Presented by Mini Babybel®
In my delusions⎯er, fantasies⎯I’m totally prepared in the morning. Every morning. I’ve gotten my ducks in a row the night before: clothes laid out neatly, shoes lined up by the door, lunches packed, work stuff in order. Everything works like a well-oiled machine, and I get my kids off to school with plenty of time and never have to raise my voice.
But, I also fantasize about having a maid, and trust me: I seem to be the only one cleaning this place. (No self-respecting maid would let the dust bunnies get this big.)
In reality, my mornings are typically more of a challenge: scrambling to find the car keys, struggling to snap out of my haze before I have to start successfully “adulting,” and attempting (poorly) to mentally coordinate the entire family’s daily schedules. Some people have it all together in the morning; those people are not me. And if they’re not you, either, then you can probably relate to the thoughts that stumble through my caffeine-deprived brain every morning, starting as soon as the alarm goes off.
1. How much more time do I have to sleep?
I shouldn’t have gone to bed so late. What was I doing? Nothing that important. I should have been getting stuff ready so that I’d be on top of it this morning. If I stay in bed for 10 more minutes, will we be running behind schedule? Yes. Blah. Get up.
2. Do I get fully dressed?
What are the odds I’ll have to get out of the car at drop-off? I don’t want to go in my pajama pants and old T-shirt and then end up having to actually exit the vehicle for some reason. What if someone hits my car or one of the teachers wants to speak to me? I’ll be mortified. But I don’t want to put together an actual outfit yet, either. It’s too early. I should at least put on a bra.
3. Do I even have clean laundry?
When’s the last time I did laundry? Okay, last night. So the kids do have clean clothes. But they’re wrinkled because I didn’t fold them. Will anyone notice if my pants look like elephant skin? Maybe I’ll just run them through a quick fluff cycle while we’re eating breakfast and pray that the wrinkles go away—at least the big creases.
4. Ugh, breakfast.
What am I going to fix for breakfast? If I were more conscientious, I would be whipping up a balanced meal of free-range eggs and whole-grain bagels and a kale smoothie or something. Why am I not that kind of person, and how do those kinds of people even exist? Is cereal healthy enough? I know, I’ll put milk in my coffee. PROTEIN!
5. Ugh, lunch.
I forgot to pack any lunches last night. I should be more prepared. Get with the program. How much time do I have to throw something together? Will the lunchroom monitors look over the kids’ shoulders at their food and be like, “These poor kids and their inadequate lunches”? I should at least scribble a quick note to throw in there: “I hope you’re having a great day! I love you!” Now what about my lunch? Wonder if there will be any leftover meeting food in the conference room? DOUGHNUTS.
6. Do I really need to wash my hair?
It looks all sorts of messed up right now. Washing it and starting from scratch is probably the best option. But then I’ll be running even further behind. Should I toss it up in a bun and act like it’s messy on purpose? Can I even pull off that style or will I just look like I’ve been dragged through a bush backwards?
7. Why are these kids so appallingly slow?
I’m going to lose my mind if they don’t step it up a few notches. Come on! Don’t they even care if they’re late? What have they even been doing for the last 20 minutes? Why are they so good at tuning out my voice?! I know it’s been at least 10 minutes since I asked them to put on their shoes.
8. Seriously? You can’t find your shoes?
How do you lose a pair of shoes? I swear, if they took them off and put them where they were supposed to, this would never happen. Do they think I suggest storing them in the closet because they look pretty there?
9. Where did I put that…?
I literally just griped at everyone else about keeping track of their stuff and now I can’t find my keys/wallet/scarf. I hope they don’t notice. Where was I the last time I had it? Why does this always seem to happen on the days when we don’t have a minute to spare?
10. Wait. What is today, anyway?
Is it early-out day? Does anybody have sports or karate or anything going on tonight? Do I need to put the trash on the curb? Did I miss a meeting? How long until I have to put on real pants?
Between making sure that none of us look like we’ve slept in a trash can, trying to provide the family with reasonably healthy food, and keeping track of where everyone needs to be and what time they need to be there, mornings are a regular source of chaos and confusion—despite my best efforts to the contrary. It’s a good thing I have a maid!
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