Dear Snooki (Notes on Motherhood)

Dear Snooki,

Congratulations! You’re a mother!

Can you believe it? A baby came out of you. You! Friggin’ awesome, huh? I can’t wait to hear all about and maybe even see (fingers crossed!) every little detail on MTV! I’m sure you were an absolute champ.

I’m sure you’re, you know, totally overwhelmed with love and joy and first photo right offers to consider, but I thought I’d give you a few pieces of advice. From one mom to another!

I know it’s summer and all, but in case you didn’t realize it, babies are supposed to be pale. Yeah, I know he looks pasty and it’s kind of fugly, but no need to start little Lorenzo on self-tanning cream quite yet. Maybe you’ll even luck out and he’ll have jaundice. How awesome would that be?

He’s also probably lacking some hair, I bet. Don’t worry, though, most babies aren’t born with a ton of it. You’ll have lots of time to perfect that adorable mini-pouf we all can’t wait to see!

Speaking of cosmetics, it must be tempting, but try and hold off on the Drakkar Noir or Cool Water for a bit. He probably smells pretty good on his own right now, so you can wait until he eats solids to run around spritzing him!

Now, you did just have a baby, but something tells me you’ll be up and out in no time! You’re going to be leaking some nasty stuff for a while, though, so don’t forget to wear your undies! It would be so embarrassing to leave remnants of your uterine wall all over New Jersey, right?

Best of luck, Snooki!

 

P.S. Despite what you may have been told, breastfeeding doesn’t act as birth control. Thought you should know!

 

XOXO

About the writer

What started as an innocent on-line baby book to chronicle Jill's stay-at-home days with her children, quickly transformed into a vibrant community of parents, brought together by a common theme: Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect. Learn more here.

From Around the Web

Close

Lucille Williams 3 years ago

“Remnants of your uterine wall all over New Jersey” beyond funny! I will be visiting there soon, I will be on the look-out!

Clearly Kristal 3 years ago

My eyes were tearing up with laughter. Hilarious! So true. So scary and sad she is reproducing….thanks for making light of it.

Carrie 3 years ago

I am still in a slight state of shock at the publicity she’s getting.

I don’t know why though. Because really, I just thank God this isn’t Kim Kardashian.

Just thinking about HER having a baby makes me dizzy.

Crystal Ponti 3 years ago

The sad part – people would snatch up those uterine remnants and try to sell them on eBay. Let’s hope she wears underwear AND does apply herself as a mom. :)

Carolyn 3 years ago

Thanks for my morning laugh. This was awesome!

Romy 3 years ago

What a hateful post. Kind of goes against the whole supportive, ‘parenting doesn’t have to be perfect’ vibe of this website, no?

One Classy Motha 3 years ago

You’re too funny! Someone needs to send her a bedazzled Baby Bjorn so she doesn’t drop him when she’s drinking.

Fern DeVilliers 3 years ago

Snooki already said that she refuses to breastfeed because it’s like “being a cow being milked”. She also said that if she is hung over, she won’t go anywhere near the baby – thank god. She will let grandma look after him. Well, at least your head isn’t completely screwed on backwards Snooki, just most of the way.

redhotwritinghood 3 years ago

Bwahahaha!! I think I just pissed my pants!

anna see 3 years ago

Love this! Hope she reads it. :)

Amanda 3 years ago

That was hateful. I am not impressed.

Guerrilla Mom 3 years ago

Pregnant Snooki pushing a case of Coors Light in a stroller may be the most amazing image, ever.

Veronica @ Germlisch 3 years ago

Buahaha! You always have the BEST advice. Truth.

Jennifer 3 years ago

Is that really a case of Coors Light in that stroller? Really?

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

That poor child. That poor, poor child. That’s all the thought I’m capable of processing on this topic. :(

Kir 3 years ago

well Jill, that was just the giggle I’m going to keep with me all week long, I can’t stop smirking. (Plus I’ll be at the NJ shore the next week and half, so Maybe I’ll get to see some of that!)

Drakkar…classic 😉

Rebeccah 3 years ago

I’m just hoping she doesn’t forget it somewhere along her GTL route.

Deb 3 years ago

Ooh I love me some snarky on Monday morning. :)

Denise Malloy 3 years ago

You know she pushed a doll around in a stroller for mommy “practice.” Yeah, that sounds about right on so many levels. . .

Lynn Kellan 3 years ago

Jill, you crack me up!

Just Jennifer 3 years ago

Oy vey! Good one!

Myndee 3 years ago

Hilarious!!

Stephanie 3 years ago

Don’t forget to wear your undies. Buhahahaha! It’s a shame that’s probably a legitimate reminder for her. Poor kid. He will be greasy and well-dressed, though.

Leanne 3 years ago

Perfect. And yet, so wrong at the same time. Poor Lorenzo. :)

Michelle 3 years ago

Hilarious! So wrong but so funny! :)

Alison 3 years ago

I kinda want to warn Snooki about diaper blowouts and baby boys peeing on their mothers – but I’m guessing someone else is taking care of the icky side of things, yes?

Kelly 3 years ago

Andddd I just peed myself thanks to post baby [lack of] bladder control. I was having quite a bad day, and I needed this laugh. Thanks :-)

hilljean 3 years ago

I blogged about this a while ago! Can’t wait to see what happens…And I also wish her the best, because after all, there’s a baby involved….but it’s bound to be interesting!

Lucy 3 years ago

Hey, she asks for it. Plus, she loves attention, good and bad. Lighten up!

Gigi 3 years ago

I have a feeling that girl is about to get a major wake up call.

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

Who knows, maybe this will change her?

I laughed too.

Jessica @FoundtheMarbles 3 years ago

Oh the things dear Snooki will soon be learning…

Overly Opinionated Mommy 3 years ago

OMG! This is great! I have a feeling her baby will be very well pampered with lots of material items…as for being taken care of….I have a feeling the baby daddy and grandparents will be doing a lot of that. I think Snooki may go back to her partying Jersey Shore ways now that the baby is born. I know she said she wasn’t living in the Jersey Shore house to avoid the hot tub and alcohol. But now that she is no longer pregnant I think she’ll be out drinking and hot tubbing soon enough. But who knows, she could leave all that behind and become a really great mom too. I guess we will all see.

Stephanie 3 years ago

Ha! Oh, Snooki. Good luck is right.

vanillasugarblog 3 years ago

is there not one or 4 of these in every bunch?

Nicole @MTDLBlog 3 years ago

Only you could cover this so well Jill….LOL.

CB 3 years ago

That is pretty terrible.

Nikki 3 years ago

Best post in the history of ever, hahahaha

amanda 3 years ago

There’s no need to cross your fingers. I’m sure we will see every minute of her transition into motherhood, knowing how much Snooks loves to be on camera! In fact, a Dish coworker told me that she insisted on filming the whole event for her show, “Snooki and JWOW”! As much as I hate to admit it, I will be tuning in to watch. At least I have the Hopper DVR, so I can satisfy my curiosity to see Mama Snooks and barely put a dent on the tons of recording space available to me. Admit it; you’re going to tune in to watch too! 😉

Leigh Ann 3 years ago

Where does one buy an infant sized open collar fake silk onesie? Don’t forget the gold chains!

tracy@sellabitmum 3 years ago

I was still hoping it was just a big hoax that she was really pregnant. oy.

HeeWho 3 years ago

Who’s Snooki?

Delfin Joaquin Paris III 3 years ago

Usually party girls who accidentally get pregnant turn into great mothers.

I’m not worried.

Mommy Unmuted 3 years ago

And, try not to blow all of your Jersey Shore earnings on diamond studded binkies. I’m sure you’ll be doing the Jersey Turnpike with baby Lorenzo in tow in no time.

Lisa Kerr 3 years ago

Having never had a baby (yet), I gagged a little at “remnants of your uterine wall”. lol I’d heard that from my friends but oh…I am not looking forward to that!

Meredith 3 years ago

Ps — Snooki, right now you and the baby are different colors. That is NORMAL. Please do not worry. I know the incubator looks like a tiny tanning bed, but that is not what it is for so please leave the NICU. Thank you and congratulations.

Chelsea Williams 3 years ago

I love this! I need to pick up a magazine!

Carrie 3 years ago

I told myself I would never read another thing written about Snooki and her pregnancy but I couldn’t resist. Amen to the whole “please don’t leak your uterus all over town” part.

liz 3 years ago

“Remnants of your uterine wall”. Pure awesome, right there! :-)

Christina Allred 3 years ago

FREAKIN’ HILARIOUS!!! All the things I would love to tell her, with much less swearing than I am capable of!

MamaBennie 3 years ago

BWAHAHAHA PRICELESS.

shannon 3 years ago

Bwahaha