Your Penis Won’t Fall Off And Other Things Boys Should Know

Your Penis Won't Fall Off

My dearest sons,

You know the dangly appendage that occupies your thoughts and/or your hands for a large percentage of the day? Well, as a concerned mother, I feel it’s my duty to enlighten you on the subject of your penis.

Now, never having been in possession of one myself, I can’t be considered an outright expert, but I’d like to think that my experience raising you counts for something. After all, I’ve seen enough nakedness around this piece to rival any nude resort. So, for you, and any other boys out there, here are nine things you should know about your penis.

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1. Relax; Your penis won’t fall off.  It will stay right there in your pants (provided you’re wearing any), so you can stop clutching it while you watch TV and falling asleep with it in your fingers. In fact, it will be with you for the rest of your life, so maybe you should think about being a little less rough with it.

2. One exception: Having a firm grip on it is encouraged – and preferred – when using the toilet. It’s floppy, and when you don’t have it under control, you spray like a leaky hose.

3. Keep it in your drawers, ok? (This is a piece of advice that will have a different, but equally significant, meaning during your teen years – so don’t forget it.) There’s really no need to lay it on your brother’s arm. Or dip it in your chocolate milk. Or poke it through the hole of a DVD. Or wrap it around your eating utensils. Or your pencil. Or your brother’s pencil.

4. It might not hurt you when you stretch it out ten miles long like it’s made of rubber, but it hurts me just looking at it, so stop.

5. On rare occasions, you may actually let go of it in order to grasp something else. Like a sandwich, or your brother’s face. In the event of such occasions, hand-washing before you touch anything else is the courteous (and sanitary) thing to do.

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6. It’s not the end of the world when it’s facing the wrong way or bunched up in your underwear. No need for a meltdown.

7. It’s handy and portable and all that, but just because you can pee anywhere doesn’t mean you should.

8. If you’re gonna stretch/dangle/pull/twist/twiddle or otherwise manhandle (boy-handle?) it, please do so in your room and spare us all a little awkwardness. Please.

9. I’ve seen it a million times, so there’s no need to waggle it in my direction after your bath, nor make it dance and jump around by thrusting around like Elvis with a hula hoop. (This also goes for your dad, so pass that tidbit along.)

I’m hoping this letter will serve as a handy reference to the proper penile etiquette, and that you’ll start having a little ding-dong dignity.

You’ll thank me later… or at least your wife will.

Lots of love,
Mommy

Related post: 10 Things Never to Say to a Mom Expecting Another Boy

About the writer

@fightingfrumpy

Rita Templeton is a writer and mom to four lively, imaginative little boys. She lives in Ohio, where she maintains her sanity by blogging at Fighting off Frumpy (and occasionally locking herself in her closet with a box of cookies). Come say hi on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

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Renee 3 months ago

I just laughed so hard! This is my life.. Every. single. day… I sure do love my boys but this is spot on! <3

Alyssa 11 months ago

My son’s turning seven and we taught him about privacy at the age of four… So I haven’t run into any these problems. He’ll actually do anything he can to keep me from walking in on him.

Ash 11 months ago

Aw, I straight up cried. Hilarious, especially #3 which completely describes my four year old.

Dan 12 months ago

Dear Ladies — I’d like to correct a very common misconception. MOST of the time when we guys miss the toilet, it is NOT because we’re being careless with our aim. You may not have this issue, but, sometimes, our pee hole gets stuck together. Yes, that’s right. It’s not uncommon that when we first start to urinate, the urine does not come out in one straight stream. Sometimes it shoots right. Sometimes it shoots left. Sometimes, get this… it comes out as two streams — in two different directions!!! It takes us a moment or two to correct our aim and hit the target.

Rather than yell at your boys (or your husband) for being careless, you’d be better off telling them to wipe up the floor and around the toilet. Or get a standing urinal installed. Then you’d never have to complain about the toilet seat being left up.

Just thought you should know.

Brian 12 months ago

The high rate of circumcision is the U.S. may be an important factor in this issue. I know it’s not the only cause. My 3 boys are whole, and did do this a little. What curious boy wouldn’t? But it’s heartbreaking to read descriptions of the effects on the sensitivity of the penis because of circumcision: extremely high sensitivity when young because the protective hood has been removed, and decreased sensitivity in older age from constant exposure to the remaining sensitive parts. Please keep our boys intact and spare them the struggles of the effects of this unnecessary removal of an extremely important body part.

mindy 12 months ago

OMG! My son, who is 3 years old, feels the need to hold onto his 24/7/365!!!! Boys are gross. Lol But I do love my son. I try to tell him it’s not going anywhere but he just won’t listen. This article had me cracking up out loud. Love it!!!

rneill2012 1 year ago

I was a huge fan of this page until I saw one of the most disturbing and disgusting comments after the penis blog. You should really edit and police your posts a lot better. You have someone on here talking about her “special relationship” with her son and being graphic about it. I will never read anything on this sight again!!!

BHoe 1 year ago

Well uh, number 5 is kinda silly. Penises aren’t dirty, provided you don’t rub them in dirt throughout the day. You bathe, and put on clothes, then it’s kept in a little pocket of cleanliness basically all day. It’s not anymore “unsanitary” than your ears, or your chest, or your knees. I feel like this is promoting a “willies are dirty” mindset, so maybe a rephrase would be nice :v I don’t wash my hands after going to the #1 because my hands don’t touch anything dirty, and if I’m in a public washroom I don’t touch any handles or knobs anyways

April G 1 year ago

My son never did much with his penis… thankfully.

Idmx303 1 year ago

You made my day! How funny. Although mine is at ISU I can still remember the days when I wanted to utter a few of these…… Thanks for the laugh :)

Justin M. Bird 1 year ago

Men give as much attention to their penis as women give to their image, and for the same reason.

Libby 1 year ago

my son, 25 years ago…”look mommy, a snake!”

Ange 1 year ago

My son is two and a half and I swear this written about him. I feel like a parrot everyday saying get your hands out of your pants. He is obsessed with it.

Liz Porter 1 year ago

LOL! All the things I have to look forward to

Josh Wellman 1 year ago

Clearly written by someone without a penis…

Nikki Marvin 1 year ago

This is so funny! My son is 3… It’s just so spot on!

Angela Welch Courteau 1 year ago

aww lawdy if only……..(shakes head)

Janet McCormack 1 year ago

It might fall off if you cheat on the one who really loves you and then lie about it

Ginger DeWitt 1 year ago

So stinking funny!

Ingrid Gretchen Sjoberg 1 year ago

SO glad I have girls.

Dana Salzillo 1 year ago

Lmfao! Omggg!

Jason 1 year ago

Because who knows more about being a Boy than a grown woman……

Tara Jill Schryer Ecker 1 year ago

Just wait if you have a boy…….I have another story from last night it just keeps getting better and better! :-)

Tiberius Adams 1 year ago

#6 is a lie!!! It matters more than anything

Eulie Embry 1 year ago

My desire to have a little boy just disappeared, LOL!

D’Arcy Ann Pryciak 1 year ago

Lol

He’s planning hunting trips when puberty hits.

Carla Marie 1 year ago

I’m sure your hubby’s not.

Diane Cormier Balzano 1 year ago

Waiting for the penis envy joke from the rogue fellas reading this….

Morgan Suyazo 1 year ago

So great!

Jessica Ramirez Ruiz 1 year ago

Haha! Love this!

Courtney Costigan Mamone 1 year ago

So funny, and true!!!!!

Sarah Travaglione 1 year ago

So true! All of it!

Joan Cunningham Adams 1 year ago

We also have to remind him periodically to go easy on it because it has to last a lifetime.

Joan Cunningham Adams 1 year ago

My then 7 yr old came running out to his dad crying, ” daddy, daddy my penis is swollen and it feels like it’s going to explode!” My husband failed in his daddy duties to explain why this happens. My son went and got an ice pack to put on it and took one Motrin tablet because in our house Motrin fixes everything.

Kendra Fritz 1 year ago

4. Seriously.

Aleshia Prosser 1 year ago

my middle child used to do that… I told him stop playing with that its not a toy and he replied “yeah it is, its a train!”

Christina Harvie-Medlam 1 year ago

LOLz SOOO true >_< (goes for a lot of "grown-up" boys too! 😉 )

Jenni Wiles 1 year ago

So funny……and true! Two boys – ages 6 and 3 1/2 :)

Elena Hazard 1 year ago

I kind of love how much my son loves his body and everything it does. Part of me hopes he never stops marveling at his parts, while the rest of me realizes this would likely limit him job-wise.

Sarah Jackson 1 year ago

As a mom of three boys, I’m dying!!!

Megan Zrna 1 year ago

Thank god it’s not just me! Boys!!!!!

Kate White 1 year ago

My 19 month of son sticks his hands in his underwear and runs around the house saying tickle tickle tickle. Ooooo boys

Janiece Pritchard 1 year ago

Oh dear God, I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. My husband actually giggled while I read this to him!

Tina Katharina 1 year ago

Mother of daughters – yet hilarious! Thank you!

Sandra Koller 1 year ago

Hahahahhahahhahahahahahahha

Kim Hapcook Sfreddo 1 year ago

Omg #6!!!!

Donna Melim 1 year ago

Hysterical!

Daniel Hern 1 year ago

You may find that because you ate all so concerned and are making such a big deal of it, that is why it has becone a game for the boys. The other side is EVERY boy does it, Every boy will do it, so get over it!

Lindsay Hale Murdock 1 year ago

Lol. Love this

mommamarchuk 1 year ago

I so want to forward this to my 22 year old son because they all seem to apply still to this day.

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