If there’s anything that moms like more than children’s Benadryl, it’s saving money. Here are some real life money saving tips and tricks to save a few bucks that I bet you haven’t thought of yet, and best of all, they’re all things that make your life a little easier to boot!
1. Family vacation? Fuck that. Hey, do you know what’s worse than cleaning, wiping, feeding, and bedtime routine? Doing it all in an unfamiliar location without access to your forgotten sensitive baby wash, thermometer (of course someone’s going to get sick), special bedtime book, and Xanax (just kidding, that’s the first thing you’d pack, but still). Save your money until your kids are old enough for a Teen Tour. Or an adults-only resort with their significant others.
2. College savings? Ha ha. You know what’s a joke? Saving the approximately one million dollars you need to subsidize three kids in college in 10-15 years. The smartest one can get a scholarship and the other two… well, maybe they’ll be athletic. If not, student loans exist for a reason. Or work-study. Or pole-dancing. Whatevs.
3. Lessons? Camps? How about The School of Life. Horseback riding lessons aren’t going to do anything but overdraw your bank account. And didn’t you see Gone with the Wind? That stuff is dangerous. Instead, take your children into the woods and explain what poison ivy is and which mushrooms are edible. What, you don’t know that stuff? Didn’t your parents send you to Girl Scouts? Um, well, Google it.
4. Movies in the theater? Are you a sheep? Teach your child that only conformists watch blockbusters in the theaters. Everyone else waits until the movies come out on Netflix or can be downloaded illegally online. Because rules are made to be broken. Except the rules you make in your house.
5. New shoes? Whatever doesn’t kill you, et cetera. All this “arch support” nonsense is a conspiracy. Use this as a jumping-off point to teach how people can thrive in all sorts of challenging situations, like being raised by wolves in the woods. Similarly, if your preteen wants Uggs that bad, she can scour the consignment sales. If you look really solemn while making this analogy, it will seem more logical.
That’s all the tips for today! Make sure that you get your husband on board too, but wait until after Mother’s Day. You liked the spa gift certificate he gave you last year.
Related post: 10 Ways Having Children Saves You Money
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