Remember the first time you saw the doors open behind Gene Wilder’s head, revealing the fairy tale-esque Chocolate Room in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Did you, too, spend most of your childhood wondering if you might ever get to lick giant toadstools made of chocolate?
Currently, we are able to purchase a Wonka Bar, a Scrumdidilyumptious bar and an Everlasting Gobstopper—which is not very everlasting—in real life. But there are many treats Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory introduced to us and our imaginations that haven’t made it to mass-consumer market. We are still waiting, Wonka. And, like Veruca Salt, we want it now.
While Johnny Depp can rock lady makeup and a pageboy wig, take a trip further back down memory lane and try to recollect the amazing Wilder as Wonka and all the songs we know by heart, even the boring ones like “Cheer Up Charlie” that I fast-forwarded through once we got a VCR. I wanted my kids to have “The Candy Man” lyrics ingrained in their heads too, and so we watch the original film.
Nestlé can make it up to us all by building a Wonka factory right next to Harry Potter’s Wizarding World, since they own the brand. Why hasn’t this been done yet? I’m eagerly awaiting that chocolate river, because we all witnessed how Grandpa Joe’s debilitating ailments suddenly, conveniently disappeared. The man spent 20 years in bed prior to his miraculous recovery, which enabled him to do-si-do around the factory and proved that chocolate does cure everything. I could go all TLC music video in that chocolate waterfall.
For now, here is our candy waiting list (in order that they appear in the movie):
1. Edible Tulip Teacups
Like “The Candy Man” lyrics say, “You can even eat the dishes.” This tasty and brilliant concept is not only eco-friendly, it also appeals to my lazy side of not wanting to clean. Some savory soup bowls will be even more awesome than disposable plates. Bring on the edible china!
2. Exploding Candy for Your Enemies
Before we were able to glitter-bomb people we don’t like, Mike Teevee tried out the candy that blasted him across the Inventing Room, sending a gunpowder cloud out of his mouth. Who doesn’t love revenge candy? Enough said.
3. Rainbow Drops
Wonka offers these treats to Mike Teevee’s mom. Rainbow Drops allow you to spit in seven different colors. Purple, red and blue spit trumps even peeing in the snow. I have two boys who would be all over rainbow spitball fights. Yes, please, Wonka, get these made.
4. Three-Course-Dinner Gum
Violet infamously turned into an inflatable blueberry after enjoying the tomato soup and roast beef with baked potato portion of this Three-Course-Dinner gum. The closest thing we have to this is Extra Dessert Delights gum, which has some yummy flavors, and I’m pretty sure no one has ever morphed into a gigantic apple pie after chewing it. I’m predicting some fried chicken gum would be popular. Think of all the hangry children we could fake feed with gum.
5. Lickable Wallpaper
I’m down with anything that serves more than one function, so simultaneous decorating and feeding sound good to me. I imagine screaming at my kids before school, “Go lick your walls, and we will go!” It would be such a time-saver, not having to cook or clean. Although I will admit, it sounds like a breeding ground for germs, and a kid could possibly develop a complex from making out with a wall while growing up.
6. Fizzy Lifting Drink
This is the concoction that Charlie and Grandpa Joe chug, and then float in a room of bubbles, almost die by ceiling fan, but burp down to safety. Imagine the fun you can have at parties with such a drink! Cristal could get in on this action, mixing their tiny bubbles with a lift kit. You’re welcome, Cristal.
7. Double Bubble Burp-a-Cola
Not to be confused with the above-mentioned Fizzy Lifting Drink, this refreshment is what the Oompa Loompas used to fuel the Wonkamobile. How awesome would it be to quench your thirst and fill your car with a 2-liter bottle of cola? I’m pretty sure you can do that with Coke anyway, but Double Bubble Burp-a-Cola is more fun to say.
8. Wonka Vision
Why can’t we transport chocolate through our televisions yet? Amazon is focusing on drones instead of this? Chocolate could be just a remote-control button away, you guys.
Since the original movie came out in 1971, it’s high time these marvelous treats are available to consumers. Quit depriving us, Wonka! The candy man makes everything he bakes satisfying and delicious. He mixes it with love and makes the world taste good. We’re waiting.