A Scene

HOME. SURROUNDED BY WET POOL TOWELS, AN OVERFLOWING SINK OF DIRTY DISHES AND MASS CHAOS.

Lily, screaming at the top of her lungs for an unknown reason.

Evan, naked, running circles around the house chanting “I have a big booty” repeatedly.

Ben, wearing 6 pairs of socks, attempting to skate across the family room floor.

Enter the babysitter.

Evan shrieks, “No!”

Ben announces that he has to make a big poop.

Lily stomps upstairs.

Pandemonium ensues.

Me: “Guess what?! Never mind, you’ll never guess, so I’ll just tell you. It’s crazy! I just landed a book deal. A real, live book deal!”

Ben yells from the bathroom, “Mommy, come here fast! I need you to wipe me.”

Evan sticks his finger in his nose and examines the contents. He wipes them on my jeans and walks away.

Lily discovers that her computer game has been turned off and informs me that I am the worst mother in the world.

Sitter: “Wow! That’s so exciting! What’s the book about?”

Ben: “I don’t think you wiped me all the way, I feel poop in my tushy.”

Lily: “Did you not hear me? I said you are the meanest mother ever. Meaner than any of my friend’s parents. Meaner than Miss Hannigan. Meaner than a witch. Just so so so mean.”

Uncomfortable silence.

Me: “Um, parenting…”

Sitter: Blank stare.

End scene.

{This is not a work of fiction. Confessions of a Scary Mommy available from Simon & Schuster, April 2012. Eeek! }