10 Must-Know Facts About Toddlers

toddler

Rejoice parents! You now have toddlers, those bundles of budding humanity. Constant whining has replaced that urgent baby cry. They mostly sleep through the night these days, but when they don’t it’s no longer because they need a good burping or a diaper change. Toddlers have needs and desires that, even when addressed directly and precisely to the letter of their demands, are all wrong you dumb cow.

1. If your baby is a thumb-sucker (read: self-soother) you’ll rejoice until you one day realize that you can take away the pacifier but the kid carries that thumb everywhere.

2. If your baby is a pacifier baby, you will wait too long to take it away and convincing Susie that the baby ducklings at the pond need all her pacis will elicit the same reaction from her that beating ponies with puppies would.

3. Handing a toddler a broken cookie is like handing her a tantrum grenade.

4. So his shoes are on the wrong feet. Deal with it. You have a bigger battle ahead over the sleeveless top and dirty training pants he insists on wearing to Caregiver and Me Music Class in February.

5. You’re all ready to go to that doctor’s appointment, right? Wrong. Junior took a pit stop in the splash and play fun room otherwise known as the hall bath. And look, your car keys don’t float!

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6. Parents of toddlers are to mental health professionals what year-end bonuses are to salesmen.

7. Even if the restaurant does have highchairs and booster seats, resist the urge to dine out with your toddler. You’ve heard the phrase like oil and water? Like IHOP and toddlers.

8. Christ was tested in the desert by Satan. You will be tested in the grocery store by a preschooler. You will discover that you are not Christ.

9. Young children love to play in the bath unless they are actually dirty.

10. Because toddlers throw all their food on the floor, animal shelters are able to unload dogs on young families.

About the writer

@NicoleLeighShaw

Nicole Leigh Shaw began writing as a newspaper journalist in 1999, but has been moving through all of the metamorphic stages of the modern writer, except "tortured novelist." Soon she'll emerge as a butterfly or a vlogger. Nicole writes for Cosmopolitan.com, ScaryMommy.com, and NickMom.com. In addition to her four kids, she also maintains a blog, Tyop Aretist.

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cheroke dillard 1 year ago

I have kids I had just a another one I get what your saying cookie is broken so they throw it down and cry and yes if you want to go somewhere then rethink that stay home.

Alisa 2 years ago

Such a good laugh! I feel better already.

Sara 2 years ago

Hahaha, #8 is killing me! I have said for years that I’d rather eat glass than bring a toddler to the grocery store. Each time I tempt fate and bring them along I am quickly reminded that I, in fact, am not Christ….lol!

Wanda 2 years ago

I think that it is a ridiculous not to take your toddler out to eat with you. You are saying that I should find a babysitter every time my husband and I want to eat out? That’s insane!!!! You are telling people to exclude their children!!! My toddler goes wherever my husband and I do unless we are on a date, I am not ashamed of my child!!!

alelue 3 years ago

OMG Sooo true about my dd2. I’ve heard the toddler years are one of the toughest years & I believe it!

Dana 3 years ago

ummm hilarious! and so true…tantrum granade..lol!

Sarah 3 years ago

I know it’s all in fun, but I disagree with #7. I’ve been taking my 2 year old out to restaurants since he was a baby. The trick is to keep him occupied! The only difference is now I have to go where I know my picky eater will actually eat something!

neo 3 years ago

My kiddo is just starting toddler years. I’m scared. ;-p

Emily 3 years ago

This is awesome. I love every minute of this. Especially #8, I know I laughed out loud. Of course I see this as a recommendation on my blog post about my toddler’s crappy behavior! Figures.

Amanda Fox 3 years ago

so true lol

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Hey Meredith! Sorry to induce groans. I’m down to my last toddler and it’s still a tough ride. Wowzers.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Thanks so much!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Yep. It’s why we have two dogs. :)

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

You know I’m with you on this one, babe.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Yes. Brilliant! That’s something we definitely don’t get until we have to handle toddlers.

JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

“Parents of toddlers are to mental health professionals what year-end bonuses are to salesmen.”

My toddler funded my therapist’s kid’s college fund.

Scarlet 3 years ago

I remember reading a story years ago about a mom, obviously harried, with her three kids at a cafeteria asking for three puddings and “please, make them all the same!” I didn’t get what she meant until I had kids of my own. For God’s sake, what ever you give them, make them all the same!

“Toddlers have needs and desires that, even when addressed directly and precisely to the letter of their demands, are all wrong you dumb cow.” –Truer words were never spoken.

Nicole(Whole Strides) 3 years ago

The dog is the reason why I don’t sweat the stage where they dump all their food off the high chair. I at least know I won’t have to clean it up.

Jennifer 3 years ago

Number 8 needs to be included in the parenting Bible.

And I laughed out loud about the IHOP one.

Mercy 3 years ago

My now almost 4 year old was this kind of toddler; my current 2 year old is an angel by comparison.

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

“Beating ponies with puppies” is the new threat I’m going to use to keep my kids in line.

It won’t work, of course. Nothing does.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

And it is even worse when you break the overly large cookie and insist she share it with the sibling. *shudder*

Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? 3 years ago

Tantrum grenade. Could not be more accurate.

jeannine 3 years ago

My youngest is finally 3. I have spent the better part of the last 7 years with at least one toddler in the house (sometimes two). Its all true. Thanks for the laugh. 😀

Meredith 3 years ago

Groaning! This is all too true right now–but you make it funny, so it’s all okay 😉

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Isn’t it nice to know the kids are the crazy ones, and not us?

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Thanks, Frugie!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Like the “it all ends up smooshed up in your tummy, anyway” argument. Never convinces the little ones, does it?

Kim at Mama Mzungu 3 years ago

“9. Young children love to play in the bath unless they are actually dirty.” Yes yes! Well, yes to the whole list!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Thanks! I’m glad everyone shares my pain.

Frugalistablog 3 years ago

“You are not Christ”… aint that the truth!! Ha ha. So true, and still very much in my memory even though my kids are older. Love it Ninja Mom!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

You’ll be grateful, until you have to pick up the poop. But, po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe.We have two crumb-eating poop-makers.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Oh, the waiting in line!!! How could I have forgotten that?

Toulouse 3 years ago

Broken bananas cause nuclear-level meltdowns too. IT TASTES THE SAME, KID, JUSTEATITALREADY!!!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

I was channeling my own cow-like post-baby physique. 😉

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

If they weren’t cute they’d be in toddler jail. I love mine, too!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Thanks!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Nothing’s scarier than a toddler having a cookie conniption.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

😉

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Number 8 is my personal favorite. Good call on living like a hermit.

Erika Zane 3 years ago

You made my day more bearable. So true and now I can laugh about it all. #8’s my favorite!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Mine, too. I hated having one whole cookie and one broken and trying to decide who gets it.

A Man Called Dad 3 years ago

Right on. I got a dog just to help out with the mess.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

:)

Lawry 3 years ago

On the cookie note you best be able to double dole them out if you have more than one cause sharing is not an option and waiting in line is worse than a broken cookie!!!

Lawry 3 years ago

On the cookie note you best be able to double dole them out if you have more than one cause sharing is not an option and waiting in line is worse than a broken cookie!!!

Denise 3 years ago

Yes yes yes… We refer to ourselves as stupid monkeys (their opinion of us as parents) when we don’t correctly guess their needs instantly as they change them. I do like stupid cow too though lol.

Deborah 3 years ago

Holy hilarious! My son is two and a half… And guilty guilty guilty! But we love em anyway!

HouseTalkN 3 years ago

A tantrum grenade? Perfect description.

Teri 3 years ago

Truer words were never written:

3. Handing a toddler a broken cookie is like handing her a tantrum grenade

Stephanie 3 years ago

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Momma Peters 3 years ago

I love #8. All so true. Staying home is always the best bet with a toddler. never leave your home. ever. You can thank me for that later 😉

Dena Stelly 3 years ago

#3 describes life with my twin 3.5 y/o’s lol!!!

Annette 3 years ago

I’m dying. Its all true. All of it.