Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Insane Works of Sandwich Art - May 19, 2013
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
A few weeks ago, we visited out of town friends for the weekend. As we were walking around their neighborhood, we ran into their neighbors. How’s your weekend going, they innocently asked? The dad’s response: Great, but the Smoklers certainly serve as excellent birth control.
Um, thanks?
Fortunately, I don’t offend easily. I also don’t agree. I can think of quite a few things that serve as far better reason not to keep procreating than my darling family, thank you very much. Ready?
1. Throwing up in the kitchen sink because you just can’t make it to the bathroom.
2. Stretch marks on top of stretch marks.
3. Not being able to wear your wedding ring because your fingers have morphed into sausages.
4. Sex with a fetus in the middle.
5. Cankles.
6. Not having your period, but having to still wear a pad.
7. Not recognizing yourself in the mirror.
8. The ninth month of pregnancy.
9. Childbirth.
10. The placenta.
11. Taking that first poop after delivery.
12. The dried out, ready-to-fall-off umbilical cord.
13. The aerobic workout that is installing an infant car-seat.
14. Running out of wipes at the worst possible moment.
15. Being on the receiving end of endless and unwanted advice on everything involving your baby.
16. Using a breast pump.
17. Writing thank you notes for baby gifts when you can barely see straight.
18. Realizing that the baby weight isn’t, in fact, going to melt off.
19. Living in fear that you will wake that baby who took, OMG seriously, an hour and a half to put to sleep.
20. Cutting teeny, tiny, paper thin fingernails.
21. Obsessively checking to make sure the baby is breathing when he or she is finally soundly asleep.
22. Vaccinations.
23. Worrying that the baby’s floppy head might actually fall off.
24. Rectally taking temperatures.
25. Sore nipples.
26. Keeping the right size diapers stocked.
27. Keeping the diapers on.
28. Being incapable of having conversations with other adults.
29. Schlepping an infant carrier everywhere and developing uneven bicep muscles.
30. Feeling like the worst parent in the world for not obsessively filling out baby book pages.
31. Projectile vomit.
32. Not being able to soothe a screaming baby in a backward facing seat because you are concentrating on not wrapping your car around a tree, but at that moment it sounds like a fine way to put you out of your misery.
33. Sterilizing bottles.
34. Searching in the middle of the night for a lost pacifier, like it was a million dollar lottery ticket.
35. Spit up covered shoulders.
36. Accepting that your feet aren’t actually returning to their original size.
37. Baby Einstein videos.
38. Not being able to turn your head because you fall asleep night after night in the rocking chair.
39. Sleep deprivation.
40. Fearing that the baby might prefer someone – anyone – to you.
41. Baby prunes, chicken and rice and squash.
42. Teething.
43. Ear infections.
44. The dreaded six week postpartum checkup.
45. Explosive diarrhea.
46. Maneuvering a stroller around a store not built for strollers.
47. Changing crib sheets.
48. Trying on your pre-baby jeans for the first time.
49. Having no idea why your clean, fed and burped baby is screaming his or her head off for hours on end.
50. The fact that babies turn into… kids.
{ 138 comments… read them below or add one }
I am going to have to print this out and tape it to the bathroom mirror. You know, in case I get any ideas.
Stephanie recently posted..Ten Ways to Tell You’re Outnumbered by Toddlers
Ditto. I’m laminating it, so it lasts!
I got one.
Twins
Mom Off Meth recently posted..View from…
And this is why I’m going tomorrow morning for an IUD – 3 is enough!!!
Jenn recently posted..Wordless Wednesday Linky: Hungry Smurfs
Zero sounds better to me.
I said 3 was enough…. My 4th is an IUD baby!! :) Good Luck
Best birth control ever!!!
51. Baby poop under your nails.
Tanya Doyle recently posted..A Ballerina and Her Socks
Ugh, yes.
Eeeew!!!! Ha ha ha!!!
Boogers…And the appetizing sight of a two track trail of green snot running down baby’s upper lip.
Sigh. I’d type a “hell yes” if I could get this damn ring off my finger.
anymommy recently posted..Fiveness
I have one too – Diaper assplosions.
Oh wait, another – Not knowing what a hot meal or a hot drink is anymore.
Wait, wait, last one – Stress incontinence.
Alison recently posted..This City
Well, that was very depressing, considering I’m 6months pregnant!
Oh, but it’s all so rewarding! (insert evil laugh)
Arnebya recently posted..My Son Still Uses a Pacifier at Night. There, I Said It.
dont worry,one smile from your baby will make your heart melt,according to moms near and far.but i wouldnt truly know.i’m childfree.
Oh, I needed this. I needed this bad.
Letdown – and the moment your realize you aren’t wearing breastpads and you are suddenly warm & wet
**Maybe we can make it 100 reasons, lol**
I got tired. I think with help, we could probably make it to 1000!
Or try a let down during sex when your hubby is squashing your squirt guns and they accidentally backfire.
#50 only works if you know what being a parent to kids is like. You think babies are hard? Just, wait.
Kelly {the Centsible Life} recently posted..BlogHer 2012 in Photos: Wordless Wednesday
So right! And those kids turn into even WORSE…TEENAGERS!!!! I seriously thought as long as they could dress and feed themselves and even watch themselves life would be wonderful again…Boy was I wrong, I would rather have 5 school age kids anyday!
OMG I can relate to EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Plus a few more (which I would now cleverly list if I could think of if I wasn’t so sleep deprived after having 3 babies in 3 1/2 years) but my SIL and a few others have made similar comments about my kids being birth control too….
Well, I need a drink.
3 kids. Eldest turns four this month. *throws up suburban mom gang signs*
:)
Roo @ NiceGirlNotes recently posted..How to Work a Blog Conference Like a G
I have a 15 month old, and the husband is already talking about having another. I’m going to print out a copy of this and make him read it every time he mentions another baby. I may also try to track down some brochures on vasectomies, just to be on the safe side.
Kathy V. recently posted..I Didn’t Hump Anyone’s Leg. I Promise.
Yes, yes and yes.
Also – being peed on, drooled on and pooped on.
Tova Darling recently posted..How to Entertain a Baby
Oh, the drool. How could I forget about the drool?!
None of the scares me away from having another baby. Maybe it’s because my first one is so good and has been from birth. I don’t like having to deal with many of the things on this list, but I don’t mind having to deal with those things when it comes to being a mom.
Summer recently posted..You’re Out of Here (snippet)
Warning: My first one was so good and so easy I wondered why people complained. I actually thought maybe I’m just born to do this. I decided that I could have six and be another Mary Poppins. Then I had my second. He disproved genetics, looked nothing like my first, acted nothing like my first, and was the last person I ever gave birth to!
Exactly why I’m scared to have another; my first is sooooo good, I know I’m more likely to get struck by lightening then have a second one this good.
I agree!!! If my 2nd was my first…there wouldn’t be a second!
Someone told me the first child is a decoy for the second, she was right. These kids work together that way.
ah see my first was horrible my second is an angel
They say if your first kid is a good kid then dont have anymore. Because you only get one.
I’m in the Tweens & Teens stages… and finally gave into the fact that my feet are going to stay this size… :(
I suggest all of you stock up your liquor cabinets for when your babies reach these turbulent years!
Veronica recently posted..Where Has the Time Gone?
Add a lock to the liquor cabinet at the same time.
Vanessa recently posted..5 Things About Preparing For A Job Interview
I have a 16 yr old ds, 13 yr old dd, 12 yr old dsd and a 3 year old dd! I think I need to start my liquor cabinet soon!
This is the best natural birth control ever. Sell this to sex education in schools, you’ll make millions!
You forgot people making passive-aggressive comments about your kids being kids.
I am numb to pretty much everything on here except #21. I am pregnant with #4, my oldest is 6, and I still check them all several times a night.
Eeeek. Just because I can’t I want those things. Thank goodness I have one. Who’s turning 8. Off to watch a baby story!
a classic….
Yeah I just recently had to face the fact that I now wear a size eight shoe, when I’ve always been a seven. And all that other crap too, though I have to admit I do find Baby Einstein videos strangely hypnotic.
Hilarious (and oh-so-true) post! :)
Kristen Mae recently posted..Is That a Roku In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
I went from a 7 to an 8, too. I’m still pissed off about that one.
Try going from a 12 to a 12 extra wide with no looking back :-(
Oh God. I’m pregnant with #2 and I had forgotten about some of those things. Hyperventilating… Right now I’m back in the “puke in the kitchen sink” stage as well as a “must sing If You’re Happy and You Know It over and over again in the car to keep toddler from screaming” phase…
for #46, I had a double stroller!!
Hahaha! So true! Although, my biceps are even, thanks to twins. But that also means the 9th month of pregnancy was extra hellish. Never EVER want to do THAT again.
Yes. Amen. Preach it.
Jessica recently posted..Hey T, Buy Me Some Stuff.
Nah..After the 3rd NOTHING phases you…And after the 4th the tubal kinda fixes any stupid thoughts you might have. Drunk/stoned/on acid,..
I have one to subtract – 9th month of pregnancy. I’ve never had it but can’t imagine that it’s worse than the 10 and 183 day NICU stays.
And I’ll replace that with, Skidmarks. Constant, Thick and Chunky Skidmarks on a child that’s been very capably potty trained for quite some time.
How about #50… Then they turn into TEENAGERS! Yowza! Though I liked the comment about getting a liquor cabinet and putting a lock on it.
Agreed… Only… I still want another because none of that really bothers me. Not that it will happen since hubby got fixed. :( I’m going to be one of those crazy strangers who stare at pregnant women in the grocery store.
Oh yes! # 32 is so true and I # 48 makes me want to cry just thinking about it. So yep three it is for me too!
Just when I was getting ready to try to have another one, I read this! lol.
VANESSA recently posted..The World Premiere of The Odd Life Of Timothy Green & CJ Adams is on #TeamLoki! #OddLife #TimothyGreen
Well, these are really true reasons.
Ann Fantom recently posted..Gain a Bigger and Harder Erection Naturally
51. The laundry that comes with a newborn
52. The first poop after they have eaten solids for the first time.
53. Potty training
54. De-pacifier-ing
…
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Preparing for a family vacation : cleaning out the freezer/pantry couscous
OMG, the laundry. The laundry killed me! But, I’m now in pool towel hell, so at least that shit was cute in comparison.
#51 – don’t have another one because you secretly want to keep being a stay at home Mom and you know you’re expected to go back to work when the kids are in school. Can’t tell you how many Dads I know who were presented with “Surprise” third and fourth children because of this…
#19 is my main one – having to sneak around the house like a ninja warrior to make sure i don’t wake the baby.
Anna recently posted..Old Photo Friday: The Yellow Bikini
Holy hell I looked like a fucking bank robber going through a laser trap on my squeaky wood floors when dd was tiny!LOL
You forgot sneezing and peeing at the same time because those muscles are not what they used to be!
Many of those items on your list is why it took us so long to decide whether or not we wanted a third.
Turns out, I have amnesia. I’m due in February.
Kmama recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: Good Boys
I must have been delusional the entire first year as none of the items listed above bothered me! Maybe I just have a different perspective after having such a difficult pregnancy.
And may I add another item to your list? …TUITION!!!!
Lynn Kellan recently posted..Write this for me
This is riduculous… if people really feel this way then they should definitely not reproduce…
It is called SARCASM , perhaps you could learn about it before coming to what is known as a sarcastic, tongue in cheek blog that talks about parenting in REALITY so the rest of us don’t think we are alone .. geesh someone needs a time out..
Angel recently posted..My name isn’t Helen Keller and I am not the miracle worker
Jenn must not have kids or has 1 super baby. You don’t know you’ll feel this way until you have 1. I made sure I didn’t have a 2nd that is for sure!
Make that 51 reasons – kids turn into TEENAGERS!
Denise Malloy recently posted..How’d You Find Me?
I can’t believe he said that to you. What a jerk!
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..What do your nightmares say about you?
A. MEN!!!
Blonde highlights accented with diarrhea and/or vomit streaks in 3-day dirty tresses.
Lollie ~ The Fortuitous Housewife recently posted..BlogHer 2012: Adventures in the BlogHer-hood
OhMyGawd you just COMPLETELY reinforced why I had my tubes tied last time. Yeah….
Elaine recently posted..A New York State of Mind
I actually tore the ligament in my wrist carrying my son’s carrier when he was a baby. I have to tell you that made life really fun since I couldn’t use my right hand for six weeks.
Sara Thompson recently posted..Workout at the Playground
I would add: having a mommy brain (for instance, looking for your phone WHILE TALKING ON THE PHONE). Also, being controlled by the alien forces called hormones (for instance, crying like a stupid baby every time that P&G commercial comes on).
galpod recently posted..Olympic Fever
Mommy brain… mine are 20 and 17, and I STILL look for my phone while talking on it. And yes, I would have another IN A HEARTBEAT if it was possible! If I had to add another “deterrent” it would be Hyperemesis Gravidarum. The reason we stopped at 2. :-/
HAHA best mommy brain moment for me was craving pizza and calling up a girlfriend to say we had to go to Boston Pizza for pizza if they were open (it was noon) and being devastated when she told me they didn’t serve pizza until after 3!! I was in tears, literally!!!
Funny thing is that I’m good with almost everything on this list and most people’s comments – toddlers & teenagers are a piece of cake compared to that dreaded F-word: four year old.
Angela recently posted..Special Needs and Birthday Parties
Amen!!
I’ve long suspected that if you have a baby, you need to take care of it. A deterrent, if ever there was one.
Sex with a fetus in the middle…LOL!
June O’Hara recently posted..My Olympian Life
THIS.
My youngest is now 9 1/2 and I’d forgotten most of them, will print out and stick this up to read whenever I feel broody :)
All of these reasons are why my IUD is my best friend.
Rachel Voorhees recently posted..Chunky pearl tomato and cucumber salad
Oh, the stiff neck from the rocking chair! Or from bringing the baby (finally) into bed with you and lying precariously on one side.
Yours in sleep deprivation,
Chalupa
Just live with pre teens and teens for a month. That’s all you need for birth control.
I have one: Those cute, funny little toddlers grow into smart-mouthed, know-it-all teens!
Omg, steralizing bottles! Ef! I’m soo glad I don’t have to worry as much about that any more. I once left the microwave steralizer in the microwave for 20minutes!
omg. i had totally forgotten about baby crib sheets. thanks for the memories:)
How about cleaning up the stream of poop dripping from your baby as she swings back and forth? That was one of my favorites.
Also, cleaning up puked-up grape juice that dripped UNDER the carseat … several months to late to ever get the seat clean again.
If it were up to me I’d have a whole lot of them, but sadly it is not.
Corey Feldman recently posted..20 things for which I’m grateful
You had me at number one. I am right there with ya sister.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
No Doubt. I am at 21 weeks and have spent the last 3 mornings using the kitchen sink. UGH.
I’m 8 weeks pregnant with my 1st this is only the beginning… :(
Don’t be discouraged! I’m typing this with my left hand while nursing slouched over, holding my 3 month old daughter on my right arm…it’s ALL true, but made me laugh so hard I cried because it’s REALLY nice to know you’re not alone in experiencing this wacky stuff!
We have a seven year old and an almost five month old. He wants three more, starting asap……
I’ve been told that my family is excellent birth control as well. Good thing I’m also not easily offended. Someone (a 24 year old, single, size two chick) once told me, “You certainly don’t make it look easy.” Uh, thanks? That’s cause it’s not easy, fuck you very much!
Love the list. I’d add trying to still be a wife (read: have sex) after dealing with kids all day.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..Trapped
And yet, people are doing this again and again…
Your “reasons” not to have a baby sound more like reasons to have one. If you wanted to get serious about not having a baby, use better reasons. These are pretty lame.
I am not deterred. Especially after reading your other post that you just wrote. This is probably bad news.
well this would have been better for me if i still didnt have a 14 monthd old. a good half still apply. ugh. i’ll just keep telling myself, 3 is enough! 3 is enough!
Bath time… so sweet and fun at first. Four years later when you are still having to do it, not so much.
And, those little meat sticks they eat when they are moving to a solid diet. Those things are so nasty.
Jennifer recently posted..Project 365, Week 32
you forgot the biggest one. post partum depression. that doesn’t ever fully lift – even after 7.5 years. that and the noise. the never-ending noise.
Acupuncture finally lifted mine after 10 + years. That & leaving my husband;)
Stephanie you named two big ones for me…hate the depression and hate the noise! Oh for peace and quiet. I’d keep the depression! lol
I thought I wasn’t going to have any kids, actually told my mother it wasn’t going to happen. Then last year I had my daughter. After reading this, some of it happened and a lot didn’t. Sure, sometimes it was hard to deal with, but I have to say that the baby stage goes by soooo quickly. And sure, they turn into kids, but I find it fascinating at how they learn and what they learn. It’s so rewarding. BUT I also have to agree…if you don’t want a kid, don’t have one. We don’t need anymore unwanted kids.
Nothing could change my mind on having children .. I have six under seven and I love every min of being a mother and all the ups and downs that come with it….
haha at first I thought you said “I have 6 or 7..” :P
We just had our bonus baby 11 weeks ago (first 2 were fertility treatments). I came up with the best lesson for Sex Ed classes. Forget handing out condoms & fake babies, that just glorifies having sex. Instead for a week make kids walk around smelling like baby poop and baby puke. Make them go unshowered, wearing clothes with puke or poop stains, and sleep deprived. The will NEVER have sex.
I think you just helped us make the irreversible decision. Thank you!
I always made sure that my mother or mother-in-law was around or was babysitting, for the most part, when fingernails needed to be cut. I can probably count on two hands how many fingernails I cut for my two children. I figure since they are all knowing, they can be all doing for any tasks I don’t like. That includes sewing button, darning socks and taking up hems and taking in pants/skirts.
I love this post!! my son turns 5 in a few months and everyone keeps asking when number 2 is coming.. and I was very undecided as to whether I wanted another now or not.. just post reassured me that I definitely DON’T want another baby now.. thanks :)
this is so funny. I guess having only an 8yo makes u forget about all the reasons not to have another one. thanks for reminding me ;)
This should come with a disclaimer. Do not read while eating a sandwich. Gagged not once, but twice.
The fence was starting to hurt my bum, and this is exactly what I needed to push me to the childfree side of the fence.
Thank you, thank you, and once again, thank you!
Sex with the fetus in a middle. I like this. LOL.
Diana Stanshop recently posted..EyeSecrets Instant Eye Lift Secret
This is effective for not having a baby. HEHEHEHE.
Laura Parker recently posted..Lose Weight with Colon Cleansers
There is not one thing on this list that I haven’t personally dealt with, and yet here I am four and a half months pregnant with my second. Why couldn’t you have posted this 6 months ago?!
Cassie recently posted..The Name Game
I find small children to be quite boring…and then they turn into horrific teenagers. Travel, sleep, and independence are much more important to me than having children.
You forgot about those days when the clean clothes you just put on your child end up looking like they we’re rolled in a bag of soil, minutes after walking out of the house.
Everytime I go to the bathroom, my mini entourage of 3 year old Talon and 11 month old Bentley are always a few steps behind!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!! Waiting for the day when everywhere I go turns into a group thing!!!
I actually meant to say Waiting for the day when everywhere I go stops being a group thing!! Hey its 6:30 am and Im changing a pee soaked baby, cut me some slack!!
Well, my daughter is 12 and I still to this day cannot go to the bathroom or take a shower without her deciding she needs to have a conversation or use my flat iron right then. Did I mention she has her own bathroom?? Someday this is going to stop…right?
I’ll just add these to the 99 other reasons my husband and I have in a notebook….
How about some reasons not to have kids that aren’t so negative?
You’ll be able to sleep through the night.
You’ll have more money for food, bills, and doing fun things.
You’ll have peace and quiet whenever you want it.
You can go wherever you want, whenever you want, without having to worry about getting a babysitter or dragging along the kids.
I get the feeling that negative is the only way most of these people know how to be. Kids actually are pretty great, when they aren’t raised by hateful, selfish people.
Don’t forget clogged ducts!
I think it’s sad that people are complaining so much when there’s people who are unable to conceive.
I think it’s funny how much you all hate your kids. They are purely your creation, so if you think they’re so horrible…No, really, it’s so CUTE how much you hate yourselves, then deliberately create children so you can blame THEM for your miserable lives. Spend all your time writing and bitching online instead of parenting, and then you blame THEM for being so awful, lol. Of course they’re awful; look who raised (or didn’t raise?) them! They don’t stand a chance of growing up to be decent people, but don’t they make wonderful best-seller material for the misery-market? LOL.
Sigh. Everyone talks about the good and it is nice to be able vent and commiserate about the not so good. Looking forward to it all with my second in June.
These are too funny. I love the baby stage. My son who is 18 months now, was the sweetest little baby. Minus throwing up every time he had a boobie. Then he learned how to walk. I love watching him learn new things! I do not love that he climbs up everything! Plus I have incredible arm muscles now;)
I have three kids a 9yr old D, a 6yr old S, and a 3yr old S. I am also 4 weeks pregnant and loving every minute of it. Of course there are down falls to having a baby, but the good outweighs the bad. It sounds that almost every women on here does not have one or either like my aunt who had one and went through a ruff labor and decided not to have another one, but most women don’t care about the negatives because there is so many things good about having a baby. It also sounds like most women on here don’t need the list they have the fact that they don’t like kids to push them to not have one
This list has made me not want to have a child cause it all seems so horrible…like what’s the point of it all?
Super depressing
Geez…this makes me never want to have kids…I want to be happy not burnt out for the rest of my life!!
52. Twins
LOL…. so WHERE was this before I had child #5!?! My baby is now 17, I’m a grandmother, and I’m NOT sharing this! I WANT MORE Grandchildren…the REAL reason we DO NOT kill our teenagers! ;O
To you dear people who take this seriously… LIGHTEN UP! And yes I think I experienced every one of these, at some point or another. I carried 6 babies full term. One was still born, so I fully appreciate how precious life it.
An untidy house all the time!
:)
Reading this had me smiling, while all of those things may be unpleasant at the same time they are apart of parenthood and I kinda find it endearing. I kinda want another one.
I don’t get it. These reasons are just general knowledge, about what it’s like to have kids, however, soooo many people STILL choose to have them. I understand that this is little you + a man/woman you love in one body (as well as instinct), but is it really worth it? Is it really worth losing yourself for this? I would think that there is actually more reasons out there to not have kids than to have them.
Don’t have a baby so that you do not force someone else into this world of suffering. That is the best and finest reason of all.
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