Parenting

10 Reasons I Didn't Answer The Phone

by Lindsey
A young girl holding a phone in front of her eyes with two x signs and didn't answer the phone

I see you lighting up. I feel you buzzing in my back pocket. I hear you ring-ding-a-ling-ing away, but sorry—decline.

Before you take offense to me blatantly disregarding your call, let me explain. I have 10 really good reasons I didn’t answer the phone.

1. I was diffusing a fight over a missing head on a dinosaur. Things were about to get ugly. Trust me, I was sparing you.

2. I was too busy feverishly running around my kitchen like a wild woman throwing toys off the counter tops, dishes into the sink, junk piles into random drawers whilst trying not to break a sweat so it wouldn’t be, you know, obvious, to the neighbor who was strolling up the driveway for an impromptu visit.

3. I was in Target (just to get paper towels, I swear). Don’t you know that cell phones don’t work in Target? Actually a lot of things don’t work in Target including self-restraint, impulse-control and carts with just paper towels in them. Dammit. It’s not my fault.

4. I had poop on my hand.

5. I couldn’t hear the phone ringing because all of my kids were crying. All of them. At the same time. And then I started crying. It was a blubbery mess up in here.

6. I was missing a child. But fear not. He resurfaced from the shed. Don’t ask.

7. I was in carpool line. Moms who talk on the phone in carpool line are shunned.

8. My kids were playing together like beautiful, perfect, harmonious little angels. I knew if I answered the phone, the shit would hit the fan. Happens. Every. Time.

9. We haven’t talked on the phone in a really long time. If I answered it, you would see that the perfect life I lead on social media is a complete sham. Phone conversations can only last approximately 15 seconds before my kids hear my oddly chipper tone which, for reasons that remain unknown, brings out their inner demons. I just couldn’t let you hear that.

10. It was quiet. My kids were all sleeping. While one might think this is the perfect time to talk on the phone, I was plain too tired to chat.

This is gonna sound rude, but whenever I see or feel or hear my phone ring-ding-a-ling-ing, I can’t help but think, “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” Except for you, mom. You can call me anytime because you are my mom, but know that I may hang up on you at anytime because I’m a mom, too.

The Parenting Advice You’ll Actually Use (Maybe)
Honest tips, hilarious fails, and solidarity for moms who are doing their best—and definitely winging it.
By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy