10 Reasons I'm Breaking Up With Hot Yoga

It’s not you, it’s me. No, wait a minute, it is you. I know, I’ve tried to leave you before, but this time I mean it!

I used to be addicted to you, and we sometimes had a good thing. Lately, however, I just don’t feel good about the time we’ve been spending together. Also, you’ve got a lot of new young girls hanging around, and I think you’ve got your hands full.

Here are 10 reasons I’m really leaving you this time:

1. Those men in Speedos with hairy backs. Have they no shame?

2. The smells. Detoxing, you say? Hot asparagus and chicken soup in savasana. I can’t take it anymore.

3. I miss mascara. I put it on, sweat with you for three minutes, and it runs straight off my face. At 27 bucks a tube, I can’t afford to waste it.

4. I already took a shower today. Now I have to take another. Have you got any idea how much time it takes to do it all over again?

5. You’re ruining my skin. I literally cannot hydrate enough to stay supple. I look and feel like a skinny raisin.

6. I cannot keep up with all of this laundry.

7. I’m tired of your teachers telling me that “abs are just around the corner.” That’s a lie, and you know it.

8. The Pilates students look so nice and put together after class, while I look like the swamp thing when you’re done with me.

9. I’m tired of being told when it’s OK to drink water. From now on, when I’m thirsty, I’m taking a sip!

10. I don’t want to wade through everyone else’s sweat ponds to get to the door. I don’t even want to wade through my own, come to think of it.

When I need a good sweat, I’ll head out for a run—you know, outside with fresh air and sunshine. I’m done rolling around on the floor in your dirty basements with damp carpets and cork flooring.

I thought that I was getting a great workout with you, but I just feel exhausted and dried up when we hang out. You don’t make me feel good about myself anymore; that initial rush is long gone. I don’t need to prove anything to you and your new followers. It’s over.