10 Things I Forgot To Put On My Baby Registry



There are few things that are as stressful and exciting to a first time expectant mom than the baby registry. We spend hours shopping and planning ahead for that mystery child of ours, completely clueless about what the hell we’ll actually need. A wipe warmer? Sophie the giraffe? Snort. Here’s what I I really needed once I had a baby…

1. A full-time nanny. Preferably one who is a wet nurse and does sleep-training.

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2. Five huge packs of overnight maxi pads. I was NOT prepared for all that post-birth bleeding. Nor were my underpants.

3. A wine sippy cup. And a subscription to a Wine of the Month Club. Do they make Wine of the Week Day Clubs?

4. New boobs. Oh, and while I’m under the knife, go ahead and do one of those vaginal rejuvenation things, too.

5. A case of Children’s Benadryl a.k.a. The Only Thing That Will Help My Sick Child Sleep.

6. A waterproof mattress pad. For MY bed. Leaky nipples and new mattresses do not go well together.

7. A white noise machine. Not sure why these are marketed as products for babies…it’s the moms who need these to drown out the all the crying.

8. Breastmilk alcohol test strips. See #3.

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9. A gift card to Ann Taylor. Somehow I don’t think my Forever 21 wardrobe is gonna cut it anymore.

10. Marriage counseling sessions, because (surprise!) parenting brings on a entirely new set of things for you and your spouse to argue about.


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  1. Kris says

    This list is awful. Ugh, sleep training has proved this to be harmful. Breast milk alcohol test strips, completely unnecessary – if you’re safe to drive, you’re safe to breastfeed. New boobs and vaginal rejuvenation – great message to send us all. I am more than my body. I hope someday you can feel at peace with yourself too. I wish prominent mommy pages wouldn’t promote crap like this.

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    • Brianna says

      You realize that the whole point of “Scary Mommy” and the bloggers here is to promote normalcy, not “super mom” behavior, right? That it’s okay to feel these things and you shouldn’t be harangued by others for how you feel or what you feel – unless it is legitimately going to cause harm to someone. These are things SHE wishes SHE could put on her baby registry, not things she WANTS women to put on THEIR registries. If you can’t stand humor that is so dry and sarcastic, perhaps you should find a different community that promotes condemnation towards mothers who just need to let loose once in a while.

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    • AY says

      I think you might have stumbled across this website by mistake. There are plenty of sites out there that give straightforward information without a side of humor, sarcasm, or general reminders that we’re all human. If you ever feel like letting your guard down, laughing at yourself, or realizing that none of us are perfect, feel free to come on back!

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  2. Sarah Donza-Hughes says

    HILARIOUS!!!! I never thought of the waterproof mattress for my bed until my daughter peed on me and all over my bed. I have one now!! LOVE THIS!!

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