10 Gross Things You Hope Your Kids Will Never Do (But Probably Will)

funny boy

Let’s face it, kids are gross. It’s no secret that crappy diapers, projectile spit up, and snot come along with the territory.

It’s all the other vile things small human beings do that make me want to book a tubal ligation with my gynecologist.

Unfathomable things.  Unsanitary things.  Unmentionable things.

And yet, I’m prepared to mention them here.  For the sake of anonymity, let me state that I can neither confirm, nor deny, that these acts of grossness were performed by my offspring.  Some may have been carried out  by other children.  Or not.  I can’t say.

1. Do other things with their boogers besides eat them. That little snack they’ve dug out has the right combo of chewy and salty to satisfy a preschool palette.  But did you know that boogers also make a lovely wallpaper?  Can’t find the glue?  Boogers make a fantastic (and cheap!) alternative.

2. Poop in a public pool. Ah yes, the grandaddy of embarrassment.  Even though your kid went to the potty before you got in the pool, said child decides to just shit their swimsuit rather than go to the bathroom a mere 10 feet away.  If you’re lucky, #2 is self contained and doesn’t produce a floater.  Then you can escort your towel-wrapped stinker to the bathroom, dispose of the foulness and discreetly alert the staff.  If not?  You’re looking at Def Con 5 and a full and hasty evacuation.

3. Piddle around with their anatomy. During dinner. What IS it with privates that invite investigation?  Kids will fool around with their junk, then pull their hand out to grab a baby carrot like it’s nothing.  Hopefully this habit recedes before puberty.

4. Dig out old food from the cracks in your car’s floor board and devour them. You open the door to find your toddler happily munching on something and ask to see it.   When she opens her mouth, you realize it’s the remnants from last Easter’s chocolate bunny.  It’s like she’s a homeless person!

5. Make disgusting concoctions with their food that would put a fraternity hazing week to shame. Call it Culinary Curiosity. Maybe it’s a juice suicide.  Perhaps they just want to see what happens when you dump ground beef in a tumbler of milk and guzzle it.  Haven’t you ever had the strong urge to find out how delectable apples are when smothered with ketchup?

6. Use anything besides a napkin as a napkin. Shirt sleeves, furniture, other food.  Anything is fair game!  Like cavemen, small children would rather wipe their dribble on something they need to wear all day than reach over and use a napkin.

7. Go an entire week without changing their underpants. Somehow it’s easier to just put on the old underwear after a shower rather than grabbing a fresh pair.  That’s sitting right next to their new outfit.  It’s not until laundry day when you’ve hung seven pairs of pants and put away one boxer brief that you do the math and throw up in your mouth a little.

8. Store food in their mouths longer than a bear hibernates. Apparently, it makes more sense to keep chewing on the same chunk of meat you don’t like and store it in your cheeks than to swallow it and be done.  By the time my kid finally gets around to swallowing turkey, it’s been pulverized to a puree, putting my gag reflex on high alert.

9. Your children will take a drink out of a beverage that’s past its prime. I get it, kids get thirsty.  But would it be so difficult to ask how long that sippy cup of milk has been in the backseat before taking a swig?  I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of amoebic dysentery.

10. Use something besides toilet paper as toilet paper. As they get older and gain independence, they’re going to want to wipe their own ass.  Who can blame them?  But be warned, if you’re out of toilet paper, you might as well kiss that nice hand towel goodbye.  When you’ve congratulated them on doing such a great job, be sure to avoid a High Five afterwards.  You just might find yourself the recipient of a turd slap.

About the writer

Gina holds the titles of wife, mom, former dancer, blogger, butt-wiper, paper-airplane maker, princess costumer, snack connoisseur, pillow fort architect, and house D.J. You can read more of her babbling at Full of it, follow her on Facebook and Pinterest, or holler at her on Twitter @totallyfullofit.

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samiam 3 months ago

My 2 yr old just dipped pretzels in pickle juice and ate them… eats and drinks old stuff he has hidden too… found 3 bottles under his bed once

Bernie Kittycat 3 months ago

Me too! Bwahahaha!

chrissy 4 months ago

My husband was buying a car from someone and took our daughter (5) with him. She of course had to pee after standing outside 5 minutes so they told her she could use their bathroom.
My husband opened the door to check on her after a minute to ask if she was okay, she said “yeah, but I pooped and there’s no toilet paper but it’s ok.” ::flushes toilet and walks out::
My husband peeked in the bathroom to find that she used the towels they had in the bathroom and left them on the floor…he didn’t buy the car and left before they noticed….

Veronica 4 months ago

I laughed out loud at that one.

Heidi 5 months ago

I died laughing at #5!! My 3yo likes to mix her room-temperature-been-sitting-for-two-hours chocolate milk into her Mac & Cheese with ketchup. *gag* On those days I try to focuson the positive aspects….at least she eating without any tantrums or bribery.

HAL9000 6 months ago

… What the dekins….

HAL9000 6 months ago

That’s disgusting!!!!!!! :pukes:

HAL9000 6 months ago

Ew! Ppl wonder why I hate being around little kids lolz

Elisabeth 7 months ago

My 9-year-old wiped his mouth yesterday. ON THE DOG’S EAR.

Danni 9 months ago

I caught my daughter using her tooth brush to clean her vag. I guess it’s time for a new toothbrush…

Ashlynn 10 months ago

I like every picture in there

Jenn 11 months ago

Thanks for that. Just shot my water onto my keyboard via my nostrils. 😉

Jen 12 months ago

OMG, my son used to be the king of storing food in his mouth. One time he spit out a mouthful of scrambled eggs in the shower. And I’m thinking ‘WTF? You got up from the table 45 minutes ago.’

Marissa 12 months ago

I am so glad I am not alone LOL
(and the door is always open- so its all nice and spot lit)

Misty 1 year ago

I was babysitting my friends then 4yo and She had a giant booger on her finger. We were in the car, so I turned around to get a napkin out of the door. When I turned back around, the booger was gone…I said “Did you eat that?” She grinned really big and said, “Yep!! I love the crunchy ones! They are my favorite!” Then stuck her finger back in her nose in search of another….

Erica Tripp 1 year ago

Yup.

Tshego Nkonzo 1 year ago

So funny.

Harriet 1 year ago

mine used to fingerpaint on the wall with the deposits from their diapers, another one of my boys filled the milkjug from a fisher price toy with poo, so I think there were somethings that were missed on the post, Yes, I laugh now, but not then.

Motherhood and More 1 year ago

“Mommy, do you want to see my booger forest?” True story. Also, my sister-in-law once caught my niece sucking on the bolts that hold down the toilet. Kids are so much more disgusting than one would expect.

Jm 1 year ago

When my daughter was two, and “potty trained” she decided to pee into a small skillet from her play kitchen set. And it must’ve been too full because she then scooped some out with a play cup, so I came into the room to find a small cup and skillet full of urine. At least the floor was dry. That’s skill at two, right?! And just this past summer, after we had already helped her get a drink from a water fountain, she splashed her hand into the fountain and then licked it. Omg, I almost died. I mean, does she WANT to get tuberculosis or some other contagious, disgusting disease?!

Jocelyn Courtney Davis 1 year ago

My two year old picked his nose, presented to booger to me, and then attempted to put it in my nose, ack! And this of course happened in public while picking him up at school.

Maria Sandström 1 year ago

Um… no sorry. Big 0 here as well. I have a girl and happened to teach her manners from the age of 9 months.

Mom 1 year ago

It might be time to rethink if he’s the one, especially since kids repulse him, yours aren’t going anywhere…just saying…

Patty 1 year ago

Just saw a 7 year old kid do that repeatedly tonight at gymnastics. Messed around in the FRONT of his pants, then smelled his hand. I saw him do it 3 times. Nasty. I don’t think his arms were long enough to reach his backside that way, but still so gross.

Laura D 1 year ago

My one-year-old doesn’t just pick his boogers, he picks yours, too… and then feeds it to you. Because you, know, HE likes it…

Sarah Marie Osborn 1 year ago

My son decided to stick his arm (up to his elbow!) in the urinal in the family restroom at church I couldn’t get myself off the toilet fast enough! he took a whole bath in the sink after that, i kept gagging while washing him and just kept squirting more soap…

Kristen Petruccelli Andrews 1 year ago

Mine likes to put his potty seat on his head as a hat…..right after he dumped the contents in the toilet.

Heather Holter 1 year ago

#7- my 7 yr old boy, but it’s usually 2 pair, but still!

Kelly Utesch 1 year ago

My 2 y-o just handed me dog poop when we were playing in the yard “hey mom! Look! Ack!”

Becky Rowland Leftwich 1 year ago

That is the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile (because it’s all true!)

Judy Madruga 1 year ago

Gross all of it

Melody Mankus 1 year ago

Number 8- that’s my oldest all over. Number 9 made me laugh-gag, which is one of the weirdest combos ever. I could definitely add to this list.

Ally Silvey 1 year ago

Um. No. Thank god I had girls. Big zero on your list.

Kim 1 year ago

I nearly died when my daughter put her mouth on a public toilet & licked it.

Angela Wickwire 1 year ago

Yup. Nodded at more than one of those things. He puts his tongue in his nose in public.

Michele Feiler Goldberg 1 year ago

Soooo true!!!

Annamaria-Guarneri Mckean 1 year ago

What the…3 boys here never pooped in a pool used a hand towel for their butt? My boys go commando so underwear doesnt apply..we use bounty paper towels. My 12 yr old wears $18 socks he doesnt want to change..that count? Cmon..

Danielle Goble 1 year ago

I’ve got five kids. Guess how many made it on their list? 0.o

Kelly Comer 1 year ago

Man kids are gross lol

Regina Prieto-Glez 1 year ago

Ewww! Gross!!! Some of this stuff is disgusting and I have 5 kids. My main rule keep all body parts and bodily fluids to yourselves. I hate when they try to spit at each other, even in a pool. Hard with the boys tho… :-/

Rebecca Louise Herbunot 1 year ago

Mine have done some of these I’ll admit but NEVER poop in a public pool thats disgusting and lazy

Cortney Brown 1 year ago

*sigh* my kids are REALLY disgusting. I stopped counting when I realized that they do at least 5 of these.

Hazel Thompson 1 year ago

My 2 year old son likes to dip random food (fish, chicken nuggets etc) into his juice and then eat them while saying ‘delicious’

Kay Anderson 1 year ago

I’ve seen babies grab their shit out of their diapers & draw all over the walls & then grab your white shirt. Hahahaha! Yuck!

Maria Cannon 1 year ago

My son goes around saying loudly, “who ha (vagina) weiner!” at the most inappropriate times.

Maria Cannon 1 year ago

I’M DEAD! OMG. So hilarious.

Tramequa Surratt 1 year ago

Yup, my DD 3 and DS 1.5, have discovered their junk. I just tell them it’s theirs so do what you want…. I asked DS if he had a booger in his nose to which he replied “yes, picked then ate it”… Meh…it’s what they do.

YoliSam De La Rosa 1 year ago

We are currently in the #5 and #7 stages. Lol

Ashley Phillips 1 year ago

Caught my lil girl picking her nose in the middle of target and putting it in her belly button. ..asked her what she was doing and she replied “Im saving it for later! ” *GAG*

Penny Heiman 1 year ago

Hilarious!! As I read these I nodded a ‘familiar with that action’ nod at more than one of those.

Michelle Inwinterpark 1 year ago

My 2yo DD puked in a hotel pool. And I tried to slosh it all back over the sides with my hands. Ugh

Shauna Campbell 1 year ago

Number 7 would not happen. Ever.

Nicole Havard-Ozment 1 year ago

Mine have done each of these, between the two!

Ryan Daisey 1 year ago

Number 7 is the parent being gross…

Brittany Taylor 1 year ago

Turd slap lol oh that killed me

San 1 year ago

My daughter pooped in the wave pool at great wolf lodge and they had to close it for 2hours. And my son wipes his nose or mouth on my shirt drives me crazy

Kim 1 year ago

My son just recently ate a fruit snack out of the bathroom garbage with his dirty pullups so yes I totally agree with this article.

Missy 1 year ago

My 2yo son uses my shirt for his napkin. He’ll find me no matter where I am in the house.. and blow his nose on my shirt and say “Thanks Mommy” It’s disgusting lol

Brooke Hunter 1 year ago

#3 is my kid. Fascinated by the wiener. Ugh!

tara M4B 1 year ago

And then they swish said chicken drink around in their mouth until it starts to leak out.. JUST SWALLOW IT ALREADY. .. gag

Aimee 1 year ago

Boogers on the curtains. My youngest is nine.

Heather Bill 1 year ago

It would be easier for me to list the things on this list that they have NOT done!

CJ 1 year ago

Poopy painting on the walls with their diapers!!!!

KT 2 years ago

My 2.5 year old LICKED the bottom of his brother’s shoe. I shrieked and then almost threw up.

Jonathon Mirza 2 years ago

i still do some of those things and i am 25

Samantha 2 years ago

My son thought it would be cool to change the color of his bathwater by adding Purple kool aid to it. Got him out in time but he’s 7! Guess he decided to become a smurf and live in an oversized mushroom.

christie 2 years ago

Oh yeah, my daughter used to smear poop all over herself at nap time. She’d look like a claymation figure when we’d go in there.

christie 2 years ago

My daughter likes to chew on her toenails and spit them out on the floor.
And then the dog licks them up.
Dis. Gust. Ing.

Andie 2 years ago

You just made ME feel a ton better!! Thanks, Erynn!

Amanda (Mia) 2 years ago

Crap. This is only the beginning for me. She just discovered her nose hole last week (she’s 15-months-old)…

Crap.

Melinasmama 3 years ago

I laughed the entire time reading this and the comments. My dd2.5 once decided that it would be fun to poop on the floor and then spread said poop. *gag*

Mike 3 years ago

You forgot… Paint the walls/crib/tv whatever they can reach at the time with their own poop. All three of my kids did this, when my oldest did it I freaked out even took her to the ER cause she ate some of the poop, but the time my youngest did it, I just drew her a bath and I cleaned it while her mother washed her off. Not sure why they do it but they stop just as suddenly as they start to do it, usually lasts a couple of months.

Brandi 3 years ago

I just have to say thank you for taking such annoying and yes, disgusting habits and making them laugh worthy. I often get wrapped up in the “good mom’s don’t let their kids do any of these things” role that I can’t find the humor in it! In the last week since discovering your blog I have laughed so much (even at inappropriate times)! I LOVE your blog. It is my hope that other wives and mommies will find the humor in your posts and not the negative…because after all…it’s pretty much all true! Thanks for giving me a great laugh!

Sherri 3 years ago

Its such as you read my mind! You seem to grasp so
much about this, like you wrote the ebook in it or something.
I think that you can do with some % to drive the message house a little bit, however other than that, that is excellent blog. An excellent read. I’ll definitely be back.

AmberB 3 years ago

Repeat after me…urine is sterile, urine is sterile, urine is sterile :) Currently potty training my youngest, and just today he managed to piss in his own face then aim that little sucker right at mine. We took a non-golden shower directly after!

Gina 3 years ago

They really do seem attracted to the dirtiest thing in the room. My son used to love to play with the wheels of strollers and grocery carts. Foul, foul, foul…

Gina 3 years ago

Exactly! Why drag out the agony of eating something you despise?

lesbomom 3 years ago

Oh my. I hate hate hate the meat thing. Munchkin does that with food she doesn’t like. I just keep asking her over and over, “wouldn’t it be easier just to swallow the crap you don’t like and get the taste out of your mouth?”

Regina 3 years ago

I’ve been a mom to long, these items didn’t make me blink because we have encountered most of them.

The other day my son told a larger man he was fat. (yes we had a talk about that).
My kids have had fall down wailing fits in the middle of the store as I walked away and tried not to claim them (hoping they’d stop).

I’m glad that my kids aren’t reading this so they can’t say it’s a bucket this to do. :)

Jessica Smock 3 years ago

Yes, I do think boys may be grosser. My son would spent the whole day playing in trash cans or any old garbage if I let him. It’s really embarrassing in public. He makes a bee line for any garbage cans or trash and plants himself next to it.

Kate 3 years ago

urgh! my baby today put her hands in her brother’s full potty…it somehow grosser when it’s not even their own bodily fluid!

Child Psychologist Adelaide 3 years ago

Hahaha.. Good thing my first child is a girl, because I think that it’s much harder to handle little boys than little girls. I don’t know, it’s instinct I guess. But I think it’s still about how we manage our home and family. Like #4 & #9, how can they eat or drink spoiled or leftover food if we ourselves already cleaned it? It will still come to how good are we on giving them our guidance even in our hectic and busy day.

christina 3 years ago

#11. finding crusty dried cat poop in the park sandbox and putting it in their mouth as you run screaming “nnnnooooooo!!!!!!!” in slow motion across the grass.

Gina 3 years ago

Aren’t you suffering from PTSD by now?

Gina 3 years ago

Oh dear god, that sounds horrific! While it’s not the toilet seat, but daughter used to lick the sink basin while washing her hands. *shudder*

Charity Deleon 3 years ago

Too funny but true! I needed a good laugh, with 7 kids ranging from 21 months to 17 yrs you can say I’ve seen ALOT!!

Amanda 3 years ago

Whatever happened to the good ol toilet seat lick? In a public place! And let’s be frank. Some woman don’t have the greatest aim. My son does though! Licked it right up. (I think I just threw up a little). Dang my large preggo belly and my slow reaction time.

NaomiRedShoes 3 years ago

Aack! My Ex was a booger picasso… AND, he sniffed his fingers compulsively after every “southern” expedition. At least the kids… Never mind.

Evalynn Rose 3 years ago

I would probably pass out if that happened. Oh man… my little one is 10 months old – I can see the future now. Can you get mesh muzzles for toddlers?

Tanya 3 years ago

My son has done his fair share of this list. Its so gross what they will do without even realizing what they did was gross.

Shirley 3 years ago

Just last week, my little darling dropped a fruit snack on the sidewalk at the bus stop, picked it up and ate it anyway before I could stop her.

It’s a good thing you can’t gross me out anymore.

Gina 3 years ago

I have seen a photo of that kind of toilet thing floating around on Facebook. I’d be absolutely humiliated! And the condiment contest…my brothers used to do that all the time in high school and make themselves sick. The things boys do!

Gina 3 years ago

Better than than the lick test though, right?

Gina 3 years ago

The horror! And the thought of all those kids swimming happily in fecal matter…

Erynn 3 years ago

Thank god mine isn’t the only one! I was starting to worry about him.

Aimee 3 years ago

OMG, I am reading this at work (bad, I know) and trying so hard to stifle my laughing that I’m nearly crying.

I’m glad my kid isn’t the grossest one! He is equally gross! One of the neighbor’s boys, two years older than my son, came over to “babysit” for an afternoon (I think mine was 10, and the neighbor was 12), and they made the most horrific concoctions from every condiment in the fridge and challenged each other to drink it. And they videoed this. And the “sitter” threw up. I never would have known…. except for the video on my camera. Surprise, surprise!

How about when you turn your back for a moment, and your kid uses one of the display toilets at a home improvement store???

TheMomFactor 3 years ago

Oh, well, my almost-2 yr old son likes to eat food out of the trash can. It’s completely disgusting! And we aren’t starving the kid, so wth?? lol

Sara 3 years ago

Too funny! I just experienced #5 with my 2 year old son, except it was strawberries and ketchup. Talk about gag reflex…yuck!

Kris 3 years ago

I highly doubt it is sanitary. After telling her to stop doing it, she is 4 and telling her to stop doing something makes it much more tempting to do, I took away all of her kitchen and food pieces for about 6 months. Since giving them back, she hasn’t pee’d in them even once, knock on wood. She has had them back for about 6 months now.

Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) 3 years ago

Yes, yes, and yes.

My son also killed a blood-filled mosquito at the dinner table with the hard-shell taco that was in his hand. The blood looked like ketchup…

Jenny 3 years ago

I once taught my kids that if they want to know if they have bad breath, they should swipe a finger across their tongues as far back into their mouths as they can. That’s fairly gross of *me* (even if it does work), but the aftermath is that my 4-year-old often uses his finger to test other things for smell. Too. Many. Unmentionable. Things.

KellyAnn 3 years ago

My daughter, aged 2, was guilty of #2 (literally) over the summer at my friend’s apartment complex’s pool. All the kids were screaming “She pooped! She pooped in the pool!” and gagging as I beat a hasty retreat with her across the parking lot to her apartment. Ironically none of them got out…

Gina 3 years ago

To her credit, urine DOES emulate the color of tea more so than water. But is it sanitary?

Gina 3 years ago

Wow…just, wow. I feel pretty sure that’s coming down the pipeline in a few years.

Gina 3 years ago

It’s utterly foul, right? At least he’s giving his stomach a break on digestion.

Gina 3 years ago

Yeah, I have a hard time sharing bottled water for that same reason. All that clear water, all those little particles…

Gina 3 years ago

Hahahaha! Like in “Elf”!

Gina 3 years ago

I’ve seen my daughter do that with pee…thankfully NOT with crap.

Gina 3 years ago

Ack! They DO that???

Jessi Burkham 3 years ago

See that’s why I absolutely refuse to share my drink that will have me gagging like a cat with a fur-ball !!! i gagged just reading it to be honest

Kris 3 years ago

My daughter pee’d in her teapot and some of her other play kitchen items in order to have a tea party. I am like, why not just use water from the bathroom like a normal child. Worse, she didn’t get all the pee in the containers, leaving huge wet spots on the floor from the pee. YUCK! I have yet to get pee smell out of that room. I just got engaged, and my fiance lives in England. Before we got engaged, he came out for a month. I knew that that room stank, and I was so embarrassed to show him, as he has no kids and does not understand the gross things the do. I am not looking forward to him learning about the rest of this list, which my kids are good at doing almost all of them. What little he has been around my children has already turned him off of having kids of his own with me.

Karen 3 years ago

Turd slap!! Friggin’ hilarious!!!

Kacie 3 years ago

So nice Im not the only one with that problem!!!! i did discover once you make them dump the trash, they realize the plumbing can handle it.

Jean 3 years ago

My kid made me a “milkshake” by pissing in a bath water play cup and then dropping soap pieces in it after he tore up the bar of soap.

Jen 3 years ago

Ha! She missed one, ds9 picks at his butt and smells his fingers, he’d better grow out of that before puberty……

Amanda @ Cooker and a Looker 3 years ago

It really is nice to know I’m not alone!
It took two weeks before I realised my daughter was stuffing her shitty tp into the toilet brush holder. It was quite *fragrant* by then.

Amanda 3 years ago

I think my boys have done most of those! Yuck!

Amanda 3 years ago

OMG!! That’s so gross!! Haha! I bet you were mortified!

Hannah 3 years ago

Well my kids have taken care half the list… 1,3,4,8 and 9. The chewing the meat probably grosses me out the most, my son did that the other night until it was a chicken drink :X

tara 3 years ago

Ohh I seriously thought I was the only one who found shatty tp in the garbage can.

Kate 3 years ago

A gross thing that bleeds over to be MY gross thing… when a child leaves floaters in your drink! Oreo cookies in iced tea, anyone?

Heidi Bryan 3 years ago

OMG!!! So glad I am not the only one :) Kids are just icky…

Lindsey 3 years ago

While at boot camp in a school gym, my 1 and a half year old comes over with a mouth full of gum…when I asked him where he got it he brought me to underneath a bench against the wall!!!!!! That was pleasantly disgusting!

Mama and the City 3 years ago

OMG – I am a bad mom. I am the one ‘teaching’ my 2 yo to eat and do other things with her buggers. Bad mommy, bad mommy.

MILF Runner 3 years ago

Playdough tastes just like boogers. You could use Playdough as a sort of booger methadone.

One of my faves is the child who can’t bring himself to flush shitty t.p. away and instead deposits it in the wastebasket.

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

I cannot say they get less gross as they get older, but at least you are less likely to get a turd slap.

Melany 3 years ago

Hahaha. #7. Always grosses us out.

Andie 3 years ago

Sadly, boys never grow out of these nasty stages. Hell, I’m surprised my husband uses toilet paper as a forty-something male, mainly because he can’t flush a toilet to save his life!

Jenelle 3 years ago

My kid never ever used a bodily fluid as hair gel. Really. Never did. *gag*
Great post, I just shouldn’t have read it right after dinner!