10 Lies Celebrity Moms Tell

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From the moment they get knocked up to their kid’s first birthday and beyond, celebrities spread vicious rumors about the joys of new motherhood. And they’re doing none of us any favors. Here are just a few lies celebrity moms tell…

1. They craved cantaloupe while pregnant. Weird, right? Of all the food in all the world, these wild women craved fruit! No they didn’t. They CRAVED hot fudge sundaes and nachos. They ATE fruit.

2. They’re “over the moon” and “resting comfortably” after childbirth. Whether you’ve had a vaginal delivery or a C-section, how comfortable were you after delivery? If comfortable means hopped up on Percocet and peeing standing up with a nurse’s assistance, I rested comfortably too.

3. Breastfeeding is the only weight loss plan they’re on. Breastfeeding must be code for personal training sessions and meal delivery service.

4. Their husbands are all naturals. Where is the celebrity who says, “My husband has no effing clue what he’s doing and I can’t guide him because I don’t know either!”? I didn’t see that couple on The View.

5. Their pets love the baby. Sure, we all like to pretend that our pets haven’t become second class citizens – that they are still eating delicious, gourmet, farm-to-table meals and enjoying them while sitting at the table together … like a family. Let’s be honest, their pets hate the baby.

6. They’re totally content with their newfound curves. (And I’m totally content being a unicorn.)

7. Their babies are “so good.” They never cry, they’re totally laid back and they sleep through the night already. No, YOU, sleep through the night already because YOU have a night nurse and a doula. THEY’RE up screaming their asses off with the rest of us.

8. They couldn’t wait until their doctors cleared them to have sex again. C’mon.

9. Their jobs are “so supportive” and family-friendly. Think their job is really family-friendly? Or think their colleagues are quietly cursing them as they to run whip out the boob used to calm their screaming baby in between takes?

10. They want to have ten more. But they never, ever do. (Unless they’re Tori Spelling. She really does that shit.)

Comments

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  1. 1

    Adrienne says

    I thought the pictures of Kate were perfect! She actually looks tired, as we all know she was. But she looks beautiful more than anything. I love that she made an appearance so soon after with no qualms about sharing her body.

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  2. 3

    Tasha says

    I wish more celebrities revealed their post-baby body like Kate did. Maybe she’ll set a new trend? LOL! They are going to be such wonderful parents!

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  3. 4

    TwinScheetz says

    Knowing how I felt the day after my twins came into this world, I am amazed she made a public appearance so soon. I thought she looked amazing. Bravo to her for showing everyone what your body really looks like after giving birth.

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  4. 5

    Amanda says

    After I had my twins, I too wanted to have 10 more because I obviously needed to repopulate the earth with my babies. Then my psycho pregnancy hormones decided to finally vacate my body 9 whole months after I delivered and I realized that was a really stupid idea! Fortunately, I managed to not get pregnant during that 9 months.

    Kate did the rest of us a favor by making an appearance with her natural body. It’s the real look.

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    • 6

      Brandi J says

      I actually liked my “still preggo” belly after I got over the shock of it (I too did not realize it “stayed” with you for awhile) – made breastfeeding easier – the belly supported the babes so my arms didn’t tired! lol. My own natural “boppy pillow!” Although it decided to stick around WAY long after I was done breastfeeding. Alas…haha

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  5. 8

    catina says

    I wish i had this list before I had kids. I remember crying my eyes out after coming home from the hospital because I still looked 9 months preggers! I was so excited to see Kate’s bump!! Maybe now people will start realizing the truths about motherhood. Thanks Cindy and Virginia!!

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  6. 10

    Micah says

    I wasn’t really interested in the royal baby news, but I was very excited to see them leave the hospital and how proud they looked as new parents! Celebrities do lie about a lot of the baby issues, but some of this list I can actually see them telling the truth. I only craved apples and carrots–mostly apples! I still gained 22 pounds, but I probably ate an entire orchard of apples. And my son started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. And I didn’t even wait to be cleared to have sex; 5 weeks pp and I was SO ready to go at it again! So we did. I guess I had it pretty easy this time around, I’m sure my second (and last!) will be complete opposite.

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