We all know lying is bad. This is one of the first things we teach our children. But there are certain times lying is necessary, especially when one becomes a parent. I believe you can relate to at least a few of these, amiright? If not, I bet you one full night’s uninterrupted sleep you are lying.
Lie #1: No, none of our kids has been sick lately, we’d love to come.
Truth: Jonny’s had a cough for days and currently sounds like Cathleen Turner, but we haven’t been out of the house in weeks. I must have social interaction with another person over 12 or I will lose my shit.
Lie #2: UGH, we can’t make it, little Jonny is sick.
Truth: You could not be more boring. And I can’t listen to another story about your husband’s football glory days. It was 20 years ago; it’s time to cut the cord. And your house smells like chicken noodle soup.
Lie #3: We had the BEST family vacation!
Truth: I saw on Discovery Channel there is a species of snake that eats its young. I feel you snake, I FEEL YOU.
Lie #4: I never feed my kid fast food.
Truth: If you can invent a nutritious, well-balanced meal in the three minute drive from school to hockey practice, get yourself on Shark Tank. Stat.
Lie #5: My kids have never had lice.
Truth: Have you seen the movie Outbreak? That was our October.
Lie $6: Our kids only have an hour of screen time a day.
Truth: Jonny will recite every episode of Peppa Pig verbatim if you give him some Skittles.
Lie #7: Yes, we are looking into summer camps; we just can’t decide which one is best.
Truth: Not only have I not started looking, but those camps are outrageously expensive. Plus, most of them go from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., and I work full time. I have no idea how I am going to leave work to take them and pick them up because I will get fired and then we will have even less money to send Jonny to some lame ass Camp Ripmioff where he will spend all day getting sunburned and mosquito bitten while trying to start a fire from his shoelace and a piece of gum and all he’ll have to show for it at the end of the week is a self-portrait made entirely of acorns that cost me four hundred fucking dollars.
Lie #8: I’ve loved every second of motherhood.
Truth: There are days showing up naked to my high school reunion seems less painful than playing hide and seek again.
Lie #9: I just loved being pregnant.
Truth: Stretchmarks are the new black.
Lie #10: I’d love to volunteer, but we are out of town this weekend.
Truth: No one is allowed to post ANYTHING on social media for the next three days. And we aren’t leaving the house. Don’t ask questions.
Lie #11: Jonny’s really excelling in soccer this year, he’s a natural.
Truth: I believe the coach is willing the bench to open up and swallow him whole.
It’s natural to find yourself fibbing from time to time. I, for one, shall resolve to only tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from here on out. Just as soon as my perfect little sleeper wakes up from his (Tylenol induced) nap.
Related post: 18 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids to Stay Sane