If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s irrational worry. Some of us are downright gifted when it comes to visualizing the worst case scenario of pretty much everything. While statistics and rational thinking may suggest everything will be just fine, a part of my brain still worries about the practically impossible. And I say practically impossible, because though it’s highly unlikely, it could still totally happen.
Take trees for example; they seem harmless, right? Wrong. You just never know when a limb might snap off and kill you. I also have some serious concerns about squirrels who aren’t scared of people, because we all know squirrels are the sketch-balls of the forest. I’m not trying to be attacked by one of those little bastards.
Am I a weirdo? Maybe, but it turns out I’m not alone, because most people have at least one irrational fear. Though the odds may be against it, that doesn’t keep us from worrying. Here are a few of the most common irrational fears.
1. Snakes in the toilet.
Or, let’s be honest, snakes turning up anywhere they shouldn’t be, including airplanes. Thanks, Samuel L. Jackson.
2. Being eaten or maimed by a water monster.
Sharks, alligators, some undiscovered fish-beast-thing that lurks in dark water, and has razor-sharp teeth. This is your fear, not mine, so choose your own untimely demise.
3. Crashing your car off a bridge.
Bonus points if it falls into water and you are submerged beneath, unable to escape.
4. Brain-eating amoebas or flesh-eating bacteria.
WHY ARE THINGS LIKE THIS REAL?!
The earth should not be able to spontaneously crack open and eat things.
6. Your foot being chewed-off by a ravenous beast should you dare put it outside the covers, or God-forbid let it hang over the edge of the bed.
You’d think people would grow out of this one when they hit adulthood, but you’d be wrong.
7. Walking over grates in parking lots or on sidewalks.
I mean, even if they don’t break causing you to plummet to bottom of a concrete hole, let’s all remember Stephen King’s gift of It.
Which lead me to…
Yeah, I don’t feel like I need to explain this one.
9. Driving beside or around, or near, or between large semi-trucks.
Unless you are Vin Diesel, I feel like this is completely valid.
10. Creepy basements.
You know there are bodies in those walls, or some shifty serial killer who has been waiting all day for you to come down there.
Frogs, toads, and other slimy amphibian-y critters. Just no.
12. Porcelain dolls.
Manufactures are required to curse them before boxing, so they come to life in the middle of the night. Pretty sure I read that somewhere.
They fly an inch away from your forehead just to screw with you. Then they laugh about it with their friends.
14. Something or someone (animal/monster/serial killer) hiding in the dumpster or garbage bin, waiting to spring out and kill or eat you.
It’s the most logical hiding place for shady characters.
15. Someone hiding in your back seat or under your car.
They are most likely waiting to kill you or kidnap you. I check that shit every time.
16. Walking down open stairwells.
Because someone could grab your ankle or cut your achilles tendon. You know they could.
17. Bugs and arachnids.
Crawling on you, or in your ear while you sleep, or generally just being alive in your presence.
18. Dying in any kind of freak accident and orphaning your children.
But seriously, do you know how many things can kill you?
19. Having your hand cut off by the garbage disposal.
If shit would just stop falling in there all the time, I wouldn’t have to worry about this!
20. The dark.
Because, serial killers. And clowns. And bugs.