Like most moms, I love my kids with a ferocity that rivals a Kardashian’s love for a selfie stick. But that doesn’t mean I’m always happy to see my offspring, and truthfully, there are several situations when I want to shoo them away like adorable pests, albeit temporarily.
1. In the middle of the night
Hear that, son? That’s the sound of raccoons rooting through garbage cans while an owl hunts for voles. These are known as nighttime sounds and should remind you that you should be asleep right now. If you’re scared or sad, I get it: I’m not made of stone, and you can come to me for snuggles and mommy-love. But I have little sympathy when you want goldfish crackers at 3 a.m. because you didn’t eat your dinner, or your bug bite itches and you want another story. Bye, Felicia.
2. When they’re covered in yuck
Child, if you are covered in: pee, poo, puke, soap, syrup, slop, jam, jelly, juice, butter, broth, batter, paint, perfume, petrochemicals, glitter, goo, gum, makeup, mud, milk or, heaven help us, instant cement or super glue, please go outside and wait for me by the garden hose. You could be covered in Sauvignon Blanc and I’d still need a minute to calm myself before entering cleanup mode.
3. Too early in the morning
Much like waking me up in the middle of the night, getting me up too early in the morning will also earn you the look of disappointment. Come on, kid; just because a presumably evil architect designed our house so that dawn’s first rays hit you in the face doesn’t mean you have to pounce on my bed, both terrifying and alarming me without even the courtesy of a cup of joe in your tiny paws. Next time bring a donut.
4. During sexy time
Unless we’re creepy hippies or from some wanton humanoid civilization that celebrates the procreative process by allowing children to witness conception firsthand, it’s mortifying when you glide into the bedroom like a specter to question why mommy and daddy are sharing the same side of the bed. You win extra embarrassment points if you act distressed and ask your father if he’s hurting mommy by lying on top of her like that and your father replies she likes it. Let’s just put the kibosh on your witnessing anything that involves your parents and copulation in the same sentence, room, or even house. Back out of the room slowly, kiddo, and forget this ever happened.
5. In the bathroom
Without fail, you traipse after me into the bathroom no matter what my intention. Somehow, you manage to enunciate like in no other situation when you loudly ask whether I plan to PEE or POO and IF YOU CAN SEE. I’m sure this is some sort of revenge that you unintentionally concocted for my potty training you, but now I seem to be stuck with you whenever I have to use the loo. It’s called a potty break, not a potty pow-wow.
It’s OK for parents to occasionally wish their progeny would leave them alone in a few situations, however briefly. Yet before you even realize it, you’ll want them back, because Mother Nature has ensured that your kids are irresistible to you. Most of the time.