The directions say to eat one block, not one bar
If you’ve ever needed some, um, help to go to the bathroom, you may have tried a laxative to speed things along. And if you have, you know you best not make any plans for the day but for the horror of having to find a public restroom — stat (“generally produces bowel movement in 6-12 hours” my ass). You also know reading the directions is a critical component so you don’t take too much. Unfortunately, one woman’s husband didn’t entirely understand the importance of this step and will forever regret it.
Author Abby Jimenez‘ husband decided to take some ex-lax, as one does, and unfortunately, he didn’t quite understand the “two chocolate pieces” measurement for individuals older than 12 meant two blocks, not two bars. She shared the hilarious aftermath (with his permission) and it’s impossible not to snort-laugh when you read it.
“So last night my husband took some Ex-lax,” Jimenez wrote. “Then this morning, some shit started going down. Like, literally. He looked at the packaging and realized that when it said to eat 1-2 squares, it meant the tiny squares, not an entire block. He ate 12 DOSES of Ex-lax.” You can imagine how things went down from here.
“So I’m calling Poison Control because he thought he was dying and I literally cannot stop laughing. I’m barely able to talk, I’m laughing so hard,” she continued. The guy was like, ‘The biggest risks are cramping, dehydration, and diaper rash.’ Motherfucking DIAPER RASH.” That’s a new one.
She and Mr. Poison Control went back and forth and clearly he was also feeling bad for her husband, so much so that he recommended she pick up a tube of Desitin. (Yes, the baby product.) “I am not equipped to deal with this kind of crisis,” Jimenez quips. “I know it could have been super serious, but OMG. And the funniest part of all is he thought he only took a half dose because he only ate one bar.” Bless.
Jimenez was quick to update her followers that her husband was just fine. “My husband is doing great. He said his life flashed before his eyes for a solid hour and then he just sorta popped out of the bathroom like *jazz hands* I’M FINE,” she wrote. For her part, Jimenez explained, it took days for her to stop laughing hysterically thinking about the entire ordeal.
“I’m still crying. I can’t even drink my latte because I keep choking thinking about it and spitting my coffee back into my mug,” she wrote. “I had to lay down sideways in a restaurant booth because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, three full hours after this happened.”
When asked about the now-viral reaction to the post, she tells Scary Mommy it’s been a wild experience. “Dude Wipes wants to send him wipes. I laughed so hard last night just laying in bed thinking about this whole thing my husband was getting mad because I was shaking the bed.”
If Jimenez’ name sounds familiar, it’s because she is the social media manager for Nadia Cakes — yes thee of the infamous geode cake that looked like a vagina and took the internet by storm — and her responses to the entire ordeal were funnier than the actual cake itself.
“If I’ve taken anything away from this, it’s that my husband isn’t the first and he won’t be the last to make this mistake. So many pooping stories in my mentions right now!” she said.
And if you want more doses, not of ex-lax but of Jimenez’ side-splitting humor, check out her new book The Friend Zone, which came out in June and was an instant USA Today best seller.