are just no other words for the bullshit and sad state of affairs in the world. I generally try to give people the benefit of the doubt, assume good intentions, and let shit go. But sometimes you gotta say fuck this shit because if you don’t, you’ll end up bloated on nastiness and stupidity.
Here are a few of the massive turds of bullshit causing our collective constipation and fed-up-ness these days:
News Headlines That Make Me Cry
I generally believe that most people are mostly good, and the world is a beautiful place. Some might think I’m just a happy-hand-holding-Kumbaya-singing-naïve-optimistic idealist. But lately I can’t turn on the news without turning into a puddle of tears. It has become very hard to stay in my Bubble of Bliss and avoid the “people suck” mentality. #hastheworldgonefuckingmad
Nasty Comments on the Internet
I’m all for healthy discourse, differences of opinion, and a lively debate, but just one glance at the comment threads these days makes me feel like I need a shower and a stiff drink. Enough. Like my grandma says, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t fucking say anything at all. OK, so my grandma was far too ladylike to swear, but desperate times call for excessive eff bombs.
Junk Mail Is Piling Up on My Kitchen Counter
Spam is filling my email inbox. Telemarketers call all hours of the day and night. And if one more person adds me to a Facebook group selling overpriced jewelry or invites me to play Candy Crush, well, let’s just say there is an Unfriend button and I’m not afraid to use it.
It’s coming from all sides, people. My kids are whining for more snacks and screen time. Parents are whining that anyone expressing a different viewpoint is “shaming” them — whether it’s about helicopter parenting or free-range parenting, eat-it-or-starve or picky eaters, wearing a bikini or not wearing a bikini. And certain political candidates are whining about…oh good grief, I can’t even keep up anymore. It’s like they’ve all watched a few too many episodes of Caillou and caught a case of the whines. Is there an essential oil for that? I’ll check the Facebook group I was just added to without anyone asking me to join.
If I have to break up one more argument between my kids about who got more screen time today, or listen to one more stupid asinine argument between the NRA and anyone with a shred of common sense, I might spontaneously combust into a blaze of hellfire and fucking expletives.
Yes, we all know that your child wouldn’t behave like that. You never would have parented a certain way. And you never would have made a mistake. You are perfectly perfect, of course, but please — for the sake of the rest of us imperfect parents — could you keep your judging bullshit to yourself? It stinks to high heaven, and we’re having trouble breathing.
Racist, Homophobic, Sexist Bigots
I can’t even. Just cannot even.
Cleaning Up Other People’s Shit
Are those dirty socks in the middle of the living room invisible to everyone but me? How about the dishes piled in the sink? Do you not notice the puddle of piss on the toilet seat? Is that your grocery cart you left in the middle of the freaking parking lot? Did you not see the dog that you are walking take a giant poop in front of my house? Clean up after yourselves, people!
Parenting Advice From Non-Parents
Look, I know your pets are little fur babies, but please, please, please save your advice on sleeping, disciplining, and feeding a child until you’ve gotten up with a fussy baby six times a night for months on end, until you’ve actually had to deal with a tantrumming child in a crowded restaurant, and until you’ve had to figure out how to feed a sentient being beyond pouring kibble in a bowl.
The older I get, the more I realize that we never really escape the high school bullshit; it just changes. Queen bees, cliques, and drama is all still there. Ladies, come on! Being a woman is hard enough as it is — what with all the hats we’re wearing, balls we’re juggling, and uncomfortable bras we’re wearing — let’s not add to the challenges by picking at each other. We need to be lifting each other up, not cutting each other down at every turn and for every decision.
Stupid AF Shit
Listen, people, there is not some secret zombie army coming for all your guns and smartphones. There is no second coming of Jesus happening this Friday. And vaccines do not cause autism. Stop it. Just stop it.
As you can tell, friends, I’m feeling a little fed up with the bullshit. And I bet you are too. I think we’re all feeling a little bloated and constipated from the excessive assholery and craptastic news these days. Perhaps we could all benefit from a good cleanse? I’m not talking about the kind that involves drinking 275 ounces of green juices a day and eating lemons rubbed in turmeric for two weeks. No, that sounds fucking awful. The kind of cleanse I’m talking about basically involves a collective agreement to cut the bullshit and start acting like decent people. Easy peasy, right?
Because I think that we can all agree that fuck this shit is the only appropriate response to the codswallop, asshatishness, and dumbfuckery going on these days.