I see you lighting up. I feel you buzzing in my back pocket. I hear you ring-ding-a-ling-ing away, but sorry—decline.
Before you take offense to me blatantly disregarding your call, let me explain. I have 10 really good reasons I didn’t answer the phone.
1. I was diffusing a fight over a missing head on a dinosaur. Things were about to get ugly. Trust me, I was sparing you.
2. I was too busy feverishly running around my kitchen like a wild woman throwing toys off the counter tops, dishes into the sink, junk piles into random drawers whilst trying not to break a sweat so it wouldn’t be, you know, obvious, to the neighbor who was strolling up the driveway for an impromptu visit.
3. I was in Target (just to get paper towels, I swear). Don’t you know that cell phones don’t work in Target? Actually a lot of things don’t work in Target including self-restraint, impulse-control and carts with just paper towels in them. Dammit. It’s not my fault.
4. I had poop on my hand.
5. I couldn’t hear the phone ringing because all of my kids were crying. All of them. At the same time. And then I started crying. It was a blubbery mess up in here.
6. I was missing a child. But fear not. He resurfaced from the shed. Don’t ask.
7. I was in carpool line. Moms who talk on the phone in carpool line are shunned.
8. My kids were playing together like beautiful, perfect, harmonious little angels. I knew if I answered the phone, the shit would hit the fan. Happens. Every. Time.
9. We haven’t talked on the phone in a really long time. If I answered it, you would see that the perfect life I lead on social media is a complete sham. Phone conversations can only last approximately 15 seconds before my kids hear my oddly chipper tone which, for reasons that remain unknown, brings out their inner demons. I just couldn’t let you hear that.
10. It was quiet. My kids were all sleeping. While one might think this is the perfect time to talk on the phone, I was plain too tired to chat.
This is gonna sound rude, but whenever I see or feel or hear my phone ring-ding-a-ling-ing, I can’t help but think, “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” Except for you, mom. You can call me anytime because you are my mom, but know that I may hang up on you at anytime because I’m a mom, too.