Apparently, Dentists Can Tell If You've Given A Blow Job

TikTok is a lot of things: entertaining, creative, ridiculous, trendy — a black hole of time and space — and occasionally, educational. And back in early February, TikTok user @cianmcbrien both educated and horrified the TikTok community after going viral when they revealed that dentists can tell if you’ve given a blow job.

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“Just found out the dentist can find out [whether] someone has given [brain] or not,” they wrote in their video. (For those of you not up to date on early aughts slang, “brain” is slang for “head,” which is a euphemism for oral sex.)

Of course, this opening salvo stirred a hornet’s nest and the dental care industry had to chime in. User @dentite, a Michigan dentist named Huzefa Kapadia, confirmed that indeed, dentists know if you recently performed fellatio. Kapadia followed up with another video explaining how: it’s all from a specific spot in the soft palate and the presence of bruising (petechiae). “Palatal petechiae. This is what it’s called,” he explained.

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Kapadia went on to demonstrate with a lollipop, illustrating how when an object (like a lollipop — or, you know, a dick) repeatedly hits the back of your soft palate, it could cause a particular type of bruising and irritation.

Though not overly common, dentists do see this telltale bruising “periodically,” Mark Wolff, DDS, PhD, dean of the University of Pennsylvania School of Dental Medicine, told “Health” magazine. “It can range from physical bruising to petechiae — little burst blood vessels from suction,” he said.

Additional TikTok dentists like Brad Podray (@thyrants) entered the conversation with his viral video assuring viewers that “unless the patient’s really young or shows signs of abuse, we don’t care.” Podray further shared that it usually looked like “some light red bruising towards the back of the soft palate.”

It’s not permanent

For those readers who are worried if this palatal petechiae is the sexual equivalent of a cattle brand, don’t worry. It’s not there forever. According to Wolff, if you do end up with some bruising, “It heals like any other bruise. It could last for days to a week or so.”

Schedule that bi-annual dental exam anyway

Given that many people hate going to the dentist for a variety of reasons, don’t let this be another reason to delay seeing about that cavity or gum disease. I know we parents are already horrible at remembering to take care of ourselves, but don’t give into the embarrassment. It’s not that big a deal.

Who cares if a medical professional can tell if you’ve recently given head? Not only are they bound by HIPAA not to say anything, but you’re an adult. It’s none of their business unless it’s causing you actual health problems like oral lesions, in which case, they’d address the lesions and discuss treatments and possible lifestyle changes.

Speaking of lifestyle changes, your other alternative, I suppose, is to see if you can refrain from sucking cock maybe 5 to 7 days prior to a dental visit twice a fucking year. I guess for some of us, that’s a bigger ask than it is for others.

But honestly, do what you feel comfortable with.

After all, it’s completely different from the advice to not having sex approximately two days before an OB/GYN appointment because semen can mess with pap smear results (apparently, sperm in the sample can make it more difficult to examine your cervical cells), can resemble troubling discharge, and can cause irritation to your vaginal wall cells, making it seem as if you have an abnormal pap smear.

You definitely wouldn’t be the first, nor the last case

Plus, it’s like I always tell myself when I go to the doctor, the OB/GYN, a pedicurist, or even my local Korean spa to get a full body K-scrub. (If you haven’t experienced this invigorating service, hie thee to a spa as soon as the pandemic ends.) I used to get super self conscious until I did the math calculating just how many people a day these professionals saw.

You are but one of many slabs of meat. And you could find that dehumanizing, but I find that comforting.

Is it still awkward as fuck when the surprisingly strong ahjumma (Korean auntie) in lacy black lingerie is lifting my slippery naked body on a slab of concrete like a spatchcocked turkey, vigorously exfoliating all my nooks and crannies and providing a complimentary pap smear? Why yes, yes it is.

But at the end of the day, the ahjumma is a professional — like your dentist — and ultimately, no one cares how aggressively a cock is battering your soft palate as long as you are safe and healthy.