It’s that time of year. The days are getting shorter and #backtoschool is trending like wildfire. No one expects you to go into this without a little divine inspiration. So, I present the Ten Commandments of Back-to-School.
1. Thou shall not covet the $100 backpack. Thy backpack is subject to all manner of dust and debris from the earth and man. Thus, a $30 version shall be given unto you. And you shall give thanks.
2. Thou shall finish thy summer work. Though it seems the fiery rings of hell are before thee; it is just and good.
3. Thou shall honor thy mother and father. For they giveth and taketh away all that is electronic and holy in thy world.
4. Thou shall not bear false witness to gain favor. Your elders have reaped wisdom from the generations before claiming that “no others” are subjected to the heinous acts thou art suffering.
5. Thou shall arise early on the chosen day filled with joy; ready to use thy gifts to better the world.
6. Thou shall not take thy teacher’s name in vain. These humble servants are put on the earth to make thou reach thy potential. Praise shall be showered upon them.
7. Thou shall eat thy lunch. A bounty of food all the hours of the day is no longer thy destiny.
8. Thou shall bring unto your elders all papers for signature. These pursuits may seem futile to thee but will bring about fire and brimstone from superior beings if not held in high regard.
9. Thou shall bestow Clorox wipes unto the masses. All filth must be banished from thy desks or the plagues of the centuries will be upon us.
10. Thou shall persevere. When thou feels the day will never end, when the injustices of scholarly endeavors pile upon your soul, thou must sucketh it up. That which does not kill thee, makes thee stronger.
With these words, I commission unto you, school year 2015-16. Go forth and prosper.