Douchebag Donald Trump Reaches A New Low

The world was stunned Friday (except not really) when the Washington Post released an uncovered video file of Donald Trump on a hot mic talking about his suave way with the ladies. The video, recorded in 2005 while The Donald was arriving on the set of Days of Our Lives to record an upcoming cameo, features an absolutely lovely conversation with Billy Bush of Access Hollywood.

And by “lovely” I mean the kind of locker room conversation that makes you cringe and vomit a little bit in your mouth. He bluntly and blatantly discusses his failed attempts to have sex with an unnamed married woman.

“I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it,” Trump can be heard explaining. “I did try and fuck her. She was married. And I moved on her very heavily … I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

It’s not a huge shock to hear anyone with his status, money, and power bragging about sleeping with anyone — especially in a situation where one would assume a little bit of semi-privacy at least — but it is a little bit surprising to hear him telling a story about a lay he couldn’t land. It just really didn’t track for me to hear him discussing so candidly a situation in which he seemingly failed to attain the target he was aiming for. Isn’t this the guy who doesn’t like “losers”? And to be perfectly clear, at the time this conversation was recorded, he had been married to Melania for a few months. Draw what you will from that.

But those thoughts were quickly muddied into newer ones, as I tried to decipher if he was actually complaining about the breast augmentation, or using it as an excuse for why that failure wasn’t one that counted. Like, “She was hot then, but she’s all phony looking now, so bullet dodged, amirite?”

“I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her,” Trump says. “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait … And when you’re a star, they let you do it,” he continues. “You can do anything.”

“Whatever you want,” the other guy breaks in.

Trump agrees and takes it further. “Grab them by the pussy … You can do anything.”

Pardon me while I take some really deep breaths to contain the rising bile.

THIS is the person the GOP chose to head their ticket for the fucking leader of the free world? Are you shitting me right now? A Cheeto-colored narcissist who brags about using his power to intimidate women into letting him get away with, at best, unwanted sexual advances, and from his own mouth, some sexual harassment. Grab them by the pussy? I frankly have to stop and wonder just a little bit how many times he’s been punched in the goddam throat…

No. No, you can not “do anything.” And it concerns me greatly in this age when we are finally making some headway with our kids about consent and body autonomy that the person who wants to sit in the oval office genuinely thinks that it’s okay to just walk up to women and “grab them by the pussy.” We are not here for the taking, just in case you decide you want some. I don’t know how to be more clear than that. Keep your fucking hands to yourself unless invited. Your money or status is not a free-to-fuck-all pass. It’s not a golden ticket. I know you like to think it is, but that’s the problem in a nutshell.

Trump wasted no time in issuing a statement to address the unfortunate situation.

“This was locker-room banter, a private conversation that took place many years ago. Bill Clinton has said far worse to me on the golf course — not even close. I apologize if anyone was offended.”

It’s especially telling that Mr. Trump thinks that comparing his behavior to Bill Clinton’s ought to excuse him of his own wrongdoing. Sorry, Donald, that’s not how this works. It doesn’t work when my kids try it, and it sure as hell doesn’t work when presidential candidates try it. This is the part where we expect some mature behavior, like owning a mistake without trying to excuse it or drag other people into your shit — not saying things like “but he did it too!” I mean really. Didn’t your mama ever give you the “if your friends jumped off a cliff” speech? You’re old enough to know better, hun. Or at least old enough, and rich enough, to hire someone to do a better job of thinking better for you and/or put out a better PR statement. You really need to look into that, actually. You’ve got enough dough to hire someone to be better with the words than you are. So why do you insist on shooting yourself in the balls with this stupidity?

Trump has apparently made an entire lifetime career of objectifying and demoralizing women, which isn’t exactly news, but what is so damn aggravating is that he seems to genuinely not understand that this behavior is wrong, why it is wrong, or show any interest in actually stopping it.

And if he won’t curtail his own behavior, I certainly don’t hold out much hope that he’ll be supportive of any policies or legislation that would benefit women in any meaningful way. We’re merely ornamental to him. A distraction. A diversion. A necessary evil that one must put up with (sometimes) to get shit done, or to fuck when you feel like it, but not anything that would or should actually be taken seriously.

In the grand scheme of things, did this little conversation hurt anything? Not really. The people who care about why this is important were already not voting for him. And the people who still are voting for him clearly don’t find it to be an issue important enough to get their panties in a wad over.

And just so you know this other thing isn’t going to disappear, at some point, we are going to have to seriously talk about this upcoming child rape case and what it means in terms of what the actual fuck you all are thinking. Thirteen. She was thirteen.

Right now, I honestly don’t know which one of these makes me sicker. Trump for being this way, or the legions of people who support him. You cannot keep your head in the sand. Wake up, open your eyes, and see what’s right in front of you.

And look, I could give two less shits about who is sleeping with who — in Hollywood, in Washington, across the street, where the fuck ever. I don’t care. So long as it isn’t affecting my life, I might think you’re a shitty human being, but it’s not really my business to care about one way or another. But when we’re talking about people in power, or people who want to be in power, we do have to look at this kind of behavior, if only to assess the patterns. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Trumps keeps showing us over and over and over again the depth (hahaha) of his character. He is unrepentant and he’s not going to change. This is not going to get better. He’s not going to magically wake up tomorrow and think, “Wow, you know, I should really make an effort to respect women a little bit more.” Not gonna happen. Why would he? There’s no reason for him to do so, and no consequences when he doesn’t. And just like a feral child, without boundaries of some kind, the behavior continues. Parents, you know this to be true, right? There has to either be an incentive to do better, or a consequence for doing wrong, or the behavior doesn’t change. Trump has neither, so we can expect no change. It’s simple math here, people.

He has shown this time and time again by continuously being a douche — and when people call him out for it, he acts like it’s NBD. Frankly, he has nothing to offer this country in terms of making it better, much less making it “great.” He can only drag us down to his level — and excuse me, but fuck that.