50 Reasons To Not Have A Baby

183 Comments

have-baby

A few weeks ago, we visited out of town friends for the weekend. As we were walking around their neighborhood, we ran into their neighbors. How’s your weekend going, they innocently asked? The dad’s response: Great, but the Smoklers certainly serve as excellent birth control.

Um, thanks?

Fortunately, I don’t offend easily. I also don’t agree. I can think of quite a few things that serve as far better reason not to keep procreating than my darling family, thank you very much. Ready?

1. Throwing up in the kitchen sink because you just can’t make it to the bathroom.

2. Stretch marks on top of stretch marks.

3. Not being able to wear your wedding ring because your fingers have morphed into sausages.

4. Sex with a fetus in the middle.

5. Cankles.

6. Not having your period, but having to still wear a pad.

7. Not recognizing yourself in the mirror.

8. The ninth month of pregnancy.

9. Childbirth.

10. The placenta.

11. Taking that first poop after delivery.

12. The dried out, ready-to-fall-off umbilical cord.

13. The aerobic workout that is installing an infant car-seat.

14. Running out of wipes at the worst possible moment.

15. Being on the receiving end of endless and unwanted advice on everything involving your baby.

16. Using a breast pump.

17. Writing thank you notes for baby gifts when you can barely see straight.

18. Realizing that the baby weight isn’t, in fact, going to melt off.

19. Living in fear that you will wake that baby who took, OMG seriously, an hour and a half to put to sleep.

20. Cutting teeny, tiny, paper thin fingernails.

21. Obsessively checking to make sure the baby is breathing when he or she is finally soundly asleep.

22. Vaccinations.

23. Worrying that the baby’s floppy head might actually fall off.

24. Rectally taking temperatures.

25. Sore nipples.

26. Keeping the right size diapers stocked.

27. Keeping the diapers on.

28. Being incapable of having conversations with other adults.

29. Schlepping an infant carrier everywhere and developing uneven bicep muscles.

30. Feeling like the worst parent in the world for not obsessively filling out baby book pages.

31. Projectile vomit.

32. Not being able to soothe a screaming baby in a backward facing seat because you are concentrating on not wrapping your car around a tree, but at that moment it sounds like a fine way to put you out of your misery.

33. Sterilizing bottles.

34. Searching in the middle of the night for a lost pacifier, like it was a million dollar lottery ticket.

35. Spit up covered shoulders.

36. Accepting that your feet aren’t actually returning to their original size.

37. Baby Einstein videos.

38. Not being able to turn your head because you fall asleep night after night in the rocking chair.

39. Sleep deprivation.

40. Fearing that the baby might prefer someone – anyone – to you.

41. Baby prunes, chicken and rice and squash.

42. Teething.

43. Ear infections.

44. The dreaded six week postpartum checkup.

45. Explosive diarrhea.

46. Maneuvering a stroller around a store not built for strollers.

47. Changing crib sheets.

48. Trying on your pre-baby jeans for the first time.

49. Having no idea why your clean, fed and burped baby is screaming his or her head off for hours on end.

50. The fact that babies turn into… kids.

Comments

  1. 1

    Stephanie says

    I am going to have to print this out and tape it to the bathroom mirror. You know, in case I get any ideas.

  2. 15

    Alison says

    I have one too – Diaper assplosions.

    Oh wait, another – Not knowing what a hot meal or a hot drink is anymore.

    Wait, wait, last one – Stress incontinence.

  3. 20

    Lisa says

    Letdown – and the moment your realize you aren’t wearing breastpads and you are suddenly warm & wet

    **Maybe we can make it 100 reasons, lol**

  4. 23

    Kelly {the Centsible Life} says

    #50 only works if you know what being a parent to kids is like. You think babies are hard? Just, wait.

    • 24

      Nurse mommy of 5 says

      So right! And those kids turn into even WORSE…TEENAGERS!!!! I seriously thought as long as they could dress and feed themselves and even watch themselves life would be wonderful again…Boy was I wrong, I would rather have 5 school age kids anyday!

  5. 25

    Marlyce Keenan says

    OMG I can relate to EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Plus a few more (which I would now cleverly list if I could think of if I wasn’t so sleep deprived after having 3 babies in 3 1/2 years) but my SIL and a few others have made similar comments about my kids being birth control too….

  6. 26

    Roo @ NiceGirlNotes says

    Well, I need a drink.

    3 kids. Eldest turns four this month. *throws up suburban mom gang signs*

    :)

  7. 27

    Kathy V. says

    I have a 15 month old, and the husband is already talking about having another. I’m going to print out a copy of this and make him read it every time he mentions another baby. I may also try to track down some brochures on vasectomies, just to be on the safe side.

  8. 30

    Summer says

    None of the scares me away from having another baby. Maybe it’s because my first one is so good and has been from birth. I don’t like having to deal with many of the things on this list, but I don’t mind having to deal with those things when it comes to being a mom.

    • 31

      BeenThere Donethat says

      Warning: My first one was so good and so easy I wondered why people complained. I actually thought maybe I’m just born to do this. I decided that I could have six and be another Mary Poppins. Then I had my second. He disproved genetics, looked nothing like my first, acted nothing like my first, and was the last person I ever gave birth to!

      • 32

        Kristin says

        Exactly why I’m scared to have another; my first is sooooo good, I know I’m more likely to get struck by lightening then have a second one this good.

        • 37

          Joy says

          My first kid was a nightmare baby for the first year. He’s now a very laid-back 3 year old. I thought, ok, maybe I got the hard stuff out of the way early? And so we had another. And he is just about as difficult as his brother was. So we are not having any more children.

      • 38

        Amanda says

        Well if the first is a decoy well my first was colic. Up every night to second night all night and day. However I am pregnant with number 5. We have a blended family with soon to be 7 children and I wouldnt have it any other way. 3 from my previous marriage 2 from his and soon to be our final second. While I was done before my third my body had other plans and doctors refuse to do anything even after a conception while using birth control and a condom and I would up having an amazing blended family. The things you go through are not that bad as people make it out to be and it’s apart of being a parent. If I could I’d do it a million times over but the baby part is almost beginning and O Pregnancy is almost at the end of my life plan but I will never forget it as its been the most amazing experience of my life

  9. 39

    Veronica says

    I’m in the Tweens & Teens stages… and finally gave into the fact that my feet are going to stay this size… :(

    I suggest all of you stock up your liquor cabinets for when your babies reach these turbulent years!

  10. 42

    Nikki says

    This is the best natural birth control ever. Sell this to sex education in schools, you’ll make millions!

  11. 43

    Sara says

    You forgot people making passive-aggressive comments about your kids being kids.

    I am numb to pretty much everything on here except #21. I am pregnant with #4, my oldest is 6, and I still check them all several times a night.

  12. 44

    amber says

    Eeeek. Just because I can’t I want those things. Thank goodness I have one. Who’s turning 8. Off to watch a baby story!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>