I never imagined that so much of parenthood would revolve around poop.
Being Primary Butt Wiper means that I know way too much about my kids’ bowel movements. I know the size, color, consistency, and regularity—too much. Since my husband is VP of Butt Wiping, we share information about our various findings.
Here are just some of the things parents say to each other about poop (and what they really mean):
1. “Did the baby poop or was that a fart?” Please God, let that have been a fart.
2. “Didn’t I change the last poopy diaper?” I definitely changed the last poopy diaper.
3. “You have to come see the size of this kid’s poop.” I’m amazed by the amount of excrement that this tiny human was able to produce.
4. “Does the baby still have diarrhea?” Does the baby need pants?
5. “Is that poop on the baby’s back?” BLOWOUT THREAT LEVEL ORANGE: RACERBACK.
6. “Did everyone poop today?” Can we make a run to Target without me having to wipe anyone’s butt?
7. “It still smells like poop.” This is going to be the least fun scavenger hunt ever.
8. “Were you in there pooping the entire time?” How come it takes you 20 minutes when I can be in and out of the bathroom in under a minute?
9. “Baby girl poops are the grossest to clean.” No one wants to clean poop out of a vagina.
10. “Actually, maybe baby boy poops are the grossest.” Why are there so many mystery folds? Probably the same reason that “scrotal sac” is now part of my vocabulary.
11. “I’m going to need more wipes for this one!” We’re ALL going to need baths after this.
12. “I’m going to need another plastic bag!” Remind me to burn these clothes later.
13. “Your kid pooped in the tub.” Yup, YOUR kid. I’m not letting my DNA take the blame for this one.
14. “I smelled the baby’s butt. There’s definitely poop in there.” WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T PULL ON THE BACK TO DOUBLE CHECK. You’ve been warned.
15. “Can you Google how to remove poop stains?” I’m not sure if there is one pair of kids’ underwear without skid marks in this entire house.
Parenthood isn’t for the faint of heart. No, it’s not glamorous. Yes, we probably need to get out more.
But we’re a team here at Butt Wiping Incorporated, so we try to keep a sense of humor about this shit.