50 Reasons Not To Have A Baby


A few weeks ago, we visited out of town friends for the weekend. As we were walking around their neighborhood, we ran into their neighbors. How’s your weekend going, they innocently asked? The dad’s response: Great, but the Smoklers certainly serve as excellent birth control.

Um, thanks?

Fortunately, I don’t offend easily. I also don’t agree. I can think of quite a few things that serve as far better reason not to keep procreating than my darling family, thank you very much. Ready?

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1. Throwing up in the kitchen sink because you just can’t make it to the bathroom.

2. Stretch marks on top of stretch marks.

3. Not being able to wear your wedding ring because your fingers have morphed into sausages.

4. Sex with a fetus in the middle.

5. Cankles.

6. Not having your period, but having to still wear a pad.

7. Not recognizing yourself in the mirror.

8. The ninth month of pregnancy.

9. Childbirth.

10. The placenta.

11. Taking that first poop after delivery.

12. The dried out, ready-to-fall-off umbilical cord.

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13. The aerobic workout that is installing an infant car-seat.

14. Running out of wipes at the worst possible moment.

15. Being on the receiving end of endless and unwanted advice on everything involving your baby.

16. Using a breast pump.

17. Writing thank you notes for baby gifts when you can barely see straight.

18. Realizing that the baby weight isn’t, in fact, going to melt off.

19. Living in fear that you will wake that baby who took, OMG seriously, an hour and a half to put to sleep.

20. Cutting teeny, tiny, paper thin fingernails.

21. Obsessively checking to make sure the baby is breathing when he or she is finally soundly asleep.

22. Vaccinations.

23. Worrying that the baby’s floppy head might actually fall off.

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24. Rectally taking temperatures.

25. Sore nipples.

26. Keeping the right size diapers stocked.

27. Keeping the diapers on.

28. Being incapable of having conversations with other adults.

29. Schlepping an infant carrier everywhere and developing uneven bicep muscles.

30. Feeling like the worst parent in the world for not obsessively filling out baby book pages.

31. Projectile vomit.

32. Not being able to soothe a screaming baby in a backward facing seat because you are concentrating on not wrapping your car around a tree, but at that moment it sounds like a fine way to put you out of your misery.

33. Sterilizing bottles.

34. Searching in the middle of the night for a lost pacifier, like it was a million dollar lottery ticket.

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35. Spit up covered shoulders.

36. Accepting that your feet aren’t actually returning to their original size.

37. Baby Einstein videos.

38. Not being able to turn your head because you fall asleep night after night in the rocking chair.

39. Sleep deprivation.

40. Fearing that the baby might prefer someone – anyone – to you.

41. Baby prunes, chicken and rice and squash.

42. Teething.

43. Ear infections.

44. The dreaded six week postpartum checkup.

45. Explosive diarrhea.

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46. Maneuvering a stroller around a store not built for strollers.

47. Changing crib sheets.

48. Trying on your pre-baby jeans for the first time.

49. Having no idea why your clean, fed and burped baby is screaming his or her head off for hours on end.

50. The fact that babies turn into… kids.

Related post: 50 Lessons in Parenting Young Kids

About the writer


In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)


Peach 3 months ago

I was a nanny for 4 years andI agree with every single one, and I add:
51- Overpopulation
52- Temper tantrums
53- You just fed and changed the baby, but since they will NOT stay still, they will throw up on you, your clothes, their clothes, the matress sheets that you JUST changed, and everything else.
54- Back pains, headaches, turning DEAF because of how much and how loud they SCREAM

Nicole Leib 8 months ago

Do people really find this funny??? I find it so sad :(

Nicole Leib 8 months ago

You seem like a huge bitch. Very unloving and self centered.
you are probably a woman who thinks children advance your status in society. So sad.

Alice 12 months ago

That is soo discusting that im never having babies!!

Laura 12 months ago

oh! This!!! Lol. I didn’t deal with projectile vomit (yet) he’s 3. Only one case of explosive diarrhea so far and no spit up or ear infections. But, the rest of this is on point and makes me laugh with just a touch of crying because those early wonderful yet horrendous blurs of days of nights are just pure craziness! But I wouldn’t trade them for anything! Now we have to find his special car of choice at night…every night…

Kate 1 year ago

I never want kids.

51. You have no money for yourself
52. Your identity gets lost in a sea of “MOMMY!” all day long
53. You and your s/o forget why you fell in love with each other

Kate 1 year ago

I never want to have any kids, this just confirms it.

Jennifer 1 year ago

*reading articles like this while six months pregnant ;;thus accepting your fate as a neurotic mess for the next three months and the lifetime of terrifying experiences yet to come… “get a cat” they said “cats are low maintenance” they said. “Nah, babies are way cooler” I said… regardless my bundle of colic and diarrhea is going to be perfect (: and I love her so much already. Also I fear her demon baby powers….but mostly just adore her :)

randi 1 year ago

Stupid… i get having kids isnt for everyone but seriously? Whoever came up with these reasons needs a reality check….. badly!

Laura 1 year ago

I am never going to have children and I am never going to have sex :) best decision I’ve made so far.

Jessica Millar 1 year ago

Pretty wimpy reasons not to….

Deb Brandt-Sarif 1 year ago

true! so true! all of it!! & it seems endless when you are in the middle of it…and now (years later) it seems like a million years ago (#34 made me laugh out loud…I SO remember that night!)

Imani Malika 1 year ago

It’s funny that people are capable of forgetting everything on this list and having kids again and again lol. In the middle of it I’m like why would anyone volunteer to do this again?! I’m on baby number 3 and still don’t have a proper answer for that.

Jenny Martinez 1 year ago

Parenting is the greatest, happiest, most magical thing ever and nothing bad ever happens. As such I am offended by this post. Good day sirs.

    Laura 1 year ago

    I really hope you are being sarcastic…

Sandra Rendon 1 year ago

Hahaha backpacking our babies! 😀 haha #50 made me laugh!!!

Brenda Muñoz Cruz 1 year ago

HELL TO THE NO!!!!! in two years we are backpacking south America! Sandra Cinthya Adriana

Sandra Rendon 1 year ago

So in two year we are all going to have a baby so they can grow up together! 😀 Brenda Muñoz Cruz

    Adriana Maldonado 1 year ago

    Agree with Sandra 😛 She knows wassup!

CE Carpenter 1 year ago

Great points for the silly immature people who think babies are quiet little dolls that can be put away upon tiring of… However, I have three ‘babies’ that have grown to be remarkable young women. I would never trade one freakin stretch mark or puke memory for anything… Everyone ages and life isn’t perfect. Having imperfect little legacies is indescribably wonderful… Hang in there all you parents of wee ones! The time flies by in a heartbeat and when you take them to college you will cry: both happy and sad tears.

Caroline Grenier 1 year ago

Lol. Omg. #’s 20,30 and 47! So worth every damn moment 😉

Aschlei Baker 1 year ago

And to this I say, thank goodness my body can’t have another baby!

Brandy Jo Oliphant 1 year ago

Omg all of this!!! So true!! But worth it all :)

Amanda Brady 1 year ago

Why does every post you do have someone getting butthurt? Too bad people don’t appreciate your sense of humor.

Jessica Wegrzynski Barone 1 year ago

Theses are good

Natalia Mérida Molina 1 year ago

51 having a trip to the beach this weekend and not going cuz baby is sick…

Scarlett LM 1 year ago

Only thing that bothers me (as of right now anyway) about having a baby is pregnancy weight. Seriously I eat 1500 cals a day like I’m supposed to and I workout and I STILL CANT STOP GAINING WEIGHT! If I don’t gain anymore weight, I’ll be happy. I know you’re supposed to gain weight but I’m already up 17 pounds and I’m only half way through. Thank god I have so many friends who are personal trainers and do competitions and stuff so they can get me skinny again 😉 lol

Casey Evans 1 year ago


Jamie Pearce Conti 1 year ago

I had forgotten about #38. Ha! Great compilation 😉

Faith Ciampa 1 year ago

34!! So true!

Suezy Link 1 year ago

Ehhh so u go thru some shit , we get over it, the love u get is worth it, n thers alot more positive, some people cant handle it i guess, u have to be selfless

Tiana 1 year ago

Years and years of diapers. I mean, YEARS.
My oldest is 7 1/2, middle is 5, and youngest is 2; there has been NO break in diapers for 7 1/2 years (middle kid is a boy who refused to use the toilet until he was almost 4). My youngest is a girl and is starting to show interest so there is light at the end of the poop chute.

Ramona Villa 1 year ago

Number one reason to not have a baby: they become teenagers!! That’s scary!

Elee Lanier 1 year ago

I had five kids in 4 1/2 years last ones being identical twin boys…. The twins with ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life taking care of all five of them at such a close age, working part time, bringing them to counseling because of their ADHD, taking them to baseball games.- three separate leagues mind you,The twins are now 23 yrs old, my other son 25. my daughter 26, and my oldest 27 years old. Looking back…it was the toughest thing that I had to do in my whole life…and I don’t know how I did it….but I love them all…and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Amanda Rainville 1 year ago

Too late, due in January with #3, wont change it for the world.

Ashely Carnes 1 year ago

What they didn’t mention is that it is all worth it <3 :)

Danielle Kingston Fry 1 year ago

I didn’t even have to read this…and I know there are way more than 50 reasons to not have a baby!! :)

Fr.Alexander Resnikoff 1 year ago

Nahh. It’s all worth it in the end.

Billions of people can’t all be wrong ! :)

Liza Martin 1 year ago

Stephanie Lewis,: All justifiable reasons. And I am so sick of the parents who coo, “But it’s so worth it.” That’s why I’m letting you guys do the work!

Erika Evans Schuster 1 year ago

Not impressed. Aside from sleep deprivation it’s 100% worth the rest….


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