‘Tis the season of beach time, summer vacation, drippy ice cream cones, and sand in your ass. Summer is boob sweat and thigh chafe; it’s trying desperately to sleep with three fans turned on you because the AC died. It’s bathing suits. It’s armpit stink. It’s outdoor carnivals and loud-ass fireworks and swamp ass. It’s mosquitoes. It’s praying your deodorant works. It’s fucking water balloons.
Fall beats the shit out of summer. Everyone who isn’t a fucking camp counselor knows this.
1. Fall has yoga pants. Yoga pants are not strappy. Yoga pants are not revealing. Yoga pants are black. Yoga pants are your real friend.
2. Fall has pumpkin spice. Bitches love pumpkin spice.
3. Fall has school. School means 7 hours of a nice teacher-person taking your kids away from you. Seven. Whole. Hours.
4. Fall has aesthetically pleasing leaf piles, which crunch pleasantly underfoot while you drink your PSL in a nice, chunky scarf.
5. Did I mention scarves? Because fall has giant-ass scarves.
6. Fall has normal temperatures. Your thighs do not chafe and you do not sweat like Donald Trump when he hears the word “Mueller.”
7. In the fall, you can drink coffee in the middle of the day and it’s warm and that feels good. You don’t feel like you want to barf because the coffee is hot and you’re hot and the whole fucking world is hot.
8. Fall lets you break out the leggings again. Everything goes with leggings.
9. In the fall, dressing comfortable (layers!) is Instagram worthy. #fallisaball
10. Two words: tall boots.
11. In the fall, your kids can play outside for hours without barging inside to whine, “It’s ho-ot,” and draping themselves over your couch, while they beg for another popsicle.
12. Thanksgiving vs. the Fourth of July: there is no contest. America was built for eatin’.
13. In the fall, your kids stop trying to run around naked all the time — at least outdoors where the neighbors can see.
14. If you take a vacation, it is likely not to a beach. Therefore, in the fall, you do not get sand in your ass or catcalled by middle-aged dudes who say things like “babe” to strangers.
15. The fall weather also means you get to talk about things like “the changing foliage” without sounding ridiculous.
16. Summer = men in jean shorts, which should always be washed by throwing them out. Fall = men in yummy sweaters, pea coats, and boots that can make any dude look hot.
17. Summer weather blows even the straightest hair into a ball of humid frizz. Fall weather is crisp and clear: hair win.
18. In the fall, if you “forget” to shave your legs, no one notices.
19. Ditto with the toenail polish.
20. In the fall, you don’t wear garments cut so high they show your pubes, necessitating waxing and the resulting screams of pain and inevitable ingrown hairs.
21. In the fall, no one can make you sit through fucking Shark Week.
22. The fall doesn’t make days too hot to leave the house, imprisoning you indoors with small children and nothing but their toys (ha!), snacks, and Moana on repeat to get you through.
23. Summer hats are large and floppy and make you sweat even more. Fall hats are adorable and slouchy and fuzzy and warm.
24. In the summer, if you try to curl up with a book, a warm blanket, and a hot cup of coffee, you’ll die of heat stroke.
25. Our defective orbital axis means that in the summer, days last for fucking ever. Meaning all these problems last even fucking longer. And your kids whine, “But it’s still light out! Do I have to go to bed?!”
Yes. Yes, you fucking do.
And Mommy is going to have some sangria. Or a mojito. Because while summer might suck, the drinks are fantastic.
Except there’s no fucking pumpkin spice.