It seems these days that everyone has lost their damned mind. People are fighting with friends on Facebook over politicians, there are skirmishes in grocery stores over cell phone calls and carts that block the aisles, and one look at any rush hour traffic jam will confirm that rudeness is reigning supreme all across America. You know that phrase, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”? It’s like all of humanity is walking around with a Costco-sized spray bottle of vinegar lately.
“Reply all” emails, not returning phone calls, using cell phones in a bathroom stall, recording a kid’s performance with a giant-ass iPad — everywhere you turn, people are being rude AF and it blows my mind.
When exactly did we decide that it’s okay to just use “rude” as our default mode? When did we all take a collective sigh and say, “Fuck it, I gotta do me,” and forget our manners? I recognize that when I have an interaction with a rude person, it’s not always about me and sometimes we lash out at people when we are stressed or dealing with a situation beyond our control. Everyone is rude sometimes.
But being consistently rude makes you an asshole. And fortunately for you, I’ve come up with a list of obnoxious behaviors that will help you determine if you, too, are rude AF.
1. If you don’t leave a tip, you are rude AF.
Waiters and waitresses work for literally pennies on the dollar, and often in busy restaurants. The fact that your food arrived late to the table has nothing to do with their efforts.
Oh, what’s that you say? Your server wasn’t quick with your fourth refill, and now you don’t want to tip them for being at your beck and call all night? Well, guess what? You’d be harried and stressed too if you had six tables full of demanding assholes like yourself.
Leave the tip (and don’t be greedy), and be grateful someone one else took care of the dishes tonight.
2. If you don’t RSVP to a party, you are rude AF.
When you get an invite, people, just respond. Chances are, you’ve looked at your calendar and you know you can’t go. Just say it, and be done with it. Don’t leave the hostess hanging. Rude.
3. Swooping into a parking spot when someone has already claimed it with their blinker is definitely rude AF.
To the people who think this is okay: Seriously? You are such a jerk.
It’s rude, it makes me hostile, and if it happens in a grocery store parking lot, I might just have to let my cart gently nudge your bumper on the way to my car that I had to park farther away because you were rude AF.
Cart nudging isn’t rude as long as it is done for revenge. Duh.
4. Asking if anyone other than invited guests can come to the party? RUDE.
No, your kids can’t come to the adults-only dinner out. No, your aunt visiting from the Netherlands can’t come to the small intimate wedding. No, your dog can’t come to the fancy cocktail party. Get your shit together, rude AF people.
5. Cutting to the front of the line in a traffic jam makes you rude AF.
Listen here, Mr. I’m in A Bigger Rush Than You Because I’m More Important, I’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes, listening to my radio while attempting to not go postal on the construction workers delaying my trip to the beach. If you think that you are going to fly in and merge at the last minute, you’ve got another think coming, my friend. Oh, and yes, that’s me angling my car so that you can’t get around me because I learned how to wait my turn in kindergarten. Learn how to act right, please!
6. Writing ‘No Wrapped Gifts’ on an invitation is extremely rude AF.
Oh, I get it. You just want cash, and you don’t want the hassle of having to open a thoughtful gift. Well, why don’t you just save us all the trouble and just send me your PayPal link so I don’t have to sit here eating rubbery appetizers while pretending you aren’t rude AF?
I even RSVPed, because unlike you, I’m not rude AF.
7. If you are disturbing the peace, I’m calling you rude AF under my breath.
Whether it’s talking loudly on your cell phone in the library or playing music no one likes at the beach, if you are selfishly filling my space with your needless noise, it’s a fair assumption that I’m muttering about you and your rudeness under my breath. No one likes the loud, garish guy sitting next to them at a restaurant, so don’t be that guy. Just pipe down and recognize that not everyone wants to hear about your colonoscopy as we shop for groceries.
8. Sitting directly in front of the only two people in the movie theater = R.U.D.E.
What is it with the phenomenon that forces people to enter an empty theater and sit directly in front of the only two souls in there? If you do this, just stop. Seriously. Find your own damned row. Stop being rude AF and blocking my view of the only movie I’ll likely see this year. Also, I’d like to put my feet up, so move over.
9. Not cleaning up after your dog is just plain rude AF.
Look, I get it. Shit happens when it comes to dogs — literally. And while it’s disgusting AF to have to handle poop, it’s far more rude to let your dog poop in someone’s yard and leave it behind. No one wants to get a foot full of fecal matter on the way to the mailbox, so make sure you pick up after your pup.
Poop scooping is just the right thing to do. So bring your baggies when you leave the house with your pooch, or be prepared to scoop that poop out of my precious sod with your bare hands. You decide.
Let’s all take a giant step back and try to remember what we learned in preschool: Take turns, share, be kind, and play nicely. If 5-year-olds are able to grasp these simple concepts, we should be able to as well.
So when the urge strikes you to be obnoxious to a barista because your coffee isn’t just right, or when you feel the need to make someone else foot the bill for dinner by ignoring the check, just stop it.
You catch more flies when you are nice AF. True story.