1. Catch baby after chasing him around the couch.
2. Lift baby so his bum is in front of your face.
3. Conduct whiff test to confirm, yes, he pooped.
4. Carry squirming baby to the changing area.
5. Place baby on his back on the changing table.
6. Commence taking off baby’s pants as he tries to roll over.
7. Place baby on his back on the changing table, again.
8. Repeat steps 6 and 7.
9. Open changing table drawer.
10. Remove clean diaper from drawer.
11. Quickly scan the drawer’s contents to find an object to distract the child. (Fingernail clippers, thermometer, diaper cream, lotion, medicine dropper etc.)
12. Hand child the $45.00 temporal thermometer. It beeps. He will like it.
13. Remove child’s pants.
14. Undo tabs of diaper.
15. Assess the size of the poop and mentally calculate the required ratio of wipes to poop.
16. Grab needed wipes from dispenser.
17. Begin wiping baby while he tries to roll over.
18. Get poop on your hand.
19. Grab more wipes, try to quickly wipe poop from your hand.
20. Grab more wipes to remove the poop that is now on baby’s heel.
21. Hear the thud as the temporal thermometer hits the ground.
22. Roll up the offensive diaper with one hand, while the other hand holds the baby’s feet.
23. Give the baby the wipes box to play with.
24. Slide the new diaper under the baby and bring baby’s legs down.
25. Fasten tabs of new diaper as he tries to roll over.
26. Hear the thud of the wipes box as it hits the ground.
27. The diaper is now securely on the baby. It is crooked, but on the baby.
28. Commence putting each of the baby’s kicking legs into his pants. Baby has now kicked the pants off.
29. Repeat step 28.
30. Give up on the pants and carry pants-free baby into the bathroom, while trying not to touch him with your poop hand.
31. Wash baby’s poop foot in the sink.
32. Set him down on the floor.
33. Wash your poop hands.
34. Notice your baby’s eyebrows are turning red as he is making “the face”.
35. Start over, beginning at step 2.
Related post: 10 Things You Should Know About Babies