From the moment they get knocked up to their kid’s first birthday and beyond, celebrities spread vicious rumors about the joys of new motherhood. And they’re doing none of us any favors. Here are just a few lies celebrity moms tell…
1. They craved cantaloupe while pregnant. Weird, right? Of all the food in all the world, these wild women craved fruit! No they didn’t. They CRAVED hot fudge sundaes and nachos. They ATE fruit.
2. They’re “over the moon” and “resting comfortably” after childbirth. Whether you’ve had a vaginal delivery or a C-section, how comfortable were you after delivery? If comfortable means hopped up on Percocet and peeing standing up with a nurse’s assistance, I rested comfortably too.
3. Breastfeeding is the only weight loss plan they’re on. Breastfeeding must be code for personal training sessions and meal delivery service.
4. Their husbands are all naturals. Where is the celebrity who says, “My husband has no effing clue what he’s doing and I can’t guide him because I don’t know either!”? I didn’t see that couple on The View.
5. Their pets love the baby. Sure, we all like to pretend that our pets haven’t become second class citizens – that they are still eating delicious, gourmet, farm-to-table meals and enjoying them while sitting at the table together … like a family. Let’s be honest, their pets hate the baby.
6. They’re totally content with their newfound curves. (And I’m totally content being a unicorn.)
7. Their babies are “so good.” They never cry, they’re totally laid back and they sleep through the night already. No, YOU, sleep through the night already because YOU have a night nurse and a doula. THEY’RE up screaming their asses off with the rest of us.
8. They couldn’t wait until their doctors cleared them to have sex again. C’mon.
9. Their jobs are “so supportive” and family-friendly. Think their job is really family-friendly? Or think their colleagues are quietly cursing them as they to run whip out the boob used to calm their screaming baby in between takes?
10. They want to have ten more. But they never, ever do. (Unless they’re Tori Spelling. She really does that shit.)