10 Lies Celebrity Moms Tell

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From the moment they get knocked up to their kid’s first birthday and beyond, celebrities spread vicious rumors about the joys of new motherhood. And they’re doing none of us any favors. Here are just a few lies celebrity moms tell…

 

1. They craved cantaloupe while pregnant. Weird, right? Of all the food in all the world, these wild women craved fruit! No they didn’t. They CRAVED hot fudge sundaes and nachos. They ATE fruit.

 

2. They’re “over the moon” and “resting comfortably” after childbirth. Whether you’ve had a vaginal delivery or a C-section, how comfortable were you after delivery? If comfortable means hopped up on Percocet and peeing standing up with a nurse’s assistance, I rested comfortably too.

 

3. Breastfeeding is the only weight loss plan they’re on. Breastfeeding must be code for personal training sessions and meal delivery service.

 

4. Their husbands are all naturals. Where is the celebrity who says, “My husband has no effing clue what he’s doing and I can’t guide him because I don’t know either!”? I didn’t see that couple on The View.

 

5. Their pets love the baby. Sure, we all like to pretend that our pets haven’t become second class citizens – that they are still eating delicious, gourmet, farm-to-table meals and enjoying them while sitting at the table together … like a family. Let’s be honest, their pets hate the baby.

 

6. They’re totally content with their newfound curves. (And I’m totally content being a unicorn.)

 

7. Their babies are “so good.” They never cry, they’re totally laid back and they sleep through the night already. No, YOU, sleep through the night already because YOU have a night nurse and a doula. THEY’RE up screaming their asses off with the rest of us.

 

8. They couldn’t wait until their doctors cleared them to have sex again. C’mon.

 

9. Their jobs are “so supportive” and family-friendly. Think their job is really family-friendly? Or think their colleagues are quietly cursing them as they to run whip out the boob used to calm their screaming baby in between takes?

 

10. They want to have ten more. But they never, ever do. (Unless they’re Tori Spelling. She really does that shit.)

Comments

  1. 1

    Adrienne says

    I thought the pictures of Kate were perfect! She actually looks tired, as we all know she was. But she looks beautiful more than anything. I love that she made an appearance so soon after with no qualms about sharing her body.

  2. 3

    Tasha says

    I wish more celebrities revealed their post-baby body like Kate did. Maybe she’ll set a new trend? LOL! They are going to be such wonderful parents!

  3. 4

    TwinScheetz says

    Knowing how I felt the day after my twins came into this world, I am amazed she made a public appearance so soon. I thought she looked amazing. Bravo to her for showing everyone what your body really looks like after giving birth.

  4. 5

    Amanda says

    After I had my twins, I too wanted to have 10 more because I obviously needed to repopulate the earth with my babies. Then my psycho pregnancy hormones decided to finally vacate my body 9 whole months after I delivered and I realized that was a really stupid idea! Fortunately, I managed to not get pregnant during that 9 months.

    Kate did the rest of us a favor by making an appearance with her natural body. It’s the real look.

    • 6

      Brandi J says

      I actually liked my “still preggo” belly after I got over the shock of it (I too did not realize it “stayed” with you for awhile) – made breastfeeding easier – the belly supported the babes so my arms didn’t tired! lol. My own natural “boppy pillow!” Although it decided to stick around WAY long after I was done breastfeeding. Alas…haha

  5. 8

    catina says

    I wish i had this list before I had kids. I remember crying my eyes out after coming home from the hospital because I still looked 9 months preggers! I was so excited to see Kate’s bump!! Maybe now people will start realizing the truths about motherhood. Thanks Cindy and Virginia!!

  6. 10

    Micah says

    I wasn’t really interested in the royal baby news, but I was very excited to see them leave the hospital and how proud they looked as new parents! Celebrities do lie about a lot of the baby issues, but some of this list I can actually see them telling the truth. I only craved apples and carrots–mostly apples! I still gained 22 pounds, but I probably ate an entire orchard of apples. And my son started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. And I didn’t even wait to be cleared to have sex; 5 weeks pp and I was SO ready to go at it again! So we did. I guess I had it pretty easy this time around, I’m sure my second (and last!) will be complete opposite.

  7. 11

    Amanda says

    You go Kate. Rocking the bloated baby belly, and tired face like a pro. Yet she still looks amazing! I looked like a half beaten deflated tire.

  8. 12

    Mary says

    I loved that she showed her tummy. She looked incredible, as i knew she would. I’m sure her post partum tummy looked so nice and firm was because she was in great shape before my tummy looked more like a water bed instead of a volleyball. Personally I looked like the Stay Puft Marshallow Man for 48 hours after giving birth. My face was swollen to twice its normal size. I followed very second of the royal birth and now that the name has been released, I’m going through post royal baby letdown. I don’t know what to do with myself.

    With my second pregnancy I craved watermelon. I could put away half a watermelon in a sitting. But I normally love it anyway. First baby it was ice cream. I ate it every day for 3 months. Maybe there was a reason I gained forty pounds with the first and only 25 with the second.

  9. 13

    Lo says

    Lol I disagree with 1) I craved TONS of fruit while pregnant….along side the hot fudge sundae’s, 2) Not only was I comfortable, I got up and helped pack up the stuff to go to our room (our hospital had two different rooms for delivery and after) and, 8) I was so high off of “Hear me roar, I am woman and I made this!” I wanted sex hours after….I waited weeks but still wanted it.

  10. 15

    Beth says

    We know she had a stylist fix her up before she emerged from the hospital. That said, she still looked wonderful, happy and exhausted. Did anyone get the feeling at times, though, that she was trying not to start crying? I was a teary mess in the days after my son was born, I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes!

  11. 16

    Kat says

    She looked beautiful! I can’t believe that anybody could criticize her appearance two days after giving birth. Some of these celebrities and media are SO out of touch with reality!

  12. 17

    Vanessa says

    I hate to be that girl, but… #1) I totally craved fruit, and fresh things. Don’t get me wrong I also craved the sweet stuff too, but fruit was definitely one of those things.

    #2) I was up and walking around after birth, and was comfortable. Labour/delivery are easy on me. That’s probably how I ended up having four kids.

    #7) three out of my four were those babies that barely cried, and slept 4-6 hrs for the first 6 months (Don’t stress, they’re turning into pre-teens now and making up for being those awesome babies..)

    #8)I was counting down the days! (again, probably another reason we have four… )

  13. 18

    Joanne says

    Now, now…some women are just aliens plain and simple. Heidi Klum presented her post baby body on the runway flat tummy and all 5 minutes after they took her epidural out. ;)

    What I personally can’t believe is that Kate was walking! 24 hours after I delivered a tiny, small headed baby with no tearing at all, I was still having my bloody sheets changed from under me, squirting myself off after I peed, and wearing an ice diaper. She’s walking up and down stairs! But all I craved during my pregnancy was fruit and during those 6 weeks was sex! I was nervous to start again but I sure was eager to get the all clear to do so!!

    • 19

      Holly@ClubThrifty says

      Some women ARE aliens!
      My best friend walked out of the hospital with her pre-baby size 4 body intact. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. I, however, was not that lucky. My youngest is two and I am still carrying around an extra 7-8 pounds!

  14. 20

    Liz Pifer says

    So true. Amazing how many people have no idea what women really look like after giving birth. Example, this morning on the Today show the meteorologist Dylan Dreyer said "I didn't know you still looked pregnant after having a baby. I thought that was the baby and when it came out you looked normal again," only in Hollywood people.

  15. 21

    Erica Winn says

    @Tiffany Hathorn – 8 HOURS! Lucky duck! I spent 19 hrs of labour with my son, then 2 hrs of active pushing. Be happy you ONLY had 8 hours ;-). That total was only while I was IN the hospital, I had several hours of early labour before going in (so probably around 24hrs total).

    As for the article, my kiddo did sleep through the night too right away. Which I totally needed after-the-fact.

  16. 22

    Ronda says

    percocet? I didn’t get no percocet! I had three tears and they sent me home with a couple ibuprofen! why didn’t anyone tell me I could have had percocet?!

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