If you’re ever considering procreating, think long and hard about the man you marry.
I like Sting. A lot. I think The Police were the best band of all time. I’ve been known to linger when Dune comes on late-night cable TV. I’ll even listen to “Fields of Gold” if I’m nowhere near the radio remote. But tantric sex for days on end? Oh, Trudie, what are you thinking?
I’ve had sex before. You know what it got me? Two kids and chronic exhaustion. The only thing I want to do for more than eight hours is sleep.
Young single women of the world, heed my advice: If you’re ever considering procreating, think long and hard about the man you marry. Stay away from the long and hard. Or at the very least, the hard for long.
Blow jobs are the backbone of maintaining a healthy marriage after kids. But sometimes, even a heartfelt hummer won’t suffice. Intimacy must be maintained, they say. But no one said you had to lose sleep over it. So here’s why men who finish fast make the best husbands:
1. Shorter sex = more sleep!
My husband and I have one rule in the bedroom: He can do absolutely anything he wants, so long as he doesn’t wake me. Unfortunately for both of us, I’m a light sleeper. That being said, no one enjoys hearing their partner start snoring mid-coitus. That’s even more insulting than asking if he remembered to pick up Diaper Genie refills while he’s experimenting with a new move he saw on Pinterest.
2. If it takes too long, your kids will inevitably interrupt.
There’s no telling how long you have for this amorous adventure. Think of your attempts at post-kid sex as a timed chess match with an old dude at the park.
You plan your strategy before anyone touches a piece and then — boom — pawn to E4. Slap timer. Pawn to E5. Slap timer. Remove bra. Slap timer. Child asks for water. Slap timer. Open lube drawer. Slap timer. Baby wails in monitor. Slap timer. Realize lube has been commandeered by children to grease Thomas the Train’s stuck wheels and is missing. Slap timer. Is anyone ever going to take the Queen?!
3. After your kid muddied up the bed this morning, God knows what’s in your sheets.
After yet another week without sleep, you attempted to grab a few moments of shut-eye by bribing your kid with watching Sesame Street in your bed. You, however, didn’t notice the cuffs of his pants were filled with dirt/gravel/sand/glitter/googly eyes.
Now your sheets feel like pumice stones. If your husband has an elaborate Cirque du Soleil routine planned, you’re guaranteed to end up with homemade body scrub in your lady shrub. Less is more. Unless it’s your own skin. Then you should try and keep as much of it as possible.
4. You can sneak in a quickie while there’s frozen pizza in the oven.
A good husband can order dinner, make your knees quake, then open the front door before the delivery man rings the doorbell and wakes the kids. A great husband can throw a frozen pizza in the toaster oven, switch over the laundry, open two beers, and ravage your body — all before burning the crust.
5. You need to bang this thing out before either of you notice your vagina smells like a hamster cage.
6. There’s an episode of Empire waiting on the DVR.
If Cookie waits for no man, I shouldn’t have to either.
And for those of you who are already elbow deep in progeny? Yes, there was a time when sex with your partner was something to savor and make last. And yes, in theory, someday that time will return (even if by then most of the time involved is spent waiting for a little blue pill to kick in). But for now, ditch the desensitizers and take the win. Because I’m pretty sure I hear your toddler trying to flush the gerbils at this very moment.
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