1. Put jeans on them.
2. Hold them too tight or too loose.
3. Put salad on their plate.
4. Display affection for any of the other children in your house.
5. Don’t let them ride you like a horsey while you are attempting to do Granny push-ups on the floor.
6. Not stare into their eyes with complete focus while they are learning to use the potty.
7. Try to stand at the end of the one slide at the park that will launch them ten feet into the air, because clearly you didn’t stand there for their brother so you won’t be standing there for them, either.
8. Try to ever wear your new fancy shoes because you made the mistake of letting them try the shoes on once, so now the shoes are theirs.
9. Look sternly in their direction.
10. Don’t let them push those tiny carts in the grocery store when you just can’t bring yourself to deal with the drama that day.
11. Let the other kids in the house get on the bus to go to school.
12. Don’t let them talk to Grandma on the phone. For hours. And by talking I mean staring at the phone and smiling while Grandma and you both try desperately to get one word out of them.
13. Don’t let them look at themselves on your phone while you are trying to take a picture of them.
14. Not kiss the exact right spot where they injured themselves. Even if it’s their butt.
15. Suggest that it’s almost time to go to bed or put clothes on or eat lunch. Suggest anything, really.
16. Don’t let them drink out of every water fountain in every library and every airport on the planet.
17. Hold a baby.
18. Give them other food besides yogurt or crackers or noodles.
19. Go to a different room in the house without taking them with you. Or even warning them that this was about to happen.
20. Forget that they need to sit on your lap all day on Wednesdays.
21. Try to teach them how to zip a zipper.
22. Strap them into their carseat on Tuesdays.
23. Say mean things to them, like, you need to wear shoes or you can’t go outside.
24. Forget that, since you allowed them to help push the buttons on the washer that one time, this is now their job and you must never touch the buttons again.
25. Not help them when they specifically asked you not to help and now they are irreversibly stuck in their sweatshirt or underpants.
Related post: The 10 Dumbest Things I’ve Said to My Toddlers