Teaching life basics to babies is a piece of cake. Check out how I walk, little one! See how it goes? Want to roll a ball? Let me show you how. It takes a few more years of raising kids for it to really sink in that you’ve got all sorts of behaviors you do not want your children emulating. And that somewhere along the way you became a super colossal hypocrite.
So here are 15 kid Don’ts that I most definitely Do:
1. Eat cookies before dinner. Oh please. Who hasn’t?
2. Not finish my vegetables. Because I’m not a huge fan of peas either.
3. Leave my shoes where someone else can trip on them. And by “someone else,” I typically mean me.
4. Lick directly from a knife. Okay, it’s a butter knife, not a steak knife. I will reevaluate this one when both of my kids can tell the difference.
5. Wipe boogers on a shirt. The shirt is mine. The boogers are my children’s. Well, most of the time.
6. Eat raw chocolate chip cookie dough. I’m only paranoid about other people getting salmonella.
7. Make goofy faces during a serious picture. If there’s a proper time and place to photo bomb, I’m still learning it.
8. Leave dirty clothes on the floor. No matter how many times or how hard I wish, the laundry fairy has yet to arrive.
9. Take the Lord’s name in vain. Good thing He is big on the whole forgiving thing.
10. Return library books late. But. I’m. Not. Finished.
11. Use an iPhone while walking. Playdates don’t make themselves. They require multiple texts, often with a thumbs-up emoji.
12. Wear PJs in public. Less clothing changes = less laundry for #8’s fairy.
13. No, you can’t have a sugary drink. But I can.
14. Mess around on the computer when it’s nice outside. Sorry, vitamin D levels.
15. Make excuses for bad behavior. See above.
Clearly it’s a do as I say, not as I do world… at least in my house it is.