Go home, denim. You’re drunk.
I have never heard of Vetements, but I guess that’s a thing, and that thing joined forces with Levi’s to bring you (drum roll — made entirely of farts, please)…
Bare butt jeans.
Zipper in the front for your crotch not enough freedom? Here’s a zipper for your crack. And one for your left butt cheek. And they’re throwing in a zipper for your right butt cheek absolutely free if you call in the next eight minutes and ask, “Uh, why?”
I’m trying so hard to understand this product. I want to be cool. I want to stay butt-zipper woke. So why is this a thing? Is butthole the new sideboob? I thought underboob was the new sideboob, but we’ve already established that I know nothing, so I guess, sure, get your butthole on, folks.
Here are my shots in the dark at possible explanations as to why these pants exist.
Post-Chipotle burrito and you need to air out your pants smells before they melt the poly blends in your underwear and give you a chemical burn.
If you sit in gum, it’s a lot easier to clean it off of your butt cheek that out of the fibers in your jeans.
Someone made a rude comment about your bare butt jeans and you want to punish them with a filterless crop-dusting.
You are dying for someone to tell you that your zipper is down so you can yell, “I know it is! That’s the point! It’s high fashion, you mole-person!”
Secrets, secrets are no fun. When you shart, you want the world to know. #EndShartShaming
It’s laundry day and you are out of underwear and these are the only pants you have that are clean so you’re going full-YOLO.
You’re lying out on a picnic blanket with friends on a gorgeous day at the park and want to get a little sun on your b-hole.
Hassle-free shitting in the woods.
They also come in shorts, because of course, they do, and they’re the kind of shorts where the lowest regions of your butt cheeks are past the boundaries of fabric. So if you unzip these, you’re basically just walking around with a crepe party streamer or two draped across your tush. Please don’t sit on my new couch, hip youngsters.
Maybe my youth is behind me and I’ve become an out-of-touch elderly garden gnome. Maybe this is a me problem. There are probably plenty of fashion-forward Instagram celebrities who can appreciate finally having an answer to their butt-baring prayers. I hope they’re happy and that they remembered to wax their chocolate starfish.