How I Coexist With School Moms From Another Planet

My first clue that the moms at my kids’ new school were not just like me was the first mention of the words “my driver.” Yep, I’m talking about a personal chauffeur waiting outside of the coffee shop for her to finish her skim chai latte.

Wow.

On my planet, me and the kids take the subway, the bus, or occasionally act like barbarians and walk places. How was I to ever coexist with non-walking, non-public transit moms?

And it wasn’t just her. Soon I found myself in the midst of the fast talking moms, the meditating moms, the stay-at-home moms, the CEO moms, the yoga moms, the fashionista moms, the minimalist moms, and the moms with perfect hair and nail polish that never chipped.

Feeling like a fish out of water is a common theme in the new ABC comedy American Housewife, premiering October 11. The comedy follows the story of Katie, a mom whose quirky family is trying to coexist in a wealthy Connecticut suburb.

Similarly, I thought I could keep my head down on my own planet of promo codes and hand-me-downs, while they all lived perfected, polished, charmed lives on their planets with housekeepers and monogrammed sweaters.

But I realized that I had to coexist. So, I came up with a plan to get through the day without losing my cool. Here goes:

Breathe and Bite

Which means inhale, and clamp my mouth shut to prevent what I want to say from actually coming out of my mouth.

Be Real

Sometimes the best medicine to conquer an alien mom is a dose of reality. If one comments on the stain on my shirt, I look them straight in the eye and say, yep, that’s pizza. They are usually so shocked that’s the end of the convo.

Don’t Eat Their Food

If you like green drinks made of soil and dandelions, all the power to you, but my rule is that if it has more than three ingredients that don’t grow on my planet, I shouldn’t eat it.

Live Out Loud

Hiding and trying to blend in never works. Tearing up the dance floor at the school auction with my hot salsa moves is my go-to technique.

De-Program the Kids

Sometimes after my kids come back from a playdate on another planet, we have a little sit-down to ground them on how our family is different, but still awesome. This may also entail explaining why we don’t have a chauffeur.

Colonize Your Own Planet

It didn’t seem like it at first, but I did eventually find a few moms who were from the same planet. Our planet only serves carbs. It’s awesome.