10 Baby Firsts You’ll Never Want to Experience Again

Kids grow up too fast.

I’m probably not telling you anything you don’t know, unless today you happen to be having one of those How long is it until this kid has to move out and get a job, again???  days. On those days, it seems like they’re never going to grow up.

Last night, as we watched Maddie toddle around and turn into an adult right before our eyes, Gerry asked me, “If science came up with a way to stop the aging process for us, would you want to have more kids?”

My response, after I stopped laughing, was a resounding, “Hell. No.” Which surprised me a little at first, to be that  sure I was finished having babies. But when he asked me why, the answer came pretty readily. Something about nine months of physical discomfort, followed by brain-cracking, horrific pain, and also something about taking a breath between screams only to hear the doctor say, “I can’t figure out where all this blood is coming from” while a 12,000-watt high beam illuminates your nether regions for an audience at a teaching hospital.

Still, an element of the certainty, the finality of it, makes me terribly sad. Maddie’s already 18 months old – no more first smiles, no more first steps, no more first scrunchy face made at the first taste of the first bowl of that disgusting rice cereal gruel.

*sniff*

But whenever I start to get all gooshy and sentimental, I remember there are OTHER baby-related firsts I’ll never have to deal with again, either.

baby-crying-in-mothers-arm
1. First projectile spit-up that requires everyone to get in the bathtub. Immediately. Fully clothed.

2. First dried up, crunchy umbilical cord stump found floating around loose inside footie pajamas.

3. First call to Poison Control.

4. First time Poison Control operator laughs at you when you report, “My baby ate Butt Paste.”

5. First major outing without a diaper bag, and the resulting sock-and-electrical-tape MacGyvered diaper, applied while attempting not to touch any surfaces in a public restroom.

6. First hoop earring unceremoniously removed in a sudden jerking motion by nursing infant.

7. First diaper explosion that requires disassembling, laundering, and sanitizing an entire pack-n-play.

8. First time noticing two huge wet spots on the front of your shirt… after you’ve already been out in public for several hours.

9. First night of lost sleep due to baby crying for 7 hours straight, ending abruptly with the child falling asleep peacefully five minutes before your alarm goes off.

10. First belated baby proofing; installing a cabinet latch on the changing table immediately after finding your baby sitting happily in the middle of a baby powder eruption.

See? I feel less sniffly already. I guess I should change that title to 10 Baby Firsts That I’m Pretty Glad I PROBABLY Won’t Be Doing Again, though. We still do have a baby around here, after all. It’s not too late for her to eat some Butt Paste.

About the writer

@RobynHTV

Robyn Welling is a freelance writer, editor and graphic designer. She's even a New York Times bestselling humorist, yet her five kids and otherwise pretty amazing husband refuse to admit she's funny. She's a daily contributor to Scary Mommy, creates gorgeous pinnable images for the site's articles and makes sure the Scary Mommy Pinterest stream is full of fabulous stuff you won't want to miss! Follow Robyn on Twitter.

From Around the Web

Close

birkin bag 2 years ago

We used to call our lil man Ninja spitter/ pooper/ pee-er. In a split second that I get out the wipe? Seriously?!

silly mommy 3 years ago

youngest was 6? my youngest attended the birth (best birth control system ever, she doesn’t want to have kids for a LONG time) she was 16 when her sister was born 2 years ago.

Erika 3 years ago

Oh my gosh! Too funny!

Hollie 3 years ago

Ugh! Heart Monitors!!! It’s the stupid loose wires! It went off three times in a Babies R Us, and management thought it was a fire alarm. I didn’t realize it until they started evacuating the building…

P 3 years ago

Love the stories, ladies :) We used to call our lil man Ninja spitter/ pooper/ pee-er. In a split second that I get out the wipe? Seriously?!

Emoree 3 years ago

My two-year old as a newborn (showing a great display of foreshadowing) entertained my sleeping husband and I in the middle of the night with a feeding and then a projectile poop. In slow motion I surveyed the damage following the trail as it landed on my right leg (not so bad), my right arm (ew), my bedding (uh oh), the headboard (really??) and finally I looked at my sleeping husband who had a nice spattering all over his head and face. I had to gently wake him up without alarming him (not “wake up there’s a SPIDER on you!!”). Surprisingly, he didn’t mind taking a shower in the middle of the night. Luckily, I had clean sheets and bedding ready.

Sandra 3 years ago

First time your husband tells you that you have a large dried milk dribble stain down the back of your top and you realise that you have been out grocery shopping with said stain…

Corinne @ Surviving Motherhood with a Sense of Humor 3 years ago

I read this thinking that it would put a screeching halt to the thoughts of a 3rd I’ve been having…as I read it I missed the baby stage that much more. How whacked is that?! Guess there’s no hope for a 2 child house for me!

huskymom 3 years ago

Wow. I don’t actually have any human children (just a Husky canine child). Thank you all for your frightening baby moments. I shall go count my birth control pills and remember that projectile poop happens. That should keep me off of baby fever for 3-5 years… :)

Candy 3 years ago

A view, I guess, is better than none :-)

Jessica 3 years ago

This is hilarious and makes me feel so much better about our poison control call or *ahem* calls.

hilljean 3 years ago

The umbilical cord is just too much! I wish I would’ve had the camera ready when I read that one aloud to my husband. Priceless.

Toulouse 3 years ago

That thing was gonna be the end of me. Told hubs if we were to be allowed to choose which thing (between feeding tube and heart monitor) we could get rid of first, that would (and was) the thing. The worst was when he’d get mad and scream in the back seat of the car and his bp would go above the limit on the high end and the alarm would start going off. Me=driving and wanting to shoot myself.

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

Lol, true true 😉

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

OHMYGOD, Margaret, I’m so sorry – I didn’t see your reply there until later when I scrolled back by – what an awful thing for me to reply! Obviously I was responding to Laura. I can only pray that never actually happened to you and you’re speaking in hypotheticals, but if it did I am so, so terribly sorry. You’re right, there’s really nothing worse to hear than that. Hugs to you. xo

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Noooooo! After the first time, I started wearing black shirts. That helps with the wetness, but when it dries it makes the white milk rings even more obvious – after I figured that out, I gave up. 😉

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I can see you’re an optimistic woman! 😉

LOVE what your daughter must’ve been thinking: “I’m going to poop without a diaper where I can watch all the neighbors walk by” – Ha!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I can’t tell you how hard I rolled my eyes when I realized I was going to have to call Poison Control and saw what she’d eaten. Figures, it just COULDN’T be Desitin, could it?

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Hear hear! I don’t think I’ve held one of my babies directly over my head in 10 years, for that exact reason.

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

You always hear that every baby is different – except they don’t warn you that sometimes they aren’t!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I’m with you, sister. How many times has the phrase, “What the hell were we thinking?” gone through my head?!?

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Bad kitty! **stifles laughter**

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I love it when they save the extra special disgusting stuff for the doctor’s office, of all places, where you’re most freaked out about looking like a competent parent. :/

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Awesome visual. :)

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Ha! Sometimes they can do it without you even realizing they’ve peed until after you get the diaper and all their clothes back on. Or is that just me?

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

We’ve made several ER trips ourselves – and yes, it’s terrifying. A frequent visitor card is genius, though! At least there’d be *something* good about going.

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Oh believe me, this’ll be my third go-around with potty training, so I’m all too aware of the nap poop and their other sneaky tricks. That’s probably why I couldn’t bear to put it on the list – I’m trying to block it out!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Oh, the things that spray out of babies… I still never let my 10yo forget that he projectile pooped in his isolette at the hospital before they let us take him home, and it was such an ecological disaster they had to send the whole thing out for some specialized cleaning. But at least I wasn’t in the line of fire!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I see we have a tough case… Somebody bring this woman a birthing video, stat! Or you can do what I did, and just have another. 😉

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Spicy toothpaste!!! I just guffawed!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I feel you – how do you think I ended up with another baby when my youngest was 6? 😉

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

You know I’m always here to scare the estrogen out of you, whenever you need me. 😉

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

I’m amazed you can type a coherent thought – seriously impressive! Hang in there, mama!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

There are a lot of things that I thought would be hard to deal with due to the gross factor before I had kids, and although most of them turned out not to be too bad, I still have trouble cleaning up vomit. Uggghhhhhhhh.

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Too true! We also have two school agers and two older boys – they just get harder and harder to protect, don’t they?

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Gah, the feeding tube! We were so lucky my first was off his by the time we brought him home, but he was on oxygen and a heart monitor – I’d forgotten about that freight-train alarm going off in the middle of the night, or the time I almost drove off the road because it went off while he was in his car seat! It was loose wires every time, but that doesn’t keep you from having a heart attack!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

And they’d better be grateful if we give them those odds, some days. 😉

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

My baby’s last blow out happened while I was in public, without the diaper bag, while I was wearing her in the baby carrier. So, so nasty.

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Stupid twitchy ovaries. And don’t get me started on my uterus!

Margaret 3 years ago

Not to be overly dramatic, but never want to hear, “Hello, this is the Pasadena police calling. Your son is a missing person.” Or two days later, “We have found Brian. He is dead.”

Mikki 3 years ago

#8 Happened to me when I was visiting my uncle (my aunts husband so not blood related!) . He started giggling and said ” Um Mikki? Do you want to borrow one of my shirts?” I was horrified!

Candy 3 years ago

My favorite “first” was my 2nd kid pooping on the front porch. On purpose. Like, her thoughts were, “I’m going to poop without a diaper where I can watch all the neighbors walk by” – It wasn’t fun the first time and it wasn’t less fun the second time….the third time it was kinda funny and now I am just crossing my fingers that she doesn’t teach the “poop on the porch” trick to my youngest who is currently learning to use the ‘potty’ – (note, I said potty and not porch).

Katie 3 years ago

Haha, I had my first in summer, so I was in a sun dress and the way I was sitting next to him on the couch had my entire left side just sprayed. Nothing grossed me out after that, though!

Katie 3 years ago

Haha, I had my first in summer, so I was in a sun dress and the way I was sitting next to him on the couch had my entire left side just sprayed. Nothing grossed me out after that, though!

Devan 3 years ago

This is the one I was gonna say….projectile poop to the palm of your hand, so hard you will NEVER forget how it felt. Never happened with my first, so when it did on the second I was a little stunned.

Kelley 3 years ago

Love that it was Butt Paste and not Desitin. That doesn’t sound nearly as fun. Funny stuff, Robyn! As usual!

Sara 3 years ago

First time you are holding them in the air making stupid noises at them and they vomit in your mouth!

Jenny 3 years ago

Ha! Love it. Our first had colic and screamed like Mariah Carey for about 8.5 months. It was a “first” we assumed would be an “only.” Then we had a second who did the same thing for five months, and my ovaries shriveled up into the fetal position so that they could not make any more things that start out in a fetal position. :)

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Wrong. It was Balmex, not Butt Paste. Oh, we’re not talking about me?

First time you call the after hours line at the pediatrician to ask about the soft spot on the baby’s skull. “But I think it’s bigger and she won’t stop crying!”

Sarah 3 years ago

Hahahahaha… ha… er… hmmmm – yeah this is hilarious until I remember that I’m currently 9 months pregnant with #3. What the hell were we thinking again?

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

Ugh, the dried out umbilical stump. The one I tried to find for over an hour in a mostly unfurnished house, only to find my kitten playing with it 2 days later.

JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

I’m with Katie – first projectile poop. Was at the peditrician’s office and my baby was stripped down and on the baby scale, wailing. Nurse picks baby up, begins to hand her to me, and baby projectile poops all over my new light blue jacket. Good times.

Amy 3 years ago

I was pretty sure we were done, but after reading this list I could feel my uterus flip the sign to Closed.

Missy 3 years ago

First time you realize little girls don’t pee like little boys when laying down….and pee all over your sheets at 4am when changing a diaper.

cyn 3 years ago

First time going to the ER…so stressful and scary. Okay..any time going to the ER. I have three girls…we’ve gone a lot. I wish they gave us a little card that after 10 visits you get one free. Like at some coffee places.

Michelle Ristuccia 3 years ago

Betcha can’t wait for potty training! There’s always the first purposeful poop on the floor while they should have been napping…

Katie 3 years ago

First time you change your newborn’s diaper, only to be in the line of fire for their projectile diarrhea.

MorganD 3 years ago

*sigh* Nope. I still have baby fever. Looks like I’m not done yet!

Robin Jingjit 3 years ago

I remember my first poison control call. When my older guy was about two, we were on vacation and all sleeping in the same room. We could here him rooting around, but were pretending to be asleep in a vain attempt to get him to go to sleep, too. Finally he creeped over to me and whispered: “I ate the spicy toothpaste!” It was Ben-Gay!

Aaren 3 years ago

Sadly it didn’t work…….ugh still feel like the best part of my life is over with my youngest about to turn 6

HouseTalkN 3 years ago

Ok, my baby fever has passed. Thank you for this PSA!

Chey 3 years ago

On night three of number nine BUT she slept through the doctors office, the carpool and the grocery shopping today so she should be as to make tonight number four!

Shelley 3 years ago

First trip to the emergency room!
And first gastro bug….all the puking and shitting and squirting pedialyte down their throats every ten minutes for hours on end.

Laura 3 years ago

Those are certainly good but I would take them over some teen firsts…”Mom I think I might be pregnant”, “I want to drop out of school”, “I’ve been cutting myself”…….

It’s all relative.

Great post. x

Toulouse 3 years ago

Because my baby is a preemie and came home with equipment, I can add a new first to this list: first time baby pulls the feeding tube out of his nose/throat/tummy and YOU, a non-medical-professional, have to put it back in by yourself. It happened on the 2nd night he was home from the NICU, at 4am. I do not want to ever ever ever ever ever repeat that first. (Although I’ve done it so many times since).

Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog 3 years ago

Babies are so cute when they aren’t yours. When they are yours, it’s 50/50 😉

Shannon 3 years ago

first time you forget to reload diapers in the diaper bag and you have a blow out. same goes when you forget to reload the wipes in your bag. ick!

Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? 3 years ago

Amen! This is a great reference post every time I see a newborn and my stupid ovaries twitch.