Babies are hard. You can dot every “i” and cross every “t,” but the unavoidable truth is that when they finally pop out, your world is going to be rocked. Pre-baby you may have been a normal, functional member of society with the ability to carry on a semi-polite conversation from time to time! Ha. Never again, my friend. Your wires have been crossed and there’s not much you can do about it except buckle up and hold on for, oh, say, the next 18 years or so.
You’re going to think a lot of things now that you have a baby. Some of them are logical, some are paranoid, and some are best kept to yourself. But you know what? They’re all okay to think as long as you, you know, keep on raising that baby. Here are 21 of them.
1. It’s okay to think your baby’s ugly.
2. It’s okay to think that nap time is the best time.
3. It’s okay to think that you need that third glass of wine more than your baby needs totally non-alcoholic breast milk.
4. It’s okay to think you owe your mom a really, really big apology.
5. It’s okay to think that the day you got back down to your pre-pregnancy weight you should have been allowed to wear a beauty queen sash around that said so.
6. It’s okay to think very, very seriously about the virtues of formula when you’re in the baby aisle with a screaming newborn and no bottle.
7. It’s okay to think that all men should have to experience simulated labor to graduate from high school.
8. It’s okay to think that carrying a watermelon around inside one of your internal organs for months earned you the right to complain about what that baby did to your body. All. The. Time.
9. It’s okay to think that sometimes your baby is being an asshole on purpose, despite what the pediatrician says.
10. It’s okay to think you may already be indoctrinating your newborn with some of your totally-biased opinions, but be okay with it because he’ll have to figure it all out on his own someday, anyway.
11. It’s okay to think longingly about when he’ll be some-odd-years-old and things get back to “normal,” then have a panicked, breathe-into-a-paper-bag moment when you realize this is the new normal.
12. It’s okay to think you acted like an absolute jerk about crying babies in public before you had one.
13. It’s okay to think you’re slightly superior to those super-toned twenty-somethings with flat bikini bellies that a human hasn’t made irreversibly squishy yet (but hate them for it anyway.)
14. It’s okay to think your infant will probably be fine if you leave him in that dirty diaper for another hour. Or three.
15. It’s okay to think it’s a little weird to touch another person’s private parts upwards of 12 times a day.
16. It’s okay to think your friends with kids are doin’ it wrong. As long as you don’t say so out loud.
17. It’s okay to think the strangers who give you the side eye when your baby’s crying/dressed inappropriately/attached to you via Baby Bjorn in a bar are probably just idiots.
18. It’s okay to (sometimes) think your partner is an idiot, too.
19. It’s okay to think that okay fine, they were right, maybe I’m the idiot, but like hell if you’re ever going to admit it.
20. It’s okay to think that you grossly underestimated what you were getting yourself into.
21. It’s okay to think differently on a day-by-day basis, about whether you’re good with one kid or you want nine more.
The great thing about “thinking” is that it’s not, you know, doing. Having a child means lots of bodily changes, too, so if you accidentally slip up and—God forbid—say one of the unmentionable things you’re thinking out loud? Blame it on the hormones, baby! And if you’re worried you’re becoming a heartless, unbalanced jerk, just remember: this isn’t your brain.
This is your brain on a complete and total lack of sleep.
One day you’ll wake up and be you again! In about two decades, give or take.