Being child-free can be pretty damn great, as these hilarious tweets prove
As a loving parent who thinks their kids hung the moon, it’s hard to imagine that not everyone’s into this lifestyle. And yet, it’s true — tons of very happy adults have fulfilling lives and zero interest in ever having kids. Their reasons (which are none of anyone’s business, by the way) are varied and all perfectly valid — and TBH, even us parents have to admit that not having kids sounds like it could be pretty damn amazing.
But what’s done is done and even though life with our rug rats is mostly dreamy, we can still fully appreciate and embrace the humor (and truth) behind these tweets about why not having a baby can be the greatest choice of all.
First of all, not everyone is cut out for this stuff.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
— moody monday (@mdob11) April 25, 2014
Not everyone coos and squeals when they meet a baby.
Some people reserve that level of enthusiasm for other very important things.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 10, 2018
Also? Kids are fabulous but let’s not forget how many other exciting paths a person can take in life. Much respect to all the cool and mysterious wine aunts — you’re living the dream.
Ladies, imagine this. It’s 15 years from now, and you have no kids. You’re the cool wine aunt that occasionally comes back to the country for a brief visit before leaving for another long, exotic vacation. You have no commitments, and a suspicious amount of money.
— Em Treasure (@emtreas) May 22, 2018
Of course, there are some who will shit on those who admit they’re just not feeling parenthood. All those joyously living a child-free lifestyle need a snappy comeback like this one to shut up the naysayers.
"You don't want children? That's selfish!"
"It IS? I'd better get a vasectomy so I don't pass on my selfish genes!"
— Zach Weinersmith (@ZachWeiner) January 18, 2016
Because kids aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. And if being surrounded by screaming all the time isn’t really your bag, then maybe it’s smart to pass.
There is no better birth control than the sound of a child screaming.
— Lee Newton of The Valleyfolk (@leenewtonsays) March 18, 2015
You could always get a pupper, after all. Or a dozen of them. Sky’s the limit when you’re not saving thousands of dollars for someone’s future college education.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 5, 2015
I mean, it’s just good sense to never lose sight of all the other options out there.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters pic.twitter.com/z1oVFr9ksW
— everett byram (@rad_milk) November 16, 2015
Which is why those of us elbow-deep in the whole “having kids” thing should probably keep our mouths shut. We know not what we say and the kid-free by choice crowd really doesn’t need our nonsense.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you'll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) September 4, 2014
It seems like people just aren’t thinking when they try to convince others to jump on the baby train.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) September 17, 2018
Because a person should be really into the whole idea — parenthood is not something to enter with lukewarm feelings. Or thoughts of having any disposable income whatsoever.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
— The Booty of Bethlehem (@NothingOnNeecie) April 17, 2018
The thing is, you have to be all in. There’s like, a whole other entire language and math system involved here.
oh your son is 73 months old that's cool i literally i have no idea if he's five or forty two
— jonbeignet ramsey (@jdelwoo) June 20, 2012
Which is why those celebrating their amazing kid-free existence should be applauded and understood — not told that they need to give this whole parenting thing a shot. Because even kids themselves know there are other paths you can take — truly, truly enviable ones.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
And as far as us parents go? It would do us well to remember that although we’re head over heels, no one’s as impressed by our baby’s feats as we are.
Baby giraffes can walk within minutes of birth but sure, show me more photos of your infant doing nothing, Carol.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) April 13, 2016
Rightfully so, TBH.
People say " You're 40 now. You should be settling down and having kids. "
Well I'm busy at the moment making sure my dogs taco costume is ready for Halloween. pic.twitter.com/K0KWAasT6r
— Destry™ (@DestryBrod) September 8, 2018